I just can’t help myself

I have a pregnant co-worker that I think I have mentioned before (who doesn’t? I know). My bitterness has been very limited to this particular pregnancy mostly because they are not her babies. She is carrying twin boys as a surrogate for a family who can not conceive. Awesome right? So I really haven’t had a hard time with it. She is doing a very selfless thing for one of my fellow infertiles. Last week I even got up the courage to ask her about it and tell her a little bit about my own situation. She was so understanding and sympathetic (for a fertile) and it was great to hear this couples story. It also doesn’t bother me much because I don’t see her that often. She works at a different location so I see her once a month at the most.

Last night was one of our two Christmas parties (yes we have two, one board members party, and one regular staff party). She was there so I of course introduced J to her. We sat near her at dinner and all night long I got to hear about the new developments in her pregnancy. You would think since she knows about my situation she’d keep the pregnancy talk to a minimum right? But it was ME. Like some kind of uncontrollable demon inside me, I kept asking questions. “Are they moving?”, “Do the parents have names picked out?”, “Do you have a birth plan?”. I swear I am possessed.

Then of course I was sad all night because I thought WE’D be going through those experiences right now. Of course then another uncontrollable demon steps in and I get home and log on to Facebook. Facebook is EVIL. Seriously. Most of my friends are cool when they announce their pregnancies. It is usually a simple announcement, maybe a few months later announce the sex, and then pictures when the baby is born. Nothing too overwhelming. But I have a friend who recently announced her pregnancy and now every. single. status. is about her baby. Ultrasound pictures, belly pictures, talking about how he is moving, how she hopes he looks like his daddy. Kill me now. It has to be mentioned that she never updated her Facebook before this. Seriously, like once every 6 months. But once again I bring it on myself, because I know everyday what I am in for when I log on. But do I stop myself? No. Possessed.

As much as I’ve talked recently about the possibility of adopting I truly don’t know if I am ready to give up the fight to become pregnant. I want it so bad. Yes I want a baby, but I also really really want to be pregnant. Gah, I feel bi-polar or something. One minute I am more than willing to give up the fight, the next I have this raging desire to go on with the drugs. My mind is truly a mess. It wouldn’t be so bad if I could just make the demon go away! Tonight is the other work party so my goal is to fight the demon and not ask a single pregnancy related question. Must. Stay. Strong.

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9 Comments

Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Infertility, PCOS

9 responses to “I just can’t help myself

  1. nothingifnotoptimistic

    ugh, I do the same thing. I think there’s some involuntary compulsion to want to be involved and know everyone else’s business when it come to babies. Like during my Sister-in-law’s pregnancy and two other friends pregnancies, I had to rub their bellies, I had to know the minute the babies started moving, i wanted to know the estimated weights and if they were going to use a midwife or a doctor. EVERYTHING. I become the best and worst version of myself! lol. 🙂 I don’t think it ever will go away. And there are no boundaries I won’t cross. I’ve even gone as far as to question pregnant ladies who come through my line at work, though I keep my questions to the minimum. 🙂

  2. We are all a bunch of masochists.

  3. Facebook us awful in that regard. Have you ever discussed embryo adoption? It was a great fit for us and one of the great things is no stims or egg retrieval. It’s just prepping the uterus (or you could even try a natural cycle) and then the transfer. It was a miracle that I was given the chance to be pregnant when I have no eggs of my own. Praying for you as you make these difficult decisions.

    • I think if we were going to discuss something like embryo adoption we’d just go the whole hog and do IVF. It scares me, but I think I would want to at least try.

  4. Why do we do that! I can’t help myself sometimes either, and then I get upset and the jealousy sets in, and the only person I have to blame is myself. Oh, and yes, Facebook is definitely evil. I always come ***this***close to deleting my account, but I just can’t do it. I am on it a LOT less these days, though, which has helped immensely. Good luck!

    • Yeah I’ve been trying to keep the Facebooking to a minimum. I’m pretty close to blocking the one girl from my feed. I can’t delete it because I live away from all my friends and family and a lot of times its the only way I keep in touch with people.

  5. I also do it all the time, why I ask you ladies do we do this. Over and over … and we always feel bad afterwards!!! The more you try to stay away from babies and pregnant woman the more it is there … always in your face almost like it is saying we~la~ke~pe~la …..

    Keep the faith! and huge hugs coming your way!!

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