The original title of this post was going to be something along the lines of “Finally Good News!”. But the world has a grand old way of kicking me back down to the depressing reality that is my life.
The water sonogram went well. It wasn’t NEARLY as painful as the HSG test. When he inserted the catheter I did have quite a bit of cramping which made my doctor comment that I must have a sensitive cervix. Great that should help a lot with the whole giving birth thing. But I was most scared for when they injected the water as that was the most painful part of the HSG. Didn’t hurt at all. And major relief – there is no sign of of polyps or anything else that would cause problems in my uterus. Finally a body part that isn’t out to get me.
Because everything is all good, we are now clear to proceed to trying again next month. When we first sat down with the doctor we discussed all our possible options along with what the chances of the each working was and the cost. J and I decided we felt most comfortable with starting on the low end, with less medication. We wanted to give Clomid another chance with some alterations. So the first week of November if everything goes according to plan we will be taking 150 mg of Clomid, HCG trigger shot, IUI, and progesterone supplements. Doctor was a little hesitant since I haven’t responded great to Clomid before, but I don’t feel like I can jump to doing more without at least trying again.
On the past with Clomid I HAVE ovulated. Just really late. My progesterone levels are also notoriously low. So I feel that with the upped dosage with IUI, Progesterone, and HCG shot we might just have a chance. He agreed to give it a shot as long as I knew that if I didn’t respond to Clomid this time, that there would be no point in trying it again the following cycle. Which is just fine with me.
So that is all good right? A good day! We are moving forward!
Then I get home. I knew that one of the most difficult things about this whole experience would not be the procedures or the pain. It would be my husband and the money. Let me explain. I love my husband more than anything. He is an amazing person who I know would do anything for me. But he is the cheapest man alive. I thought I had prepared him for the cost. I knew it would still be hard on him, but I thought he understood. This is the CHEAPEST of our options.
Well it didn’t go well. Inevitably I ended up in tears for a major portion of the night with my hands curled up in fists and finger nails digging into my skin because I was so upset and angry. I have never been so angry. We are really lucky. We have the financial means to do this, many do not. Do I want to spend all our savings on fertility treatments? No, of course not. But in the end it is just money to me. Life is about so much more. He apologized of course and I knew he felt bad. But I am still feeling pretty resentful.
When we got into the car to go get a snack after we had both calmed down, I told him I hoped I will drown in the rain while we are in Seattle next week. It would just be easier. Melodramatic much? Yeah I am. Don’t mess with a girl who is on anti-depressants and barely hanging on to sanity. It isn’t pretty. But hey, at least now I have this awesome Oreo sundae.