Drowning

The original title of this post was going to be something along the lines of “Finally Good News!”. But the world has a grand old way of kicking me back down to the depressing reality that is my life.

The water sonogram went well. It wasn’t NEARLY as painful as the HSG test. When he inserted the catheter I did have quite a bit of cramping which made my doctor comment that I must have a sensitive cervix. Great that should help a lot with the whole giving birth thing. But I was most scared for when they injected the water as that was the most painful part of the HSG. Didn’t hurt at all. And major relief – there is no sign of of polyps or anything else that would cause problems in my uterus. Finally a body part that isn’t out to get me.

Because everything is all good, we are now clear to proceed to trying again next month. When we first sat down with the doctor we discussed all our possible options along with what the chances of the each working was and the cost. J and I decided we felt most comfortable with starting on the low end, with less medication. We wanted to give Clomid another chance with some alterations. So the first week of November if everything goes according to plan we will be taking 150 mg of Clomid, HCG trigger shot, IUI, and progesterone supplements. Doctor was a little hesitant since I haven’t responded great to Clomid before, but I don’t feel like I can jump to doing more without at least trying again.

On the past with Clomid I HAVE ovulated. Just really late. My progesterone levels are also notoriously low. So I feel that with the upped dosage with IUI, Progesterone, and HCG shot we might just have a chance. He agreed to give it a shot as long as I knew that if I didn’t respond to Clomid this time, that there would be no point in trying it again the following cycle. Which is just fine with me.

So that is all good right? A good day! We are moving forward!

Then I get home. I knew that one of the most difficult things about this whole experience would not be the procedures or the pain. It would be my husband and the money. Let me explain. I love my husband more than anything. He is an amazing person who I know would do anything for me. But he is the cheapest man alive. I thought I had prepared him for the cost. I knew it would still be hard on him, but I thought he understood. This is the CHEAPEST of our options.

Well it didn’t go well. Inevitably I ended up in tears for a major portion of the night with my hands curled up in fists and finger nails digging into my skin because I was so upset and angry. I have never been so angry. We are really lucky. We have the financial means to do this, many do not. Do I want to spend all our savings on fertility treatments? No, of course not. But in the end it is just money to me. Life is about so much more. He apologized of course and I knew he felt bad. But I am still feeling pretty resentful.

When we got into the car to go get a snack after we had both calmed down, I told him I hoped I will drown in the rain while we are in Seattle next week. It would just be easier. Melodramatic much? Yeah I am. Don’t mess with a girl who is on anti-depressants and barely hanging on to sanity. It isn’t pretty. But hey, at least now I have this awesome Oreo sundae.

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4 Comments

Filed under Depression, Infertility, Just my luck

4 responses to “Drowning

  1. Orea sundaes can be a daily thing…..

    I loved your post! My husband and I will be having our 2nd IUI here in the next week, and it’s been tough on me. I also had 3 baby showers in the last 2 weeks and 4 people tell me that they are pregnant since we started the process a month ago! Ahhh! You just want everyone else to shut up about babies!

    But, then, I want to “rejoice with those who rejoice” also! I pray for joy in these situations daily.

    If it helps at all, my husband made a great point of how much it takes to adopt. IUI’s are much cheaper, so it’s a great way to start! And, actually having a baby is pretty costly! It’s a hard decision to make.

    Praying that your month goes successfully! How often are you doing blood tests? I’m just curious!! Thank you!

    • I know what you mean. It seems like as soon as we started trying (or having issues) baby stuff is everywhere! Baby showers, baby births, baby announcements. Boo.

      Are you using any drugs in addition to IUI? I’m kinda nervous about it.

      I just got a huge amount of bloodwork done so I think the next time I’ll have to go in is day 23 to check my progesterone levels to see if I ovulated on Clomid. Usually I only go once a month.

  2. It’s a brave brave man willing to mess with a woman on the edge..and I live with one. I’m sorry it’s so difficult right now. But you’re right, it is only money.and maybe it’s easy to say that because my savings has already gone down the IVF drain. But you know what? While a healthy savings account is nice, growing your family is better by far…also I’m glad to hear the SHG wasn’t too bad. Mine is scheduled for the 28th!

    • I agree. I’ll spend whatever it takes to have a family. I think he will too, it just is harder on him then me. He keeps saying the whole thing feels unnatural. Well it is buddy, but sadly that is how it is going to be. He’ll come around though. We are planning on going ahead with everything in November.

      What are they checking for with yours? I hope it goes well!

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