One month and four eggs

That is what I lost today. I am officially on CD 1 and officially not pregnant.

I actually handled it pretty well…at first. I had a suspicion it was coming since yesterday my temp dropped quite a bit. It was still above my cover line but well below where my numbers had been during this TWW. Then this morning it dropped below the cover line and I started bleeding by mid morning. I held it together, got myself taken care of, and went about my day with my husband. We went to a movie (terrible) and then to lunch at a restaurant a friend recommended (bland). We then met up with another friend and headed off to the gym so the boys could play racquet ball.

It was there, in the middle of the Lifetime Fitness Gym that I broke down. Seriously? What is wrong with me? There was not a baby in sight, I hadn’t really been thinking about it, but all of a sudden my eyes welled up with tears and I felt the whole impact of what was going on.

Four eggs. Four. You’d think at least one of those guys could attach, especially since we timed everything perfect this month. Four.

I don’t know where to go from here. On Monday I will have to call my clinic and let them know I am on a new cycle and also try to explain that we won’t be cycling in December. I’m hoping they will still be willing to help us out with some free medication in January but there is no guarantee. I will not be getting pregnant this year.

Today, I just want to be sad. I want to feel bitter, cheated, and heartbroken. I want to be mad at those who can get pregnant when I can’t. I want to resent those who will never have to go through this pain. I want to be sad.

The truly upsetting thing is, I can no longer imagine ever getting pregnant. Sure I want it, hope for it. But I can’t see it. I used to feel like my future was so clear. I could see the life I was going to live. Now it is all gone. I look at my friends holding their babies and can’t imagine that I will get to do that someday with my own child. I can’t see myself with a big round belly or holding a positive pregnancy test. Infertility has robbed me of imaging my future. Now all I can see are needles, and bills, and heartache. Today the future is looking pretty bleak.

 

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22 Comments

Filed under Depression, Infertility, Just my luck, TWW

22 responses to “One month and four eggs

  1. You are allowed to take some time to feel sad! Take care of yourself, try to enjoy your month off of cycling… but for now, just feel what you’re feeling. This is a hard journey.

  2. So very sorry to read this. I could not imagine having a baby even two days before my scheduled c/section. I could not imagine taking her home even two days after having her. Don’t worry about these things, they happen or not and our imagination has nothing to do with the outcome. People think we create success or failure with our thoughts, but that is not the case, I really don’t think it is. It was not in my case anyway. Hugs to you.
    ICLW 101

  3. I’m so sorry hun. AF strikes again bringing all her gloom and depression. It sucks breaking down in the gym like that, our emotions just take over sometimes. I hope that the vision of pregnancy and hope will come back to you soon and that you have the strength to keep fighting. We’re here for you as you figure it out. Xoxo

  4. So sorry AF is here 😦

  5. I am so, so sorry about AF. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t have days when it feels like all is lost. I have def been there. There are days when all I can think is that my upcoming IVF will all be a waste, because I can’t EVER get/stay pregnant. But, I have to tell you that the TTC break I am on (until Jan.) has been really good for that purpose. I feel way more relaxed and hopeful than I have in a while. So, I hope the break will recharge your batteries.

  6. I’m so so so so sorry. Such a yucky feeling. Make sure you feel your sadness, so it doesn’t linger into your next fertility cycle…whenever you choose that to be. xoxo

  7. This post so spoke to me. It almost felt as if I were writing it. My goal was to be pregnant in 2011 and each day that goal is becoming less of a reality. I have PCOS so I don’t even ovulate. We have been working with a doctor since February. I finally made my first egg and we did IUI but I found out Monday that we are not expecting. The worst part is that our two best friends are both 8 weeks along. They told us the other day. It is so hard to be happy for them when I hurt so badly inside. Out next step is IVF and I am terrified. I have started following your blog and I will check in on you. Please keep your head up and I will try to do the same. Good Luck 🙂

  8. I’m so very sorry. Nothing about this is fair and I really wish that today was a day of joy instead of a day of pain. I also know what you mean about feeling like this will never happen. After so much disappointment, how could it? But don’t lose hope. Our children are out there, it’s just a matter of how they will come into our lives. Take care of yourself today. xoxo

  9. Ugh. I feel you. Every month I get more frustrated. I am not into the holidays this year one but and I’m sure the ttc had everything to do with it. I’ll break down randomly in the car sometimes.
    Hugs. Hope you feel better. Af freaking blows.

  10. Sarah

    I am so sorry

    There was so many places I broke down, it sucks when it comes in places you were not expecting

    (((hugs)))
    ICLW #68

  11. M

    ((hugs)) I’m sorry.

  12. Krystal

    So sorry to hear. Wishing you brighter days ahead.

    ICLW #46 Krystal

  13. Bleeding with you . . .

    Was that too gross? My filter isn’t working so well these days. Take care!

  14. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row

    Sending you big hugs!

  15. Babe, I’m right there with you. I produce a pile of eggs, yet none of them hang around. You are allowed to be sad. Take your time and enjoy a fertility-treatment free Christmas. *big hugs*

  16. Mo

    thanks for stopping by my blog. You and I, I see, are in the same godawful hopeless place. I hope neither of us has to linger here too long. Thinking of you.

    Mo

  17. Crap, I’m so sorry this one didn’t work. Take all the time you need to be pissed and sad….you’re not alone, I’m in the middle of that myself. Hugs.

  18. I am so sorry AF showed up. Trust me, I have been there many times before. You are entitled to feel down today. It was a big hope you had pinned your thoughts on and it’s always an extremely painful experience when it doesn’t happen. I know I’ve broken down crying in some really crazy places!

    I hope that the next cycle you try on will bring you success. In the meantime, take care of yourself and try to enjoy your holidays. It’s natural to feel hopeless, but I can say with some certainty, it will fluctuate up and down and you will feel positive again. Good luck!

  19. Sorry girlie. I’m here with you. xoxo.

  20. I’m so sorry 😦 I recently had a break down at my gym after reading another facebook pregnancy announcement on CD 1. Ugh. Heart breaking. Keeping you in my thoughts ❤

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