Monthly Archives: January 2012

Pity party, table for one

I had a really hard day Sunday. Physically, I am healing very well. I am able to get around pretty much at a normal pace and my stamina has gotten much better. It’s the emotional aspect that I am having a hard time with. Everyone keeps telling me how well I am handle everything. I smile, and laugh, and joke around. I write stupid poems about my missing ovary. I can do those things because I have accepted denial as great coping mechanism. I don’t like to think about the fact that I lost my ovary, or how it could affect my future fertility. I don’t like to think about the fact that a year after getting off birth control I still am not even pregnant. I don’t like to think about the fact that this happened to me because of fertility medication. I hate thinking about all of it.

The problem with denial is that if something little upsets me, it all comes to surface and I feel EVERYTHING. Even if the original source of frustration has nothing to do with fertility. On Sunday we started receiving bills for the 2 E.R. visits I have had in the past month and a half. Our insurance has picked up most of it, but still…there are bills. And I feel resentful about it. It is not a rational thought, I know that, but I am so angry that I have to pay money to have them remove one of my reproductive organs. An organ that I wanted more than anything to keep. I know that I couldn’t keep it, it was sick, and it was making me horribly sick. But I am still resentful. To make myself feel a bit better about the money I decided to file our tax returns thinking that seeing how much money we were getting back would help the situation. Well as it turns out we owe money. Another slap in the face. And this made my emotions all come out. I spent the rest of the day gloomy and sad. By the time I went to bed I was in tears and couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t stop thinking about how unfair this situation is. It is SO unfair and I feel like I am being suffocated by my negative thoughts.

I have tried SO hard during this to be positive. I have tried so hard to smile and say that this was probably a good thing. That now my body is healthy and just maybe it will be able to create the life that I so desperately crave. In my head that all still makes sense, but emotionally I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that this will ever work. I can’t imagine myself ever seeing a positive pregnancy test or carrying a baby. I want so desperately to believe that I will get pregnant this year. I want it so bad. But sometimes its just too hard. Believing takes a lot of work.

Bodega Bliss said it better than me and I related to this post so much.

“Sometimes, I want to pretend that my life went as planned.  That it didn’t take a detour down the dark and twisty road of pregnancy loss, that I’ve been on the sun-filled road all along.

And the thing is, sometimes it works.  It works for a few days – a week – and I wake up happy for once.  But the reality always creeps back.  That relentless longing for a child never seems to disappear, no matter how much I pretend it was never there.  I start to miss the people in this little virtual world of mine, the people that I am invested whole-heartedly in their lives and their cycles and their collective uteri.  I can’t turn my back on it now.  I can’t pretend it away.  It’s who I am, it’s who I’ll always be.”

I have never experienced a loss and I would never presume to know how that feels. But I know what she means when she says she wishes she could pretend her life went differently but that no matter how hard she pretends it will always be a part of her. Because even if I do get pregnant, this life will always be a part of me. I will never be one of those people who pees on a stick, sees a positive result, and automatically assume I’ll hold a baby in my arms in 9 months. I will always be waiting for something to go wrong, fearing that the happiness will all of a sudden go away. I will never have know what it is like to stride blissfully through a pregnancy. I’ve seen too much heartache in my short time in the ALI community.

I had just started getting my head on straight again yesterday, still a  little down but starting to feel better, and I received 2 texts today. One from my friend telling my she found out she is expecting a girl who is due on my birthday and another from my cousin telling me she is pregnant and due in August. I just want this to end. I want to not feel this so much. I want to be happy for the people in my life. I want to go back to pretending I’m doing good.

 

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Filed under Depression, Infertility, PCOS

101 Things To Do in 1001 Days

*If you haven’t received any comments from me on your blog lately it is because blogspot/blogger has been really weird the past week and is not letting me write comments. I’ve literally typed out a dozen comments only to have them not go through, but I am still reading and sending out positive vibes to all of you.  Hopefully it will get fixed soon. Much love to everyone, xoxo.

So a couple of weeks ago I read a post from MissConception of 101 things she was going to do in 1001 days. I immediately fell in love with that idea. I love having goals to work towards and this seemed like a great way of encouraging myself to do some things that I’ve been wanting to do but haven’t ever gotten around to. It took me a little while to make the list but mostly because I took a 2 week break from working on it after the surgery. But now it is finally done! I will also be making a page for this list so if you are curious you can check on my status and tell me to get going if I look like I am slacking.

Start date: January 28th, 2012

End date: October 25th, 2014

1. Read 100 new books.

2. Lose 10 lbs.

3. Take a class.

4. Bring home a baby.

5. Write someone a letter telling them how much you appreciate them.

6. Cook 2 new meals a week for a month.

7. Give up soda for 6 months.

8. Organize the kitchen / pantry.

9. Clean out and donate old clothes.

10. Practice guitar for 1 hour a week for 3 months.

11. Go to church two times a month for 6 months.

12. Go camping.

13. See 3 musicals.

14. Help someone in need.

15. Eat 3 new types of food.

16. Join a group. (Support group, club, ect.)

17. Make a new friend.

18. Lose 15 lbs. (total after the 10 lbs. loss)

19. exercise for 20 min. 5 times a week for 2 months.

20. Run a mile without stopping.

21. Make a photo album.

22. Donate to a charity.

23. Go Skiing

24. Watch the sun rise on the beach.

25. Give up a bad habit.

26. Get a massage.

27. Get a pedicure.

28. Drink 64 oz of water a day for 2 weeks.

29. Do acupuncture treatments.

30. Organize filling folder of important documents.

31. Learn to make Chinese Chicken Salad like the one from Sweet Tomatoes.

32. Clean out my jewelry box.

33. See a foreign film.

34. Send out Christmas cards.

35. Go ice skating.

36. Vote.

37. Read a book with J.

38. Plan a special date night for J.

39. Re-learn American Sign Language. (took classes in HS but have forgotten a lot)

40. See “The Phantom of the Opera” in Las Vegas.

41. Buy a new camera.

42. Buy a video camera.

43. Visit Medieval Times.

44. Ride a new rollercoaster.

45. Let go of bitterness.

46. Play in the rain.

47. Make the bed everyday for a month.

48. Whiten my teeth.

49. Be completely honest about all my feelings with my therapist.

50. Write a letter to myself to open in 10 years.

51. See 10 classic movies that I’ve never seen before.

52. Get a facial.

53. Don’t complain for a week.

54. Wish on a shooting star.

55. Watch all the “Harry Potter” movies in one day.

56. Go on one big hike with J.

57. Visit somewhere I’ve never been.

58. Get up an hour earlier than needed everyday for 2 weeks.

59. Go to San Diego Zoo.

60. See a production of Cirque de Soleil

61. Transfer recipes to a recipe box.

62. Host a game night.

63. Pay for someone’s order behind me in the drive-thru.

64. Don’t eat any sugar for 1 week.

65. Find a new hobby.

66. Take a picture in a photo booth.

67. Have a night picnic outside.

68. Make a list of 100 things I like about myself/my life.

69. Stay at a Bed and Breakfast.

70. Re-frame our wedding pictures.

71. Attend a friend’s wedding.

72. Make my own cheesecake.

73. Go to the Dermatologist.

74. Buy a muffin tin.

75. Make muffins or cupcakes.

76. Get my car detailed.

77. Attend a yoga or aerobics class.

78. Buy a good luck charm necklace.

79. Make a pie from scratch.

80. Re-finish dressers.

81. Meet a local member of the ALI community in person.

82. Beat J in a video game.

83. Buy a new laptop.

84. Take a non-visit vacation with J.

85. Volunteer at the hospital.

86. Make a pizza from scratch.

87. Take Toady on a walk everyday for 2 weeks.

88. Clean out the storage closet.

89. Eat at 15 new restaurants.

90. Compliment someone every day for 1 week.

91. Make dinner for an ill friend.

92. Clean out old makeup.

93. Attend my 10 year reunion.

94. Color every page in a coloring book.

95. Don’t log onto Facebook for 1 week.

96. Go rock climbing.

97. Complete an arts and crafts project.

98. Get a new kitchen table.

99. Get rid of old knickknacks that I don’t use.

100. Give someone a gift for no reason.

101. Make the best out of the hand life has deals and try to enjoy everyday to the fullest.

I think most of these things are so do-able and I really hope that I can complete this list in the upcoming 1001 days. There will also probably be a few blog posts about some of these as I complete them. Not all of them, because really, you guys don’t need to read a post about how I bought a muffin tin. But some of these were chosen for a very specific reason and I can’t wait to complete them and tell you all what the experience has meant to me.

Time to get cracking!

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Filed under 101 Things, Living Life

Making Progress

I had my 2 week follow-up today and everything is looking good! Pathology came back on my ovary and all the tissue was benign (we really didn’t expect it to come back malignant but it never hurts to check). I asked my doctor if they had any clue as to why the ovary kept swelling after the rupture and she told me that honestly they weren’t sure. It’s a little frustrating that I don’t have answers as to why this happened (in order to prevent it happening again in the future) but I guess it really doesn’t matter.

My doctor is very understanding to the fact that I am now an over-protective parent when it comes to my left ovary. It literally has all my eggs in its basket (heh.) so she is more than willing to occasionally meet with me and do ultrasounds to ensure that I do not have any large cysts brewing away. My next ultrasound to check the status of everything will be in 2 weeks.

I think for now, we will not be going back to our RE. Not only have we lost a lot of confidence in him, but we feel the best path for us right now is to see a normal endocrinologist to see if we can get my cycles regulated. Really my only issue to date has been the fact that I do not ovulate. We really never tried any treatment other than infertility drugs. So we want to give Metformin and anything else similar a chance to see if we could possible do this the old-fashioned way.

It goes without saying that we are currently really skeptical to jump back into IF drugs. This whole things started with Clomid and I am scared of losing my precious left ovary. (My preccciiioouusss!) So I figure maybe will give the natural thing 6 months or so to see if we can get me ovulating even every once in a while. Commmeee on Lefty!

By the way, I made up a poem. You all want to hear it? I know you are on the edge of your seats…

Ode to the Ovary

Ovary, Ovary, where fore art thou Ovary?

You turned big and black

And never came back

And now there is only Lefty!

*Bows* J thought it was sad and depressing when I told it to him, but I thought it was kind of funny. Or maybe I’m just a little sick in the head. Oh well.

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Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Infertility, Living Life, PCOS, Sickness

Dun dun dun!

Guys…I think I ovulated a few days ago. Right?!?! 2nd month in a row on my own baby! Of course this is also the 2nd month in a row that we have been banned from doing the deed during the ovulation window due to my blasted ovary. But HEY! Beggars can’t be choosers right?

I haven’t been tracking my cycle at all, no temps or opks, I’m just going on the fact that on CD 20 I had ewcm (tmi, sorry but there was a lot of it) and that my nips have been sensitive ever since that day. I never get sore nips unless I ovulated. So whoo! Go left go! I think it feels bad for since the loss of its partner in crime so it is really trying to make up for its other halves failures. I can only hope that it keeps it up and I will ovulate next month when we can actually have sex again! Novel idea! (please, please, please, please, please)

I’m going back to work tomorrow, can’t say that I am too excited about it. Although I’m pretty well healed up, I still get tired really easily and I’m afraid the day is gonna knock me out. But I gotta get back to normal life sometime so it is time to take the plunge. Incisions are healing really nicely as well, although my belly button is still glued a bit. I mean at least it looks somewhat open now, but the back is still sealed shut. Alas, I wish it would go away.

For your entertainment I present: My incision! These pictures are a progression of the incision on my left side (which was weirdly the worst one even though it was my right ovary that was removed) and you can really see how well it is healing. My belly button does look a little worse, but I think that is just because of the weirdness of belly buttons in general. And I didn’t really want to take pictures of that because belly buttons are kinda gross anyways.

 

 

 

Ready?

 

 

 

 

Giving people time to leave if they don’t want to see it…

 

 

 

 

Okay! This one was taken the morning after the surgery:

(btw like my undies? *giggles like a ten-year-old)

This is 5 days post-op:

 

And finally this was yesterday, one week and a day post op:

 

Woot woot! Healing up veeehhhrrry nice. I think so at least. And I am MOBILE again! Ah, sweet freedom. Now hopefully I don’t pass out at work tomorrow.

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Filed under Living Life, pictures, Sickness

This is your brain on drugs

Before this I whole thing I had only had one other experience with anesthesia. That was when I was 20 and had my wisdom teeth out. That whole procedure was so easy and I found the anesthesia to be kinda fun. I thought it was crazy that he injected something into my iv, started counting down from 10, and by 8 I was gone. The next thing I knew I was being pushed into the car by a nurse and my mom was trying to pull from the other side. Too funny.

This time it was a completely different story. I keep trying to back track to the surgery and the following hours and it kind of disturbs me how little I remember. I was completely terrified of seeing the OR. I thought that the sight of the sterile room with doctors in gowns and masks would completely throw me over the edge. When we were in the “waiting” room they explained that I would not be knocked out till after we arrived in the OR and I was so scared. I shouldn’t have worried though because right after J left they gave me something to “relax” me. I remember thinking that I hope I wasn’t going to have a hard time with the breathing tube like the guy across from me who had just come out of surgery.

Then nothing.

Next thing I remember is being woken up at 6:30am by the nurse checking my vitals. It is really unnerving waking up in a room, not knowing how you got there, and with your underwear and bra neatly folded on the foot of the bed when you know YOU didn’t take them off. Talk about awkward.

And this my friends, in my drugged up haze, is the moment that I decided to post on Facebook. Note to anyone going into surgery, have someone take away your phone until you are sobered up. The message wasn’t that horrible, it definitely could have been worse, but it was kind of cryptic. Needless to say I got A LOT of responses.

Because, even though I did not remember coming out of surgery, having J feed me ice chips with a spoon, or talking to the doctor about what had happened, I KNEW my ovary was gone. And I felt the need to share that with the world. I don’t know how I remembered that, I still have no recollection of talking to the doctor about it but apparently it stuck through the cloudiness of the anesthesia.

THIS is why I don’t do drugs. Because I know I am not  a rational person and because I really hate this black area where I don’t remember things. I mean how do I really know what happened? I don’t. And I never will. Before going in I asked the anesthesiologist to make sure I stayed asleep. Well done to him! He did a good job.

P.S. Welcome to all those here from ICLW! In case you’re lost, one week ago today I went into the ER and had to have my right ovary removed due to Ovarian Torsion. Slowly but surely recovering. Happy ICLW to everyone!

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Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Just my luck, Sickness

Missing: One Ovary

Thank you all for the supportive comments I’ve received lately. They really mean so much to me and lift my spirits. I’ve been home since Monday just hobbling along while I heal from the surgery. The 2 incisions above my hip bones are doing well and really only hurt when I stretch a certain way or try to move to fast. (I’m currently at the pace of a 75-year-old rather than a 90-year-old. Speeed racer!) It’s the incision in my belly button that is bothering me the most. It aches much more than the others and constantly feels like it is being tugged on. They used surgical glue to close up the incisions and I won’t lie, I was pretty distraught when I realized that my belly button was glued together. I’ve been in a constant state of worry that it was not going to come undone and I was going to be a mutant with a glued belly button the rest of my life. But it started to come unglued yesterday (the belly button not the incision) so I breathe easy knowing I’ll live to wear a bikini again. I’m sure you are all relieved.

I’ve been pretty numb from the whole situation during this recovery. Everyone keeps commenting that I’m been so strong and how great it is that I’ve been in high spirits, but honestly I think I was in a state of shock. I literally went from thinking my right ovary had significantly gone down to not having a right ovary within 24 hours. It did help that they had pictures from the surgery to show me, because trust me, if you saw the pictures you wouldn’t want that thing in your body either. My mom’s exact words were “It looks like an alien!”. It was good for me to see, to know that there was nothing that could have been done, and also that that particular ovary was doing me absolutely no good. No baby was gonna come from that sucker.

I did finally break down last night at my therapist’s office. I felt like it was important for me to get in ASAP after the surgery because I knew eventually I was going to have to deal with this loss. And yes to me, this has been a loss. I feel like I am in mourning. I’ve been pretty lucky that I have never had to mourn a miscarriage, I can’t imagine that pain and my heart goes out to all those who have had to go through that or who are currently going through it. But really to me, this is a loss. It represents so much hope I had for my future and what it all means. I know I still have a good chance of conceiving, but I still lost one of my reproductive organs. I feel a little lopsided.

My therapist was great at working through my feelings with me. She explained that any normal person would have the exact same feelings. The anger, resentment, hurt, sadness, all of it. It is important to recognize these feelings as valid, but it is also important to accept them and let them go. It is not going to help my situation to be bitter at my 22-year-old cousin who is 8 weeks pregnant. But at the same time I don’t have to pretend to be over the moon for her. It does not make me a bad person to be hurting right now, it is a normal reaction and as long as I am aware of it, I am in control.

I feel so much better after last night. I feel like I got all the emotions out and now I am able to try to move forward. We have a plan and I need to concentrate on that. I need to concentrate on working with my body to heal so that we can move forward and help my mind heal.

I’m going to be a mother one day. I’m not going to let the rogue ovary stop me.

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Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Depression, Infertility, Just my luck, Sickness

Back in the Hospital

It all started Friday morning. I had some period-like cramps in the morning while getting ready for work. I thought it was odd since I was only on CD14 but I shrugged it off and took a midol. While getting ready I got really dizzy and almost passed out, so I called into work. I stayed home and was feeling pretty good until about 3:00pm when the cramps came back really intense. So intense that they went down into my thigh muscle and I could barely walk. I took some Pamprin and tried to wait it out but I was in so much pain that I called J to come pick me up and take me to the doctor.

He came and got me and we headed to the ER. By the time we went there the Medicine had kicked in and my pain was almost gone, so I decided to forego the ER and just go to the Urgent Care. We went and explained my history so they sent me to get an ultrasound. The ultrasound didn’t show us much, just that right ovary was inflamed and the cysts were between 2 and 4 cm each. I went home reassured.

I was wrong and so were they.

On Saturday morning the pain started again but far more intense. Worse even then when I had the ruptured cyst. We rushed to the ER and after a very scary ultrasound the doctor came into see me. My ovary was so inflamed that is was 13 cm plus the 3 small cysts. Ovaries are usually 4 cm. She told me that I was facing a surgery, we just had to figure out what kind. She sent for a consult from an oncologist to see if it was Ovarian cancer. I have never been so scared in my life.

Turns out they cleared me for cancer, so my doctor decided that we needed to go in and do a laparoscopic proceedure and drain the cysts to see if we could get the ovary to shrink down. I have never had a surgery in my life, and I was terrified. They were talking to me about all the risks of the anesthesia, scaring, and possible complications. I had to sign all these waivers. My husband stayed with me as long as possible and by 10:30pm I was knocked out and headed to the OR.

When they got inside the found my right ovary had suffered from Torsion, basically it had been so heavy that it twisted around, not once but five times. It was black from the lack of blood supply. It was also dead. They tried to twist it back to see if they could get any blood to it. Before going under I asked the surgeon to do everything possible to save the ovary. It was not possible. They removed my whole right ovary and tube.

I am sitting in my hospital bed right now still recovering. I have pain at the incision sights and there is also a lot of gas in my abdomen left over from the surgery. I feel a little numb about the whole thing. Apparently last night after I woke up J informed me of the loss of my ovary and I cried for 45 min. I have no recollection of this.

The OB/GYN that operated on my said she believes that I still have a good chance of getting pregnant after I recover. Apparently the left ovary will take over for the right and ovulate every month instead of every other month (If I can get regulated that is). That is good news, but I can’t help but feel a little empty. Like a main part of me has been snatched away. I thought we had seen the worse when the cyst ruptured, but apparently I was very, very wrong.

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Filed under Just my luck, PCOS, Sickness