Ever since I’ve gotten married I have had dreams off and on about having a baby. I can’t always remember what happens in the dream but one detail always sticks out…it is a little boy. And in all those dreams it is the same little boy. Sometimes he is older, sometimes he has curly hair like his dad and sometimes it is straight. But his face, eyes and hair color are always the same. He has dimples in his cheeks when he smiles.
I think about him a lot. But in the past 6-9 months the dreams have stopped. In fact I have been longing for them to return because they make me so happy.
Last night he came back to me. He was maybe 4 months old and I had just woken up and gotten up to take care of him. I gave him a bath and wrapped him in a big green towel and then walked to the kitchen to get him a bottle. I found the bottle easily but I could not find the formula. I searched the house high and low but couldn’t find it. I began to think that the nanny (HA!) had moved it somewhere. Then I taught him to wave and say “hi” (my 4 month old genius). Just as the dream was ending my brother and sister-in-law walked in and finally got to meet him (they live far away and I don’t see them very often).
It was a great dream.
He was my baby. He had the name that J and I have picked out for a boy. We talk about names a lot and for the most part can never agree on anything. Especially girls names. But a boy’s name has been picked out for around 6 months. We play with other ones but we always come back to this one. I feel like it is him and that is his name.
Since before we started trying I’ve always believed that we would have a boy first. Maybe because of the dreams, or maybe it is just some kind of intuition. Not to say that I would be disappointed if I had a girl. I would be thrilled, so many cute clothes! But I would be absolutely shocked. Truly, I would question skills of whoever was performing the ultrasound.
Maybe this is why I’ve never completely embraced the idea of adoption. I want to embrace it. I want to go into it head first and never look back. It seems like it would take away a lot of stress from my life because in the end (even though it is not an easy path) there is a baby in my arms. With the current situation I can’t necessarily say the same. But if we do adopt we will adopt trans-racial. That is something I want to do. But then…it won’t be him. I hope that does not sound racist or anything because that is not the issue. I just know it won’t be the same baby from my dreams.
I feel like I am waiting for him. I’m not sure why the dreams came back to me last night but I really needed it. I needed to see what I am waiting for again. Because I was SO happy in that dream. I cuddled him and smelled his little head and it was bliss. I can wait for him. The road is hard and frustrating but that is what I want. I want to be his mommy. I hope he doesn’t keep us waiting too much longer.