Dealing with it.

I think one of the hardest things about struggling with infertility is dealing with the people around you becoming pregnant. On one hand you know you should be happy for them. It is not their fault that you can’t have a baby. They probably really wanted one too. There should be no bitterness or resentment because they are your friends. Friends should be happy for one another when good things happen.

Then there is the reality. Sometimes no matter how much you try, its hard to be happy for them. It’s hard not to think “why couldn’t that be me?” and not feel the green eye of jealousy rising in your chest. Yes they are your friends, but on a some level you hate them. Not because they are bad people, not at all, but because they have achieved something you so desperately crave. And you begin to wonder if it will ever be you.

Right around the time I started this blog I had a friend tell me she was pregnant. This particular friend tried for 2 years to have her son. When he was 1 and 1/2 they started trying again. She got pregnant within a few months but had a miscarriage. It took her another  year to conceive. As you can see, she struggled. She has endometriosis pretty bad and there is a good chance that this will be her last.

I should be happy for her right?

I am. But I am devastated that it is not me. Since she told me, I’ve had a hard time contacting her. We live in different states so most of our communication is through text message or Facebook. I’ve left a few little notes to her on Facebook, but I have avoided texting her. Because I know inevitably it will make me sad. Not that she would EVER rub it in my face or go on and on about her pregnancy. She is one of the few people in my life who knows what is going on with me.

Today she sent me a text. So of course I asked her how she was doing and how far along she was now. She is doing really good and is now 11 weeks. I wanted to cry. Not because I wish it hadn’t worked out, I would be devastated for her if she lost this baby, but because I would give ANYTHING to be 11 weeks pregnant.

She is a good friend. She spent the rest of the conversation asking me about what treatments we are doing now and letting me know that she was praying for me.

Then I just feel guilty as hell and like I am the worst person in the world.

Apparently I am not dealing with this well.

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8 Comments

Filed under Depression, Infertility, Just my luck

8 responses to “Dealing with it.

  1. You are definitely not alone.

    A good friend of mine, who originally didn’t even want kids, told me she was pregnant back in January. For several months I talked to her less. I was angry. Not at her, but at the situation. I wanted it so badly, and they barely tried at all. It really took me about 6 months to finally come back around. Oddly, being around the baby has actually helped me, when I thought it would do the opposite (however, I can’t claim the same is true from about CD1-CD7 or so….). It just took awhile. I feel badly about it now because I feel like I was not a very good friend then, but it was just too hard for me at the time. I definitely still feel that strange sensation of having two completely opposite feelings at the same time (jealousy and happiness). It is a weird thing.
    I’m rambling. The point is, (even though I do too) try not to feel guilty for your feelings. It doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re human. The situation sucks. Considering everything, I think you’re actually handling it very well.

  2. You are NOT a terrible person. Part of this whole process is hating your friends who get pregnant, a little bit. It is a natural reaction.

    Right after I miscarried one of my best friends told me she was pregnant. She had her son a few weeks after I would have delivered. It was so, so hard to watch her get to go through all of those experiences I was supposed to be having too. Just know you aren’t alone.

  3. nobabiesyet

    Well if you are a terrible person than so am I because I have those exact same thoughts and feelings. So I’m going to say NO neither one of us is a terrible person. You are in a such a terrible spot, we all are. It absolutely sucks to have your life consumed with desire and jealously and to be so out of control with it. You are feeling what any normal person would feel in this position you are jealous over what she has been able to accomplish and you are sad that it’s not your turn. And that sucks. But at the end of the day you don’t want her baby (it’s not a cool handbag) You want your experiences and your life and unfortunately we can’t make it happen just because we want it too. And that pisses me off (and I’m sure you too) But just allow yourself to feel what you honestly feel it doesn’t make you a bad person it just makes you human.

  4. Those pregnancy announcements – no matter how close a friend or what struggles they had – never get easier. You are certainly not alone. We are all human and can’t help but feel pangs of jealousy when we’ve gone through what we have. It doesn’t mean you love her any less.

  5. Hi there, here from ICLW. I can very much relate to how you feel. My husband’s cousin “had” to get married a week ago – because his girlfriend had accidentally gotten pregnant. At 42 or so. And his sister got pregnant a month ago, and I really fear the moment when we hear that she’s pregnant (I don’t even know if they’re trying). And no, we are not terrible persons. We’re in a terrible situation and trying to stay sane and somehow make the best of it. I think it’s natural that we’re envious in situations like this. And we’re not begrudging them their pregnancies, and we definitely do not want anything bad to happen to them. It’s just that we so much wish for what they have, and are trying so hard. That doesn’t make us bad people.

    • Thank you for stopping by!

      I know that most of my emotions are natural human reactions, I just wish I could overcome SOMETHING in this whole situation. 😉 But I digress.

  6. you are not alone and you are not terrible. completely normal reactions. i’m so glad your friend is supportive. 🙂 i always find it a shame when people who have struggled forget all about their struggle once the dream is achieved. you’d be surprised how many friends who have had IF issues in the past are now telling me to “relax” or my personal favorite… “if you adopt you’ll get pregnant right away… the stress will be gone.”

    it’s really one of the last things i expect to hear from former IF people. :\

  7. it’s really so hard…. my bff just found out she was pregnant again. after 2 miscarriages last year. i am truly happy for her, but at the same time sad. sad for me.
    hoping your 2ww is quick and wishing you a take home baby
    xoxo
    iclw

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