So I haven’t been doing to well the past few days. Maybe I can blame it on my period or maybe I can just admit that I am having a rough time for some reason. I feel like my emotions are bubbling on the edge and the slightest tilt in the wrong direction will cause me to spill over. Work has been…well challenging lately. There are just times that everyone seems to want everything from me all at once. I get pulled in a million different ways and it takes all the patience I can muster up to keep calm in the moment. When the moment is over I am left in a bad mood. I’m frustrated, tired and annoyed.
Yesterday I actually had a good day at work though, everything ran really smoothly for the most part, but when I got home I once again got knocked off-balance. First thing that happened was I was really motivated to go work out, which lately has been rare for me, but I really wanted to do some good cardio and work up a sweat. We got to the exercise room and all the machines were taken. The only thing left was the bike (which does not provide me the workout I was looking for) or weights. So I got really annoyed. I admit I pouted a more than what was necessary. I did yoga with J but still felt unsatisfied. After that I started feeling really really bloated. Like painful bloated. That I do blame on the period. But it made my cup spill even more emotion out. Finally before bed I went in search for my thermometer so that I could start charting for this cycle. The stupid thing seriously disappeared. I went on a rampage searching high and low but could not find it. By this point I was feeling crappy anyways but this pushed me to the edge. I was so mad that I could not find that one little thing. I went to bed in a very sour mood which I regret because my mood affects J too. I need to try harder to remember that.
I just get so tired of living my life in 2 week periods. First I’m waiting on pins and needles to see if I’ll ovulate then if I do, I spend 2 weeks living like I am pregnant only to be disappointed in the end and having to start all over again. At work there is a constant reminder that most people have no problem achieving what I long for so badly. They walk in to pick up the kids that they already have with big pregnant bellies telling me that I am lucky I don’t have to deal with balancing children yet. Maybe that is a little vicious, for all I know they struggled too, but it sure does not seem like it. It is and endless parade of swollen bellies that all seem to have the tagline “haha you’ll never have one of these sucker!”
See what I mean about being in a bad place?
I think I need to go back to my therapist. I haven’t been in almost 2 months because I thought I was doing well but I am starting to realize that I am like Humpty Dumpty sitting on the wall. When I’m up there enjoying the breeze and listening to the birds I am great. But then one gust of wind comes along and knocks me down and I am in pieces.
I’m going to try harder though. I need to do what I can to be positive not only for myself but for my marriage. It isn’t fair to him and I know that. I know he deserves a wife that he is not constantly having to pick up off the floor and fix. I want to do better. I am deciding today that they grumpy pants are coming off. They are uncomfortable and do not flatter me at all. Everyday that I wake up I am going to choose to wear something different, something happier. Maybe disco pants.