Here we go again

Ovulation time. It says something about my current state of mind that I am actually dreading this time. Of course I want this cycle to be the one, but I’ve wanted it for so long and hoped so much only to be let down that I feel a little numb about it. I hate the TWW with the passion of a thousand burning suns because no matter what I do to protect myself I always end up getting my hopes up and being terribly disappointed.

Not to mention the fact that of course I had to be ovulating the one weekend that we have friends coming into town to visit. Talk about making things a little more awkward. But I guess I should not be complaining about ovulating since I went so long with it not happening but still… And I am grateful that my body has been getting its act together, I’m just tired of the pain.

So I am trying to remain emotionless. We will do our thing, we will try, but I refuse to believe that it will end up any different from all the other months. I refuse to put my heart on the line this month because right now I don’t think I can stand to have it broken.

This journey is full of hope and disappointment, hope and disappointment. It is a vicious cycle.

Apparently by therapy session last night went in one ear and out the other. She kept talking about accepting all my feelings and not bottling them up which I guess I am still doing. Change takes time. And at least for today, bottling it up is working for me.

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28 Comments

Filed under Depression, Infertility, PCOS, TWW

28 responses to “Here we go again

  1. hang in there. and good luck with the out of town guests. does make things harder when TTC : (

    mo

  2. Excited for you…ovulation time is always the best time of the month for me! Followed by the worst. So I feel ya too.

  3. I hear you. Inviting and embracing hope makes this journey an emotional rollercoaster studded with land mines. Ugh. FX for this cycle.

  4. I don’t think you are totally bottling them up. You are letting them out here. I will be keeping up hope for you.

  5. DandelionBreeze... previously NYMum

    I’ve always bottled everything up.. and I guess it really does take time to change. But it’s also a self-preservation thing… this road is so hard that we do whatever we can to protect ourself and our heart. Happy to send you an access link to my private blog (email me on newyearmum@gmail.com). Thinking of you as you head toward ovulation… FXd for you xo

  6. EmHart

    You and I must be just about synced, I o’d yesterday. I have very little hope for me this cycle though so I am going to hope for you instead. I have everything crossed for you this time.

  7. EmHart

    Oooh, and I have just read we were paired on the sock exchange. If you let me know how to contact you I will send you my details.

    • Yay! Yes you can send me your info. If you click on the About Me tab on the top of the blog there is a form and it sends directly to my e-mail! Hi sock buddy!

  8. I have said it so many times.. hope is what keeps us going, best of luck.

  9. I gave up on that one because every time you say you will not allow yourself to hope you do exactly that! IF really do suck and I wish I had advise on how to deal with it better. Good luck, I will hope and pray for you xxx

  10. I completely understand where you’re coming from. Your steeling yourself; hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. So let us hope for you. I’m hoping for egg to meet sperm, for cell division, for a blastocyst to implant and then for 9 uneventful months of incubation. In the meantime, hang in there.

  11. Hope and praying for the best! You are doing great. Sounds like you are coping and that is all you can ask for sometimes.

  12. Here’s to hope prevailing in the end … and to houseguests who like to retire early.

  13. Ah the dreaded 2ww. I’ll be right there with you, so you’ll have some company in limbo-hell. I’m trying to remain detached too, but of course that plan will fall apart at some point. And letting your feelings out through your blog is a valid way to keep from bottling them up – you’re doing great!

  14. Thanks for the compliment! We love the room, but I don’t have the patience to do that design again either 🙂

    I think we all walk a fine line between accepting our feelings and bottling them up. Sometimes it just hurts too much to verbalize how much hope we have wrapped up in each cycle and how painful it is when that hope is dashed. Bottling up can sometimes be a matter of self-preservation.

  15. Tami

    God I so get this.

    I’m going to miss cycling with you. Perhaps now, I can have hope for you even when you do not. xo

    • I know! We were pretty close together in cycles! Maybe everything will work out around the same time and we can go together again next month because let’s face it…I’ll be cycling next month too.

  16. Sometimes being sort of numb about everything helps me get through it easier. The hoping turns into a lot of grief when things don’t end well for me.

  17. Ess

    Thanks for visiting my blog today! Glad to know there are a few of us in the 2ww boat together. Makes it a little easier. 🙂

  18. No matter how many times we’re disappointed, hope always creeps back in, which is a good thing! Otherwise we would have given up a long time ago. So I hope you let a little in, just in case.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog today. Happy ICLW!

  19. Rooting for you! Let me know if you want any guidance on natural options. I feel like I should have a PHD in this by now! Oh, and I did therapy when I was TTCing too. It was so weird and awkward. I hope your therapist is better than mine. Big hugs!

  20. am here via ICLW and just wanted to wish you good luck with this cycle and the 2ww. my husband and i started TTC 3 1/2 years ago; i’m pregnant for the 4th time and have finally reached the 3rd trimester. i so remember the rollercoaster of ovulation and the 2ww. there was a point where i would get so edgy during O time and would fight with DH if we didn’t BD during the optimum days; and the cyles when timing seemed perfect were devastating. and then when i stopped ovulating for a while, i just felt so broken. sending you lots of hope because, in my experience, it’s harder to hope for yourself than for others.

  21. ICLW #90

    Someone once said the word “equanimity” to me. I had to look it up. What if you sailed your hope up there and didn’t wait for it to come down? I know how hard it is.

  22. Hi Trisha,
    I could really relate to your post about ovulation and the 2WW. I just finished up ovulation and the 2WW seems like the longest period of time ever. I’m not sure how long you have been TTC because I am new to your blog, but I am only on my third cycle. I am glad ICLW falls during my 2WW because now I have found a bunch of new blogs to read, like yours. Best of luck to you!

    ICLW #86

  23. Infertility is so DARN hard. Good luck this month!
    Dawn Davenport
    Creating a Family: Providing Education & Support for Infertility and Adoption
    http://www.CreatingaFamily.org

  24. Hi from ICLW. Good luck this cycle!

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