I think I’ve written a little bit on here about my struggle with depression. When I was around 18 I was diagnosed with anxiety / mild depression. I was put on Zoloft to help control it. For a few years I bounced around on a few different medications including Lexapro which made me gain 20 pounds.
Looking back I don’t really think that I was depressed. I think it was an easy answer for the doctors to help me deal with everything. Without a doubt I do have anxiety issues, which I still struggle with. But I don’t feel like I was any more depressed than the normal person. We all have our down times and so did I.
When we started trying last December I got off my medication. I felt good doing so since I was happier then I had ever been. The anxiety was a concern, but I felt that if I was smart about it and aware of my body, then I could handle it. For 6 months I did great. Then we started getting deeper and deeper into the infertility process. And I felt myself start to shrink away.
By August I was in a darker place then I have ever been in my life. I didn’t want to do anything, see anyone, and sometimes I just wanted it all to be over. To not care anymore. It was then that I realized that I needed serious help. I hated who I had become and what my relationship had become because of my depression. It scared me how much I didn’t care about anything. So I got back on my medication and started seeing a therapist.
I write all this because I think it is important to recognize your weaknesses. Also because to me, this blog has seriously helped my depression. I am the type of person that puts on a mask for people. If you knew me in real life, you might wonder who this sad, whiney girl is who uses my name on the internet. I act cheerful and happy and like I don’t have a care in the world. When people who do know about our infertility issues ask me how I am doing I throw on my mask, smile, and tell them its hard but I’m doing good.
I even do this with my therapist. In fact my mask worked so well that in October she said she felt that I was doing so good that she didn’t think it was necessary for me to come every week. That I seemed happy. So I started this blog. This is the first place I have ever felt like I can truly say what I think and feel. Usually I worry about how people would perceive me if they heard these dark thoughts. My mom would worry, J would worry, and I would feel like they were watching my every move. But here I know I can say all my deepest fears and feelings without the fear of repercussion.
That being said, I have my first appointment with my therapist in 2 months tonight. I know that I need more help then I was willing to admit back in October. I would also like to get myself in a place that when I do get pregnant, coming off the medication won’t be a big deal. So my new goal for December is to shred that mask and let the real me out into the world. It scares me a bit, to tell a stranger all these thoughts that I am ashamed of. Worried that she will judge me for being bitter and cynical. But I need to figure out how to deal with this. I need to do it for myself, my marriage, and even for my fertility. I need to feel positive and bright about our future again.