Defeated

CD 8 today. Last night I took my 6th dose of Clomid (100mg). Today I had an ultrasound to see how I was responding to the medicine so we can start to time the trigger shot.

Well, I’m not responding. And there is a good chance this cycle will be cancelled.

Dr. said that my line was very thin which is not very good. There is one, slightly bigger than the rest, follicle on my right side and no dominant follicles on the left. But the one on the right is not as big as it should be at this point in my cycle. He said there is a possibility that my body is just taking its sweet time making eggs and that all could still be fine, or there is the more likely scenario that I am not responding and there will be no point in continuing this cycle.

He took my E2 levels to see how my estrogen is. I also have to go back in on Friday to see if there is any improvement.

I am not hopeful.

In fact I feel defeated. The thing is, I KNEW this would happen. I even told my mom last night that my biggest fear was that I would not respond to Clomid and we’d have no other choice but to pursue more aggressive treatment. I brushed the worry off, thinking that I have just been reading far too many infertility blogs. But I knew it. I haven’t felt any hope this cycle at all. In fact I was trying to talk myself into being hopeful.

I know that some people reading this might scoff at me. I know so many of you have gone through so much worse. Been more aggressive, been trying longer, suffered more disappointment. I don’t know how you guys do it. Really. I don’t know if I can. I don’t have the mental strength to handle this. To make matters worse I have a friend whose name is also Trisha. She got married exactly one week before J and I, and she just gave birth to her second baby girl. Second. I want to hate her but then I feel extreme guilt. It’s not her fault that I can’t conceive. But I have to wonder – Does she know how LUCKY she is? That she can just get pregnant when she wants to have a baby? I doubt it. People take it for granted. I sometimes feel that only people who have struggled truly understand what a miracle it is.

And so I wait. Praying with every fiber of my being that there will be some improvement. That it is not a lost cause.

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13 Comments

Filed under Clomid, Depression, Infertility, Just my luck, PCOS

13 responses to “Defeated

  1. I am sorry its not going well. And yes, it is a miracle that people don’t really seem to understand. The way everything has to happen “just so”. Its amazing it happens at all. Ever….And you will find the strength, if you decide a more agressive route is the way you want to go. Its amazing what you will go through and what you can survive. I never thought I wanted to try again after my first IVF cycle ended in m/c, and here I am with an FET cycle start date of 11/7. And I’m even a little bit optimsitic about it. Wishing you the best of luck and hoping that things turn around for you, and if they dont for whatever reason, I hope you find the strength to carry on or the peace needed to not.

    • Thank you for your response. I just need to take a deep breath and try to relax. Obviously there is nothing I can do at this point so I just need to wait and see what happens on Friday.

  2. I know the feeling. I just had a Clomis cycle cancelled too (last cycle). It’s terrible and feels like such a waste of freaking time. Anyway, looking forward now: have you ever heard of Femara? It is much better for lining and tends to produce follicles more readily than Clomid for PCOS women (don’t know if you have that). Anyway, it is a breast cancer drug that works very well as a fertility medicine, so a lot of insurances will cover it. I always make 1-2 follicles on Femara and made nothing (and a 4mm lining! ugh!) on 100 mg of Clomid. Might be worth asking about before you go to injectibles, esp if you are hesitant about it. I was put back on Femara again and am also on Metformin. I am on CD 6. xo

  3. p.s. i think folli checking (with oral meds) on CD8 is a little early. If follies grow 2mm a day, your follicle could be as small as 8 or 10 now and be as big as 22 by CD14. don’t lose all hope just yet. 🙂 I don’t go in for folli checks until CD12-14, and usually I dont trigger until CD15 (to where they are around 18-20mm) . There’s still a good chance!

    • Yeah now that I am doing some research I’m not sure what the issue is. I do agree that CD 8 is early, so hopefully I will get much better news on Friday.

      I briefly asked him about Femara today and he said that if I did not respond on clomid, then I wont respond on femara. But I have heard just the opposite. So now I am questioning whether or not I should get a second opinion…

  4. I’ve never tried cloned ( we are mostly male infertility) but I definitely understand feeling frustrated and defeated. Fingers crossed for you

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  6. I’m so sorry. I think there are going to be days in this journey when we get defeated. And, someday, it will be great to look back and see how we’ve grown through it! I wish I could help more! for both of us!

    I’m not sure if it helps, but I would agree with the other posts that checking on cycle day 8 is really early. My doc’s schedule to check on day 12 or 13. Also, Clomid did not work for me either, however, Fermera has seemed to work better. I have raised the dosage, but I think/hope/pray I’m ovulating now at least! (And starting on my own).
    Praying for you in this hard battle time.

    • Thanks for the comment. I have heard of many women who don’t ovulate on clomid do respond to femara. I am not sure why my doctor would tell me that is not true. If it comes down to it, I will get a 2nd opinion. I’d really like to try to do this the least aggressive way possible.

  7. It’s understandable that you would feel defeated. Even a tiny bit of bad news from the doctor sends me into depression. But lets pray for Friday to get here fast and for it to bring good news with it!

    • Thank you! I tend to obsess about things so anytime I get a little bad news I can’t shake the depression. I burst into tears 4 different times yesterday. Luckily it only takes a good night sleep to snap me out of it so I am feeling much better today.

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