I am writing this from the gray haze that is Oregon. It has been a lovely day with a constant cloud cover and a slight chill in the air. We are visiting my brother in law and his wife. And of course our first nephew who is now 3 months old. I knew this trip was going to be a little hard on me, just because when they announced their pregnancy I was sure I was going to follow suit rather quickly. But here I am, a year later, babyless.
My nephew is adorable. Chunky cheeks and very strong for a 3 month old. He is so fascinated with the world and gets mad if he is not sitting up and able to see all that is going on around him. The world seems full of possibilities for him. I would love to give him a little cousin.
It does not help that they had such an easy time conceiving him. When I saw them for the first time after she told us she was pregnant I asked how long it took them, at the time I had been off of birth control for 3 weeks and was excited about chances, she said “Well, we just timed it right the first month.”
Ouch. But they are great people. They cautiously asked us when we were going to start a family and I told them a bit of what we are going through. They were supportive and said they were sure it would all work out. I hope so.
But it is not just that. Two days ago we went to Disneyland. We had annual passes and they were about to expire so we wanted to go one last time. Truthfully we hadn’t been since we started any sort of fertility treatment. Disneyland is a sort of special hell for the infertile.
The thing I realized though, is that I don’t just want to have a baby. I want to be a MOTHER. J always says I am baby hungry, but I want it all. I want the toddler, the child, and even the snotty teenager. Babies are cute but there is more to it then that. I want to raise a family. Have children that I know I will love unconditionally. I want to see J push around a baby stroller and coo at our children the way that I have seen my brother in law do today.
I want to be a mother. I can only hope that we are on our way.