In my last post I said I wanted to be more positive and stop whining. That lasted a whole day.
Today I was actually feeling pretty good. I talked to my mom today and she got all excited when I told her that I ovulated 2 months in a row without medication. She was so happy and so convinced that things were gonna start turning around for me. Her excitement was contagious. I got home feeling good. Really good. I even talked to J about the possibility of going to Arizona this weekend since my mom will be there for a singing thing. We would have to drive Friday after work and then drive home on Sunday but I thought it might be kinda fun. Plus my mom has most of the day Saturday free so we could spend some time with her. It’s a 6 hour drive, but we have done much worse.
That is when the happiness ended. I logged on to Facebook (aggghhhh!) and there it was. An announcement that my brother in law and his wife are expecting. Saying I was shocked would be an understatement. I never even considered that they were even thinking about trying. They have no money. Like really. He is a full-time student and works maybe 10 hours a week. She is actually from China and has had a hard time finding work. She is working right now but a crappy job that doesn’t pay well. They are broke.
Don’t get me wrong, I love them. I really really do. They are awesome people and will make great parents. But it was supposed to be us. They were married almost 3 years after us. We are ready for this.
I stared at the screen for a moment and informed J about the new development. Then I sat and stared a min. more. Then I broke down. I have been crying off and on for the past 2 hours, I can’t help it. So then I just feel like the worlds biggest bitch. I LOVE them. They are our family. I should be excited about my new niece or nephew. But every time I think about it I cry. I’m crying right now as I type this. It’s not fair to them that I can’t celebrate their news. That I can’t squee over the fact that a new baby will be joining the family. But its MY turn. Why can’t it be my turn?
I just feel horrible. I feel like a horrible horrible person for having these negative thoughts. I can’t even entirely blame Facebook for this either, it’s not like it was some distant friend that I hardly ever see. I would find out about this regardless. I just feel like I had no warning. I had never considered this. I’m heartbroken and sad.