Do you ever have things that you want to say, but you are afraid to say them? Afraid that if you actually let those thoughts and emotions out into the world that they will forever change who you are? Because once they are out there, you can’t take them back. They are forever.
I’m scared to say them, but I feel like I have to. That I will never be able to move forward until I let them break free.
I don’t talk about religion on here. Mostly because I feel that it is a very personal subject and it has no bearing on my on-line identity. It can be a sticky subject. All that really needs to be said that I was raised religious, the particular religion does not matter. Through the course of my life I have had my ups and downs with organized religion. But I have always had my own beliefs. Beliefs in a higher power that even though J and I do not actively go to church right now.
This past year, little by little, pieces of my faith have been chipped away. Slowly at first and then gradually so much was chipped away that I feel as if I am about to crumble apart at any minute. My mom has the most simple faith. She just believes. For me it has never been easy. When I was a teenager I used to pretend it was easy, mostly in order to feel like I belonged, but I’ve always questioned and had my doubts. As an adult I have accepted that is how it will be for me, I’ve accepted that for now at least, I can’t have all the answers.
But I still had faith. Faith that God would help me through the trials and tribulations in my life. Faith that if I was a good person than good things would eventually come my way. I was not naive, I knew life was never going to be easy and that there would always be challenges, but I felt that I could get through them.
Things change… I’ve changed.
I am no longer the person who sees light at the end of the tunnel, instead I only see blackness. The blackness has just become a part of my life, I accept that I have to live in the darkness. Eventually my eyes may adjust so that I can survive in the tunnel but I will never be comfortable that way, my eyes will always long for the light.
I’m angry. But I’m not just angry…I’m angry at God.
There I said it. It’s out there.
I feel betrayed and lost. Like the one thing I thought I could depend on was snatched out of my grip. I watch as friends and family so easily achieve what I long for most and the anger rises. Why not me? Why can’t it be my turn? What did I do to deserve this pain?
I lay in bed Sunday night unable to sleep. It was a normal weekend, nothing of importance happened. No births or announcements, but all of a sudden I just felt sad. Sad that I have so many people around me expecting and I can’t be excited for them because I’m too busy being angry. Most of the time I feel absolutely sick to my stomach when I think about these people because I am so jealous that I have started poisoning myself with it.
I’m so angry it’s not me.
My mom has always said that I need to pray for strength to get through this and in the past I have tried. But that night I couldn’t bring myself to do it because it felt fake. I couldn’t sit and pretend that I am okay with my relationship with God right now, because really how could I be okay when I feel like this? It would be a lie. It’s the same reason I have not been able to go to church during this, if I did it would feel like I was doing it for the wrong reasons, that I was going because I felt that maybe if I did, if I did what God wanted, then maybe He’d give me a baby. But that is not okay. I wouldn’t be doing it because I wanted to be there, I would only be doing it for personal gain. I can’t feel like a hypocrite on top of all the other feelings that I have going on right now. I won’t do it.
I don’t know where to go from here. I know this is something I should really be talking to my therapist about and I do have an appointment with her tomorrow so hopefully I can get up the courage to be honest about what is going on in my mind. I still find it so hard to remove the mask. I don’t like to admit how screwed up I am. I don’t like when people look at me with that look that clearly states that I am broken.
But I am. I have become broken in every aspect of my life and I am scared to death that I will never be able to mend the pieces back together. I’m scared and angry. So, so angry.