Monthly Archives: November 2011

The Dark Place

I think I’ve written a little bit on here about my struggle with depression. When I was around 18 I was diagnosed with anxiety / mild depression. I was put on Zoloft to help control it. For a few years I bounced around on a few different medications including Lexapro which made me gain 20 pounds.

Looking back I don’t really think that I was depressed. I think it was an easy answer for the doctors to help me deal with everything. Without a doubt I do have anxiety issues, which I still struggle with. But I don’t feel like I was any more depressed than the normal person. We all have our down times and so did I.

When we started trying last December I got off my medication. I felt good doing so since I was happier then I had ever been. The anxiety was a concern, but I felt that if I was smart about it and aware of my body, then I could handle it. For 6 months I did great. Then we started getting deeper and deeper into the infertility process. And I felt myself start to shrink away.

By August I was in a darker place then I have ever been in my life. I didn’t want to do anything, see anyone, and sometimes I just wanted it all to be over. To not care anymore. It was then that I realized that I needed serious help. I hated who I had become and what my relationship had become because of my depression. It scared me how much I didn’t care about anything. So I got back on my medication and started seeing a therapist.

I write all this because I think it is important to recognize your weaknesses. Also because to me, this blog has seriously helped my depression. I am the type of person that puts on a mask for people. If you knew me in real life, you might wonder who this sad, whiney girl is who uses my name on the internet. I act cheerful and happy and like I don’t have  a care in the world. When people who do know about our infertility issues ask me how I am doing I throw on my mask, smile, and tell them its hard but I’m doing good.

I even do this with my therapist. In fact my mask worked so well that in October she said she felt that I was doing so good that she didn’t think it was necessary for me to come every week. That I seemed happy. So I started this blog. This is the first place I have ever felt like I can truly say what I think and feel. Usually I worry about how people would perceive me if they heard these dark thoughts. My mom would worry, J would worry, and I would feel like they were watching my every move. But here I know I can say all my deepest fears and feelings without the fear of repercussion.

That being said, I have my first appointment with my therapist in 2 months tonight. I know that I need more help then I was willing to admit back in October. I would also like to get myself in a place that when I do get pregnant, coming off the medication won’t be a big deal. So my new goal for December is to shred that mask and let the real me out into the world. It scares me a bit, to tell a stranger all these thoughts that I am ashamed of. Worried that she will judge me for being bitter and cynical. But I need to figure out how to deal with this. I need to do it for myself, my marriage, and even for my fertility. I need to feel positive and bright about our future again.

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Filed under Depression, Infertility, Living Life, marriage

More Thanks

This time I want to send out thanks to you. Yes, you. All the people who read this blog and who responded to my last post, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Your comments meant so much to me. I don’t have family where I live and though I talk to them on the phone quite often I find it hard to express my true emotions because I fear that they will worry about me. This blog has given me the chance to express what I am truly feeling and it makes me feel like I found somewhere that I belong during this whole dark journey.

I wish none of us where in the position that we are in, but I guess if we have to be here at least we have each other. And the company could be a whole lot worse.

Last night J and I had one of the most honest conversations we have ever had since starting this whole thing. We have always felt that we had two different view points to this whole thing that were miles apart. But as it turns out, though they are different issues, we are surprisingly similar. Situations are usually not black and while and it is definitely true in this case. Our issues are far from solved, but I think we finally have a better understanding of each other and where we want to end up in life. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…I am so blessed to be married to this man.

I also talked to my clinic today and explained our situation and how we felt we needed to take December off. They were extremely supportive and assured us that come January they’d still be willing to help us out with some medication. The lady I deal with is so bright and positive that it is impossible not to feel good after talking to her. She said that we should just try naturally this month and maybe it just might work. (I doubt it but only because the only time I have ovulated this year has been on my 4 medicated cycles) She also told me that 2012 is the year of the dragon and that means good luck. So that is my new mantra. How could you not love that thought? 2012 will bring good luck and a baby.

And on a slightly weird note, my temp jumped up again today. Um…huh? My temp is never above 97.6 unless I am post ovulation and today it was 98.0. I even took it twice because I was so confused. I won’t lie, there was a moment that I thought maybe the bleeding might be implantation bleeding (I have pretty light periods) but then reason entered my mind and I know that it is not possible for implantation bleeding to be like that and last 3 days. Anyone else ever have a temperature rise while on your period?

 

2 Comments

Filed under Living Life, marriage

One month and four eggs

That is what I lost today. I am officially on CD 1 and officially not pregnant.

I actually handled it pretty well…at first. I had a suspicion it was coming since yesterday my temp dropped quite a bit. It was still above my cover line but well below where my numbers had been during this TWW. Then this morning it dropped below the cover line and I started bleeding by mid morning. I held it together, got myself taken care of, and went about my day with my husband. We went to a movie (terrible) and then to lunch at a restaurant a friend recommended (bland). We then met up with another friend and headed off to the gym so the boys could play racquet ball.

It was there, in the middle of the Lifetime Fitness Gym that I broke down. Seriously? What is wrong with me? There was not a baby in sight, I hadn’t really been thinking about it, but all of a sudden my eyes welled up with tears and I felt the whole impact of what was going on.

Four eggs. Four. You’d think at least one of those guys could attach, especially since we timed everything perfect this month. Four.

I don’t know where to go from here. On Monday I will have to call my clinic and let them know I am on a new cycle and also try to explain that we won’t be cycling in December. I’m hoping they will still be willing to help us out with some free medication in January but there is no guarantee. I will not be getting pregnant this year.

Today, I just want to be sad. I want to feel bitter, cheated, and heartbroken. I want to be mad at those who can get pregnant when I can’t. I want to resent those who will never have to go through this pain. I want to be sad.

The truly upsetting thing is, I can no longer imagine ever getting pregnant. Sure I want it, hope for it. But I can’t see it. I used to feel like my future was so clear. I could see the life I was going to live. Now it is all gone. I look at my friends holding their babies and can’t imagine that I will get to do that someday with my own child. I can’t see myself with a big round belly or holding a positive pregnancy test. Infertility has robbed me of imaging my future. Now all I can see are needles, and bills, and heartache. Today the future is looking pretty bleak.

 

22 Comments

Filed under Depression, Infertility, Just my luck, TWW

Thanks

First of all thank you, thank you to Theresa @ Journey to the Finish Line for nominating me for a Liebster Blog Award! You really made my day!

Here are the rules of the Liebster Award:

The rules:

1. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

So without further ado, My 5 picks.

1. Belle @ Scrambled Eggs. She has so much strength that I admire and I truly love reading all about her journey.

2. The Cornfed Feminist: Sending all my love and support as she goes through a chemical.

3. MotherNatureSchmature: Secondary Infertility and dealing with some family stuff. Hopefully this will make your day a bit better.

4.Creating a Rainbow: I hope your rainbow is right around the corner!

5.Waiting for Little Feet: Wishing you the best of luck with your upcoming IVF cycle!

And now on to Thanksgiving. This year has been hard, no doubt. I truly thought I’d have a baby for be very pregnant by this time this year. But life is not always what you expect. This holiday makes me really think about how lucky I really am despite all our difficulties.

I am thankful for:

1. My husband whom I love even more than the day I married him. He is my best friend and I could not imagine my life without him. He can make me laugh with the littlest comment and can brighten my day with just a touch. I feel so blessed to be married to someone whom I have so much fun with.

2. My family, especially my mom. My mom is my best friend. She has been there for me in the darkest of times and I know she hates that she can’t be with me to hold my hand during all this. But I love her so much. My family is so supportive and only want to see me happy. They are brutally honest with me and I love that. I love how close we all are and I couldn’t ask for a better family.

3. Where I live. I live in a pretty nice place. I mean it is 10 min. from the beach! Whenever I start missing home I think about what I would be giving up and it puts it all in perspective.

4. The fact that we have the means to go through this process to have a family. Yes it is hard, but we can do it and I know there are a lot of people out there that can’t. For that I will always be grateful.

5. My friends, online and off. You guys will probably never know how much your support means. To know that there are people out there that you can connect with that you will most likely never meet is amazing to me. I sending all of you my love and support and only hope that all your dreams come true.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope everyone went into a food coma! (I know I did)

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Filed under Celebration, Living Life

10 DPO

10 dpo and a BFN. Not unexpected though. Surprisingly I wasn’t even all that upset by it, I mean I know that it is still early and there could be a chance, I just don’t think it’s very high. My temps are still higher than I’ve ever seen and I finally got a good nights sleep with the help of Tylenol PM. So now I am off to get ready to head out to Arizona for Thanksgiving. At least it will take my mind off of things. Hopefully everyone else can enjoy their Turkey day too.

5 Comments

Filed under Infertility, Just my luck, TWW

ICLW and Symptom Spotting

Welcome to everyone who is stopping by from IComLeavWe! Hopefully you can stick around for a while. You can find a history of our TTC journey up top.

Today is 8DPO today. I am still struggling to understand if I am having real symptoms or if I am just making them up. I imagine it’s the latter.

My craziness is now including:

-Bloating. Ohh the bloating. It has been pretty bad for the past 4 days and I am really sick of it.

-Cramping. I have been cramping on and off since 5dpo. They are AF like cramps that come and go.

-Insomnia. This one is driving me nuts. The past 3 nights I’ve been struggling with it. The first time I was not able to fall asleep till 2:30am (after lying in bed for 2+ hours), the next night I woke up to take me temp at 5:45 and it took another hour to get back to sleep (I usually never have a problem with this) and last night I woke at 4:00 and tossed and turned till 6:45.

-Waves of nausea. I KNOW! I’m crazy! It is WAY too early for any sort of morning sickness. I am blaming this one on the bloating and sleep deprivation.

-Ear ache. Yeah I don’t know if this could be an actual symptom or not. All I know is that I have never had ear aches since I was a child and all the sudden I have one. Once again, I am a crazy person.

On the plus side, my temps are still up high. In fact, they are higher than they have ever been. I have already made the decision that I will test on Wednesday (10dpo) if they remain high. I figure that way if it’s negative I don’t have to go to work and I have about 6 hours to pull myself together before we head off to Arizona. If it is negative I will not be temping while on vacation and will not test again till we get back on Monday morning. (That is if the period doesn’t get me first.)

If it is positive…well then. I’ll be blown away.

 

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Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Infertility, Lists, TWW

Dealing with it.

I think one of the hardest things about struggling with infertility is dealing with the people around you becoming pregnant. On one hand you know you should be happy for them. It is not their fault that you can’t have a baby. They probably really wanted one too. There should be no bitterness or resentment because they are your friends. Friends should be happy for one another when good things happen.

Then there is the reality. Sometimes no matter how much you try, its hard to be happy for them. It’s hard not to think “why couldn’t that be me?” and not feel the green eye of jealousy rising in your chest. Yes they are your friends, but on a some level you hate them. Not because they are bad people, not at all, but because they have achieved something you so desperately crave. And you begin to wonder if it will ever be you.

Right around the time I started this blog I had a friend tell me she was pregnant. This particular friend tried for 2 years to have her son. When he was 1 and 1/2 they started trying again. She got pregnant within a few months but had a miscarriage. It took her another  year to conceive. As you can see, she struggled. She has endometriosis pretty bad and there is a good chance that this will be her last.

I should be happy for her right?

I am. But I am devastated that it is not me. Since she told me, I’ve had a hard time contacting her. We live in different states so most of our communication is through text message or Facebook. I’ve left a few little notes to her on Facebook, but I have avoided texting her. Because I know inevitably it will make me sad. Not that she would EVER rub it in my face or go on and on about her pregnancy. She is one of the few people in my life who knows what is going on with me.

Today she sent me a text. So of course I asked her how she was doing and how far along she was now. She is doing really good and is now 11 weeks. I wanted to cry. Not because I wish it hadn’t worked out, I would be devastated for her if she lost this baby, but because I would give ANYTHING to be 11 weeks pregnant.

She is a good friend. She spent the rest of the conversation asking me about what treatments we are doing now and letting me know that she was praying for me.

Then I just feel guilty as hell and like I am the worst person in the world.

Apparently I am not dealing with this well.

8 Comments

Filed under Depression, Infertility, Just my luck