Ovulation time. It says something about my current state of mind that I am actually dreading this time. Of course I want this cycle to be the one, but I’ve wanted it for so long and hoped so much only to be let down that I feel a little numb about it. I hate the TWW with the passion of a thousand burning suns because no matter what I do to protect myself I always end up getting my hopes up and being terribly disappointed.
Not to mention the fact that of course I had to be ovulating the one weekend that we have friends coming into town to visit. Talk about making things a little more awkward. But I guess I should not be complaining about ovulating since I went so long with it not happening but still… And I am grateful that my body has been getting its act together, I’m just tired of the pain.
So I am trying to remain emotionless. We will do our thing, we will try, but I refuse to believe that it will end up any different from all the other months. I refuse to put my heart on the line this month because right now I don’t think I can stand to have it broken.
This journey is full of hope and disappointment, hope and disappointment. It is a vicious cycle.
Apparently by therapy session last night went in one ear and out the other. She kept talking about accepting all my feelings and not bottling them up which I guess I am still doing. Change takes time. And at least for today, bottling it up is working for me.