After the miscarriage my biggest fear is that my body would revert back to how it was before the surgery – not ovulating. I’m still a little traumatized by the whole cyst/losing an ovary experience so I am not exactly keen on having to go back to the RE anytime soon.
So I decided to take matters into my own hands. I wrote about how I saw my new Endo and getting put on Metformin, that was step 1. But I also decided to take Vitex (Chaste Berry). I’ve heard a lot of good things about it, even during the Fertility Telesummit conference back in March. It is used to help regulate cycles and increase progesterone – both things that I need.
I started taking both of these before the miscarriage had officially finished, I figured why wait? But now I am concerned that I royally screwed up. It never occurred to me to look up the link between Vitex and cysts in PCOS patients. There isn’t a whole lot of information on the subject that I could find, but what I did find was not exactly comforting. It said that Vitex can act like Clomid – which caused George.
The reason that I started looking all this up is because I’ve been feeling a bit of pressure down near my left ovary regions. Also the past few times that J and I have done the deed there has definitely been some pressure that has never been present before, I won’t say pain because it doesn’t really hurt, but it is starting to concern me. What if I took this herb and caused another cyst? What is going to happen?
I called my OB today and explained what is going on, but I can’t get in to see her till next Tuesday. I think it should be fine, even if there is a cyst I doubt it has had enough time to grow to George status and cause issues, but I’m thinking till I know for sure maybe I should stop taking the Vitex. Who knows, maybe I’m just being paranoid which I’ve been known to do in the past.
Any of my fellow PCOSer’s have any experiences with Vitex? Am I being completely irrational with my fears?
The other thing that is odd is I think I may have ovulated… Bizarre no? I’m not positive but I started getting the sensitive nips which is always a sign of ovulation for me on Tuesday. So yesterday and this morning I took my temp. Wednesday was in a pre-O range, but I’m a slow riser which I’ve proved in the past and today was high. BUT I’ve also heard that Vitex can increase your progesterone so it might be that. I just don’t know. I’ll continue to check my temp until I’ve figured this whole mess out.
For awhile I’ve been wanting to set aside a day of the week to dedicate a post to something non-fertility related. So much of my life is already dominated by my drive to have a baby and I know it is good for me to let something else take a priority every once in a while.
I am a reader. A big reader in fact. I’m the co-worker that purposefully goes on break at a different time than anyone else so that I can read rather than talk. Almost every night before bed I take a nice hot bath and read. I love books. I love how stories can transport you to a different world, make feel emotions that you would otherwise not be feeling, and generally captivate you.
When I was younger I read only one type of book, cheesy romance novels (tame ones of course because I was a good little sheltered girl). It is so funny how things change over time because now I can’t stand those types of books. It is very very rare that I will pick up a romance book. Now I am more into serious books. I like nitty-gritty, dramatic, and sometimes disturbing books. Yup I’m weird like that.
I got my love for reading from my mom but unlike me she likes the happy romance stuff. She says she reads to escape all the crap that exists in the real world. She likes to pretend there is the perfect guy who says all the right things and looks like Zac Efron (okay yes he is real and YUMMY but I’m sure he is far from perfect). I on the other hand hate that stuff because I know that is not how the world is. I know there is no Prince Charming and happily ever after. I think there are people who come into our lives that make us better and who we love more than anything, but they are not perfect, nor is life. Maybe I am too jaded but I’d rather read something real.
I am also a re-reader. A lot of people ask me how I can stand to read books more than once and for me it is quite simple. If a story is well done, I mean really well done, it does not matter if you’ve read it before. It still has the ability to pull you into the world and transport you to another time. There have been many books that I have picked up for a 2nd or 3rd time and have not been able to put down. To me that is a true testament of a good book.
I can not guarantee that I will do a written Wednesday post every week, but I will try. I will talk about books I have read, books I am reading, books I loved, books I hated and everywhere in between. If you ever have any recommendations please send them my way, I am always looking for something new to read.
My body hates me. Seriously, it seems to formulate plans on how to bring out the highest amount of misery in my life. Maybe it is trying to get back at me for all the Twinkies and hoho’s from my youth.
This weeks torture: Nausea.
Like, serious nausea. Ever since I had sun poisioning last week I have been nauseous. There have been days that I have had to take some left over anti-nausea medication from my surgery even. It’s ridiculous. But worse…it’s messing with my mind. Because the truth is I should be feeling sick, but I should also be 9 weeks pregnant today which I most definitely am not.
If I didn’t know for a fact that my HCG last Tuesday was at a 3 and my progesterone at .10 then I really would think I’m pregnant. I’m sick, exhausted, and TMI but all of a sudden I have more CM then I’ve ever had. My body is so confused.
The other thought I had was that maybe I was about to ovulate, but my doctor said that after a miscarriage your body will not start the ovulation process till your HCG is less than 5. On Monday April 30th my HCG was 24. So even if it was completely gone by the next day at the most I am on CD 14 today (doubtful) which the earliest I’ve ever ovulated was CD 19. Plus this stuff has been going on for a week. I am somewhat tempted to break out my thermometer and chart just to see if I do ovulate this cycle, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to actually do it.
I’m in a bit of a dour mood lately. It’s been confusing because up until this week I was doing so well dealing with everything. But I have a theory about what is going on. About 2 years ago a good friend of mine got pregnant. She had been taking anxiety/depression medication but quit cold turkey as soon as she found out. I was a bit worried about it because I know how hard it is to stop taking meds like that suddenly. But she did great, she sailed through her pregnancy and only recently just got back on her medication (her daughter is almost 1).
During that time she had spoken to her doctor about everything and he seemed to think that sometimes pregnancy hormones cause an increase in serotonin, making you feel happier and less anxious. In some cases this makes the need for medication unnecessary during pregnancy and while breastfeeding.
I also got off my medication as soon as I found out I was pregnant and I felt great. I was happier than ever (obviously being pregnant was part of that) and felt no need for medication at all. Even after I knew it was over I still felt good about everything. The thing is up until last week I still had pregnancy hormones in me, now I don’t. Now I’m sad. Now I am back to the crazy infertile girl who hates anyone* who dares walk by me with a baby, or a big pregnant belly, or a toddler, or even worse…all three.
Baby on Board sticker on your car? Hate you.
See you carrying a shopping bag from the maternity store? Hate you.
Pregnant and complaining about how you miss drinking? HAHAHA pass me another beer while I hate you!
I’m getting back on my medication, because obviously, I need it. For right now at least. I thought maybe I could get away with not going back on it but I also know that feeling this way does not help anything. So I’m gonna bite the bullet and do what I can to help myself.
Now if my body will just do the same and let me move on to whatever is next for us.
On another note my heart is aching for Jen at the loss of her baby girl Ainsley. Ainsley’s twin Evelyn died at birth and Ainsley has been living at the NICU since she was born 17 months ago. It seems so unfair for her to lose Ainsley this way after she has already lost so much. If you feel so inclined, hop over and giver her some love and support.
*I have to remind you that I am a very sarcastic person and absolutely NONE of this applies to anyone in the IF community. There have been a ton of BFP’s lately and I am thrilled for every last one of you. I don’t hate any of you, I don’t know if I ever could because of all the love and mushy stuff that I feel for you. Seriously. <3
There have been a wave of BFPs in the infertility community lately and while I am thrilled for every single one of you I can’t but be reminded that I should be among those going for their first scans. I thought this would be my first Mother’s Day.
But enough about that crap because I’m making myself cry.
Instead I am going to focus on my own Mother. She is more than a mother to me, she is my best friend. She is someone I can call any time day or night and tell anything too. She comforts me in times of trouble and rejoices with me in times of triumph. Moving out-of-state from her was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do but still our relationship remains strong.
I’ve always said that I thought J and I would have a boy first, but lately I can not get the picture or idea of a little girl out of my mind. I think it is because as the oldest child and only daughter I have this idea that if I had a girl that maybe she and I could have the same relationship that I have with my mom. I couldn’t imagine anything that would make me happier.
So here is to my mom, my friend, my rock. I love her more than words can say.
Hopefully next Mother’s Day will have a much happier ending.
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So here are my 7 random facts:
1. I’ve always been a needle-phobe. When I was around 12 I had to get my blood drawn for something and I totally had a melt down in the waiting room. My mom was so embarrassed. As I got older I didn’t freak out, but I would pass out every time I had the smallest amount of blood drawn. I am now over that thanks to this infertility nightmare journey. Now I just pass over the veins and avoid looking at the blood coming from my arm just in case I get queasy.
2. When I was 19 I went on a study abroad trip to Australia with my cousin. Technically it was through her college but she invited me along and we spent 3 weeks traveling around the Southern part of Australia. Before moving to California it was the longest I had ever been away from my family. It was also one of the greatest times of my life. Whenever I see my cousin we remember all the adventures we had down under.
3. During my teen years I had a major thing for NSYNC. It is actually embarrassing to think about because truthfully…I was obsessed. I was SO in love with Justin Timberlake and convinced I was going to marry him. I always joke that is why I ended up with J. He has the curly hair and the blue eyes just like Justin. The dancing and singing, not so much.
4. I grew up with 3 younger brothers. When I was younger I wanted a sister desperately. When my mom was pregnant with the last one the first ultrasound even showed that he was a girl, but alas I never got my sister. Now I am actually grateful for that. I love my brothers, they are hilarious. But there is something special about being the only girl, my mom and I are super close and I would not trade that relationship for a sister for anything.
5. I am a pessimistic optimist. It’s really confusing because I always am so hopeful with things. Every cycle I am sure it is going to be the one. Then the pessimist jumps in and knocks me down, then the optimist builds me back up…its exhausting. I kind of picture it like the movie “The Emperor’s New Groove” in the scene where Kronk has the angel and devil on his shoulder. “This guy will lead you down the path or righteousness, I’m gonna lead you down the path that ROCKS!”
6. I consider myself a serious reader, I always have a book (or my kindle) with me and I read at LEAST for 30 min. every day. Usually more. But I am not embarrassed to admit that my favorite book it Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Really I love the whole series more than I can say. I plan to do a post on it eventually. But those books made me fall in love with imagination. The way those stories pull you in to another world is amazing to me and truthfully, I am still waiting for my Hogwarts letter.
7. I don’t have a lot of friends. I don’t say this to make people feel bad for me or anything, it’s just a fact. I’m definitely more introverted and not big into the social scene. I prefer to spend my time at home with my husband. I have a few good friends but for the most part I keep to myself.
Blogs I love (if you’ve already received this no need to do it again I just wanted you to know my love for you)
Pretty much describes my life at the moment. I got my final HCG test back today. 3 – officially no longer pregnant. Such a bittersweet moment. When they called me to inform me of the results the nurse asked me what my plans where…basically asking if I would be coming back to them for more treatments. Um…NO. I have some issues with my current RE that I really need to explain in another post.
I basically just told them that we are holding on to the hope that my body is going to cooperate and continue to ovulate on its own. If that is the case then we want to try naturally…I mean that’s how we got here so why not give it another go?
I feel very disconnected about the whole thing. Not really sure why.
I am currently on my 4th medication to clear out an ear infection. That’s right. 4. I have pretty much been sick non stop for over a month now. 4 ear infections, bronchitis, a really bad sunburn over the weekend, which ended up leading to sun poisoning the past 2 days. I seriously can’t catch a break.
Not to mention that in the process of getting the fore mentioned sunburn I had to listen to some really ignorant people. We were at the beach with a bunch of people from J’s work. Those people also invited people from all around so the ones that I am talking about I don’t actually know. Anyways I’m lying on the beach trying to snooze and a group of 3 obnoxious girls can’t keep their traps shut. They started joking around that one of them was 3 months pregnant, which of course caught my attention because…you know…babies, so the girl starts denying it and they go into this whole “joke” about how she was hoping for a miscarriage. They even brought up how they hoped it was ectopic so it would have to be aborted or how if not they would use a hanger to take care of it.
Seriously…you can’t make this shit up.
I had to grab J and walk away because I was close to tears. Obviously they don’t know me or my situation but SERIOUSLY? How STUPID and IGNORANT can you get. That is NOT stuff to make light of, I don’t care if you are drunk or joking around or just plain dumb as hell. This is not a joke to all of us struggling every day. The real kicker is I bet any one of these girls could get pregnant the first month they tried. Life kind of sucks that way.
So yeah. Fun times. I woke up Monday morning severely nauseated and ended up spending all day in bed between running to the toilet to vomit every hour or so. I’m starting to get really worried about my job. I haven’t been the most reliable employee lately, they have been nice about it, very understanding, but I know things are not looking good. We are having our big once a year fundraiser this weekend and I’m supposed to work but after I called out today they pulled me from the schedule. They said it is because they want me to take the time to take care of myself but I know it is because they don’t feel like they can depend on my anymore. I can’t really blame them for that. I just hate being so unreliable at a job I used to excel at.
Anyways, this post ended up coming out a lot more depressing then I meant it to be. I do think part of my issue right now is that I got off my anxiety / depression medication when I got pregnant and I haven’t gotten back on it. I don’t feel depressed, on the contrary, I think I’m doing really damn good considering all that happened. But I can’t ignore the anxiety either. I’m gonna give it another week or so and revisit the idea again, but I really don’t want to use the medication if I don’t have to . Hopefully I’ll still have a job by then too. Sigh. I think I need to go to bed now.
There are moments in life that you treasure, regardless of the outcome. For me the past 2 weeks have been rolling around in my head like a bad lifetime movie. It’s all very dramatic, I’m awesome like that. I think the reason I can’t get it out of my head though, is because I haven’t really talked about it. I mean I’ve shared bits and pieces with people and on this blog, but I never really got the chance to share the whole story, how I felt through it all, and what I see for the future.
So it may be redundant but I’m gonna tell the story. Because I WANT to remember it. I want to remember every little detail because it did mean something to me. I sometimes feel like I am being silly by dwelling on such an early loss, but then I remind myself that it is still a loss. And I need to let that be a part of me.
I didn’t expect to get pregnant during our March cycle. I know that sometimes I’ll say that to myself but in the back of my head I am still so sure it will finally be our month, but it wasn’t like that this time. We had house guests staying with us the week I was due to ovulate. Talk about inopportune timing. We did everything wrong that cycle. During that weekend we went hot tubing, we did try – but not as often as we should have, and generally we let go.
To make matters worse my temperature remained stubbornly low. Based on my cervix position and CM I was sure I had ovulated on CD 22 (monday) but my temp did not budge. Eventually my cervix dropped and my cm dried up, so I figured my body had tried to ovulate but failed. I was devastated. I thought that we had gone back to how it all was before the surgery, that we had gotten a brief window of what it would be like to not have to use fertility meds and now it was gone.
I went back home for my best friend’s wedding that Thursday. I didn’t think twice about going through the full body scan at the airport. It didn’t matter anyways. That next morning on CD 26 my temperature shot up. I felt a huge surge of both relief and sadness. Relief because my body was still working, sadness because there was no way that I was pregnant as we hadn’t done the deed since CD 21. Fertility Friend eventually decided that I had O’d on CD23 (Tuesday) which was better, but still it was almost 48 hours since the last “attempt” so it wasn’t gonna happen.
While on vacation I took no precautions. I did some more hot tubing, I drank loads of caffeine, and pretty much forgot about the situation. When I got home I started planning the next cycle. On 10 DPO I started having a little bit of brown spotting which was right on time. Usually I start spotting 3-4 days before AF arrives so again I was reassured that the cycle was a bust. On 11dpo I was dismayed when I woke up to bleeding. I usually have a 14 day LP so I didn’t want to believe that I had started so early. I decided to wait an hour and check again, when I did there was more blood. I was upset not because of AF, I had expected that, but I really did not want to think about the implications of a short LP. I put in a tampon and sadly went about my day.
That evening J and I went out to eat. Afterwards we stopped at an ice cream shop and enjoyed our desert in the open air. I told him I was done. Not really done, I still wanted to try of course, but I was done putting all my eggs in one basket. I wanted to start the adoption process. It was a calm conversation, emotions were not high, but all of a sudden I was crying. Tears were streaming down my face which was humiliating given we were in a very public area, yet I could not stop them. I was even laughing at how ridiculous the whole thing was, but I could not stop crying. It never occurred to me that this was a symptom.
That evening when I got home I went to change my tampon only to find there was nothing on it. This confused me a bit but I figured that since I had no cramps either that it was some weird spotting and I would start at the normal time. Over the next few days I experienced no more spotting which honestly did concern me. I ALWAYS spot before my period, not to mention my temp was still high.
On Monday (13 DPO) my temp was still high that morning. It should have dropped by then but it was still high. In the past my temp has dropped the day before my period starts. So between not spotting and the temperature I started to feel suspicious, but I convinced myself it was just my imagination and that I would probably start anyways.
I argued with myself the whole way home from work. It is truly easier for me to see my period than a BFN so I really did not want to test…but I was scheduled to go meet my new endocrinologist the next day. I also was down to 2 HPT’s and did not want to waste them on yet another negative. But I argued with myself over and over again and the hopeful side of my brain won out. As soon as I got home I peed on a stick before I could change my mind. I left it in the bathroom and walked away without a second glance.
I did some mundane things around the house – put away groceries, did a load of laundry, avoided the bathroom, but eventually I knew I had to go look. As I was walking towards the bathroom I said out loud to my dog “It’s time to go see the negative test!”
It was positive. I stared at that thing harder than I have ever stared at anything in my life, afraid that if I blinked it would disappear. Then I broke down.
I sobbed in that bathroom for a good 10 min. Tears STREAMING down my face while I said over and over “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh…”
I could never describe the happiness that I felt in that moment. I was so amazing. And regardless of the outcome I am SO grateful for that moment because of how powerful it was.
I told J that evening less than 5 min. after he walked in the door. I told him that I really didn’t think that now was the right time to get another dog even though we had been out looking for one that weekend. When he asked why I said “Because we are going to have a baby.” He simply said “That’s right.” thinking that I was just being positive. I had to tell him “No, really…we are going to have a baby.”
He thought I was joking, it took a min. to convince him and then I showed him with shaking hands the positive test. Life was good that night.
Although at the end if it all there is no baby for us from that pregnancy I will cherish that night. That night made all the crap we have gone through in the past year and a half seem worth it and it also gave me a renewed sense of strength.
It may sound crazy but for me, my miscarriage was a good thing. Not good that I lost a baby that was so desperately wanted, but it really did change how I felt about our future. Before the pregnancy I was pretty much ready to throw in the towel, I was tired of feeling so un-happy. But now…I know what I have to look forward to. I ache to have that evening again, that evening of carefree bliss, of knowing that we created LIFE.
We can do it again. I know we can. And we will be just as happy the 2nd time around, hopefully the ending is just as happy as well.
While I miss that baby, I know it served its purpose. It made me strong enough to hold on a little longer, till it can come back to me with a healthier body. I know that baby is waiting for me just like I am waiting for it. I will never understand why it is taking so long or why we are being put through so much, but I do know that the end result will be worth it.
I’ve only had one small break down since finding out about the miscarriage. I was in the car on my way to a meeting when a song came on the radio, a song I’ve never given much mind but it touched me. One step closer…that is what I am.
Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more
One step closer
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more
