Monthly Archives: December 2011

Anonymity

Recently the link to my blog was posted somewhere that some of the people in my real life might be able to find it. I appreciate the gesture, because it was done with good intent, it freaked me out a bit. I’m not ready for the people in my life to read this blog. Most of them do not know what we are going through, and for the moment I would like to keep it that way. So I am removing pictures and names from my posts for the time being. I might even password protect some posts. If you would like the password shoot me a e-mail at theelusivesecondline@gmail.com

If you have found this blog and you know me in real life, please don’t read any further. These posts are very private to me and I am not comfortable with having people I know read them. Please respect my privacy.

Thank you so much and I love you all! Real people and internet people alike!

I have much to update on however I’m going to give this a few days to settle (I’ve asked them to remove the link) and then fill you in on the craziness!

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Filed under On the Road

Some fresh perspective

I know I haven’t been a good blogger this week (or a reader for that matter). Being home for the holidays has been taking up my time and I am trying to soak up as much of it as I can. I’ve had a few downs this week, mostly due to the fact that I thought I’d have a baby by this time this year and also because I found out that one of my close cousins is 8 weeks pregnant, tried for only a few months, and she was afraid to tell me. Too bad her HUGE boobs gave her away. Also I saw another cousin who brought her 7 week old baby and I couldn’t even talk to her. (Not that we were close anyways, we haven’t spoken in years) The situation is just so frustrating because she is such a mess yet she has a baby and I don’t.

But this morning I got a fresh perspective that really puts my woes in place.

On Christmas Eve a friend and her young family were driving home from a relatives place. It was her, her husband and their two sons who are 3 and 1 year. On their way home a SUV jumped over the median and slammed into them head on. The car burst into flames. Her, her husband, and youngest son were all air lifted to the hospital in serious condition. Her 3-year-old was also admitted but in stable condition. Yesterday evening on Christmas Day her baby boy died from his injuries. She and her husband are both still in serious condition and have been in and out of surgery since. Today is also her birthday.

This news came at such a shock to me and I burst into tears as soon as I read her sweet little guy was gone. Her Christmas season will NEVER be the same. It will always be the day her son died. Between her and her husband they probably have 6 months to a year of rehabilitation.

And guys, she is one of us.

She tried for years and years to conceive and even suffered miscarriages due to PCOS. She did IVF twice to get her oldest. Her little one was conceived naturally after trying a bunch of different supplements. He was truly a miracle.

I just can’t even fathom what she is going through right now. My heart is breaking for her. So next time I think I have it rough I am going to remember this family and the nightmare that they are going through right now. Please, keep them in your thoughts and prayers. I know there is not much right now I could do or say to help them, but I can ask for prayers. She is a good person and a wonderful mother. She loves those little boys more than anything.

If anyone is interested there is a website set up to help out her little family. No pressure, I know it’s different when you do not know the people. But if anyone is interested please check out this website:

http://www.kellypack.com

13 Comments

Filed under It's not always about me, Living Life

Such a hot mess

What is you ask? Well everything. Especially this post. Really there is no excuse for the disorganization but what can you do? So I have a variety of subjects to post about today. Aren’t you excited? Getting chills yet?

Topic 1: Work

I am not a morning person. AT ALL. I’m the type of person that needs a good 1/2 hour after waking up to stop being grumpy. I love to sleep and I am not pleasant if I do not get enough of it. So OF COURSE I was scheduled to be at work at 6:45am this whole week. Part of the greatest part of my job is the schedule. Monday – Friday, 10:30-7:oo. Perfect. But this week the kids are out of school so we needed to be open early so parents have a place to take them if they have to work. I don’t know how I got volunteered for the lovely task of opening, but I did.

So everyday this week I have dutifully gotten my pathetic arse out of bed at 5:30am. I have also resisted the urge to chuck my phone across the room when the alarm went off, but mostly because I remember how pretty my white iPhone is and I’d miss it.

I am SOOOOOO tired. Monday and Tuesday were okay, Wednesday a little harder, but today was torture. I just wanted to stay in my nice warm bed. My eyes were crying out “Nooooo light! We want darkkkknesss!”. And even as I type this I am trying not to fall asleep and drool all over myself.

Topic 2: Doctor Check-up

I had another doctor check up on Tuesday. It was 1 1/2 WPR (weeks past rupture). That’s right, I’m making up my own acronyms now. Jealous? Anyways the doctor was running late which I just LOVED because what infertile doesn’t want to sit in a waiting room of pregnant woman and newborns. I think it’s a BLAST!

I finally got called in and got all settled with my lovely pink paper towel covering my lady bits. While I waited I twiddle my thumbs and I noticed this:

I don’t know who they think they are kidding but calling them “Probe Covers” does not change the fact that these are condoms for the Vag Cam.

The results…were not what I wanted. I am feeling 1000x better so I figured the cysts had shrunken down a ton. Well my doctor explained that the reason that I am feeling so much is because all the fluid from the ruptured cyst has been re-absorbed and is gone. So my abdomen is back to normal. However the cysts are still huge. They are 5cm, 4.5cm, and 4cm. My doctor said in all reality it will be 2-3 months before we can begin fertility treatments again.

Merry Christmas to ME! You get NO BABY!

I guess in retrospect I handled the news pretty well. No tears this time. J just said that I have no more tears left to cry which very well may be true. Instead I went and got myself dinner and blasted Britney Spears in my car. Hey, don’t judge me! It’s very hard to be sad when listening to Britney!

Shame on me

*whistles

To need release

*whistles*

Uncontrollably

*whistles*

I-I-I wanna go-o-o all the way-ay-ay

Taking out my freak tonight

I-I-I wanna show-ow-ow

All the dirt-irt-irt I got running through my mind

Whooooaaa

Okay, now you can judge me.

Next scan is scheduled for the end of February so until then you all get to listen to me complain about the cyst that ruined my life. Maybe I’ll name him George…

Topic 3: We can’t catch a break.

We are preparing to head out tonight to go visit my family for the holidays. Things were all planned and going well. As an added bonus I can actually move my torso! Rock on! But of course things could not go as planned, J came home last night from work with a sever sore throat. He is having a really hard time swallowing and is in so much pain that he can’t turn his head.

I called my Aunt (who is an ER nurse and who we also happen to be driving to see tonight) and she gave us some tips. ibuprofen, hot Tang, Dayquil, and 1 tablespoon of Apple Cider Vinegar taken like a shot to kill anything viral. J LOVES that part. Burns on the way down and feels sooo right.

He stayed home from work today and I am just hoping that he feels well enough to make the drive. Because I do not do well driving long stretches when I am sleepy and I am sooooooo tired! (see Topic 1). I really don’t feel like DYING tonight, so hopefully he can lead us safely onward.

Praying it’s not strep, please don’t be strep! Plus it’s just so sad to see him sick. Poor boo.

Topic 4: ICLW!

ICLW started again yesterday so welcome to all those who are visiting! If you would like a rundown of what we have done please click on “Infertility History” at the top of the page. If you want a quick version here you go:

TTC #1 for 1 year with PCOS. Anovulatory. 4 failed rounds of Clomid, the last one resulting in a HUUUUUGE ruptured cyst (George) that has now put us on a forced break for 2-3 months. Depression, angst, and craziness has been a daily part of my life. And it’s FUN!

Welcome and happy ICLW!

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Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Just my luck, Living Life, pictures

Hidden Truths

I know many of you that have blogs have mentioned that your husband does not know about your blog, or maybe that he does but he does not know the web address, or maybe he does know about it and reads it. Everyone seems to be on a different comfort level with that. My husband knows about this blog and has even read it a few times. When he first asked to read it I told him no and the smart ass went and googled my e-mail address and found the blog anyways.

I let him read it eventually although I was so nervous because I had posted about us fighting. I’ve never written anything horrible about him on here but still, I felt like I had somehow betrayed his trust by posting it. Well he is a good sport and it didn’t bother him. He has asked to read the blog a few times after that, I usually say no, but end up giving in. Recently I asked him to not read it because I felt like this was my private outlet.

Today I told him a bit about my last post. I told him that I was making fun of the Holiday Newsletters that people sent out and that I had written one for us. He asked what it said and I told him it was just about how crappy our year had been. He immediately said “It wasn’t all bad was it?” I assured him no, it wasn’t, that I was just joking around. He was quite for a minute and then asked me “Are you really not happy here at all?”

It broke my heart.

He said that every time I post something on here it is about how horrible my life is going. And I won’t deny that. I use this blog as a venting post. It releases all my pent-up negative thoughts and gives me an outlet to spew my negativity in a way that I didn’t believe was hurting anyone.

But I was apparently wrong.

I don’t know if he has been reading since I asked him not too, my gut tells me he hasn’t. Because that is the kind of person he is. So tonight I asked myself why I didn’t want him to read the blog. And the answer was not hard to reach.

I’m ashamed.

I’m ashamed of all these horrible thoughts that I put on here. More so than that, I am scared that if he reads all of them that he will finally realize that it is too much to deal with. That the baggage I have is too great for him to carry. For 4 years he has put up with my health issues, my neediness, my depression, my incredibly low self-esteem, and the way I cling to my family like I am a puppy not ready to be weened. And this year has brought out the worst in me. I truly don’t know how he puts up with it, and I am so afraid that one day he is going to wake up and realize he deserves more and it will send him running for the door.

So here is the truth.

My husband means the world to me. And being without him scares me far more than the thought of never having a baby. I know somehow, someway, we will have a family. But the most important part of that family is US. Me and him. And I can’t imagine my life, much less a child’s life, without him in it.

He gives me so much and I give him so little in return. I wish I could say otherwise. I wish I could be the woman he deserves or needs. I wish I wasn’t such a broken mess that he is constantly having to clean up. I wish I could not care about the baby thing so much. It would be so much easier if I could forget it.

But one thing I could NEVER get over, is losing him.

I want him to know that HE was the best part of my year. Hands down. And I have never for a moment regretted any decisions we have made together. Some things that he made great about this year:

-Going on a 22 hour drive to Seattle. One of the first real vacations we have taken since our honeymoon. It was so incredible to spend that time together and just enjoy being us.

-Any time he laughs. I swear it is one of the best sounds in the world. Especially when I am the one making him laugh. It lights up my day.

-Finding a place that we can truly call “home”. We have moved more times in our 4 years of marriage then some do in a lifetime. But we found a place where we are both happy and we took the chance to make it our home. I feel so safe here and like this is where I am supposed to be.

-Taking care of me after my ER visit. While the experience in general was horrible, he was so amazing, I could never put into words how much he took care of me in the hospital and the days afterwards. He was there for me if anything came up. He held my hair back while I threw up and then went to wash out the bucket like it was no big deal. He woke up with me in the night to make sure I didn’t need anything or to see if I needed more medication. He was my hero. I would have been so lost without him.

-Goofing off. I told my therapist this the other day but I sometimes truly believe we are the most ridiculous people in the world. We do the STUPIDEST things. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. The games we play and the fun we have is something so unique. I couldn’t ask for a better friend then him.

So I am laying it all out. This is me. This sniveling, depressed, obsessed woman. And it is someone who I hate to look at in the mirror. But it is me. For now at least. I hope in time I can regain some sense of self and be the person he sees in me.

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Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Depression, Living Life, marriage

Holiday Newsletter

Don’t you just love this time of year? Especially the newsletters that always show up in the mail from distant relatives or friends. As infertiles we are often left out of the particular holiday tradition because we have no cute little stories like “Davy lost 4 teeth this year and won his class spelling bee!” or “After a some resistance from our strong-willed girl, little Suzy is officially potty trained!” Awww…

Well no more! I will not be pushed out of another “family” activity due to my lack of baby. So without further ado…our Christmas Newsletter.

Dear Friends and Family-

Another year has passed! Where does the time go? This year was our first whole year in California and boy was it an adventure! The year started off with a bang when we took a journey with Trisha’s family to Baja Mexico on a cruise! What a way to ring in the new year! Little did we know where our lives would take us in the next 12 months.

There were suspicions and in April it was finally confirmed, Trisha is infertile! Her ovaries are lovely little things covered in cysts that refuse to ovulate. *insert ultrasound of ovaries here* But we are not discouraged! After all the doctor said it would be no problem getting us pregnant, and hey? Why not believe everything the doctor says?

In May J experienced some heart issues that sent him running to a Cardiologist. After many expensive tests the diagnosis was…wait for it…STRESS! Yup, friends that is right, J is stressed out from work and the treatment plan was simply exercise and yoga. But the real stress was yet to come.

We had two family weddings to go to this year, J’s little sister and T’s little brother. Oh how fast our family is growing, just not in the way that we had planned. But still, congratulations to them!

After 3 failed rounds of Clomid with the doctor she officially washed her hands with us and sent us to an infertility specialist. Before going to that however, Trisha got to do an oh so fun HSG test that made her feel like her stomach was going to explode. We met with our new doctor and decided to give Clomid another shot. All seemed to go well and we thought we might just have a chance. Too bad the universe had other plans for us. Not only did we not get pregnant, but Trisha ended up in the hospital with a ruptured cyst the size of a newborn’s head! Not really what we had in mind! Oh how life can be. 

Toady is loving his life in California. He has an apartment all to himself where he can (and does) lick everything in sight. His favorite past times are going to the dog park where he is quite the little bully, peeing on every bush he comes in contact with, and being stinky. He excels at being stinky. We feel so lucky to have this special little dog in our lives.

What a ride this year has been! We are now looking forward to a bright new year where nothing is certain anymore. But we can’t wait to see where life takes us on this crazy adventure!

All our love-

Trisha, J, and Toady

There you have it folks! Do you think I should send it out? Maybe with an attached picture of us flipping the camera off?

Happy Holidays!

*In case anyone takes this the wrong way, I just want to say I am an extremely sarcastic person and this is all written in jest. No offense meant.

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Filed under Celebration, Letters, Living Life

I just can’t help myself

I have a pregnant co-worker that I think I have mentioned before (who doesn’t? I know). My bitterness has been very limited to this particular pregnancy mostly because they are not her babies. She is carrying twin boys as a surrogate for a family who can not conceive. Awesome right? So I really haven’t had a hard time with it. She is doing a very selfless thing for one of my fellow infertiles. Last week I even got up the courage to ask her about it and tell her a little bit about my own situation. She was so understanding and sympathetic (for a fertile) and it was great to hear this couples story. It also doesn’t bother me much because I don’t see her that often. She works at a different location so I see her once a month at the most.

Last night was one of our two Christmas parties (yes we have two, one board members party, and one regular staff party). She was there so I of course introduced J to her. We sat near her at dinner and all night long I got to hear about the new developments in her pregnancy. You would think since she knows about my situation she’d keep the pregnancy talk to a minimum right? But it was ME. Like some kind of uncontrollable demon inside me, I kept asking questions. “Are they moving?”, “Do the parents have names picked out?”, “Do you have a birth plan?”. I swear I am possessed.

Then of course I was sad all night because I thought WE’D be going through those experiences right now. Of course then another uncontrollable demon steps in and I get home and log on to Facebook. Facebook is EVIL. Seriously. Most of my friends are cool when they announce their pregnancies. It is usually a simple announcement, maybe a few months later announce the sex, and then pictures when the baby is born. Nothing too overwhelming. But I have a friend who recently announced her pregnancy and now every. single. status. is about her baby. Ultrasound pictures, belly pictures, talking about how he is moving, how she hopes he looks like his daddy. Kill me now. It has to be mentioned that she never updated her Facebook before this. Seriously, like once every 6 months. But once again I bring it on myself, because I know everyday what I am in for when I log on. But do I stop myself? No. Possessed.

As much as I’ve talked recently about the possibility of adopting I truly don’t know if I am ready to give up the fight to become pregnant. I want it so bad. Yes I want a baby, but I also really really want to be pregnant. Gah, I feel bi-polar or something. One minute I am more than willing to give up the fight, the next I have this raging desire to go on with the drugs. My mind is truly a mess. It wouldn’t be so bad if I could just make the demon go away! Tonight is the other work party so my goal is to fight the demon and not ask a single pregnancy related question. Must. Stay. Strong.

9 Comments

Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Infertility, PCOS

From ART to Adoption

You might think that taking a break means taking a break from everything. The drugs, the symptom spotting, the obsessing, and the future plans. Most of that is true…but I can’t stop myself from thinking about the future and where we want to go. My mind will never be able to stop doing that.

The thing is, I am not sure where I want to go anymore. I used to see our path so clearly and it always ended up with me with a huge swollen belly. But now I don’t know. I’ve mentioned this before, but I have always wanted to adopt. I want to take a child that needs a home and raise it with my husband. I want my kids to know that there is no such thing as a “normal” family, that sometimes our lives lead places we didn’t necessarily expect. I want my kids to see no racial boundaries.

The more and more I think about it, the more I am starting to lean towards adopting. If we did decide to adopt it does not mean that in the future we would not be able to have our own children. In fact it might help. My grandma and grandpa tried for years to get pregnant and even suffered ruptured cysts like me. She finally decided she had enough and adopted 2 babies. She got pregnant with my mom a year later without trying.

Not that I am expecting adoption to miraculously help me conceive, because I am far too cynical for that. But you never what could happen when not preventing and also not stressing.

I’ve been pursuing adoption blogs as of recently and I love hearing the stories. Those are their babies, it makes no difference that there is not a genetic link. These children, they complete a void in these couples lives that they have longed for.

I want that. I want us to become a family, regardless of the means.

This Christmas break should be really good. Not only do I mentally need the recharge of being with my family, but we will be meeting with another fertility doctor and an adoption agent. That way we really know which path we want to take. As of right now J is leaning more towards IVF or adoption, which is really weird. He was always the one pushing for the least amount of medical intervention and cost. I think my brief stint in the ER really freaked him out.

I worry a little about the adoption thing with his family though. In my family it is so normal, but I know that is a rare case. Not that I think his family would love an adopted child any less, but the fact of the matter is, if we choose to adopt we will most likely be adopting an ethnic baby. My in-laws are not racist in the least, but they also have never had this sort of thing in their family. My mother in law’s whole life has been about being a mother. She had 8 kids without any pain medication and her whole world revolves around them. I have a fear that she will somehow look down on our decision because she cherished the whole pregnancy, birth, and child thing so much.

But really I can’t worry about that. Overall J and I have to make the decision that is best for OUR family. But I think I am slowly starting to accept that our family may come to us in way that we did not expect. And if it does, I am sure it will be amazing.

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Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Living Life