I’ll fully admit I am not in the best emotional state at the moment. I’ve been trapped in my house for 4 days now, trying to recover from the ruptured cyst, hurting and tired. So I have been indulging myself in my favorite T.V. shows and movies to try to past the time. Enter “How I Met Your Mother”. I’ve loved this show for years, it makes me laugh. I also may have a huge crush on Neil Patrick Harris, I know he is gay, but a girl can dream.
In the latest episode one of the main characters, Robyn, finds out she can not have a baby. The episode starts in the future where she is telling her kids about how she met their father and told him she was pregnant. As the episode continues you find out that she was not pregnant, which she was happy about because she had never wanted children, and that in fact she can’t ever have kids. The episode is about her dealing with the reality of what she has found out even though it was never what she wanted. I went through the whole episode thinking “But it all works out! She has kids somehow, she is telling them her story!” And then they revel that the children are not real and that in the future Robyn never has children. The episode ends with her crying into one of her friends arms.
I am crying again just thinking about it. Talk about hitting me where it hurts! This week has been really difficult for me because for the first time, I wasn’t sure where I wanted to go with our journey.
I’m scared. I am so scared of having this happen to me again. I have never been in so much pain and discomfort in my life. I spoke to my OB/GYN yesterday and she said that it may be another week until I start feeling better. I don’t know if I can ever go through this again and it has really made me question how far I am willing to go in our efforts to have a baby. I know, I know, I am not in the proper frame of mind to make this kind of decision. I need to recover before I start changing the plan.
As I mentioned in my “Tell Me About Yourself” post, I am very pro-adoption. I’ve always wanted to adopt a baby regardless of our ability to conceive or not. My mom has a friend who works for an adoption agency and she casually asked how the whole thing would work for us. The lady said that at our age and situation we would most likely get picked really quickly. If we were willing to take a full african-american baby (which we are, race makes no difference to us) we could get a baby as quickly as 2 months after filling out the necessary paperwork.
So I’ve been torn. We are spending a whole lot of money either way, but adoption may be the safer option. It may also be healthier to me.
But then I watch that stupid show. I want to have kids. I want to carry a child, go through labor, give birth, and see the genetic mix of J and I. I know if it came down to adoption being our only option I would not begrudge it. I think adoption is one of the most amazing things in the world and even if I do have my own child, I plan on adopting at some point. I just don’t know if I can go down without a fight though, the fight to have the experiences that I crave. But like I said, I’m scared.
So basically this post has no point. It is just a rambling of the confusion going on in my head. I really hope at some point my posts become more amusing, I never planned on this being such a downer blog.
Damn you “How I Met Your Mother”!