Hidden Truths

I know many of you that have blogs have mentioned that your husband does not know about your blog, or maybe that he does but he does not know the web address, or maybe he does know about it and reads it. Everyone seems to be on a different comfort level with that. My husband knows about this blog and has even read it a few times. When he first asked to read it I told him no and the smart ass went and googled my e-mail address and found the blog anyways.

I let him read it eventually although I was so nervous because I had posted about us fighting. I’ve never written anything horrible about him on here but still, I felt like I had somehow betrayed his trust by posting it. Well he is a good sport and it didn’t bother him. He has asked to read the blog a few times after that, I usually say no, but end up giving in. Recently I asked him to not read it because I felt like this was my private outlet.

Today I told him a bit about my last post. I told him that I was making fun of the Holiday Newsletters that people sent out and that I had written one for us. He asked what it said and I told him it was just about how crappy our year had been. He immediately said “It wasn’t all bad was it?” I assured him no, it wasn’t, that I was just joking around. He was quite for a minute and then asked me “Are you really not happy here at all?”

It broke my heart.

He said that every time I post something on here it is about how horrible my life is going. And I won’t deny that. I use this blog as a venting post. It releases all my pent-up negative thoughts and gives me an outlet to spew my negativity in a way that I didn’t believe was hurting anyone.

But I was apparently wrong.

I don’t know if he has been reading since I asked him not too, my gut tells me he hasn’t. Because that is the kind of person he is. So tonight I asked myself why I didn’t want him to read the blog. And the answer was not hard to reach.

I’m ashamed.

I’m ashamed of all these horrible thoughts that I put on here. More so than that, I am scared that if he reads all of them that he will finally realize that it is too much to deal with. That the baggage I have is too great for him to carry. For 4 years he has put up with my health issues, my neediness, my depression, my incredibly low self-esteem, and the way I cling to my family like I am a puppy not ready to be weened. And this year has brought out the worst in me. I truly don’t know how he puts up with it, and I am so afraid that one day he is going to wake up and realize he deserves more and it will send him running for the door.

So here is the truth.

My husband means the world to me. And being without him scares me far more than the thought of never having a baby. I know somehow, someway, we will have a family. But the most important part of that family is US. Me and him. And I can’t imagine my life, much less a child’s life, without him in it.

He gives me so much and I give him so little in return. I wish I could say otherwise. I wish I could be the woman he deserves or needs. I wish I wasn’t such a broken mess that he is constantly having to clean up. I wish I could not care about the baby thing so much. It would be so much easier if I could forget it.

But one thing I could NEVER get over, is losing him.

I want him to know that HE was the best part of my year. Hands down. And I have never for a moment regretted any decisions we have made together. Some things that he made great about this year:

-Going on a 22 hour drive to Seattle. One of the first real vacations we have taken since our honeymoon. It was so incredible to spend that time together and just enjoy being us.

-Any time he laughs. I swear it is one of the best sounds in the world. Especially when I am the one making him laugh. It lights up my day.

-Finding a place that we can truly call “home”. We have moved more times in our 4 years of marriage then some do in a lifetime. But we found a place where we are both happy and we took the chance to make it our home. I feel so safe here and like this is where I am supposed to be.

-Taking care of me after my ER visit. While the experience in general was horrible, he was so amazing, I could never put into words how much he took care of me in the hospital and the days afterwards. He was there for me if anything came up. He held my hair back while I threw up and then went to wash out the bucket like it was no big deal. He woke up with me in the night to make sure I didn’t need anything or to see if I needed more medication. He was my hero. I would have been so lost without him.

-Goofing off. I told my therapist this the other day but I sometimes truly believe we are the most ridiculous people in the world. We do the STUPIDEST things. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. The games we play and the fun we have is something so unique. I couldn’t ask for a better friend then him.

So I am laying it all out. This is me. This sniveling, depressed, obsessed woman. And it is someone who I hate to look at in the mirror. But it is me. For now at least. I hope in time I can regain some sense of self and be the person he sees in me.

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14 Comments

Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Depression, Living Life, marriage

14 responses to “Hidden Truths

  1. Trish,
    I am reading your post over and over. I see myself in each word and each sentence. I am so much alike you, I do to hide my blog from my family and best of all my husband to be … and if I have to be honest I agree with you, I am ashamed, I don’t want him or anybody close to me to see the pain, to see how weak I really am. I am scared that he will say stop with all of this coz I love you to much ….

    Also thank you for reminding me to also look at the good of this year and that our husbands are more important than to be a mother …

    Thank you for sharing and with that making a difference in my life today xxx

  2. Michelle

    I appreciate that you are talking about how much you love your husband and how much you are glad to have him. I feel the same way about mine.

    That said, the way you write about what is not going well in your life is helpful too. It’s good to know that there are other people out there who are having a hard time; that I’m not the only experiencing these thoughts and feelings. I ask that you please continue to be honest with your readers about what is going on in your life. It helps me feel as if I am not alone.

  3. I feel like I could have written this post a year ago! I am guilty of the same kind of thinking….”Oh my life is awful” and stuff like that and my hubby gets hurt by those things too. He was even highly offended when I once posted “FML” as my Facebook status. I’ve learned how to communicate what I mean and qualify my statements and say something instead like, “Everything in my life sucks, except for you. You’re the only good thing in it.” and that seemed to be enough for him. I also had to teach him how to deal with me, if that makes sense. I tried my best to explain to him that I have a need to vent my feelings and I’m not looking for advice, just comfort, that’s it. Because of that, my husband knows about my blog and I told him he could read it any time he wants to, but he has chosen to let this be my new outlet, to think things through in written words instead of dumping everything on him. It’s a relief for him since my emotions are exhausting for him, so it’s less for him to deal with. Plus, thinking things through on my blog actually has helped me communicate better with him because I already know the point I want to make, so I can say it in 100 words to him, instead of the 1000 I put on my blog, so it’s been a good thing.

    But I want to make sure you understand this…..(and this is directed at the previous poster too!) Just because you have to vent your emotions, and just because YOU THINK someone reading about those emotions on your blog might see you as weak, DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE! No one can have it together all the time. But losing it on my blog helps me to not lose it in public. You know you have GOT to be a strong person to endure the things you’ve been through and still live to tell the tale. And I think you also know that if your real-life friends did read this blog, they wouldn’t see you as weak or crazy, but human, with real pain, and the best of friends would only want to support you. Now, I’m not advocating you go public with your blog, but I’m just saying you have a right to feel what you feel and you shouldn’t have to be ashamed of it.

    P.S. I loved reading what you love about your hubby! I was saying, “AWWWW!” the whole time 🙂 He’s definitely a keeper.

  4. listen…you know as well as I do, that if we didn’t vent those negative feelings somewhere…it would build up and explode and cause more damage to a relationship that a couple words on an anonymous blog. most (well, maybe all but a few) women suffer from self-esteem issues…IF doesn’t help it in any shape or form…but try not to let it sneak up and risk your marriage. Yes, your husband means the world, but your lack of self-confidence is what makes you so fearful of losing him. He is not going to leave you. If anything, reading the fears should bring him closer and allow him to “touch” you in ways you never knew was possible. My husband always sees things in a more positive light than me….that’s why I am trying to be more and more open about my emotional struggles with it…because he always has a more positive outlook that helps to pick me up out of the “hole” and give me hope. Thinking of you!! 2012 is our year….it. just. is. xoxo

  5. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row

    I love this post. A lot.

  6. None of us are perfect. We all have various quirks, demons and secrets. But all those imperfections wrapped together with all our wonderful qualities make us unique, vibrant individuals. Perfection is boring!

    The thing to remember is that your husband married YOU, quirks, obsessions and all. Sure, there are days where you probably drive one another nuts. But there are probably days were he’s been secretly thankful for those quirks, as they remind him of what you two have together.

    Keep writing. This blog should be your place to vent. We all need this place and their is nothing abnormal about feeling down. In fact, it’s the ones who are always “happy” who worry me the most.

  7. I hope you let him read this one. It’s beautiful and honest and real. I feel very similar about my husband as you do yours, especially about his laugh. I think it’s the best sound in the world and so unique to him.

    A past love once told me his best art came out of his depression. When he was feeling happier, he was often disappointed in his work. For me, the same applies to my writing. I think it’s only natural to use this space to vent your negative feelings and thoughts. You have to get it out or you’ll go crazy. Maybe just remind yourself every once in a while to step out of that space and write something about what brings you joy. Maybe it will help in the long run.

  8. Can I just say thank you to all of you for your amazing responses! You have no idea how much they mean to me. Really, I feel like I just got a huge internet hug. You all have made me feel like there are truly people out there who understand me. And more than anything I need that right now.

    J did indeed read the post. I have also decided I am okay with him reading my blog. As long as he understands that sometimes I need to write out my darkest thoughts here in order to be happy in real life. I think he understands that now.

    Again thank you so much. You guys mean the world to me!

  9. I think I must just tell my DH to go read so he can understand better!! I have been struggling to sleep mainly coz I stress so much that we will never get to IVF because of money and it is hard to talk about it to him …. we had arguement coz I am not going to bed and watching series until late and then I am tired the next morning … It is not that I don’t want to, I just cannot get myself to fall asleep … I feel alone in this one ….

    • Aw hon I am so sorry. Just know you are not alone at all! I’ve been in the same situation with the IVF / Money talk. My husband is the cheapest man alive and talking about spending that kind of money was one of the hardest things in the world.

      Maybe he should read your blog, I know I personally have a hard time expressing my feelings to my husband without becoming all teary. At least this way he can read what I am actually going through.

      Sending you lots of hugs and hope!

  10. i’ve been there. i understand exactly how you feel. my husband is by far and away the most amazing part of my life. so many times i feel like he’s going to run out the door at any moment. but he always surprises me, scoops me up and tells me that no matter how this journey turns out, he’ll always be by my side. ❤

  11. Tracy

    I totally could have written this post. There’s been many an occasion where my husband has been peeking over my shoulder and asking if he could read – I always said no until..one day I just sent him the link and about two days later he came to me in tears saying that reading about our history the way I wrote it made him so sad and that it was good for him to read how I felt because he didn’t realize just how much stress all this “baby making stuff” really was. I don’t think he’s read it since but oddly it worked out that he felt like he could understand where a lot of my sadness came from after reading it.

    Great post and happy to have found your blog 🙂

  12. Tracy

    PS…hope it’s okay that I’m following your blog now!

  13. I am so glad you are letting your DH read now. I have found it really helpful for him to understand how I feel on a deeper level. He is also ok with me being an over-sharer, always have been, always will be. I am sending you a big hug. I love your blog and I think you should continue to let your feelings out freely.

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