CD 8 today. Last night I took my 6th dose of Clomid (100mg). Today I had an ultrasound to see how I was responding to the medicine so we can start to time the trigger shot.
Well, I’m not responding. And there is a good chance this cycle will be cancelled.
Dr. said that my line was very thin which is not very good. There is one, slightly bigger than the rest, follicle on my right side and no dominant follicles on the left. But the one on the right is not as big as it should be at this point in my cycle. He said there is a possibility that my body is just taking its sweet time making eggs and that all could still be fine, or there is the more likely scenario that I am not responding and there will be no point in continuing this cycle.
He took my E2 levels to see how my estrogen is. I also have to go back in on Friday to see if there is any improvement.
I am not hopeful.
In fact I feel defeated. The thing is, I KNEW this would happen. I even told my mom last night that my biggest fear was that I would not respond to Clomid and we’d have no other choice but to pursue more aggressive treatment. I brushed the worry off, thinking that I have just been reading far too many infertility blogs. But I knew it. I haven’t felt any hope this cycle at all. In fact I was trying to talk myself into being hopeful.
I know that some people reading this might scoff at me. I know so many of you have gone through so much worse. Been more aggressive, been trying longer, suffered more disappointment. I don’t know how you guys do it. Really. I don’t know if I can. I don’t have the mental strength to handle this. To make matters worse I have a friend whose name is also Trisha. She got married exactly one week before J and I, and she just gave birth to her second baby girl. Second. I want to hate her but then I feel extreme guilt. It’s not her fault that I can’t conceive. But I have to wonder – Does she know how LUCKY she is? That she can just get pregnant when she wants to have a baby? I doubt it. People take it for granted. I sometimes feel that only people who have struggled truly understand what a miracle it is.
And so I wait. Praying with every fiber of my being that there will be some improvement. That it is not a lost cause.