The meetings that we went to were very enlightening for us. It made me feel a lot better because I now knew what my options were. Through this process I’ve always felt okay as long as there was a plan. It’s when things go away from the plan and into the unknown that I lose my mind.
Before these meetings I was feeling really low because the options that I knew about didn’t feel right. None of them. Not injectables, not IVF, not even adoption. I am a big believer in going with your instinct and in the past my instinct has helped us out of certain situations. I want to be able to go forward with no doubts in my mind because I don’t think that will help but only hinder.
After the adoption meeting I was ready to do it. I was planning on the pictures and stories I’d use for our scrapbook, I was imagining being at the hospital with the birth mom knowing that she was about to give us the gift of a baby, I was ready to go. I really wanted to adopt. Or, to be more honest, I really wanted to WANT to adopt. But that night at home, after that amazing meeting that gave me so much hope, I broke down into tears. I cried to my mom that it wasn’t fair that I had to go through this process to get a baby when my cousin who has been married half the time as me, who lives with her parents while her husband is in school, and who tried for only a month is now 8 weeks pregnant. I felt so cheated.
The meeting with the RE gave me a renewed source of hope. Hope that I will actually be able to get pregnant. It just felt right, like all my worries went away. I felt like all the sudden, two months wasn’t that long to wait until we could start medication again. It almost felt like “Holy shit, we could be pregnant in 3 months!” Because at the end of the day, if I know my options are exhausted, I will adopt happily. More than happily, I will be ecstatic to adopt. I’ve always wanted to. Right now I am not able to give up the need to carry a baby inside me. I want to experience it all, the morning sickness, the moving, the growing, the labor. I want it all. And this new doctor gave me the ability to believe that it is still possible.
So now we wait. We have till the end of February at least until we can start the Femara that he prescribed me. Until then, I started the Metformin and hope that maybe in these two months we can start to get my cycles regulated. I also ordered a book called “The PCOS Diet Plan” with the hopes that if I can tweak my diet and exercise routines that I can get healthier for my fertility and for myself. I’m not really a heavy person, I’m only barely above what my BMI should be for someone my height. But I want to be able to take pictures of my belly when I am newly pregnant and not have it look like I am already 4 months along. I miss the body I had when I got married and the self-confidence that went along with it. I will never be a stick thin person. My body is just not made that way, I’m all curves. But I’d like to be able to wear my bikini and not feel like I’m one of those girls who is kidding themselves. I’d like to feel sexy for my husband again.
That is my goal. The next 2 months I am not going to focus on the baby thing, because there is nothing I can do about it anyways. I want to concentrate and getting healthy and enjoying my marriage like we used to. This process can tear relationships down, but I refuse to let that happen to us. We are going to go into this stronger than we ever were.
J said something to me the night that I broke down after our adoption meeting. He said that he thought I was just upset because during this whole thing I’ve only had experience with things not working. He said that I have come to expect things to just not work. And he was right, 100%. I can’t imagine things working anymore. But I’m going to try to change that perspective. We have options and one of them WILL work. We always have adoption now. And sometime in our lives I guarantee we go down that road, regardless of how our fertility works out. Because I want that. But for now, I want to go into 2012 with my head held high. That man knows me too well.
I won’t lie, I thought I was going to go into this year so pessimistic and depressed. I wanted to lash out and roll my eyes at everyone who said that they were positive and happy about the new year, because I so was not. But now I have become one of them. I am positive about our future this year. It would sure not be hard to be better than last year. 2011 sucked balls. Bring on the babies in 2012!