Monthly Archives: February 2012

I vant to suck your blood! Oh wait…

I seem to inherit all the bad genes that my family tree has to offer. Infertility, tendency to gain weight easily, acne prone skin, and haemochromatosis.

“What is that?” you may ask, well I will tell you.

It is a genetic disorder where your blood stores too much iron. If left undiagnosed and untreated it can lead to liver disease, liver cancer, heart problems and death. Pretty awesome huh?

It is caused by a mutated gene. Usually in order to inherit the disease you have to receive one mutated gene from each parent. Those with only one gene rarely develop it.

Guess who has 2 thumbs, one gene, and haemochromatosis? THIS GIRL!

I was  around 10 when my dad was diagnosed. Turns out both my grandpa and grandma carry the mutated gene and passed it on to 3 of their 4 children. My dad passed on the gene to me. My mom was tested and does not carry the gene. The chance one of my dad’s children developing it was less than 25%. The chances that a female child would develop it was even less because females menstruate every month which decreases the iron level.

I’m just KILLING the odds.

Anyways I was diagnosed in late 2010, just a few months before we started trying. Treatment is super easy, basically just phlebotomies as needed to thin out the blood. The body doesn’t PRODUCE too much iron, it just stores it. So by letting some blood you clean out the iron and your body makes new healthy blood to replace it. A normal adult has a blood iron level between 12-50. When I was diagnosed my level was around 65. When my dad was diagnosed his were over 200. He had to do phlebotomies every week for almost a year. Still now he has to do it every 6 months to keep it under control. I have had to do one phlebotomy, back when I was first diagnosed. Since then I just do yearly check ups to make sure I’m still good. I had one today. I wasn’t worried about this one based on the surgery and all. Plus I actually have been having cycles so that always helps. My number came back at 18 so I was pretty happy about that. Another year till I have to go back.

For years I’ve had this theory (don’t you love my theories?) that there is a link between haemochromatosis and infertility. Not that I am ignorant enough to blame my lack of baby on that, because I obviously have other issues with PCOS and not ovulating and all, but I still think there is a connection. When my family was diagnosed we had 3 couples struggling to conceive, including my parents. My aunt and uncle had been trying for years and years. They even adopted. The thing is though, once they were all diagnosed and treated…they all got pregnant. Within a year the fertility problems went away and they all had babies.

Coincidence? I think not.

My hemotologist insists there is no correlation between the two, but I call bull. There HAS to be something there. But then again, my blood levels are in the normal range and I’m still having trouble. But I blame that on the ever-present cysts that like to gobble up my ovary(ies) whole.

I am 7, possibly 6, dpo today. I’ve actually maintained a relatively calm attitude during this TWW. Probably because I have no symptoms to spot. None, nada, zilch. I have things that I like to TRY to pretend could possibly be symptoms but I know I am just kidding myself. So basically I am just waiting for AF to show up. It should be due in about 8 days. I am a little too obsessed with my CM however. Just because I am still worried that I have low progesterone, so even if I do get pregnant, I am worried that I will lose it due to low progesterone. So I have been checking my CM to make sure that it seems like progesterone is still in my system. So far so good.  I guess I just need to be happy that my body might kind of be getting into a routine. That is a good thing! Still no expectations this month. I will not test unless I am late. I will not cry when my period starts. Instead I am going to be happy that my body is starting to understand what I need from it. I need eggs! Gimme your eggs!

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7 Comments

Filed under Depression, Infertility, PCOS, Sickness, TWW

What dreams may come

Ever since I’ve gotten married I have had dreams off and on about having a baby. I can’t always remember what happens in the dream but one detail always sticks out…it is a little boy. And in all those dreams it is the same little boy. Sometimes he is older, sometimes he has curly hair like his dad and sometimes it is straight. But his face, eyes and hair color are always the same. He has dimples in his cheeks when he smiles.

I think about him a lot. But in the past 6-9 months the dreams have stopped. In fact I have been longing for them to return because they make me so happy.

Last night he came back to me. He was maybe 4 months old and I had just woken up and gotten up to take care of him. I gave him a bath and wrapped him in a big green towel and then walked to the kitchen to get him a bottle. I found the bottle easily but I could not find the formula. I searched the house high and low but couldn’t find it. I began to think that the nanny (HA!) had moved it somewhere. Then I taught him to wave and say “hi” (my 4 month old genius). Just as the dream was ending my brother and sister-in-law walked in and finally got to meet him (they live far away and I don’t see them very often).

It was a great dream.

He was my baby. He had the name that J and I have picked out for a boy. We talk about names a lot and for the most part can never agree on anything. Especially girls names. But a boy’s name has been picked out for around 6 months. We play with other ones but we always come back to this one. I feel like it is him and that is his name.

Since before we started trying I’ve always believed that we would have a boy first. Maybe because of the dreams, or maybe it is just some kind of intuition. Not to say that I would be disappointed if I had a girl. I would be thrilled, so many cute clothes! But I would be absolutely shocked. Truly, I would question skills of whoever was performing the ultrasound.

Maybe this is why I’ve never completely embraced the idea of adoption. I want to embrace it. I want to go into it head first and never look back. It seems like it would take away a lot of stress from my life because in the end (even though it is not an easy path) there is a baby in my arms. With the current situation I can’t necessarily say the same. But if we do adopt we will adopt trans-racial. That is something I want to do. But then…it won’t be him. I hope that does not sound racist or anything because that is not the issue. I just know it won’t be the same baby from my dreams.

I feel like I am waiting for him. I’m not sure why the dreams came back to me last night but I really needed it. I needed to see what I am waiting for again. Because I was SO happy in that dream. I cuddled him and smelled his little head and it was bliss. I can wait for him. The road is hard and frustrating but that is what I want. I want to be his mommy. I hope he doesn’t keep us waiting too much longer.

20 Comments

Filed under adoption, BABIES!, If you're happy and you know it..., TWW

Too tired to think of a title

Morning time and I are not friends. J and my family all say that I am the grumpiest morning person there is and truthfully they are probably right. I love to sleep and I despise anyone who breaks me out of my reverie. Given that I hate mornings so much I am not sure why I volunteered to work the morning shift this week.

When the kids are out of school we open really early so that they have a place to go if their parents work. I had to be here at 6:45 am meaning in order to be somewhat presentable I had to get up at 5:30am. I wanted to see if I could do it this week as a test to see if I could do it during the summer. They always give me the option but last year I declined and worked the late shift. But the thing is, it is AWESOME to get off at 3:00pm. I have so much time to do things, I can actually make dinner!

So far the test is not going great. The past 2 days I’ve been so tired after getting off that I’ve had to go home, lay on the couch and take a nap. I still have gotten a few things done though. So it remains unseen if I will be able to do it in the summer or not. I think eventually my body would adjust and I could work it out but right now I am so tired.

I’ve been trying to take a no stress attitude towards this week. You see…it is ovulation week. IF my body decides to ovulate. The problem is the past two cycles when I have ovulated there was no monitoring on my part. No temping, no checking CM or cervical position, nothing. However based the length of my cycle I have a bit of an idea on when I ovulated. Both cycles were 35 days long and I usually have a LP of 14 or 15 days. So then I would have ovulated around CD 19 or 20. Also I tend to get really sensitive nips right after ovulation which matched up with CD 20 last month.

Today is CD 20 but I have had sensitive nips for 2 days now. I could have ovulated early however based on my cervical position and CM last night I would guess I would O today. So pretty much I have no idea what is going on. I could be anywhere for 2-3 DPO or I could be due to ovulate today. We are covering our bases and getting down to business this whole week which given my state of tiredness and due to J’s current overtime schedule has been interesting. Hopefully it will pay off with a second line this month.

But if I am being honest…I don’t feel like that will happen.

Not in a depressing way, I just have gotten to the point that it seems like that would be too easy. Have sex a pregnant? HA! My babies don’t come from the stork, they will most likely come from a test tube. So I booked an appointment with an endocrinologist for 2 weeks. I would like to see if we could just regulate my cycles for 6 months or so before starting up fertility meds again. They scare me right now. I’m hoping that for next cycle I can be on metformin, vitamin D, baby aspirin and I will also plan on temping. Time to get serious folks.

18 Comments

Filed under Infertility, PCOS, TWW

Love and Support

I can’t tell you how much the ALI community has meant to me the past 5 months since I joined. The people in this world have become as real to me as the people who I talk to everyday. Even though I have met none of you, you are my friends and I think of all of you often. Sometimes I get so excited or so sad for one of you that I run home and tell J all about what is going on. Because I care about you guys and feel your triumphs and disappointments along with my own.

I kind of avoided the blogging world this weekend. We are going into the week that I should ovulate if my body chooses to cooperate and I have been trying really hard not to obsess about it.

I wish I had logged into my reader sooner.

First thing I saw this morning was that Mo‘s water broke at 23 weeks. They wanted to wait 24 hours to see if the water replenished, but if it did not they were going to induce and the baby would most likely no make it. The posts I saw were from 22 hours ago. I am so sick to my stomach I can’t even describe. I can only hope that no news is good news and hopefully her little boy is hanging on.

If you get a chance stop over and give Mo a little love, she really needs it.

 

EDIT: 2/22/12 – Mo lost her little boy Nadav. Words can not express how heartbroken I am for her. Wishing her and her husband lots of love.

11 Comments

Filed under Infertility, It's not always about me

I’m starting to feel like I belong on People of Walmart…

5 Weeks.

5 Weeks yo, that is how long I have been living my life in sweat pants and yoga pants.

Since the day before the surgery I have not put on a single pair of jeans. At first its was understandable…abdominal surgery, swelling, general feeling of discomfort. Jeans were a no go.

When I went back to work I was grateful for that fact that I work in such a low-key environment and that they didn’t care that I was wearing yoga pants everyday. As long as I was wearing my required work t-shirt and didn’t look completely homeless, it didn’t really matter.

5 weeks later, I’m starting to run out of excuses.

Last week the excuse was that I had broken out in a completely horrible skin rash around all 3 of my incisions and I didn’t want to irritate them further by having the waist band of jeans rubbing against them all day.

Now I’m just starting to look silly.

Every time I step out of the house in my sweat / yoga pants I think about how my sister-in-law told me that my brother called her white trash if she left the house in sweat pants, no matter how much juicy was stamped across her rear end. To be clear – my brother is stupid. Really, I love him, but seriously? Vain and judgmental much?

The older I get the less vain I become. I used to never leave the house without my hair perfectly flat-ironed and makeup expertly applied. I wouldn’t dream of being out in public with my hair tousled and without mascara. AS IF! (Clueless was the best movie ever, don’t deny it.)

Now a days I’m lucky if I get makeup put on at least one of the days during the weekend. Okay I still fix my hair and makeup for work, but the amount of makeup I wear has gone down considerably. On the weekends I throw on a loose t-shirt, brush my hair so at least it looks like it’s not threatening to become the next medusa, and throw some moisturizer on my face. I don’t even care who sees me. They can deal with it.

I can’t decided if this is a good thing or not.

I mean obviously I am at least comfortable enough in my own skin that I don’t care what people think of me, but on the other hand I worry that I’m becoming TOO complacent about my appearance. Maybe J will leave me for a girl who doesn’t walk around the house on a Saturday night with no bra or makeup on and who tells him all about the awkward things going on in her body. So not sexy.

Actually if I am being honest, J is great. He tells me all the time how beautiful I am even if I am not wearing makeup and I am in my sweats. I usually snort in response.

So maybe this week I’ll finally get the motivation to put on some real clothes. I pretty sure all the swelling is gone (I wish I could say that it wasn’t but then I’m just delusional about that fact that poundage around my stomach is actually fat) so I should theoretically be okay to put them on.

Or maybe I’ll just submit myself to the fact that I am way to comfortable in my yoga pants and they will be buried with me. Either or.

8 Comments

Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Living Life, marriage

Infertility and the Television

One thing that I have noticed since officially entering the infertility world is how people who have never had to deal with it perceive what actually goes on and what can be done. I blame a lot of that on television. Before when I was a silly girl, assuming that I would get pregnant easily, I never really thought a whole lot about it. I saw shows where a character couldn’t get pregnant and I thought “that is sad…” and that was it.

When most people think of IVF they think of rich celebrities who use IVF as a way to have children after they have gotten past the ‘normal’ child bearing years. Or maybe for a way for same-sex couples to have babies. And I’ve found that most people have NO idea how much it entails and what a hard process it is.

But I know now. I know so much stuff about infertility that I desperately wish I didn’t. I wish I could go back to the blissfully ignorant girl who thought it was sad when a television show introduced an infertility storyline but didn’t think much more about it.

Now I am just super critical and annoyed by the inaccuracies. Warning I am going to talk about a few popular shows and there will be spoilers. Most of the shows are from seasons a couple of years old or so.

One Tree Hill: I just recently got caught up on this show because they happened to add it to Netflix. In season 8 Brooke goes to the Dr. thinking she is pregnant. Not only does she find out she is not pregnant, but the Dr. tells her that she never will be. Done. Finished. That must be one comprehensive pee stick! I mean wow. She then goes on to tell her boyfriend that she can never have kids and they had no options at all. Really? No injectables? No IVF? Nothing? She makes a point to mention that she has regular periods so I’m finding it pretty hard to believe that nothing can be done.

So they pursue adoption. My anger flairs again when they immediately get chosen. If only it were that easy. So many that have never experienced infertility will ask those of us who have “why don’t you just adopt?”.  It’s not like getting a dog from the pet store. You don’t walk it, find a cute one, and walk away that day. It is a long, expensive process. It is filled with emotional turmoil. My response to that question is “why haven’t YOU adopted?”. Just because I can’t get pregnant at the drop of a hat does not mean I am obligated to adopt. (BTW I am very pro-adoption and have already started filling out adoption applications, I just don’t like when people assume that it is easy or that I, in some way, should adopt because I am infertile). Back to the point they get picked right away and I’m super annoyed. Then there is a slight redemption when the adoption falls through, the birth mother changes her mind. I like this part because it is real. This really happens to couples and it is devastating for them.

At the end of the season she finds out that she is pregnant. It’s a miracle! At first this didn’t bother me until later on when you find out she is pregnant with twins. Once the twins are born it is pretty clear they are not identical either. Meaning she got pregnant from 2 different eggs. So from no options to fraternal twins! Amazing. Okay maybe I’m reaching a bit here but  I  was really bugged by this.

How I Met Your Mother: Okay I know I’ve already done a diatribe on this. But I’m doing it again. Once again we have a female character that believes she is pregnant. (She’s NEVER late, she says) And again, she finds out that not only is she not pregnant, but that she will NEVER be pregnant. Where can I get one of those pee sticks because man, they are amazing! No options, just done. They don’t go into the story anymore expect for saying at the end that she never has kids in the future. Well at least this show stays consistent.

Grey’s Anatomy: At the end of the 6th season Meredith suffers from a miscarriage just hours after finding out she was pregnant. When her and Derek begin to start trying again they seem to immediately go to the RE and are told that she has a hostile uterus and that chances of conception are low. She begins fertility meds which I actually thought was well done. From the rare symptoms, to not wanting to stop treatment because ovulation is close, to sneaking shots in while in the elevator. She even has a scene where she mentions how hard it was to go to another character’s baby shower because it seemed so unfair. Eventually they find a little girl from Africa that they decide to adopt and the story line continues from there. Over all the adoption story line is pretty good, they go through a lot to actually get custody of the baby.

Friends: Monica and Chandler are desperate to have a baby and try for almost a year before seeking out medical help. After seeing a specialist they find that they have both male and female related infertility and the chances of them conceiving naturally are slim. It was a great episode IMO because it was a break from the usually funny story lines and took quite a serious turn. The rest of the series they try to decide how to proceed (surrogate, sperm donor, adoption) and in the series finale the adopt twins.

I know there are more that I am missing but really my brain doesn’t hold a lot of information these days. I think my frustration lies in that either most shows treat infertility as if it is definite…no options to be had except adoption (again, not saying adoption isn’t a great option, it is just not the only option for most people) or they treat it so lightly and never seem to grasp how big of a process it is and how much it affects those that are struggling with it.

1 in 8 couples in the United States struggle with infertility. That is a huge number. Yet we seem to treat it as if it is something shameful. We don’t admit to it, we don’t announce it to the world, rather we hide it deep inside us. I am so guilty of this. I guess my point of this whole rant is that I think that television could really help us out in this aspect. If they were to show what really goes on, the Doctor visits, the money, the lack of insurance, the stress, the depression…it could really help open up the worlds eyes and maybe help us all in the process.

What do you guys think? Are there other shows that made you frustrated? Or is there a show that had a good infertility story line?

20 Comments

Filed under adoption, Infertility, Living Life, questions

All is well in Lefty land

First of all thank all of you for your amazing support the other day. Really your comments helped a lot. I am definitely in a better place about the whole thing and even feeling some excitement for them. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous like crazy and still a little bitter, but I am nowhere near as upset about it as I was. You guys are incredible. Really I feel like you all understand me better than anyone else in my life when it comes to this matter. Your support really means a lot to me.

I had my ultrasound today and it went well. I still have a cyst on good ole’ lefty but it is only 1.9 cm as compared to the 12cm one that ruptured. I also asked the size of my ovary since the right one was over 13cm when it twisted, but it is perfect at an average of 3cm, right where it is supposed to be.

We are cleared to try this month! Whooo! I asked about starting Metformin again but I think my doctor was just as freaked out about what happened to me as I was. She said normally she’d say yes but since we have no idea what caused the ovary to swell so much she would prefer I see an endocrinologist first since she is not very familiar with Metformin. I’m fine with that. I’d really like to see if I ovulate on my own again this month. She was very encouraged about the news that I have had 2 normal cycles in a row and she said chances are good that it will happen again this month. I’m ready for ovulation week now! *starts stretching* I did break out in a small rash around my incisions this week which had me really concerned, but Dr. said it is a delayed allergic reaction to the surgical glue that they used to close me up. She prescribed some higher strength hydrocortisone so hopefully soon I’ll be able to stop scratching my stomach 24/7.

I’m thinking I’ll start researching endocrinologists next week and hopefully get an appointment soon. We decided not to go to Arizona this weekend although it would have been fun. J is kinda piled up on work right now and really feels like he will have to go into work sometime this weekend. I thought about going myself, but I am really not a good driver on long trips (I get drowsy) and I’d be driving mostly at night, so I figured that wasn’t the best idea. It’s okay though. I’m actually going home at the end of March for my best friend’s wedding so I will see my family then. I can’t wait for that.

Looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend, maybe even figure out our Valentines Day plans. Happy Friday everyone!

2 Comments

Filed under Celebration, Living Life, PCOS