Mentally or Physically

“How are you doing?”

I’ve been asked that question so much over the past week that the words have become to mean something completely different for me. I am truly grateful for the people in my life who care enough to ask about my well-being, but the truth of it is, there are two different answers. How I am doing mentally and how I am doing physically.

Today was my one week check up since the rupture. I was dreading going into my OB/GYN’s office since it is always stuffed full of babies and glowing mommy-to-be’s. Luckily they got me in really quickly, I was actually in the lobby for less than 3 min. Then it was once again time for Mr. Dildo Cam. Those of us who have gone through fertility treatments get pretty well versed in what to expect during these ultrasounds. I usually know exactly what I am looking at. I see my two ovaries, speckled with cysts, sometimes a follicle or two if I’ve been taking medication, my uterus and uterine lining. These have become familiar sights.

She inserted the camera and the first thing that I see on the screen is a huge cyst that takes up pretty much the whole screen. I literally gasped. This thing has caused so much trouble in my life the past week and it is still huge, which I hadn’t expected. When I was in the ER last week it was 12 cm. Today it was down to 6 cm but still. And then it got worse, there are 2 more cysts. Cysts that have not ruptured and are filled with blood. 5 cm cysts. I nearly broke down right there. It was SO scary to see those and know what kind of pain they could cause if they were to rupture.

My doctor says they are not large enough that she is worried about them rupturing, she thinks that all these cysts are in fact shrinking, and that as long as I do not over exert myself (and part of that means no sex for at least 2 more weeks) that I should heal just fine. In time. I think I knew it as soon as I saw them, but I waited for her to say it. By her estimations it will take 2-3 months for these cysts to go away. 2-3 before we can even THINK about trying to get pregnant.

I will go back in 2 weeks for another scan to make sure they are shrinking and from there it is mostly a waiting game. But we will not be cycling in January with injectables. I know I said that I wasn’t sure I wanted to, but that was the pain talking. I’ve been really good the past 2 days and even went back to work. I was still scared, but ready to tackle this thing again at the beginning of the year and now that option has been taken away from me. I am now almost positive that I will still not have a baby in my arms this time next year.

I waded my way through the sea of pregnant women and babies to schedule my next appointment. I made it all the way to the car before the tears came. I cried the whole way to work. I came home and burst into tears as soon as I saw my husband. I’m so tired of crying. I feel so betrayed by my body. This is what it is supposed to do, what it was made for. Why is mine resisting so hard?

So the answer to the question. How am I physically? Apparently I’m actually pretty good. My doctor says things are healing wonderfully, that it just takes time for these things to go away. I am able to go back to work and do almost everything I did pre-hospital  visit. How am I mentally? I don’t know if I’ve ever been worse. I’m sad, and hurt, and tired. For the first time in my life I am dreading seeing some of my family at Christmas. We started getting the “when are you having kids?” questions last year and I’m afraid this year will just be worse. I feeling like I am dreading water and that my arms are starting to give out. I just don’t know how much more heartache I can stand.

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5 Comments

Filed under Depression, Infertility, PCOS

5 responses to “Mentally or Physically

  1. Trisha – You have been through so much already and this must feel like another blow. I have has similar cysts and being benched is the worst, most helpless feeling. My only advice is to try and do as many things for yourself while you have no choice but to take it easy. I recently wrote about this all being a marathon instead of a sprint. Hard to wrap my head around, but true. Sending you big hugs.

  2. We have all been there in that deep dark corner of our sadness…and it is so important to feel those feelings and cry. Even though it’s annoying to cry sometimes, it’s so healing and stress relieving, if anything, and then, one little positive things happens and the another..and slowly there is some hope and excitement back again. Wishing that transition quickly. Try to enjoy the magic of the holidays even if they aren’t what you would expect. Love you.

  3. Ugh. Nothing feels worse I think than a forced break. It’s different if you choose it.

    Personally, if someone asks me when we are going to have kids, I’m going to be honest. If they probe further, just tell them you don’t want to talk about it, and change the subject. I hope you feel better, mentally. HUGS.

  4. I’m sorry, I hate that feeling of feeling betrayed by my body. And as for Christmas, I’m with you on that one. I don’t know how many more times I can answer the “When are you having kids?” question before I absolutely lose my mind.

  5. I’m so sorry you’re on a forced break. Its such bullshit and its not fair at all. I’m sending positive fast shrinking cyst vibes your way!

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