I know many of you that have blogs have mentioned that your husband does not know about your blog, or maybe that he does but he does not know the web address, or maybe he does know about it and reads it. Everyone seems to be on a different comfort level with that. My husband knows about this blog and has even read it a few times. When he first asked to read it I told him no and the smart ass went and googled my e-mail address and found the blog anyways.
I let him read it eventually although I was so nervous because I had posted about us fighting. I’ve never written anything horrible about him on here but still, I felt like I had somehow betrayed his trust by posting it. Well he is a good sport and it didn’t bother him. He has asked to read the blog a few times after that, I usually say no, but end up giving in. Recently I asked him to not read it because I felt like this was my private outlet.
Today I told him a bit about my last post. I told him that I was making fun of the Holiday Newsletters that people sent out and that I had written one for us. He asked what it said and I told him it was just about how crappy our year had been. He immediately said “It wasn’t all bad was it?” I assured him no, it wasn’t, that I was just joking around. He was quite for a minute and then asked me “Are you really not happy here at all?”
It broke my heart.
He said that every time I post something on here it is about how horrible my life is going. And I won’t deny that. I use this blog as a venting post. It releases all my pent-up negative thoughts and gives me an outlet to spew my negativity in a way that I didn’t believe was hurting anyone.
But I was apparently wrong.
I don’t know if he has been reading since I asked him not too, my gut tells me he hasn’t. Because that is the kind of person he is. So tonight I asked myself why I didn’t want him to read the blog. And the answer was not hard to reach.
I’m ashamed of all these horrible thoughts that I put on here. More so than that, I am scared that if he reads all of them that he will finally realize that it is too much to deal with. That the baggage I have is too great for him to carry. For 4 years he has put up with my health issues, my neediness, my depression, my incredibly low self-esteem, and the way I cling to my family like I am a puppy not ready to be weened. And this year has brought out the worst in me. I truly don’t know how he puts up with it, and I am so afraid that one day he is going to wake up and realize he deserves more and it will send him running for the door.
So here is the truth.
My husband means the world to me. And being without him scares me far more than the thought of never having a baby. I know somehow, someway, we will have a family. But the most important part of that family is US. Me and him. And I can’t imagine my life, much less a child’s life, without him in it.
He gives me so much and I give him so little in return. I wish I could say otherwise. I wish I could be the woman he deserves or needs. I wish I wasn’t such a broken mess that he is constantly having to clean up. I wish I could not care about the baby thing so much. It would be so much easier if I could forget it.
But one thing I could NEVER get over, is losing him.
I want him to know that HE was the best part of my year. Hands down. And I have never for a moment regretted any decisions we have made together. Some things that he made great about this year:
-Going on a 22 hour drive to Seattle. One of the first real vacations we have taken since our honeymoon. It was so incredible to spend that time together and just enjoy being us.
-Any time he laughs. I swear it is one of the best sounds in the world. Especially when I am the one making him laugh. It lights up my day.
-Finding a place that we can truly call “home”. We have moved more times in our 4 years of marriage then some do in a lifetime. But we found a place where we are both happy and we took the chance to make it our home. I feel so safe here and like this is where I am supposed to be.
-Taking care of me after my ER visit. While the experience in general was horrible, he was so amazing, I could never put into words how much he took care of me in the hospital and the days afterwards. He was there for me if anything came up. He held my hair back while I threw up and then went to wash out the bucket like it was no big deal. He woke up with me in the night to make sure I didn’t need anything or to see if I needed more medication. He was my hero. I would have been so lost without him.
-Goofing off. I told my therapist this the other day but I sometimes truly believe we are the most ridiculous people in the world. We do the STUPIDEST things. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. The games we play and the fun we have is something so unique. I couldn’t ask for a better friend then him.
So I am laying it all out. This is me. This sniveling, depressed, obsessed woman. And it is someone who I hate to look at in the mirror. But it is me. For now at least. I hope in time I can regain some sense of self and be the person he sees in me.