There goes my zen…

This weekend I was sitting in the car with my husband. We were just sitting at a stop light, laughing and joking together after going out for a late night snack. There was nothing unusual about this scenario. We go out for snacks more than I care to admit and we are ALWAYS laughing. We play together more than most couples I know and we truly enjoy just being together.

We were sitting at the light and all the sudden I had the thought “This isn’t so bad. What if we don’t ever have kids? We have this!” It was a moment of clarity for me. Because in my life I have never even THOUGHT about never having kids. Even through all the stuff we have gone through the past year. And it’s not that I am ready to throw in the towel by any means, I just know that eventually I could accept that as our future if it came down to it.

I made a decision that night that only I could bring myself down. This thoughts of depression are all self-inflicted. I choose how I react to situations and I choose whether or not I let it consume me. I don’t want to be that person.

This weekend was great. I made an effort to focus on the good things in my life. We talked excitedly about our upcoming Thanksgiving trip and then about our Christmas trip. We went out to eat, made a pie, watched a movie. We enjoyed our time together.

Life was good again.

Then today I log on to Facebook to see that my cousin had her baby. This cousin is 6 years younger than me. She got married after dating her husband for 2 months and a few weeks later announced her “surprise” pregnancy. This family is a mess. Her husband can’t get a job because he does not even have his GED or a driver’s license. She works a minimum wage job supporting them.

Really?

I was talking to my mom on the phone a little later. My mom and I are really close and she usually can always comfort me. Today was not one of those days. She said to me that I just need to accept the fact that it might take me another year or two to get pregnant and that I should not be frustrated about the money being spent. How can I not be?!?!? We have already spent around $750 on this cycle and tomorrow it will most likely be cancelled. I know in the infertility world that is not even that expensive but it is still aggravating as hell. It feels like we are wasting our money.

I think she could tell I was annoyed. I don’t know why I feel so defensive today but I do. I just didn’t need to hear “just accept it” today.

Tomorrow we will know the fate of this cycle and I am determined to walk in there with my head held high and confidence in place. I will not break down when the cycle is cancelled. I have already come to terms with it. I will explore our options with my doctor and come out of there hopeful that next month will go better.

Now I just need to get my zen back.

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5 Comments

Filed under BABIES!, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Depression, Infertility

5 responses to “There goes my zen…

  1. I had that “Just the two of us will be ok” epiphany a couple weeks ago. You’re right, we just need to be able to bottle that feeling so we can bring it out when another one of our unmarried, unemployed teenage cousins tells us they’re knocked up.

    And as wonderful as my mom is she has never struggled with infertility and it really shows.

  2. I am oh so familiar with these feelings. Sometimes follicles can surprise you, though. You are prepared if not. Also, your mom was way out of line, I think. Dismissive comments do not make the soul feel better.I would have hung up promptly with her, but that is how my progesterone brain works 🙂

  3. I had my own “just (our current family) will be ok” moment last week. Those zen moments are a releif, no matter how fleeting. I’ll be praying for you tomorrow morning.

  4. This is exactly what prompted my “On ‘giving up'” post. I’ve been having those zen feelings for so long, and then something triggers the not-so-zen feelings….and I get so down.

    I hate it when people say I need to just accept this or accept that. They’re not in my shoes!

  5. This is a bit late since you already found out your cycle is moving forward (yay!) but I think that’s one of the most frustrating things about infertility, and life. You can genuinely accept your situation one day, and break down in tears the next. Someone can offer some “advise” one day and you’ll laugh it off, and the next you’ll want to poke them in the eye.
    I’m with you on that search for zen.

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