I have a pregnant co-worker that I think I have mentioned before (who doesn’t? I know). My bitterness has been very limited to this particular pregnancy mostly because they are not her babies. She is carrying twin boys as a surrogate for a family who can not conceive. Awesome right? So I really haven’t had a hard time with it. She is doing a very selfless thing for one of my fellow infertiles. Last week I even got up the courage to ask her about it and tell her a little bit about my own situation. She was so understanding and sympathetic (for a fertile) and it was great to hear this couples story. It also doesn’t bother me much because I don’t see her that often. She works at a different location so I see her once a month at the most.
Last night was one of our two Christmas parties (yes we have two, one board members party, and one regular staff party). She was there so I of course introduced J to her. We sat near her at dinner and all night long I got to hear about the new developments in her pregnancy. You would think since she knows about my situation she’d keep the pregnancy talk to a minimum right? But it was ME. Like some kind of uncontrollable demon inside me, I kept asking questions. “Are they moving?”, “Do the parents have names picked out?”, “Do you have a birth plan?”. I swear I am possessed.
Then of course I was sad all night because I thought WE’D be going through those experiences right now. Of course then another uncontrollable demon steps in and I get home and log on to Facebook. Facebook is EVIL. Seriously. Most of my friends are cool when they announce their pregnancies. It is usually a simple announcement, maybe a few months later announce the sex, and then pictures when the baby is born. Nothing too overwhelming. But I have a friend who recently announced her pregnancy and now every. single. status. is about her baby. Ultrasound pictures, belly pictures, talking about how he is moving, how she hopes he looks like his daddy. Kill me now. It has to be mentioned that she never updated her Facebook before this. Seriously, like once every 6 months. But once again I bring it on myself, because I know everyday what I am in for when I log on. But do I stop myself? No. Possessed.
As much as I’ve talked recently about the possibility of adopting I truly don’t know if I am ready to give up the fight to become pregnant. I want it so bad. Yes I want a baby, but I also really really want to be pregnant. Gah, I feel bi-polar or something. One minute I am more than willing to give up the fight, the next I have this raging desire to go on with the drugs. My mind is truly a mess. It wouldn’t be so bad if I could just make the demon go away! Tonight is the other work party so my goal is to fight the demon and not ask a single pregnancy related question. Must. Stay. Strong.