Moving on

I fully planned on coming on here to write a ‘woe is me’ type post. Today while we were at a friend’s house I started spotting. Not a lot, but that in conjunction with the mild cramps that are starting to come on, I know my period is on its way. I held my cool for a bit and whispered in J’s ear what was going on and that I didn’t want to stay much longer. We finished up our game and headed to the car where I burst into tears. I was right about feeling stupid because I really really thought this was the month. Even with the negative test yesterday. My breasts are still sore, which I mentioned, never happens to me. I thought this month was different. I felt different.

But that doesn’t change the fact that I should be on CD 1 within 48 hours. I should be happy because this is the 3rd month in a row that I’ve had a relatively normal cycle without any medical intervention. That is huge for someone with PCOS. But of course it’s hard to see the light when you feel so dark.

J wanted to go exercise and at first I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go with him, but I did. I figured I could work out some of my anger by pushing myself and listening to angry music. It worked really well at first, although I am sure I am going to be regretting it tomorrow since the only activity I’ve done since the surgery is light walking, but I did it. My iPod came on a song I love and although it was not angry I decided to listen to it.

The Cave by Mumford and Sons

It’s empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you’ve left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I’ll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker’s land

So make your siren’s call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it’s meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

I sat and listened to it and started crying all over again. But not a sad cry, well I guess I was sad, but I also felt like I could overcome this sadness. To me this song is so empowering which I needed much more than some angry, emo lyrics. So I’m choosing right now to find strength in my pain. To live my life as it’s meant to be.

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9 Comments

Filed under Depression, Infertility, PCOS, TWW

9 responses to “Moving on

  1. *HUGS* 😦 I hate PCOS!!! Why is it that everyone makes it sound like PCOS-ers get pregnant relatively easy??? Every book you pick up says that we usually go on to have kids eventually, but when your in the thick of it, it doesn’t seem like that will be the case.

    You are right, this is how your life is meant to be. Its all for a reason, and one day it will all come together when you look in your precious child’s eyes. Kudos for coping and finding strength.

    Your not alone in this!

  2. AJ

    I love that song. After my miscarriage I would listen to it on repeat on the way to and from work…and it really helped me get through those really tough days. And I would repeat to myself….and I’ll hold on hope! Hang in there!!

  3. Woot for getting a period without meds!!!

  4. I’m sorry about CD1, but I am glad you got AF without meds. How great of you to find strength in your pain!

  5. 😦 I’m so sorry. But I echo the other commenters – getting a period without medication (and evidence that you ovulated, too!) is pretty amazing for PCOS, and three times in a row!!! Plus with a relatively normal LP, these are all great things. It is small consolation in the moment, though.

  6. This song makes me cry too, but always in a good way. It’s filled with so much hope and promises of a better tomorrow.

    I’m so sorry that you are back at CD1. I agree with HRF that getting a period without meds is huge! But I also know the sting of believing this cycle was the one and having it come out otherwise. Take care of yourself.

  7. Shit on it. I was holding out so much hope for you. Finding strength is a lot harder than succumbing to the sadness- I’m proud of you (for what its worth).

  8. I’m sorry hon. It is good news though that your cycle is regulating by itself! Keep listening to your music. I know it is healing to me.

  9. Trying to focus on the positive stuff, like a regular cycle without meds, is very hard to do… Especially on CD1 when your heart is hurting so much. But it’s so important and a necessary part of taking care of yourself. So here’s to making positive thoughts and inspirational music the soundtrack to your life right now!

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