The fat lady started to sing, but decided to take a seat instead.

CD 16

Today has been an emotional nightmare. I had my follow-up scan today and was expecting to trigger tonight. My follicles are perfect. I have 4 lovely beauties at 20,18,18 on the right and 18 on the left. My lining sucks. 5.44. My doctor was really concerned about this and said that we needed to draw blood and see where my E2 levels were at. If they were really low then we would just need to cancel the cycle. (UGH!) If they were good then he wanted to see me again on Monday to see if my lining was any better. The problem there is that by Monday my eggs will probably be over mature and too old. He said that pretty much my chances were 50/50.

First off I was mad because they had gotten me all pumped up and excited on Tuesday saying how I would be ready to trigger and do an IUI this weekend. Then I was mad because they wanted me to come in again on Monday. Basically another $200. We have already spent almost double what we were originally quoted on the cycle and they were talking about cancelling it. Just like that. A couple thousand dollars down the drain.

So I got my blood drawn. I paid my bill and made a follow-up appointment. I made it all the way to the parking lot before the first tear dropped. I then proceeded to spend a half an hour in my car sobbing to my mother.

I admit that I am a pretty dramatic person. But I was DEVASTATED. Because J and I had come to a decision the previous night. We are not going to cycle in December. This was our last chance at least for a month or so. This whole process has taken a toll on us and our marriage. We are not in a great spot at the moment. We have our issues that in the long run can definitely be worked out, but infertility and the stress of it all has amplified them. And as much as I want a baby, I want my marriage to work more.

I love my husband more than anything. I CAN NOT imagine my life without him and I never want to. We can get through this. We just need to work on us right now and let the baby thing rest for a bit.

So that is the story of my breakdown. Don’t worry there is a happy suitable ending.

My E2 levels came in right as they were about to close for the night. They called me immediately and reported that my estrogen levels were great, right where they should be for ovulation. Basically that it is a side effect of the clomid that is causing the thin lining. At first, I won’t lie, I was upset. I didn’t want to have to go in on Monday because I was positive the cycle would be cancelled then. I’d rather them just cancel it tonight so that I could attempt to move on.

But they surprised me. My doctor understands my concern and frustration. So he told me the best option we have at the moment is to give it a natural go. Based on my follicles and levels he is certain that I will ovulate (without a trigger) this weekend. So we are gonna do this the old-fashioned way. Lots of sex.

Then they went even further. They told me that if I don’t get pregnant this cycle *knocks on wood* then he wanted to do injectable medication next month. I think they knew that we were concerned about the cost given that this cycle was a lot more expensive then we anticipated, so they said they were going to talk to a medicine rep and try to get our medication for free for the next cycle. Whoa. So maybe we will be cycling in December? We don’t know for sure yet. We just want to try to have a stress-free weekend to give ourselves the best shot possible and go from there.

So in the end it worked out I guess. No IUI but I am actually not too upset about that. We still have a chance and hopefully some free drugs next month. Now we relax, wait, and work on the other issues in our lives. The funny thing is, when we are not cycling we are SO happy. There are times that I think that it isn’t possible for another couple to have more fun together then we do. We laugh and play so much. Hopefully we can figure out how to be like that all the time.



Filed under Clomid, Depression, Infertility, Just my luck, marriage

5 responses to “The fat lady started to sing, but decided to take a seat instead.

  1. nobabiesyet

    I 100% know and understand where you are coming from when dealing with your relationship with your husband. All this trying to concieve business can really do a number on your relationship and my relationship has certainly felt that strain. It really touched my heart when you said “there are times that I think it isn’t possible for another couple to have more fun together then we do” because I feel that way too. Hanging out with my husband was so fun and we laughed and were silly and just loved everything that we did. And then that kind of stopped because I was stressing or super sad because I just got my period, or I would be annoyed that we couldn’t have sex because he had to work late or travel out of state during my fertile time and I really hated who we became. I think we are getting back on track, I myself am working on not getting to such a dark place (medicine is helping me) and bring the fun back. Last weekend we went out for drinks and had non-ovulating, sloppy, drunk sex and it was so much fun. I hope that for you guys too because I know for me my life is so much better with him in it and it sounds like that’s how you two are too.

    • I’m on medicine also. Plus I decided I would go back and talk to my therapist. I haven’t gone in a couple months but I think I need someone to talk to. Hopefully that will help.

      I hope you and your husband can work things out too. This issue is so hard on a marriage.

  2. I’m totally with you on the relationship issue thing. We get along fabulously when not stressing about trying to conceive. It becomes an obsession for me and sometimes I forget about everything else. Yay for free meds, but hopefully you won’t need them! Thinking about you guys.

    • Thank you so much. I hope it works this month, but I am not going to get my hopes up. I just want to concentrate on our relationship and try to deal with everything else as it comes.

  3. I also really hear you on relationship stress. It isn’t easy at all. But, it sounds like you have a really solid base. I also consider my DH to be the person I want to hang out with most in the world. We generally play, laugh, and make each other feel good. But, this is some of the most stressful stuff a couple can go through, other than death/loss. Hang in there!

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