How “How I Met Your Mother” made me cry.

I’ll fully admit I am not in the best emotional state at the moment. I’ve been trapped in my house for 4 days now, trying to recover from the ruptured cyst, hurting and tired. So I have been indulging myself in my favorite T.V. shows and movies to try to past the time. Enter “How I Met Your Mother”. I’ve loved this show for years, it makes me laugh. I also may have a huge crush on Neil Patrick Harris, I know he is gay, but a girl can dream.

***Spoiler Alert***

In the latest episode one of the main characters, Robyn, finds out she can not have a baby. The episode starts in the future where she is telling her kids about how she met their father and told him she was pregnant. As the episode continues you find out that she was not pregnant, which she was happy about because she had never wanted children, and that in fact she can’t ever have kids. The episode is about her dealing with the reality of what she has found out even though it was never what she wanted. I went through the whole episode thinking “But it all works out! She has kids somehow, she is telling them her story!” And then they revel that the children are not real and that in the future Robyn never has children. The episode ends with her crying into one of her friends arms.

I am crying again just thinking about it. Talk about hitting me where it hurts! This week has been really difficult for me because for the first time, I wasn’t sure where I wanted to go with our journey.

I’m scared. I am so scared of having this happen to me again. I have never been in so much pain and discomfort in my life. I spoke to my OB/GYN yesterday and she said that it may be another week until I start feeling better. I don’t know if I can ever go through this again and it has really made me question how far I am willing to go in our efforts to have a baby. I know, I know, I am not in the proper frame of mind to make this kind of decision. I need to recover before I start changing the plan.

As I mentioned in my “Tell Me About Yourself” post, I am very pro-adoption. I’ve always wanted to adopt a baby regardless of our ability to conceive or not. My mom has a friend who works for an adoption agency and she casually asked how the whole thing would work for us. The lady said that at our age and situation we would most likely get picked really quickly. If we were willing to take a full african-american baby (which we are, race makes no difference to us) we could get a baby as quickly as 2 months after filling out the necessary paperwork.

So I’ve been torn. We are spending a whole lot of money either way, but adoption may be the safer option. It may also be healthier to me.

But then I watch that stupid show. I want to have kids. I want to carry a child, go through labor, give birth, and see the genetic mix of J and I. I know if it came down to adoption being our only option I would not begrudge it. I think adoption is one of the most amazing things in the world and even if I do have my own child, I plan on adopting at some point. I just don’t know if I can go down without a fight though, the fight to have the experiences that I crave. But like I said, I’m scared.

So basically this post has no point. It is just a rambling of the confusion going on in my head. I really hope at some point my posts become more amusing, I never planned on this being such a downer blog.

Damn you “How I Met Your Mother”!

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7 Comments

Filed under adoption, Depression, Infertility, Living Life

7 responses to “How “How I Met Your Mother” made me cry.

  1. I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. I think you’re going through something that is terribly painful, both physically and emotionally, and what you’re experiencing in the wake of it all is a loss. Not one of us on this path every dreamed that they would be living with infertility. Even people who never had any intention of having children are greatly affected by this loss of what could have been.

    Give yourself some time to heal. No decisions need to be made tonight. In the meantime, I’m sending so many good thoughts your way. Speedy recovery too,

  2. I love How I Met Your Mother. Monday’s episode really upset me too. I hated how they played it like it all worked out in the end and then were like just kidding, we actually made it all up. I can’t imagine what a strain this all must be on your body. I don’t really have eggs. It sucks on one hand, but on another hand in never endured stims and such. We just skipped over the usual fertility treatments and went straight to a FET with adopted embryos. Praying you heal quickly.

  3. I was about to write the same post. I watched it on DVR last night and started to cry. I have actually had a love/hate with that show since Lily’s miscarriage and getting pregnant again. It is just pushing all the wrong buttons with me.

    Don’t make any decisions now. If the time is right for adoption, you’ll have no doubts.
    Hang in there!

  4. Jen

    I know exactly how you feel. I never had a cyst burst, but I had a bad case of OHSS which ended up canceling our cycle. I was in an extreme amount of pain and discomfort that the same thoughts you are currently having went through my head; is it worth the struggle?, How many times can I cause myself disappointment and heartache?, How long can I mentally and physically handle this? Am I going to have a repeat of OHSS?, Is it worth putting my health and life at risk?, is any of this worth it when I could adopt a baby that needs a loving family and could fulfill my craving to start my family?

    But then again, I felt the same way you feel. I wanted to carry and deliver a baby, I wanted to experience the ups and downs of pregnancy, I wanted to feel all the little movements, and I wanted to create a child with my husband. After every cycle I would tell my husband, “This is the last attempt, and then we are moving on.” I ended up never sticking to my words. About 3 or 4 months after every failed attempt, I found myself wanting to try one more time.

  5. I have this same thought. I am very pro-adoption, but I have always been the person that can’t wait to be pregnant and go through that whole experience. I have many friends that would be pleased as punch to skip the pregnancy, birth, recovery process and just have a baby because it’s so much easier. Not me! Bring on the extra pounds, hormones, and labor pains! Maybe I’m just not there yet…
    Hope your recovery is smooth.
    Emily

  6. nothingifnotoptimistic

    I went through the same exact thing when I watched that episode. I’m so glad I watched it by myself on DVR, because I sobbed and blubbered through the end of it. I felt so betrayed in a way when it was revealed that her kids didn’t exist!
    I think we both had pretty sane reactions to the episode. I mean, if we didn’t react to it at all, then there would be some concerns. You can’t spend every day wondering if it will happen or not and then watch someone else (fictional or not) face the thing you fear most and not have a reaction. But Her Royal Fabulousness is right… it’s not time to make decisions. I am very early on in having to make decisions about my fertility, we’re on our first round of meds after over a year if trying naturally, but I have discussed with the hubs every possible route to prepare him (and myself). Everyone keeps telling me this as well, keep the lines of communication open and be there for each other. Just have faith and trust in yourself. You’ll know what decisions are right for you as soon as you’re ready for them.
    (By the way…. I absolutely drool over Neil Patrick Harris!!!)

  7. Pingback: Infertility and the Television |

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