Taking off my gumpy pants

courtesy pintrest

So I haven’t been doing to well the past few days. Maybe I can blame it on my period or maybe I can just admit that I am having a rough time for some reason. I feel like my emotions are bubbling on the edge and the slightest tilt in the wrong direction will cause me to spill over. Work has been…well challenging lately. There are just times that everyone seems to want everything from me all at once. I get pulled in a million different ways and it takes all the patience I can muster up to keep calm in the moment. When the moment is over I am left in a bad mood. I’m frustrated, tired and annoyed.

Yesterday I actually had a good day at work though, everything ran really smoothly for the most part, but when I got home I once again got knocked off-balance. First thing that happened was I was really motivated to go work out, which lately has been rare for me, but I really wanted to do some good cardio and work up a sweat. We got to the exercise room and all the machines were taken. The only thing left was the bike (which does not provide me the workout I was looking for) or weights. So I got really annoyed. I admit I pouted a more than what was necessary. I did yoga with J but still felt unsatisfied. After that I started feeling really really bloated. Like painful bloated. That I do blame on the period. But it made my cup spill even more emotion out. Finally before bed I went in search for my thermometer so that I could start charting for this cycle. The stupid  thing seriously disappeared. I went on a rampage searching high and low but could not find it. By this point I was feeling crappy anyways but this pushed me to the edge. I was so mad that I could not find that one little thing. I went to bed in a very sour mood which I regret because my mood affects J too. I need to try harder to remember that.

I just get so tired of living my life in 2 week periods. First I’m waiting on pins and needles to see if I’ll ovulate then if I do, I spend 2 weeks living like I am pregnant only to be disappointed in the end and having to start all over again. At work there is a constant reminder that most people have no problem achieving what I long for so badly. They walk in to pick up the kids that they already have with big pregnant bellies telling me that I am lucky I don’t have to deal with balancing children yet. Maybe that is a little vicious, for all I know they struggled too, but it sure does not seem like it. It is and endless parade of swollen bellies that all seem to have the tagline “haha you’ll never have one of these sucker!”

See what I mean about being in a bad place?

I think I need to go back to my therapist. I haven’t been in almost 2 months because I thought I was doing well but I am starting to realize that I am like Humpty Dumpty sitting on the wall. When I’m up there enjoying the breeze and listening to the birds I am great. But then one gust of wind comes along and knocks me down and I am in pieces.

I’m going to try harder though. I need to do what I can to be positive not only for myself but for my marriage. It isn’t fair to him and I know that. I know he deserves a wife that he is not constantly having to pick up off the floor and fix. I want to do better. I am deciding today that they grumpy pants are coming off. They are uncomfortable and do not flatter me at all. Everyday that I wake up I am going to choose to wear something different, something happier. Maybe disco pants.

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14 Comments

Filed under Depression, Infertility, Living Life, marriage

14 responses to “Taking off my gumpy pants

  1. You sound like my wife when we went through our journey. It is very normal to sort of resent other pregnant women. My wife would get furious with women that were pregnant but did not seem like they appreciated what was happening. My wife thought I deserved a wife that was not “broke” (her words not mine) but the fact is and was that I love her and better or worse means exactly that. I am going to post your blog on my FB TTC page Infertility News You Can Use. I am trying to build a support page for bloggers of infertility. If you want I will remove it. My wordpress infertility page is Sunshine Dreams and Hopes. I look forward to following your journey and wish you the best. We finally got lucky but it was a journey painted in tears. Please feel free to post you page or blogs on the Facebook page anytime you like.

  2. 35life

    I’m so sorry you’re going through a rough time. It’s so true that you never know when they’ll hit and it is exhausting living life in increments while watching constant reminders all around you. I often wonder if I should start seeing a counselor when I get to those really “dark” places. Hang in there!

  3. I wish I could afford to go to therapy. I went once and it was really great. I try to remember what she said since I probably won’t get to go back.

    One thing she told me is that we need to stop setting ourselves up. Like living like you’re pregnant for two weeks. Or getting excited that an EDD is on your DH’s birthday. And ESPECIALLY, buying baby stuff. We need to have a “Wait and see” attitude.

    Will I ovulate this month? Ill just have to wait and see? Will this IUI/IVF/FET work? We’ll just have to wait and see. It puts you in a much better place emotionally – not having so many ups and downs. It keeps you more on an even keel.

    She also asked me if I thought infertility had taken anything away from me, really. Do I still believe that I am a good singer, photographer, wife? Can I do other things well? I know the answer is yes. And if you could say yes its more grief than depression – but if you start feeling completely worthless and you aren’t the same person any more that is a sign of depression.

    I can totally relate with everything you said. It comes in waves, the bad days. I was a COMPLETE wreck 3 weeks ago, but Im doing good right now. I hope you find a happy resting place soon.

  4. I am sorry you are going through this. I so wish I could take it all away. I really like what Mrs. Rochester said about taking the “wait and see” attitude. I like this so much that I might write it on my bathroom mirror as a reminder. I hope that tomorrow brings a cheerier pair of pants and if, by chance, they are disco pants, you must take a photo 🙂

  5. It is a big step to start trying to make yourself happier. I am so glad you are doing it! You should be very proud of yourself! I am taking things one day at a time. Adding things one by one to get back on track. Good Luck! I am rooting for you! And yes, if you are wearing disco pants at any point you need to take a pic!!!

  6. EmHart

    I think it is great you are trying on a new pair of pants (that sounds strange to me as I would say trousers! lol). I find I can only take it day by day but having a mental image like that really helps focus me on pulling myself out of the funk.

  7. I think putting on a new pair of pants (especially disco ones) now and then sounds like a wonderful idea! Both metaphorically and literally (to me, a little retail therapy often does wonders for my mood…but I know that’s not for everyone, and is far from a lasting solution). My therapist is always on me about living in the moment, too… and there is something to that. It just takes a lot of practice to get good at staying put in the here and now.
    I hope tomorrow is a better day for you, come what may.

  8. I feel like I’m in precisely the same place as you right now. I’d been doing quite well for the last few months, and then this last BFN sent me tumbling. All the kings horses and all the kings men… wait, but they can, they can put us together again. Humpty was a weak little egg-man whereas we are strong women that, somehow, are able to keep getting up.

  9. P.S. I have a pair of hot-pants sitting in my closet. I’ll have to try them on and see if they still fit.

  10. I’ve been thinking myself about going to a therapist. It took me much longer to get out of the last period induced funk than it usually does. Infertility sucks like that. I hope things get better for you….

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