Monthly Archives: October 2011

Halloween

Ah Halloween. All Hallows Eve. This is the time of year that all the fertile people in the land get to dress up their wee ones as monkeys, beans, tigers, and princesses. But for the lowly infertiles of the world there is a solution to your melancholy. Dress up your pets, that is what they are there for!

Toady can’t wait till I have a baby so he can stop performing for me all the time. But isn’t he just the cutest pumpkin?

Happy Halloween everyone!

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Filed under Celebration, Infertility

You know you are infertile when…

-You start talking to your ovaries, encouraging them to make nice healthy eggs.

-You invest in a collection of nice and decorative socks for your doctor’s visits.

-You always shave your legs and keep “down there” trimmed just in case of an appointment with Mr. Dildo Cam.

-You de-friend anyone on Facebook who announces they are pregnant.

-No matter what letter you type into google, the recent searches are all pregnancy related.

-Your vitamin shelf looks more like a pharmacy.

-You know more acronyms then you even knew were possible.

-After doing the “baby dance” you lay perfectly still, convinced that if you lay still enough that you will become pregnant.

-You have your fertility clinic on speed dial.

-When you call the fertility clinic you do not even have to give your name to the receptionist for them to know who you are.

 

CD5 and on my 4th day of Clomid treatment! Grow follicles grow!

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Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Infertility, Lists

Let a new cycle begin!

I finished my birth control pack on Sunday and it was a huge relief. The only thing that really concerned me is I pretty much spotted/bled through the majority of this cycle. So color me surprised when I go off BC and I DON”T bleed. Figure right? My RE seemed unconcerned saying that since I did bleed so much the past few weeks that my body might not have much lining to shed. He measured it today and said it looked good and ran a few hormone panels but pretty much said that we were good to proceed with our first official cycle with him.

Well hello Mr. Dildo Cam! You and I are going to be good friends this month.

Our plan of attack is now 100 mg of Clomid from cycle days 2-11 (yes 10 days! Anyone ever heard of this before? I hadn’t), Lots of Dildo Cam action to see when the follicles are mature, HCG Trigger shot to release, IUI, and Progesterone supplements. Oh, and baby asprin. My wallet is screaming for mercy already.

I really like my doctor. He totally lets us set the pace of things and I never feel any pressure from him to proceed a certain way. He gives his opinions, but it is in a very straight forward way, which I appreciate. Although he did break my cardinal rule today. He said he didn’t think it would take much to get me pregnant. But somehow coming from him I couldn’t help but feel myself light up. I should know better, but I can’t help but be the optimist. He did confirm my suspicions that my OBGYN was a complete moron by saying that she should have been monitoring me more closely when she put me on clomid. There were never any ultrasounds done, the blood work was a constant issue, and during the whole 3 months the only time I saw her was when she first wrote me the prescription. Other than that I only saw or talked to her nurse. It’s all good though, I don’t plan on going back to her.

So now the anxiety begins again. Hoorah! Aren’t you excited? I know I am. CD 2 and clomid begins tonight!

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Filed under BABIES!, Infertility, Just my luck

The Mistress

For the past year my husband has had a mistress. I always know when he has been dreaming of her. Sometimes I’ll walk into his office and he will quickly close out the tabs on his internet with a guilty look on his face. When I ask what he was doing he would hang his head and say “Looking at real estate in Seattle.” Yes, my husband’s mistress is Seattle Washington.

Maybe it is the fact that they have a large number of possible job opportunities there, maybe it’s the fact that it has so much wooded areas and in another life J was a hermit living alone in nature, or maybe it is both these with the added bonus of a lower price of living. That last one does have my attention.

We live in Southern California. Land of “you can’t afford this” real estate. We have a small but nice 2 bedroom apartment that we pay far too much for but that very much suites our needs. But the fact is, if we stay in California, we won’t own a home. At least not for a very, very long time. Our kids will not have a backyard or a long driveway to learn to ride their bikes on. Our dog is inside 95% of the day even though he loves nothing more to be outside and mark everything in sight.

So J dreams of Seattle.

We had wanted to make a trip. His 29th birthday and our 4 year anniversary were coming up so we snatched to chance and went. See part of J’s problem is he had always gone during the “summer” of Seattle. He only ever saw sun there. I wanted him to see REAL Seattle. And we did. It was gloomy, dark, rainy and windy the whole time we were there. Jlooked a little taken aback. We explored the city and drove around to all the possible suburbs that we would live in if we decided to move. So much driving I have never done.

It was good that we did it. His passion has now cooled a bit, although not entirely forgotten. We decided our best course of action is to stay put for now. He is in a unique situation at work where his bosses LOVE him. If he is patient, he could go far in the company.

So for now dreams of backyards and quiet neighborhoods and big houses by the lake are pushed away. Maybe one day Seattle will be the perfect fit for us. I could actually see us being quite happy there once we got used to the gloominess. Overall, our trip was exactly what we both needed. We got away and forgot about all our “issues”. We relaxed and enjoyed each others company. 4 years of marriage and I am still crazy about the man. And at least for now his mistress has been dethroned.

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Filed under On the Road

Motherhood

I am writing this from the gray haze that is Oregon. It has been a lovely day with a constant cloud cover and a slight chill in the air. We are visiting my brother in law and his wife. And of course our first nephew who is now 3 months old. I knew this trip was going to be a little hard on me, just because when they announced their pregnancy I was sure I was going to follow suit rather quickly. But here I am, a year later, babyless.

My nephew is adorable. Chunky cheeks and very strong for a 3 month old. He is so fascinated with the world and gets mad if he is not sitting up and able to see all that is going on around him. The world seems full of possibilities for him. I would love to give him a little cousin.

It does not help that they had such an easy time conceiving him. When I saw them for the first time after she told us she was pregnant I asked how long it took them, at the time I had been off of birth control for 3 weeks and was excited about chances, she said “Well, we just timed it right the first month.”

Ouch. But they are great people. They cautiously asked us when we were going to start a family and I told them a bit of what we are going through. They were supportive and said they were sure it would all work out. I hope so.

But it is not just that. Two days ago we went to Disneyland. We had annual passes and they were about to expire so we wanted to go one last time. Truthfully we hadn’t been since we started any sort of fertility treatment. Disneyland is a sort of special hell for the infertile.

The thing I realized though, is that I don’t just want to have a baby. I want to be a MOTHER. J always says I am baby hungry, but I want it all. I want the toddler, the child, and even the snotty teenager. Babies are cute but there is more to it then that. I want to raise a family. Have children that I know I will love unconditionally. I want to see J push around a baby stroller and coo at our children the way that I have seen my brother in law do today.

I want to be a mother. I can only hope that we are on our way.

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Filed under BABIES!, Infertility

I hate Birth Control

Well yeah…of course I do. What woman who is trying to become a mother doesn’t?

But I really hate it. The one good thing that had come out of all this was the fact that I would never have to take birth control again! I AM my own birth control! And here I am, taking the evil little pill every morning.

Yes, I know it is only for one cycle. But it has already messed me up so bad. So let’s begin. My list of why I hate birth control:

1. The obvious. It stops me from getting pregnant.

2. My skin now looks like a greasy teenager experiencing their first breakout.

3. It is making me nauseous. Like really. I am having the most difficult time with food lately. Everything either sounds disgusting or smells disgusting. Oh the smells. I almost gagged while heating up a pizza for lunch yesterday. I LOVE pizza. It was so sad.

4. Been feeling a little more down than usual. Blaming the birth control because it is easy to do.

5. BLEEDING. Yup. I have been on birth control for almost two weeks and for the whole amount of time I have been bleeding. Sometimes brown blood, sometimes bright red. Not enough to wear a tampon or pad, just enough to stain all my panties. I was so concerned about it that I talked to my RE. He just said BC can thin out your lining and that it was nothing to worry about. Well great. I love this.

There you have it. I am also worried that it is going to ruin the weight loss that I have been working on, but I didn’t put it on the list because I am not sure. I have been too scared to check. Doctor gave me a challenge to lose 10 lbs to see if it would get me ovulating on my own and I am 1/2 way there. If this messes with it I will not be a happy camper.

I just keep telling myself only one more week. Then the REAL fun begins. I can’t wait.

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Filed under Infertility, Just my luck, Lists

Infertility brain

Hello, I’m Trisha and I have a problem.

*Hello Trisha* 

I have infertility brain. It is a sad disorder where all your conscious and sometimes unconscious thoughts revolve around your own infertility. Sadly there is only one cure…a positive pregnancy test. But there is also a high risk that once you do see that positive pregnancy test you may develop pregnancy brain. It is a vicious cycle.

Yesterday was so draining, both mentally and physically. It surprises me sometimes how much all this stuff can seep into my brain. Last night after the discussion with our RE about our options I had a frightening dream. I dreamed that we had moved on to using injectables to make me ovulate. With injectables there is a higher risk of multiples (Kate plus 8). Which frankly scares me to death. I think we could do twins. It would be hard, but we could do it. Triplets? Yeah, no. More? Kill me now. In my dream last night we went in to the doctor to see how many follicles had developed. 109. On each ovary.

I think I need to get out more. Although I did ask J how he felt about 218 babies. He kinda looked at me like I was crazy. Good stuff. Oh by the way, I made him look up a picture of Kate Gosselin while she was pregnant with sextuplets. SO funny. I thought he was gonna cry he was so frightened.

Moral of the story…do not read infertility blogs right before bed after having discussions with your infertility specialist. Side effects are terrify dreams of  impossible feats.

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Filed under BABIES!, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Infertility