I think one of the hardest things about struggling with infertility is dealing with the people around you becoming pregnant. On one hand you know you should be happy for them. It is not their fault that you can’t have a baby. They probably really wanted one too. There should be no bitterness or resentment because they are your friends. Friends should be happy for one another when good things happen.
Then there is the reality. Sometimes no matter how much you try, its hard to be happy for them. It’s hard not to think “why couldn’t that be me?” and not feel the green eye of jealousy rising in your chest. Yes they are your friends, but on a some level you hate them. Not because they are bad people, not at all, but because they have achieved something you so desperately crave. And you begin to wonder if it will ever be you.
Right around the time I started this blog I had a friend tell me she was pregnant. This particular friend tried for 2 years to have her son. When he was 1 and 1/2 they started trying again. She got pregnant within a few months but had a miscarriage. It took her another year to conceive. As you can see, she struggled. She has endometriosis pretty bad and there is a good chance that this will be her last.
I should be happy for her right?
I am. But I am devastated that it is not me. Since she told me, I’ve had a hard time contacting her. We live in different states so most of our communication is through text message or Facebook. I’ve left a few little notes to her on Facebook, but I have avoided texting her. Because I know inevitably it will make me sad. Not that she would EVER rub it in my face or go on and on about her pregnancy. She is one of the few people in my life who knows what is going on with me.
Today she sent me a text. So of course I asked her how she was doing and how far along she was now. She is doing really good and is now 11 weeks. I wanted to cry. Not because I wish it hadn’t worked out, I would be devastated for her if she lost this baby, but because I would give ANYTHING to be 11 weeks pregnant.
She is a good friend. She spent the rest of the conversation asking me about what treatments we are doing now and letting me know that she was praying for me.
Then I just feel guilty as hell and like I am the worst person in the world.
Apparently I am not dealing with this well.