I had my friend from back home inform me that she is pregnant today. She said at first she was unsure if she should tell me or not, but decided to since she is a bad liar. I do understand her hesitance to tell me. Pretty much all our conversations are dominated by our infertility woes. But that is the thing. She has struggled too. More so than me I’d say. It took her 2 years and many procedures related to endometriosis to have her first little boy. Last year she had a miscarriage at 11 weeks and it has taken her over a year to conceive since then. I am thrilled for her. She really wanted this baby and it will most likely be her last. She is a good mom and she deserves to have a happy and healthy pregnancy.
If the roles were reversed I would probably have found it difficult to tell her too. How can you share your elation and joy with someone you know it will only make feel horrible and sad? It is not an easy thing. I will admit, when I first saw those words “I’m pregnant” flash on my phone screen my heart dropped a little. But this has nothing to do with her. I am so happy that her time has come, I just ache that mine is still stuck in layover somewhere. I could never resent her for something that makes her so happy.
In the 10+ months that we have been trying to have a baby I have had 3 friends/family members announce their pregnancy. I have also had 4 friends deliver babies, one had twins. Most of them I have handled well. I have smiled and congratulated them. I have held their babies and coo’d at their adorable little faces. But when one of my friends announced her pregnancy I did break down. It was in May and I had just found out my first cycle of clomid had not even produced any ovulation. When I saw her announcement on Facebook I broke down in tears. I cried so hard that night. And then I just felt guilty. How horrible of a person was I that I was upset about someone else’s joy? This girl had suffered a miscarriage before I even started trying and it took her another 10 months to conceive. Didn’t she deserve it?
That was a wake up call for me. I never wanted to be that person again. I would not be the one that people have to walk around like they were on egg shells for. I would share in their happiness and excitement. And now I have one more person in my life to feel joy for. And I am so glad that I do.