This weekend I was sitting in the car with my husband. We were just sitting at a stop light, laughing and joking together after going out for a late night snack. There was nothing unusual about this scenario. We go out for snacks more than I care to admit and we are ALWAYS laughing. We play together more than most couples I know and we truly enjoy just being together.
We were sitting at the light and all the sudden I had the thought “This isn’t so bad. What if we don’t ever have kids? We have this!” It was a moment of clarity for me. Because in my life I have never even THOUGHT about never having kids. Even through all the stuff we have gone through the past year. And it’s not that I am ready to throw in the towel by any means, I just know that eventually I could accept that as our future if it came down to it.
I made a decision that night that only I could bring myself down. This thoughts of depression are all self-inflicted. I choose how I react to situations and I choose whether or not I let it consume me. I don’t want to be that person.
This weekend was great. I made an effort to focus on the good things in my life. We talked excitedly about our upcoming Thanksgiving trip and then about our Christmas trip. We went out to eat, made a pie, watched a movie. We enjoyed our time together.
Life was good again.
Then today I log on to Facebook to see that my cousin had her baby. This cousin is 6 years younger than me. She got married after dating her husband for 2 months and a few weeks later announced her “surprise” pregnancy. This family is a mess. Her husband can’t get a job because he does not even have his GED or a driver’s license. She works a minimum wage job supporting them.
I was talking to my mom on the phone a little later. My mom and I are really close and she usually can always comfort me. Today was not one of those days. She said to me that I just need to accept the fact that it might take me another year or two to get pregnant and that I should not be frustrated about the money being spent. How can I not be?!?!? We have already spent around $750 on this cycle and tomorrow it will most likely be cancelled. I know in the infertility world that is not even that expensive but it is still aggravating as hell. It feels like we are wasting our money.
I think she could tell I was annoyed. I don’t know why I feel so defensive today but I do. I just didn’t need to hear “just accept it” today.
Tomorrow we will know the fate of this cycle and I am determined to walk in there with my head held high and confidence in place. I will not break down when the cycle is cancelled. I have already come to terms with it. I will explore our options with my doctor and come out of there hopeful that next month will go better.
Now I just need to get my zen back.