Welcome to Crazy Town!

Population: me.

5 dpo today and I am having an internal battle with myself. “I’m pregnant!”, “NO! Don’t think like that you’ll only be disappointed!”, “Oh man, I’m bloated. This has GOT to be a symptom.”, “You fool. You’ll never get pregnant. Just accept it.”

My husband was concerned that I was going to be upset if this cycle didn’t work, I assured him that I wouldn’t be since I did not expect it to work.

I lied.

I don’t think it will ever be possible for me to not be hopeful during a TWW. Even if things didn’t go the way we expected them to during the cycle. I just really wish this would work because it would save us so much heartache. We have pretty much come to a decision that we will only seek medical intervention every other month. Not that we can really try during the off month because lord knows I won’t ovulate. But it is the only way to keep my husband somewhat sane. He can’t handle all the medical expenses month after month. But then I just feel like we are dragging out the process even longer. I feel so blue about the whole thing.

I also had a minor panic attack last night. Yesterday I was super bloated. I mean I literally felt nauseous I was so bloated. Then I had the brilliant idea to feel my stomach. There was a spot on my right side (where I had the most follies) that was painful when I touched it.

Immediately crazy things jumped into my mind. “Oh no, the follicles didn’t release and now they are huge! They are going to rupture or become some heavy that it twists my ovary and I am going to have to have surgery! Why me?!?!”.

I think I’ve mentioned this before but I am a bit dramatic.

Really I think the problems lies it the fact that I am a bit constipated (sorry for the TMI). It’s been going on for about a week and I am trying to work on it. I still feel bloated today, but not quite as bad. Hopefully I can work this out.

I am trying to decide if I should test before Thanksgiving. We are driving to Arizona to spend the holiday with my Aunt. I can see benefits to both sides. If I DON’T test I won’t be all upset when it inevitably comes up negative. I’ll still have some hope. But on the other hand I might obsess about it the whole weekend. If I DO test I will most likely just end up being depressed and upset all weekend about another failed month. But the obsessing will be over. I might even be able to accept it before we get there. Decisions suck. Almost as much as infertility.

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5 Comments

Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Infertility, TWW

5 responses to “Welcome to Crazy Town!

  1. I think we are the same person. Seriously.

    I’m 9 or so dpo today and I’ve had those same conversations with myself. Not as much this month as others but they are definitely there. Looking for patterns in my temp chart and seeing if my boobs feel sore.
    I also feel like I can’t help but feel hopeful during the TWW. I almost wish I could truly quit caring. A friend suggested maybe I should take December off with my period being due right around Xmas, but even if I did, I know I’d still be hoping.
    I’ve also wondered the same about testing before Turkey Day. Maybe if I test and its negative, I can deal with it by then and be a sane person for the holiday. But if I don’t I can still hold onto hope.

    Sigh.

  2. We are the same person, lol.

    I am right there with you wishing that I could stop caring. I wish that my heart didn’t sink a little every time I see someone else get pregnant and I wish I could stop making up all these insane symptoms in my head.

  3. Towards the end of my cycle most of the time, I get somewhat sore breasts. Regardless of my expectation, once that starts, I’m constantly semi consciously feeling them. Its kinda ridiculous.

  4. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row

    I’m on 6dpo. I feel you. I’m so crazy! Lol

  5. Pingback: Don’t think bad thoughts, they might come true. |

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