I had a really hard day Sunday. Physically, I am healing very well. I am able to get around pretty much at a normal pace and my stamina has gotten much better. It’s the emotional aspect that I am having a hard time with. Everyone keeps telling me how well I am handle everything. I smile, and laugh, and joke around. I write stupid poems about my missing ovary. I can do those things because I have accepted denial as great coping mechanism. I don’t like to think about the fact that I lost my ovary, or how it could affect my future fertility. I don’t like to think about the fact that a year after getting off birth control I still am not even pregnant. I don’t like to think about the fact that this happened to me because of fertility medication. I hate thinking about all of it.
The problem with denial is that if something little upsets me, it all comes to surface and I feel EVERYTHING. Even if the original source of frustration has nothing to do with fertility. On Sunday we started receiving bills for the 2 E.R. visits I have had in the past month and a half. Our insurance has picked up most of it, but still…there are bills. And I feel resentful about it. It is not a rational thought, I know that, but I am so angry that I have to pay money to have them remove one of my reproductive organs. An organ that I wanted more than anything to keep. I know that I couldn’t keep it, it was sick, and it was making me horribly sick. But I am still resentful. To make myself feel a bit better about the money I decided to file our tax returns thinking that seeing how much money we were getting back would help the situation. Well as it turns out we owe money. Another slap in the face. And this made my emotions all come out. I spent the rest of the day gloomy and sad. By the time I went to bed I was in tears and couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t stop thinking about how unfair this situation is. It is SO unfair and I feel like I am being suffocated by my negative thoughts.
I have tried SO hard during this to be positive. I have tried so hard to smile and say that this was probably a good thing. That now my body is healthy and just maybe it will be able to create the life that I so desperately crave. In my head that all still makes sense, but emotionally I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that this will ever work. I can’t imagine myself ever seeing a positive pregnancy test or carrying a baby. I want so desperately to believe that I will get pregnant this year. I want it so bad. But sometimes its just too hard. Believing takes a lot of work.
Bodega Bliss said it better than me and I related to this post so much.
“Sometimes, I want to pretend that my life went as planned. That it didn’t take a detour down the dark and twisty road of pregnancy loss, that I’ve been on the sun-filled road all along.
And the thing is, sometimes it works. It works for a few days – a week – and I wake up happy for once. But the reality always creeps back. That relentless longing for a child never seems to disappear, no matter how much I pretend it was never there. I start to miss the people in this little virtual world of mine, the people that I am invested whole-heartedly in their lives and their cycles and their collective uteri. I can’t turn my back on it now. I can’t pretend it away. It’s who I am, it’s who I’ll always be.”
I have never experienced a loss and I would never presume to know how that feels. But I know what she means when she says she wishes she could pretend her life went differently but that no matter how hard she pretends it will always be a part of her. Because even if I do get pregnant, this life will always be a part of me. I will never be one of those people who pees on a stick, sees a positive result, and automatically assume I’ll hold a baby in my arms in 9 months. I will always be waiting for something to go wrong, fearing that the happiness will all of a sudden go away. I will never have know what it is like to stride blissfully through a pregnancy. I’ve seen too much heartache in my short time in the ALI community.
I had just started getting my head on straight again yesterday, still a little down but starting to feel better, and I received 2 texts today. One from my friend telling my she found out she is expecting a girl who is due on my birthday and another from my cousin telling me she is pregnant and due in August. I just want this to end. I want to not feel this so much. I want to be happy for the people in my life. I want to go back to pretending I’m doing good.