Things unsaid

Do you ever have things that you want to say, but you are afraid to say them? Afraid that if you actually let those thoughts and emotions out into the world that they will forever change who you are? Because once they are out there, you can’t take them back. They are forever.

I’m scared to say them, but I feel like I have to. That I will never be able to move forward until I let them break free.

I don’t talk about religion on here. Mostly because I feel that it is a very personal subject and it has no bearing on my on-line identity. It can be a sticky subject. All that really needs to be said that I was raised religious, the particular religion does not matter. Through the course of my life I have had my ups and downs with organized religion. But I have always had my own beliefs. Beliefs in a higher power that even though J and I do not actively go to church right now.

This past year, little by little, pieces of my faith have been chipped away. Slowly at first and then gradually so much was chipped away that I feel as if I am about to crumble apart at any minute. My mom has the most simple faith. She just believes. For me it has never been easy. When I was a teenager I used to pretend it was easy, mostly in order to feel like I belonged, but I’ve always questioned and had my doubts. As an adult I have accepted that is how it will be for me, I’ve accepted that for now at least, I can’t have all the answers.

But I still had faith. Faith that God would help me through the trials and tribulations in my life. Faith that if I was a good person than good things would eventually come my way. I was not naive, I knew life was never going to be easy and that there would always be challenges, but I felt that I could get through them.

Things change… I’ve changed.

I am no longer the person who sees light at the end of the tunnel, instead I only see blackness. The blackness has just become a part of my life, I accept that I have to live in the darkness. Eventually my eyes may adjust so that I can survive in the tunnel but I will never be comfortable that way, my eyes will always long for the light.

I’m angry. But I’m not just angry…I’m angry at God.

There I said it. It’s out there.

I feel betrayed and lost. Like the one thing I thought I could depend on was snatched out of my grip. I watch as friends and family so easily achieve what I long for most and the anger rises. Why not me? Why can’t it be my turn? What did I do to deserve this pain?

I lay in bed Sunday night unable to sleep. It was a normal weekend, nothing of importance happened. No births or announcements, but all of a sudden I just felt sad. Sad that I have so many people around me expecting and I can’t be excited for them because I’m too busy being angry. Most of the time I feel absolutely sick to my stomach when I think about these people because I am so jealous that I have started poisoning myself with it.

I’m so angry it’s not me.

My mom has always said that I need to pray for strength to get through this and in the past I have tried. But that night I couldn’t bring myself to do it because it felt fake. I couldn’t sit and pretend that I am okay with my relationship with God right now, because really how could I be okay when I feel like this? It would be a lie. It’s the same reason I have not been able to go to church during this, if I did it would feel like I was doing it for the wrong reasons, that I was going because I felt that maybe if I did, if I did what God wanted, then maybe He’d give me a baby. But that is not okay. I wouldn’t be doing it because I wanted to be there, I would only be doing it for personal gain. I can’t feel like a hypocrite on top of all the other feelings that I have going on right now. I won’t do it.

I don’t know where to go from here. I know this is something I should really be talking to my therapist about and I do have an appointment with her tomorrow so hopefully I can get up the courage to be honest about what is going on in my mind. I still find it so hard to remove the mask. I don’t like to admit how screwed up I am. I don’t like when people look at me with that look that clearly states that I am broken.

But I am. I have become broken in every aspect of my life and I am scared to death that I will never be able to mend the pieces back together. I’m scared and angry. So, so angry.

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15 Comments

Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Depression, Infertility, Living Life

15 responses to “Things unsaid

  1. You’ve said it, you’ve let those words break free. Now, maybe, you can start picking up those pieces of you that have been chipped away by this battle you have faced and continue to face and put yourself back together a little bit. Anger is a valid emotion. Congratulations on letting yourself feel your feelings and thank you for having the courage to put it out there.

  2. Tami

    I really wish that we were close so I could run over and wrap my arms tightly around you. We could be quietly sad together. What is behind the mask is what draws me to you- not away.

    I’m not one of those people that believe things happen for a reason. Rather, I believe things happen because they happen. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still bitter- but it makes it easier not to look for someone to blame: be it God or any divinity.

    Not a single one of us will be able to help answer this for you, but being able to say these things out loud into the universe, and to yourself, is important. However, I can guarantee that none of us will judge you for it.

  3. I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way. I was there once too and still take trips back there every now and then. (LOL) There were a few things that really helped me out of that funk for good. First, I read this terribly sad book called The Shack. Why would you want to read a sad book? you ask? Well, it gave me the answer I was looking for to that “why me?” question we ask God. Why did this happen to me instead of someone else? What did I do to deserve this? Both answered in that book. It rocked my world. The second thing was going to a community group, and even though the people in there are sometimes more trouble than it’s worth, one thing (of many) I learned in that group was how to pray. Not “how-to” exactly but just getting a better understanding of God and what to really ask for. Most of the time, more than anything else, I pray for peace for my situation. I also often pray for understanding and for God to reveal the purpose he may have for my life. It’s ok to be angry. I think you have a right to your feelings and it’s important for you to feel validated. But I think ultimately, what I decided was that I could only take so much self-induced negativity and it’s taking a LOT of practice, but if I can’t have what I want, then I’m going to spend time wanting what I already have, enjoying life, and trying to focus on the positive. It’s not easy at first, but it’s a lot less exhausting that holding on to that anger when it just does you no good. You are not screwed up, and people don’t know squat about you if they look at you like you’re broken. If nothing else, you have awesome hair! I know my words aren’t going to be enough to change your life instantly, or even at all, but I hope I can encourage you to hold on to hope for just a little longer. In the meantime, I’ll be praying for peace for the both of us!

  4. Sometimes its just saying it out loud that matters and you did just that. When the anger and emptiness consume us, it really doesn’t feel like there is ever a way out. And we can’t just be fixed with a band-aide and feel everything is okay. I actually just wrote about my experience of depression today for the first time in front of a large audience. I know when you’re stuck in the middle of it, it can feel like you are drowning, and life is being sucked right out of you.

    I’ve always believed in God too, and during my depression God was the farthest from me. In fact it was a completely empty relationship. But I kept praying. And asking for help. And it took a really long time for the answer to come, and when it did it wasn’t at all like I expected. And what followed was a journey, and still is. Every day I work at healing. This has been a journey of all most 3 years now for me.

    Something that has helped me gain some sort of strength: Have you ever had times in your life, where you felt God wasn’t there for you, and then somehow God showed up? If yes, go there when you can and gather strength from remembering. If there is a God, and I believe there is, I think God had us meet each other today. Even when we feel forgotten, somehow God sneaks back up to say, “Here I am.” You aren’t alone on your journey.
    Thank you for allowing me and others to accompany you.

    And to the best of your ability, be gentle with you. It has been my saving grace.

    Blessings to you today and every day, Erin, Bella Bleue

  5. I’ve felt that before. I still do sometimes. Unfortunately I don’t really have any good advice because I can’t find a comfortable place to be in my faith, either. I keep saying I want to find a church but never have, and it’s probably because of some anger issues I have as well.
    I hope you can talk to your therapist about it, but if not, you always have us.

  6. Trisha – I can so relate – I have absolutely been there. ((hugs))

  7. I get angry too.

    I believe…for sure. But it still doesn’t keep me from getting angry at this situation. Its not fair. It sucks. Why, if God has predestined everything, did He choose this path for me?

    I just want to be able to be normal, and I am jealous of those that are. But normal people suffer. Normal people go through hard times one way or another…I am really jealous because I perceive their life as PERFECT. But that is simply not true. No one’s life is perfect.

    I do think there is probably a reason I’m going through this, but that doesn’t help my anger so I try not to think about it (until its over at least lol).

    I don’t know what faith you were brought up with, but my faith says that God sacrificed His only Son…let Him die – for me. For stuff I did. When I think about it that way it’s hard to stay angry.

    It’s ok to be angry though. It’s normal…and we have to stop beating ourselves up for being jealous and having moments where we lack faith. God made you a human. It is ok to be emotional about this. (I have to tell myself this all the time).

    Love ya girl 🙂

  8. I think my sister is still angry at God over the loss of her triplets. And I really think its okay to be angry. Its good that you let those words out – own them so they can’t own you. Even some of the most faithful and devout in the bible experienced despair and the feeling that God had simply let go of them. We all have to reconcile our faith and our IF experience in our own way – I hope that with time you can find peace, whatever that means. And never, never be afraid to open up about those things. We’re not going anywhere just because you show us the darkness. I think a lot of us are here *because* you share it, and it helps us feel less alone in *our* darkness.

  9. peg

    I totally get that feeling. I was raised in a religious family as well. Every week we were at church, we were involved in the church community. I always went back and forth over religion as an adult. I believed that something was out there, but I wasn’t sure what, then would fully believe in God, then I believed in nothing… back and forth, etc. Since TTC hit year two, I have started to lose a lot of faith. How can I believe that a god of any sort would allow a crack-addicted woman to have a baby that she will abuse and neglect, but will not allow me to have a child who would be cherished and loved so much. It just makes no sense at all. I got to the point where I had my husband tell my inlaws that I wouldn’t be going to church at Christmas… end of story. Nothing more was said. I just couldn’t go celebrate someone who had left me so abandoned.

    ICLW #24

  10. I could have wrote this months ago. That is the reason I started seeing a therapist. I went to my pastor and told him about what I have been going through and how I felt like I was losing my faith. He told me I could talk to him anytime and also gave me my therapists name who actually goes to my church. I know for me talking about it helped. It is still a work in progress. I hope you can talk to your therapist and work through things. Find whatever path to make you happy. Thank you for being so brave and truthful and sharing.

  11. babysocks2008

    Hi there. Your thoughts rang so true to me. I started doubting the faith in the late teens and have never been able to wholly reclaim it. I so understand what you mean by feeling fake because I felt like an outside/poser the few times I went into a church to say a prayer about TTC.
    When I get worked up about god/religion/feeling abandoned I seek comfort from the fact that I live in a time where medical intervention can help couples like us. It wasn’t so long ago that there was no hope for the infertile. Just my two pennies. Good luck with your journey. xx

  12. This resonates so strongly with me. I am angry too. I know it feels so terrible and wrong to admit that you are mad at God. I wish I could remember the source, but not long ago I read something that basically said that God never said you couldn’t be angry with him. That has helped me, in one way to relieve that guilt, but it also helped because I just really started being honest with God when I was feeling like that. I just tell him, Look, I’m angry, I don’t understand why you aren’t letting us have a kid, and I whine some more. But I usually end it with something like asking God to help me have faith and to trust him and not to feel so angry. I can’t say that any miracles have been worked since I started doing this, but I do feel better, like less fake with God. And isn’t honesty an important part of any relationship?

    I am not super religious. I grew up religious and now I call myself more spiritual. I have my beliefs, but I don’t belong to a church. I go to a few churches near my house when I feel like I want to, but I just haven’t found that right place for me. And I have felt so estranged from God during various times in my life. Now being one of them. Admitting in my prayers my anger at him and my lack of faith and my failing hope has helped me though. The other thing that has helped me is to try to spend more time praying for others than for myself.

    I’m glad you commented so I could find your blog.

  13. Thanks for commenting on my blog. I wrote a post very much like this a few months ago and it took me a lot of courage to post it; I’m sure it did for you too. The best comment I got on that post was “God is big enough to handle all of our questions and our disappointment and our anger.” Writing it helped me a little and I hope it helped you too.

  14. I loe this post. I, too, am angry with God. But to be angry with Him is to admit He is there and He is in charge.

    I don’t know why God chose us to go through this trial. I don’t know what kind of plan He has. If I hear it will happen in God’s time one more time I’ll scream.

    I keep going back to a quote I love (and the name of my blog) that God uses every tear. God doesn’t make the bad things happen. But somehow and in someway he turns these things to His glory.

  15. “I don’t like when people look at me with that look that clearly states that I am broken.

    But I am. I have become broken in every aspect of my life and I am scared to death that I will never be able to mend the pieces back together. I’m scared and angry. So, so angry.”

    Hit the nail on the head. You are so far from being alone in this feeling.

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