Hi! I’m Paranoid!

I over-react. I’m a drama queen.

I know this.

But that doesn’t stop the part of my brain from jumping into overdrive when I feel like there is something going on. During this last TWW I had a lot of small pains and twinges in my lower abdomen. Of course at the time I was excited for them. I was sure that they were implantation cramps and then a little embryo getting all snug as a bug in my uterus.

HA! Dream on Trish!

So now that I have been thrown back into reality with the cruel arrival CD1, I am worried about the pains. I’m worried because I am so bloated that it is painful to sit or lay down. My stomach is distended.

Please, don’t let this happen again!

I got so scared that the small cyst on my left ovary had grown to a monster of epic proportions and that I was once again going to end up lying in an E.R. bed wondering why I didn’t see it coming. I fought it for a few days, telling myself that I was being silly, but eventually the crazy won out and I called my doctor yesterday morning and requested an ultrasound as soon as possible.

They were able to squeeze me in quickly so I walked into the office with my tail between my legs feeling ashamed that I wasn’t stronger. I once again sat in the little room, stripped waist down and covered with a pink paper sheet, listening to the sounds of the heartbeats of other people’s babies through the walls. One might think that I secretly love like Mr. Dildo Cam, maybe this is a new fetish. To my doctor’s credit she is great. She never makes me feel like I am crazy for needing the reassurance scans.

I saw the lovely empty space where Righty used to occupy and then I saw good old Lefty. I was suddenly relieved. It is something kind of scary that after having so many of these scans that you pretty much know what you are looking for. I immediately knew everything was fine. The cyst has in fact gone down in size. A month ago when I had my last scan it was 2.1 cm, yesterday it was 1.3. HUGE relief. In fact the number of small cysts have even gone down. Lefty is perfect in every way (well except for the whole covered in cysts thing, but I digress).

I feel like a huge weight has been taken off of my shoulders. I’ve been worried that the hormones that have been accompanying my much appreciated ovulation could possibly cause these cysts to inflame, but my worry was all for not. Dr. said that the pains I have been experiencing are most likely just simply, ovulation pains. I’m just not used to ovulating so I haven’t known what to expect or what is normal.

So that is the story of how I lost my mind. But really I am glad I went because at least now I know what to expect. Is it possible to have PTSD from something as silly as a surgery? Because at times I am convinced that is what is going on with me. Or maybe I’m just looking for something that makes me appear somewhat sane. I guess sanity is over-rated anyways.

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13 Comments

Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Infertility, PCOS

13 responses to “Hi! I’m Paranoid!

  1. I am SURE I would be reacting the same way. Glad Lefty is ok!

  2. I think it’s awesome that you advocated for yourself and just checked it out. If you hadn’t and it had been something to worry about, you wouldn’t forgive yourself for not checking. Hang in there!

  3. So glad you went to the doctor, I say rather be save than sorry. You have been through so much already. Take care of yourself, always

  4. Sounds more cautious than paranoid! And that’s a good thing! Glad you got to have that SOR (sigh of relief)!

  5. Girl, if I had lost an ovary, I’d be doing the same thing you did. Sure, there are people out there who probably do get too paranoid, but only you know your body and I wouldn’t be taking chances. Glad everything is ok though!

  6. Yea I was freaking out a bit with ovulation pain. I have never really experienced it before. It was such a strange feeling. Glad you got checked out though. Glad Lefty is doing well!

  7. M

    I’m glad everything is okay!

  8. Glad things look good. A little reassurance to cut down on stress and worry is worth the trip to the doctor. When you have had so many problems it is not paranoid it is simply realistically cautious.

  9. Hi Paranoid, I’m Crazy. Nice to meet you. Not sure if you remember a few weeks ago when I was 1000% sure I’d already ovulated before my IUI? Yeah, a quick date with the dildo-cam set me straight. I wonder how much one of those things costs because the comfort it gives (emotional, not physical) is probably worth every penny. Wanna go in on one with me?

    • Stellar idea Crazy! Then I could feed my addiction for Mr. Dildo Cam everyday! Besides, we are already pros! Who needs some fancy medical degree to read one of those things, not us! Maybe we could even open up a business with it…

      • Ooooooh! Like, we could have a little kiosk at the mall? Every scan would include a side of popcorn. Gosh, every infertile in SoCal would LOVE US. I think we’re onto something P.

  10. YES. It is possible to have PTSD from a surgery, and I wouldn’t call it “silly” what you went through. That was scary as hell, even just to read about it. Your reaction this time is totally normal. Anyone who experienced what you did would feel the same way, in fact many people would probably be more scared/crazy than what it sounds like you were feeling. So glad to hear everything was okay 🙂

  11. Pingback: I’m not the world’s greatest thinker |

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