The Dark Place

I think I’ve written a little bit on here about my struggle with depression. When I was around 18 I was diagnosed with anxiety / mild depression. I was put on Zoloft to help control it. For a few years I bounced around on a few different medications including Lexapro which made me gain 20 pounds.

Looking back I don’t really think that I was depressed. I think it was an easy answer for the doctors to help me deal with everything. Without a doubt I do have anxiety issues, which I still struggle with. But I don’t feel like I was any more depressed than the normal person. We all have our down times and so did I.

When we started trying last December I got off my medication. I felt good doing so since I was happier then I had ever been. The anxiety was a concern, but I felt that if I was smart about it and aware of my body, then I could handle it. For 6 months I did great. Then we started getting deeper and deeper into the infertility process. And I felt myself start to shrink away.

By August I was in a darker place then I have ever been in my life. I didn’t want to do anything, see anyone, and sometimes I just wanted it all to be over. To not care anymore. It was then that I realized that I needed serious help. I hated who I had become and what my relationship had become because of my depression. It scared me how much I didn’t care about anything. So I got back on my medication and started seeing a therapist.

I write all this because I think it is important to recognize your weaknesses. Also because to me, this blog has seriously helped my depression. I am the type of person that puts on a mask for people. If you knew me in real life, you might wonder who this sad, whiney girl is who uses my name on the internet. I act cheerful and happy and like I don’t have  a care in the world. When people who do know about our infertility issues ask me how I am doing I throw on my mask, smile, and tell them its hard but I’m doing good.

I even do this with my therapist. In fact my mask worked so well that in October she said she felt that I was doing so good that she didn’t think it was necessary for me to come every week. That I seemed happy. So I started this blog. This is the first place I have ever felt like I can truly say what I think and feel. Usually I worry about how people would perceive me if they heard these dark thoughts. My mom would worry, J would worry, and I would feel like they were watching my every move. But here I know I can say all my deepest fears and feelings without the fear of repercussion.

That being said, I have my first appointment with my therapist in 2 months tonight. I know that I need more help then I was willing to admit back in October. I would also like to get myself in a place that when I do get pregnant, coming off the medication won’t be a big deal. So my new goal for December is to shred that mask and let the real me out into the world. It scares me a bit, to tell a stranger all these thoughts that I am ashamed of. Worried that she will judge me for being bitter and cynical. But I need to figure out how to deal with this. I need to do it for myself, my marriage, and even for my fertility. I need to feel positive and bright about our future again.

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9 Comments

Filed under Depression, Infertility, Living Life, marriage

9 responses to “The Dark Place

  1. I’m not sure what to say here without sounding trite or dismissive, so I’ll say thank you for sharing. Thank you for loving yourself enough to want to deal with it.

    Not to make light of this, but right now all that’s in my head is that scene from Pretty Woman when Julia Roberts tells Laura San Giacomo, “Take care of you” and she says it back. Take care of you, Trisha. And keep blogging!

  2. I have a history of anxiety/depression and Prozac, and I hear where you’re coming from. As for being afraid to tell your therapist your darkest thoughts–I attended an infertility support group earlier this year and had the realization that there’s nothing I’ve thought that everyone in the room hadn’t thought/experienced. Not that you aren’t unique–just that I found that my darkest thoughts were shared by many. Good luck tonight.

  3. I feel like I’ve been where you are…I know what that dark place feels like and how frustrating it is to feel like you can’t speak your mind. I blog for the same reason. I think the only person that knows my heart inside and out like that is my husband.

    I hope you have a productive session when you see her again. I don’t think she’d judge you at all, but as a counselor myself, if you do feel like she’s judging you, RUN away because she isn’t a good one. But if you’re brave enough to take off your mask, I think it will go very well. Sending positive thoughts your way!

  4. I also have dealt with depression and anxiety my entire life, beginning in my teens. I continue to go to talk therapy and take meds. Without the meds, I get horrific panic attacks and deep, depp bouts of depression. It runs in my family and will ALWAYS be (other than PCOS/infert) my most major health concern. That being said, I feel better than I have in years due to blogging AND the right magic combo of 2 meds (mood stabilizers, NOT SSRIs). After consulting with several docs, I will actually stay on them while pg. For more info, email me. 🙂 Anyway, I hope therapy and being more comfortable with being yourself IRL will get you speedy relief. It is so, so hard and unless people have been there, they don’t get it.

    AND – I love the new blog design.

  5. I feel like I’m reading about myself. I have such a hard time opening up even to therapists. I’m glad blogging is helping you.

  6. Thanks for taking off your mask and sharing yourself with us. Hope your session went well tonight and I look forward to reading about it!

  7. As someone who’s struggled with anxiety/depression most of my life, throwing infertility/loss into the equation was like throwing gasoline on a fire. What a mess.

    After years of being on the ups/downs of this journey, I will say the only regret I have is how much I hesitated at times to go back on Zoloft, or to seek out the therapy I needed, etc. Instead, I’ve always tended to wait until things got really BAD and that made it way harder (on me and my family).

    Having a regular therapist you really like is so important! I try to see mine at least once a month, even if I think I am doing great. Also, if you can get to a Resolve support group of some kind, that’s enormous. I had a hard time finding one in my city, but eventually participated in 2 and still have a few friends from those groups. The coolest part is that EVERY woman I met in those groups is now a mom — albeit through all kinds of paths.

    Hang in there!

  8. Thank you for this post. I relate so much to this. When I lived through a period of mild-moderate depression a few years ago, no one besides my husband knew anything was different. We can be so skilled at putting on that public mask. I also waited too long, and slept and cried through too many months before my husband asked if I would see a therapist. I did, and was reluctant to be open and honest at first, but she was wonderfully patient and persistent. A few months into therapy I realized that I might be able to work through the depression on my own, but it could be easier and faster with antidepressants. I’m really thankful that I found a therapist that was such a good fit. I’m thankful that she taught me that you can’t just tell yourself to snap out of it. I’m thankful that she recommended a book called “Noonday Demon” by Andrew Solomon. We all have a threshold for stress that when it is crossed, we can become depressed. Fertility issues can be pretty stressful, I think anyway. I hope you’re doing well and wish you lots of luck in 2012.

  9. Pingback: Things unsaid |

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