You might think that taking a break means taking a break from everything. The drugs, the symptom spotting, the obsessing, and the future plans. Most of that is true…but I can’t stop myself from thinking about the future and where we want to go. My mind will never be able to stop doing that.
The thing is, I am not sure where I want to go anymore. I used to see our path so clearly and it always ended up with me with a huge swollen belly. But now I don’t know. I’ve mentioned this before, but I have always wanted to adopt. I want to take a child that needs a home and raise it with my husband. I want my kids to know that there is no such thing as a “normal” family, that sometimes our lives lead places we didn’t necessarily expect. I want my kids to see no racial boundaries.
The more and more I think about it, the more I am starting to lean towards adopting. If we did decide to adopt it does not mean that in the future we would not be able to have our own children. In fact it might help. My grandma and grandpa tried for years to get pregnant and even suffered ruptured cysts like me. She finally decided she had enough and adopted 2 babies. She got pregnant with my mom a year later without trying.
Not that I am expecting adoption to miraculously help me conceive, because I am far too cynical for that. But you never what could happen when not preventing and also not stressing.
I’ve been pursuing adoption blogs as of recently and I love hearing the stories. Those are their babies, it makes no difference that there is not a genetic link. These children, they complete a void in these couples lives that they have longed for.
I want that. I want us to become a family, regardless of the means.
This Christmas break should be really good. Not only do I mentally need the recharge of being with my family, but we will be meeting with another fertility doctor and an adoption agent. That way we really know which path we want to take. As of right now J is leaning more towards IVF or adoption, which is really weird. He was always the one pushing for the least amount of medical intervention and cost. I think my brief stint in the ER really freaked him out.
I worry a little about the adoption thing with his family though. In my family it is so normal, but I know that is a rare case. Not that I think his family would love an adopted child any less, but the fact of the matter is, if we choose to adopt we will most likely be adopting an ethnic baby. My in-laws are not racist in the least, but they also have never had this sort of thing in their family. My mother in law’s whole life has been about being a mother. She had 8 kids without any pain medication and her whole world revolves around them. I have a fear that she will somehow look down on our decision because she cherished the whole pregnancy, birth, and child thing so much.
But really I can’t worry about that. Overall J and I have to make the decision that is best for OUR family. But I think I am slowly starting to accept that our family may come to us in way that we did not expect. And if it does, I am sure it will be amazing.