That is what I lost today. I am officially on CD 1 and officially not pregnant.
I actually handled it pretty well…at first. I had a suspicion it was coming since yesterday my temp dropped quite a bit. It was still above my cover line but well below where my numbers had been during this TWW. Then this morning it dropped below the cover line and I started bleeding by mid morning. I held it together, got myself taken care of, and went about my day with my husband. We went to a movie (terrible) and then to lunch at a restaurant a friend recommended (bland). We then met up with another friend and headed off to the gym so the boys could play racquet ball.
It was there, in the middle of the Lifetime Fitness Gym that I broke down. Seriously? What is wrong with me? There was not a baby in sight, I hadn’t really been thinking about it, but all of a sudden my eyes welled up with tears and I felt the whole impact of what was going on.
Four eggs. Four. You’d think at least one of those guys could attach, especially since we timed everything perfect this month. Four.
I don’t know where to go from here. On Monday I will have to call my clinic and let them know I am on a new cycle and also try to explain that we won’t be cycling in December. I’m hoping they will still be willing to help us out with some free medication in January but there is no guarantee. I will not be getting pregnant this year.
Today, I just want to be sad. I want to feel bitter, cheated, and heartbroken. I want to be mad at those who can get pregnant when I can’t. I want to resent those who will never have to go through this pain. I want to be sad.
The truly upsetting thing is, I can no longer imagine ever getting pregnant. Sure I want it, hope for it. But I can’t see it. I used to feel like my future was so clear. I could see the life I was going to live. Now it is all gone. I look at my friends holding their babies and can’t imagine that I will get to do that someday with my own child. I can’t see myself with a big round belly or holding a positive pregnancy test. Infertility has robbed me of imaging my future. Now all I can see are needles, and bills, and heartache. Today the future is looking pretty bleak.