So much for that

In my last post I said I wanted to be more positive and stop whining. That lasted a whole day.

Today I was actually feeling pretty good. I talked to my mom today and she got all excited when I told her that I ovulated 2 months in a row without medication. She was so happy and so convinced that things were gonna start turning around for me. Her excitement was contagious. I got home feeling good. Really good. I even talked to J about the possibility of going to Arizona this weekend since my mom will be there for a singing thing. We would have to drive Friday after work and then drive home on Sunday but I thought it might be kinda fun. Plus my mom has most of the day Saturday free so we could spend some time with her. It’s a 6 hour drive, but we have done much worse.

That is when the happiness ended. I logged on to Facebook (aggghhhh!) and there it was. An announcement that my brother in law and his wife are expecting. Saying I was shocked would be an understatement. I never even considered that they were even thinking about trying. They have no money. Like really. He is a full-time student and works maybe 10 hours a week. She is actually from China and has had a hard time finding work. She is working right now but a crappy job that doesn’t pay well. They are broke.

Don’t get me wrong, I love them. I really really do. They are awesome people and will make great parents. But it was supposed to be us. They were married almost 3 years after us. We are ready for this.

I stared at the screen for a moment and informed J about the new development. Then I sat and stared a min. more. Then I broke down. I have been crying off and on for the past 2 hours, I can’t help it. So then I just feel like the worlds biggest bitch. I LOVE them. They are our family. I should be excited about my new niece or nephew. But every time I think about it I cry. I’m crying right now as I type this. It’s not fair to them that I can’t celebrate their news. That I can’t squee over the fact that a new baby will be joining the family. But its MY turn. Why can’t it be my turn?

I just feel horrible. I feel like a horrible horrible person for having these negative thoughts. I can’t even entirely blame Facebook for this either, it’s not like it was some distant friend that I hardly ever see. I would find out about this regardless. I just feel like I had no warning. I had never considered this. I’m heartbroken and sad.

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14 Comments

Filed under Depression, Infertility, Just my luck

14 responses to “So much for that

  1. I am so sorry Trisha! I really try not to feel bad anymore when I feel like this, we are human and there are noway we really can affoid feeling like this when someone else is going to have a baby and again not us.

    (hugs) I don’t stop the tears, it makes me feel better so I say cry!!

  2. This is soooo ok. You are allowed to cry, be angry, etc. It is part of the grieving process and in time you will be ready to squeee. Take all the time you need right now. Sending lots of hugs and light.

  3. It’s okay to be upset. Feel what you’re feeling without guilt. You’re not a bitch. You are a caring, deeply feeling human being who is going through something really hard and this kind of news only reminds you of the hard parts. You’ll squee when you’re ready to squee 🙂

  4. ::hug:: Facebook can be so cruel that way. We all have negative feelings about other people’s pregnancies, I guess it comes with the territory. It does not make you a bad person. You will feel happy when you are ready. Our struggles make us stronger, more compassionate, and more thankful. You will be a wonderful aunt *and* a wonderful mother.

  5. I know how bad that stings. Shed the guilt and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel!

  6. I know. Such a roller coaster this ride is. I have those same thoughts of “It was supposed to be us”. You aren’t a bad person. I hope…because then I’d be horrible! Hugs.

  7. Don’t feel bad for your terrible thoughts, believe me we’ve ALL had them. I’m very sorry that you had to get this news from Facebook, that seems very very insensitive from a close family member. Feel whatever you need to feel to get through this and don’t feel bad about it!

  8. I all honesty, even if we love the person(s), surprise pregnancy announcements are always (and probably will always be) hard. Part of it has to do with the fact that we’re working so hard for something many other people can doing without a second thought. The other part is that these are triggers. So stop beating yourself up. You’re reaction is completely normal. And I’m sure that once you’ve cried it out and let everything sink in, you’ll be amazing at supporting BIL and his wife.

    I hope the trip to Arizona is wonderful and relaxing.

  9. You are NOT a horrible person. I felt and still feel the same way when my brother in law told us they were expecting. It still hurts just to think about it so don’t feel guilty. Take the time to cry. Sending you big HUGS.

  10. I think they owed you an in-person, or at least, annoucement by phone before they blurted it out on Facebook. When will people ever learn?

    Don’t feel bad for what you are feeling. You can still love them but feel sad for yourself. I think it is only natural.

  11. Ugh so sorry. Pregnancy announcements are always difficult. Especially the closer they are to you. Your response is natural.

    Sending you big hugs.

  12. You are allowed to feel angry and sad about this. I know it’s counter intuitive, but all of us here understand how real this is.

  13. nothingifnotoptimistic

    Oh Trisha, I am so sorry.
    It is always a heart wrenching thing to hear about another pregnancy when it is something you want so bad. When my sister in law announced her pregnancy on facebook, I literally felt my heart seize in my chest and the tears were running down my face before I even registered that I was crying. And then the guilt of being an awful, horrible human being set in and made everything worse. But it’s not your fault, it’s not any of our faults. It just is. It hurts and it doesn’t get easier. It gets easier to mask that moment of heartbreak, but the feeling deep down is the same.
    Maybe Mr. Zuckerburg can figure out a way to screen pregnancy announcements. Keep your chin up and remember you are strong and beautiful and will be a wonderful mother one day. 🙂

  14. I’m happy to have found your blog, and I’m even happier for this post. I understand why you felt awful about crying upon hearing your brother’s happy news, but the fact that you admitted that in your blog post made me feel a little less awful for doing THE EXACT SAME THING.

    I’ll be following your path and am sending you lots of positive thoughts.

    Thanks for writing.

    -V.

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