Thank you all for the supportive comments I’ve received lately. They really mean so much to me and lift my spirits. I’ve been home since Monday just hobbling along while I heal from the surgery. The 2 incisions above my hip bones are doing well and really only hurt when I stretch a certain way or try to move to fast. (I’m currently at the pace of a 75-year-old rather than a 90-year-old. Speeed racer!) It’s the incision in my belly button that is bothering me the most. It aches much more than the others and constantly feels like it is being tugged on. They used surgical glue to close up the incisions and I won’t lie, I was pretty distraught when I realized that my belly button was glued together. I’ve been in a constant state of worry that it was not going to come undone and I was going to be a mutant with a glued belly button the rest of my life. But it started to come unglued yesterday (the belly button not the incision) so I breathe easy knowing I’ll live to wear a bikini again. I’m sure you are all relieved.
I’ve been pretty numb from the whole situation during this recovery. Everyone keeps commenting that I’m been so strong and how great it is that I’ve been in high spirits, but honestly I think I was in a state of shock. I literally went from thinking my right ovary had significantly gone down to not having a right ovary within 24 hours. It did help that they had pictures from the surgery to show me, because trust me, if you saw the pictures you wouldn’t want that thing in your body either. My mom’s exact words were “It looks like an alien!”. It was good for me to see, to know that there was nothing that could have been done, and also that that particular ovary was doing me absolutely no good. No baby was gonna come from that sucker.
I did finally break down last night at my therapist’s office. I felt like it was important for me to get in ASAP after the surgery because I knew eventually I was going to have to deal with this loss. And yes to me, this has been a loss. I feel like I am in mourning. I’ve been pretty lucky that I have never had to mourn a miscarriage, I can’t imagine that pain and my heart goes out to all those who have had to go through that or who are currently going through it. But really to me, this is a loss. It represents so much hope I had for my future and what it all means. I know I still have a good chance of conceiving, but I still lost one of my reproductive organs. I feel a little lopsided.
My therapist was great at working through my feelings with me. She explained that any normal person would have the exact same feelings. The anger, resentment, hurt, sadness, all of it. It is important to recognize these feelings as valid, but it is also important to accept them and let them go. It is not going to help my situation to be bitter at my 22-year-old cousin who is 8 weeks pregnant. But at the same time I don’t have to pretend to be over the moon for her. It does not make me a bad person to be hurting right now, it is a normal reaction and as long as I am aware of it, I am in control.
I feel so much better after last night. I feel like I got all the emotions out and now I am able to try to move forward. We have a plan and I need to concentrate on that. I need to concentrate on working with my body to heal so that we can move forward and help my mind heal.
I’m going to be a mother one day. I’m not going to let the rogue ovary stop me.