When the kids are out of school we open really early so that they have a place to go if their parents work. I had to be here at 6:45 am meaning in order to be somewhat presentable I had to get up at 5:30am. I wanted to see if I could do it this week as a test to see if I could do it during the summer. They always give me the option but last year I declined and worked the late shift. But the thing is, it is AWESOME to get off at 3:00pm. I have so much time to do things, I can actually make dinner!

So far the test is not going great. The past 2 days I’ve been so tired after getting off that I’ve had to go home, lay on the couch and take a nap. I still have gotten a few things done though. So it remains unseen if I will be able to do it in the summer or not. I think eventually my body would adjust and I could work it out but right now I am so tired.

I’ve been trying to take a no stress attitude towards this week. You see…it is ovulation week. IF my body decides to ovulate. The problem is the past two cycles when I have ovulated there was no monitoring on my part. No temping, no checking CM or cervical position, nothing. However based the length of my cycle I have a bit of an idea on when I ovulated. Both cycles were 35 days long and I usually have a LP of 14 or 15 days. So then I would have ovulated around CD 19 or 20. Also I tend to get really sensitive nips right after ovulation which matched up with CD 20 last month.

Today is CD 20 but I have had sensitive nips for 2 days now. I could have ovulated early however based on my cervical position and CM last night I would guess I would O today. So pretty much I have no idea what is going on. I could be anywhere for 2-3 DPO or I could be due to ovulate today. We are covering our bases and getting down to business this whole week which given my state of tiredness and due to J’s current overtime schedule has been interesting. Hopefully it will pay off with a second line this month.

But if I am being honest…I don’t feel like that will happen.

Not in a depressing way, I just have gotten to the point that it seems like that would be too easy. Have sex a pregnant? HA! My babies don’t come from the stork, they will most likely come from a test tube. So I booked an appointment with an endocrinologist for 2 weeks. I would like to see if we could just regulate my cycles for 6 months or so before starting up fertility meds again. They scare me right now. I’m hoping that for next cycle I can be on metformin, vitamin D, baby aspirin and I will also plan on temping. Time to get serious folks.

I kind of avoided the blogging world this weekend. We are going into the week that I should ovulate if my body chooses to cooperate and I have been trying really hard not to obsess about it.

I wish I had logged into my reader sooner.

First thing I saw this morning was that Mo‘s water broke at 23 weeks. They wanted to wait 24 hours to see if the water replenished, but if it did not they were going to induce and the baby would most likely no make it. The posts I saw were from 22 hours ago. I am so sick to my stomach I can’t even describe. I can only hope that no news is good news and hopefully her little boy is hanging on.

If you get a chance stop over and give Mo a little love, she really needs it.

EDIT: 2/22/12 – Mo lost her little boy Nadav. Words can not express how heartbroken I am for her. Wishing her and her husband lots of love.

5 Weeks yo, that is how long I have been living my life in sweat pants and yoga pants.

Since the day before the surgery I have not put on a single pair of jeans. At first its was understandable…abdominal surgery, swelling, general feeling of discomfort. Jeans were a no go.

When I went back to work I was grateful for that fact that I work in such a low-key environment and that they didn’t care that I was wearing yoga pants everyday. As long as I was wearing my required work t-shirt and didn’t look completely homeless, it didn’t really matter.

5 weeks later, I’m starting to run out of excuses.

Last week the excuse was that I had broken out in a completely horrible skin rash around all 3 of my incisions and I didn’t want to irritate them further by having the waist band of jeans rubbing against them all day.

Now I’m just starting to look silly.

Every time I step out of the house in my sweat / yoga pants I think about how my sister-in-law told me that my brother called her white trash if she left the house in sweat pants, no matter how much juicy was stamped across her rear end. To be clear – my brother is stupid. Really, I love him, but seriously? Vain and judgmental much?

The older I get the less vain I become. I used to never leave the house without my hair perfectly flat-ironed and makeup expertly applied. I wouldn’t dream of being out in public with my hair tousled and without mascara. AS IF! (Clueless was the best movie ever, don’t deny it.)

Now a days I’m lucky if I get makeup put on at least one of the days during the weekend. Okay I still fix my hair and makeup for work, but the amount of makeup I wear has gone down considerably. On the weekends I throw on a loose t-shirt, brush my hair so at least it looks like it’s not threatening to become the next medusa, and throw some moisturizer on my face. I don’t even care who sees me. They can deal with it.

I can’t decided if this is a good thing or not.

I mean obviously I am at least comfortable enough in my own skin that I don’t care what people think of me, but on the other hand I worry that I’m becoming TOO complacent about my appearance. Maybe J will leave me for a girl who doesn’t walk around the house on a Saturday night with no bra or makeup on and who tells him all about the awkward things going on in her body. So not sexy.

Actually if I am being honest, J is great. He tells me all the time how beautiful I am even if I am not wearing makeup and I am in my sweats. I usually snort in response.

So maybe this week I’ll finally get the motivation to put on some real clothes. I pretty sure all the swelling is gone (I wish I could say that it wasn’t but then I’m just delusional about that fact that poundage around my stomach is actually fat) so I should theoretically be okay to put them on.

Or maybe I’ll just submit myself to the fact that I am way to comfortable in my yoga pants and they will be buried with me. Either or.

When most people think of IVF they think of rich celebrities who use IVF as a way to have children after they have gotten past the ‘normal’ child bearing years. Or maybe for a way for same-sex couples to have babies. And I’ve found that most people have NO idea how much it entails and what a hard process it is.

But I know now. I know so much stuff about infertility that I desperately wish I didn’t. I wish I could go back to the blissfully ignorant girl who thought it was sad when a television show introduced an infertility storyline but didn’t think much more about it.

Now I am just super critical and annoyed by the inaccuracies. Warning I am going to talk about a few popular shows and there will be spoilers. Most of the shows are from seasons a couple of years old or so.

One Tree Hill: I just recently got caught up on this show because they happened to add it to Netflix. In season 8 Brooke goes to the Dr. thinking she is pregnant. Not only does she find out she is not pregnant, but the Dr. tells her that she never will be. Done. Finished. That must be one comprehensive pee stick! I mean wow. She then goes on to tell her boyfriend that she can never have kids and they had no options at all. Really? No injectables? No IVF? Nothing? She makes a point to mention that she has regular periods so I’m finding it pretty hard to believe that nothing can be done.

So they pursue adoption. My anger flairs again when they immediately get chosen. If only it were that easy. So many that have never experienced infertility will ask those of us who have “why don’t you just adopt?”.  It’s not like getting a dog from the pet store. You don’t walk it, find a cute one, and walk away that day. It is a long, expensive process. It is filled with emotional turmoil. My response to that question is “why haven’t YOU adopted?”. Just because I can’t get pregnant at the drop of a hat does not mean I am obligated to adopt. (BTW I am very pro-adoption and have already started filling out adoption applications, I just don’t like when people assume that it is easy or that I, in some way, should adopt because I am infertile). Back to the point they get picked right away and I’m super annoyed. Then there is a slight redemption when the adoption falls through, the birth mother changes her mind. I like this part because it is real. This really happens to couples and it is devastating for them.

At the end of the season she finds out that she is pregnant. It’s a miracle! At first this didn’t bother me until later on when you find out she is pregnant with twins. Once the twins are born it is pretty clear they are not identical either. Meaning she got pregnant from 2 different eggs. So from no options to fraternal twins! Amazing. Okay maybe I’m reaching a bit here but  I  was really bugged by this.

How I Met Your Mother: Okay I know I’ve already done a diatribe on this. But I’m doing it again. Once again we have a female character that believes she is pregnant. (She’s NEVER late, she says) And again, she finds out that not only is she not pregnant, but that she will NEVER be pregnant. Where can I get one of those pee sticks because man, they are amazing! No options, just done. They don’t go into the story anymore expect for saying at the end that she never has kids in the future. Well at least this show stays consistent.

Grey’s Anatomy: At the end of the 6th season Meredith suffers from a miscarriage just hours after finding out she was pregnant. When her and Derek begin to start trying again they seem to immediately go to the RE and are told that she has a hostile uterus and that chances of conception are low. She begins fertility meds which I actually thought was well done. From the rare symptoms, to not wanting to stop treatment because ovulation is close, to sneaking shots in while in the elevator. She even has a scene where she mentions how hard it was to go to another character’s baby shower because it seemed so unfair. Eventually they find a little girl from Africa that they decide to adopt and the story line continues from there. Over all the adoption story line is pretty good, they go through a lot to actually get custody of the baby.

Friends: Monica and Chandler are desperate to have a baby and try for almost a year before seeking out medical help. After seeing a specialist they find that they have both male and female related infertility and the chances of them conceiving naturally are slim. It was a great episode IMO because it was a break from the usually funny story lines and took quite a serious turn. The rest of the series they try to decide how to proceed (surrogate, sperm donor, adoption) and in the series finale the adopt twins.

I know there are more that I am missing but really my brain doesn’t hold a lot of information these days. I think my frustration lies in that either most shows treat infertility as if it is definite…no options to be had except adoption (again, not saying adoption isn’t a great option, it is just not the only option for most people) or they treat it so lightly and never seem to grasp how big of a process it is and how much it affects those that are struggling with it.

1 in 8 couples in the United States struggle with infertility. That is a huge number. Yet we seem to treat it as if it is something shameful. We don’t admit to it, we don’t announce it to the world, rather we hide it deep inside us. I am so guilty of this. I guess my point of this whole rant is that I think that television could really help us out in this aspect. If they were to show what really goes on, the Doctor visits, the money, the lack of insurance, the stress, the depression…it could really help open up the worlds eyes and maybe help us all in the process.

What do you guys think? Are there other shows that made you frustrated? Or is there a show that had a good infertility story line?

I had my ultrasound today and it went well. I still have a cyst on good ole’ lefty but it is only 1.9 cm as compared to the 12cm one that ruptured. I also asked the size of my ovary since the right one was over 13cm when it twisted, but it is perfect at an average of 3cm, right where it is supposed to be.

We are cleared to try this month! Whooo! I asked about starting Metformin again but I think my doctor was just as freaked out about what happened to me as I was. She said normally she’d say yes but since we have no idea what caused the ovary to swell so much she would prefer I see an endocrinologist first since she is not very familiar with Metformin. I’m fine with that. I’d really like to see if I ovulate on my own again this month. She was very encouraged about the news that I have had 2 normal cycles in a row and she said chances are good that it will happen again this month. I’m ready for ovulation week now! *starts stretching* I did break out in a small rash around my incisions this week which had me really concerned, but Dr. said it is a delayed allergic reaction to the surgical glue that they used to close me up. She prescribed some higher strength hydrocortisone so hopefully soon I’ll be able to stop scratching my stomach 24/7.

I’m thinking I’ll start researching endocrinologists next week and hopefully get an appointment soon. We decided not to go to Arizona this weekend although it would have been fun. J is kinda piled up on work right now and really feels like he will have to go into work sometime this weekend. I thought about going myself, but I am really not a good driver on long trips (I get drowsy) and I’d be driving mostly at night, so I figured that wasn’t the best idea. It’s okay though. I’m actually going home at the end of March for my best friend’s wedding so I will see my family then. I can’t wait for that.

Looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend, maybe even figure out our Valentines Day plans. Happy Friday everyone!

Today I was actually feeling pretty good. I talked to my mom today and she got all excited when I told her that I ovulated 2 months in a row without medication. She was so happy and so convinced that things were gonna start turning around for me. Her excitement was contagious. I got home feeling good. Really good. I even talked to J about the possibility of going to Arizona this weekend since my mom will be there for a singing thing. We would have to drive Friday after work and then drive home on Sunday but I thought it might be kinda fun. Plus my mom has most of the day Saturday free so we could spend some time with her. It’s a 6 hour drive, but we have done much worse.

That is when the happiness ended. I logged on to Facebook (aggghhhh!) and there it was. An announcement that my brother in law and his wife are expecting. Saying I was shocked would be an understatement. I never even considered that they were even thinking about trying. They have no money. Like really. He is a full-time student and works maybe 10 hours a week. She is actually from China and has had a hard time finding work. She is working right now but a crappy job that doesn’t pay well. They are broke.

Don’t get me wrong, I love them. I really really do. They are awesome people and will make great parents. But it was supposed to be us. They were married almost 3 years after us. We are ready for this.

I stared at the screen for a moment and informed J about the new development. Then I sat and stared a min. more. Then I broke down. I have been crying off and on for the past 2 hours, I can’t help it. So then I just feel like the worlds biggest bitch. I LOVE them. They are our family. I should be excited about my new niece or nephew. But every time I think about it I cry. I’m crying right now as I type this. It’s not fair to them that I can’t celebrate their news. That I can’t squee over the fact that a new baby will be joining the family. But its MY turn. Why can’t it be my turn?

I just feel horrible. I feel like a horrible horrible person for having these negative thoughts. I can’t even entirely blame Facebook for this either, it’s not like it was some distant friend that I hardly ever see. I would find out about this regardless. I just feel like I had no warning. I had never considered this. I’m heartbroken and sad.

The first thing is that my period started 2 days ago, which means that I officially ovulated last month for the 2nd month in a row without medication. (Still not focusing on the fact that we haven’t been able to try those 2 months…distract me…lalalala) I can only hope that my streak continues and that this month my body will be able to pull off another win when we can actually do something about it. I thought about temping this month but I really don’t want the pressure of that, plus there is a week at the end of the month that I have to be into work by 6:30am and it would totally throw my times off. That is also the week, that if my body follows the pattern of the last two months, that I will be ovulating. So yeah, easier if I don’t put too much pressure on myself. This cycle was 35 days with an ovulation date around CD 20. The same as the month before. What?!?! A pattern?!?! I don’t know how to respond to that, I’ve been irregular for so long.

I have a theory, someone correct me if I am wrong. I don’t know much about Endometriosis…but they did find some on the ovary that was removed. Not much and it was nowhere else, they checked the other ovary and my uterus once they saw it. So what if…the little endometriosis was possibly causing me to not ovulate all this time? What if it really was this right ovary that was holding us back? I mean I know I still have PCOS. And I still have longer than normal cycles. But what if? What if now that the problem is gone we actually have a chance of doing this…dare I say it…naturally?

I would be in awe. Again, if this is completely wrong, correct me. I really don’t know much about endo. It is just a theory I’m working on.

All the glue and scabs are now off my incisions and they itch like crazy. Seriously it is all I can do not to scratch my belly all day long. Pretty soon I’ll be lying on my back begging for belly rubs from J like my dog. But I am also starting to move around a lot more. I’m back to my normal pace and even went on a 15 min. walk with J and Toady last night. I won’t lie, by the end I was really tired and got a little slow, but its a start. Hoping I can get back to my normal endurance and beyond.

I am actually down 10 lbs. between the 2 hospital visits and the surgery. That’s what being so sick that you can’t eat does to you. Best. Diet. Ever. But I really want to keep those 10lbs off. I’m now around 6 lbs off of the weight I was when I got married, and 15 or so from my highschool weight. I would LOVE to get to my high school weight. I was skinny. Of course back then I didn’t think I was because I actually have hips and boobs and a shape to my body, but looking back, I would kill to be that thin again.

So I really need my endurance back.

I have my next ultrasound on Friday and I’m kind of ridiculously excited. It will be the first one since the surgery, the one where hopefully we will get cleared to start trying again, and where I get to see where my ovary used to be. I’m kinda sick and twisted that way…but it excites me. Plus there is the whole knowing ‘everything is okay’ thing that will be pretty nice.

I feel like I’ve been a bad commenter lately and I’m sorry. If you have a blogspot / blogger site and you have not received any comments from me in the last few weeks I apologize. I’m still having trouble and I am not sure how to fix it. I’ve literally written out around 50 comments the last 2 weeks and hardly any have gone through. But just know that I am still reading and routing for all of you out there. You guys keep me so sane sometimes and I am there for you even if I’m not able to post. Love you all!

Dec. 2nd – Trisha goes to the hospital with a ruptured cyst. Takes 3 weeks to recover.

Dec. 22nd – J gets a sore throat that causes quite a concern as it starts to turn into a chest cold.

Jan. 1st – J finally gives in and goes to the Dr. diagnosed with Bronchitis and given antibiotics

Jan.5th – J goes BACK to the Dr. because he is not feeling any better, in fact he is feeling worse. Diagnosed with an ear infection along with the bronchitis, given a different antibiotic.

Jan. 10th – Trisha goes to the Dr. and diagnosed with a Sinus Infection, given antibiotics.

Jan. 14th – Trisha goes to the E.R. diagnosed with Ovarian Torsion and has surgery. Still recovering.

Feb. 1st – J goes to the Dr. yet again and is diagnosed with a UTI. Given another antibiotic.

Seriously…what is wrong with us?!?! I feel like the universe is trying to give us a message. Maybe that message is just to keel over and die. I dunno.

In 4 years of marriage J has been to the Dr. exactly twice before all this. He is now on 4 in the past 2 months (he went another time that is not listed because he felt like the bronchitis was lingering but they said that was normal). He is the type of guy that will not take any medication or go to the Dr. unless absolutely necessary. So I know when he says he needs to go…he is sick.

Anyways. Pretty much just the same old around these parts. Healing really good, the surgical glue and scabs are starting to come off my incisions which actually has made them feel a little worse. I guess just because the skin is so raw underneath. The scars are looking pretty narley.

Still trying to deal with the emotions of it all. One day I’m great, the next I’m a mess. First I’m laughing, then I’m crying. I’m up  and then I’m down. I feel like a damn Katy Perry song. Please just make this all end. If we could both just get healthy I might be able to move on.

The problem with denial is that if something little upsets me, it all comes to surface and I feel EVERYTHING. Even if the original source of frustration has nothing to do with fertility. On Sunday we started receiving bills for the 2 E.R. visits I have had in the past month and a half. Our insurance has picked up most of it, but still…there are bills. And I feel resentful about it. It is not a rational thought, I know that, but I am so angry that I have to pay money to have them remove one of my reproductive organs. An organ that I wanted more than anything to keep. I know that I couldn’t keep it, it was sick, and it was making me horribly sick. But I am still resentful. To make myself feel a bit better about the money I decided to file our tax returns thinking that seeing how much money we were getting back would help the situation. Well as it turns out we owe money. Another slap in the face. And this made my emotions all come out. I spent the rest of the day gloomy and sad. By the time I went to bed I was in tears and couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t stop thinking about how unfair this situation is. It is SO unfair and I feel like I am being suffocated by my negative thoughts.

I have tried SO hard during this to be positive. I have tried so hard to smile and say that this was probably a good thing. That now my body is healthy and just maybe it will be able to create the life that I so desperately crave. In my head that all still makes sense, but emotionally I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that this will ever work. I can’t imagine myself ever seeing a positive pregnancy test or carrying a baby. I want so desperately to believe that I will get pregnant this year. I want it so bad. But sometimes its just too hard. Believing takes a lot of work.

Bodega Bliss said it better than me and I related to this post so much.

“Sometimes, I want to pretend that my life went as planned.  That it didn’t take a detour down the dark and twisty road of pregnancy loss, that I’ve been on the sun-filled road all along.

And the thing is, sometimes it works.  It works for a few days – a week – and I wake up happy for once.  But the reality always creeps back.  That relentless longing for a child never seems to disappear, no matter how much I pretend it was never there.  I start to miss the people in this little virtual world of mine, the people that I am invested whole-heartedly in their lives and their cycles and their collective uteri.  I can’t turn my back on it now.  I can’t pretend it away.  It’s who I am, it’s who I’ll always be.”

I have never experienced a loss and I would never presume to know how that feels. But I know what she means when she says she wishes she could pretend her life went differently but that no matter how hard she pretends it will always be a part of her. Because even if I do get pregnant, this life will always be a part of me. I will never be one of those people who pees on a stick, sees a positive result, and automatically assume I’ll hold a baby in my arms in 9 months. I will always be waiting for something to go wrong, fearing that the happiness will all of a sudden go away. I will never have know what it is like to stride blissfully through a pregnancy. I’ve seen too much heartache in my short time in the ALI community.

I had just started getting my head on straight again yesterday, still a  little down but starting to feel better, and I received 2 texts today. One from my friend telling my she found out she is expecting a girl who is due on my birthday and another from my cousin telling me she is pregnant and due in August. I just want this to end. I want to not feel this so much. I want to be happy for the people in my life. I want to go back to pretending I’m doing good.

So a couple of weeks ago I read a post from MissConception of 101 things she was going to do in 1001 days. I immediately fell in love with that idea. I love having goals to work towards and this seemed like a great way of encouraging myself to do some things that I’ve been wanting to do but haven’t ever gotten around to. It took me a little while to make the list but mostly because I took a 2 week break from working on it after the surgery. But now it is finally done! I will also be making a page for this list so if you are curious you can check on my status and tell me to get going if I look like I am slacking.

Start date: January 28th, 2012

End date: October 25th, 2014

1. Read 100 new books.

2. Lose 10 lbs.

3. Take a class.

4. Bring home a baby.

5. Write someone a letter telling them how much you appreciate them.

6. Cook 2 new meals a week for a month.

7. Give up soda for 6 months.

8. Organize the kitchen / pantry.

9. Clean out and donate old clothes.

10. Practice guitar for 1 hour a week for 3 months.

11. Go to church two times a month for 6 months.

12. Go camping.

13. See 3 musicals.

14. Help someone in need.

15. Eat 3 new types of food.

16. Join a group. (Support group, club, ect.)

17. Make a new friend.

18. Lose 15 lbs. (total after the 10 lbs. loss)

19. exercise for 20 min. 5 times a week for 2 months.

20. Run a mile without stopping.

21. Make a photo album.

22. Donate to a charity.

23. Go Skiing

24. Watch the sun rise on the beach.

25. Give up a bad habit.

26. Get a massage.

27. Get a pedicure.

28. Drink 64 oz of water a day for 2 weeks.

29. Do acupuncture treatments.

30. Organize filling folder of important documents.

31. Learn to make Chinese Chicken Salad like the one from Sweet Tomatoes.

32. Clean out my jewelry box.

33. See a foreign film.

34. Send out Christmas cards.

35. Go ice skating.

36. Vote.

37. Read a book with J.

38. Plan a special date night for J.

39. Re-learn American Sign Language. (took classes in HS but have forgotten a lot)

40. See “The Phantom of the Opera” in Las Vegas.

41. Buy a new camera.

42. Buy a video camera.

43. Visit Medieval Times.

44. Ride a new rollercoaster.

45. Let go of bitterness.

46. Play in the rain.

47. Make the bed everyday for a month.

48. Whiten my teeth.

49. Be completely honest about all my feelings with my therapist.

50. Write a letter to myself to open in 10 years.

51. See 10 classic movies that I’ve never seen before.

52. Get a facial.

53. Don’t complain for a week.

54. Wish on a shooting star.

55. Watch all the “Harry Potter” movies in one day.

56. Go on one big hike with J.

57. Visit somewhere I’ve never been.

58. Get up an hour earlier than needed everyday for 2 weeks.

59. Go to San Diego Zoo.

60. See a production of Cirque de Soleil

61. Transfer recipes to a recipe box.

62. Host a game night.

63. Pay for someone’s order behind me in the drive-thru.

64. Don’t eat any sugar for 1 week.

65. Find a new hobby.

66. Take a picture in a photo booth.

67. Have a night picnic outside.

68. Make a list of 100 things I like about myself/my life.

69. Stay at a Bed and Breakfast.

70. Re-frame our wedding pictures.

71. Attend a friend’s wedding.

72. Make my own cheesecake.

73. Go to the Dermatologist.

74. Buy a muffin tin.

75. Make muffins or cupcakes.

76. Get my car detailed.

77. Attend a yoga or aerobics class.

78. Buy a good luck charm necklace.

79. Make a pie from scratch.

80. Re-finish dressers.

81. Meet a local member of the ALI community in person.

82. Beat J in a video game.

83. Buy a new laptop.

84. Take a non-visit vacation with J.

85. Volunteer at the hospital.

86. Make a pizza from scratch.

87. Take Toady on a walk everyday for 2 weeks.

88. Clean out the storage closet.

89. Eat at 15 new restaurants.

90. Compliment someone every day for 1 week.

91. Make dinner for an ill friend.

92. Clean out old makeup.

93. Attend my 10 year reunion.

94. Color every page in a coloring book.

95. Don’t log onto Facebook for 1 week.

96. Go rock climbing.

97. Complete an arts and crafts project.

98. Get a new kitchen table.

99. Get rid of old knickknacks that I don’t use.

100. Give someone a gift for no reason.

101. Make the best out of the hand life has deals and try to enjoy everyday to the fullest.

I think most of these things are so do-able and I really hope that I can complete this list in the upcoming 1001 days. There will also probably be a few blog posts about some of these as I complete them. Not all of them, because really, you guys don’t need to read a post about how I bought a muffin tin. But some of these were chosen for a very specific reason and I can’t wait to complete them and tell you all what the experience has meant to me.

Time to get cracking!