Monthly Archives: April 2012

Putting the pieces back together

When I saw a second line on a pregnancy test 3 weeks ago it was the first time that in a long time that I felt completely whole. I am a jigsaw puzzle and during the last year and a half some of my pieces have become loose and disappeared. At first it wasn’t that noticeable, an edge here and there, but as the months dragged on and I sank further and further into infertility some of the middle pieces came loose too. Pretty soon I felt as though I was only being held together by small sections and if you tried to move me I’d fall apart.

But when I saw that line, and then another, and another, my pieces came back. The holes filled up and I was able to be me again. For one marvelous week I was complete.

Of course when everything began to unravel my pieces threatened to fall out again. A couple of times they did. But I don’t want to lose all my pieces again. I want to try to stay as put together as possible.

I have come to feel a great deal of peace about the miscarriage. Does that mean I am over it? Hardly. I’m still devastated that this happened, that come December 16th there will be no baby in my arms. But I accept it. I don’t really know how or why I feel this way, I just do.

I like to think that this baby will come back to me. Next time in a healthier body that will thrive and grow. I want it to be the same baby because although I had it for only a short amount of time I loved it. And I want it back.

Saturday evening J and I decided we needed to get out. So we picked up dinner and headed down to the beach. We ate, laughed, played in the water and relaxed in the sand. It was perfection. While we were sitting there I said to him “I want to enjoy my life again, I want to be like this always.” I want to remember that in the future, how I felt that night. Because the harsh reality is we are right back where we were 2 months ago. Cycling. And hoping that I am still ovulating.

But I don’t want to lose my pieces this time. I want to stay whole. So I will remember the fresh sea breeze, the sand between my toes, and the feel of J’s laughter against my body as we run into the waves. I have a good life, an incredible husband. I need to remember that always, no matter what challenges come out way in the coming months.

I also remember how much support I have. This community has given me a piece of my puzzle that I never knew I could have. I had the opportunity yesterday to meet someone who I have come to adore. Tami @ Submerged lives only a short distance from me and in the past few months she has become someone who I look forward to talking and joking around with. So J and I roped her into going out for a drink with us while we were in the area. It was so amazing to finally meet her in person and she is really just the sweetest thing. It is also so cool to be able to talk to someone who is also so involved in this process. We understand each other. I’m so grateful for the chance I had to spend time with her. I could go on and on about how much the experience meant to me.

So I’m trying. I’m trying to stay whole and remember who I am right now. I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I’m also a future mother. I will not forget that, but I will also try to not make it the only thing I am. I’m going to fight for the child that I want, but I am going to fight to remain me as well. I have so many important people and things in my life that I’ve neglected in the past. I’ve made my infertility who I am. It is also going to be a part of me and I will never be ashamed of it. But I cannot let the rest of my life fade into the background. So I’m standing today. A complete person with a dream of what the future can hold.

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Filed under 101 Things, BABIES!, Living Life, Miscarriage, On the Road

The Harsh Truth from Dildo-Cam

Last I was taking the dog outside for a bathroom break before we turned in for the night. It had been a pretty gloomy day so I was unsurprised when I stepped out to a light rain fall. Normally when it is raining I find a little cove of shelter that I can stand under but also close enough to the grass so that Toady can do his thing, but last night I walked out into the rain. I stood with my head held towards the sky and I let the cold drops land on my face, mixing in with the warm tears running down my face. It felt, if only for a moment, that the world was mourning with me.

This morning I once again found myself in the RE’s office awaiting a beta test. A beta test that was so different from previous ones, because there was no anxiousness in the air. I knew I would not be checking my phone every 15 min. waiting for the results. These results would bring no excitement or joy.

I told the Dr. that the cramping had started yesterday along with heavier bleeding. But there was still concern because I was still not even really needing a pad. I expected this to feel like a heavy period, but so far it is completely different. He suggested we do an ultrasound to confirm that the pregnancy was not ectopic. I have to admit, part of me still had a little hope. Hope that all this was wrong, hope that I would see a tiny baby in there with a little flickering heartbeat. We would be the miracle case, it could happen.

What I saw on that ultrasound screen was nothing. An empty uterus. The Dr. pointed out a tiny shadow where he said the “remnants” of the pregnancy where. But all hope was gone. There was not anything there anymore to hope for. Maybe there never was.

My HCG level has dropped. I didn’t even bother to ask what the number was. It does not matter anymore. I’m stopping progesterone today with the hopes that this weekend will be horrendous the end of this roller coaster. I’m pretty sure I passed a good portion of it today. Now we just wait for my levels to bottom out.

Then we start all over again.

25 Comments

Filed under Betas, Depression, Infertility, Miscarriage

Not as easy today

I knew going into this that some days would be harder than others. Overall I think I am handling the situation pretty well. I’ve only cried once since coming home from the hospital with the knowledge that I would most likely lose the pregnancy. I haven’t cried at all since I talked to my doctor yesterday morning.

Today I went back to work. I’ve been off for 4 days because of how sick I’ve been with the bronchitis and ear infection. Then the whole miscarriage thing came up. Not a good week on my pay check. Today we had to go do a run through for a big event we are having in a couple of weeks. We went to this gorgeous hotel on the beach to see how everything was going to be set up and the entire time I couldn’t stop thinking about how last week I had been trying to think of excuses to not go out drinking with my co-workers after the event was over. I should have been 9 weeks at that point.

It does not help that as of right now I am still pregnant. And I still have to act pregnant. No caffeine, progesterone supplements, no hot tubing to relax, and only Tylenol to ease the pain in my throat. I still have had no pain or cramping, in fact the bleeding has even lightened up a bit. It’s still there, but I have not passed any more clots and still have not needed to wear more than a panty liner. Even that is not really that necessary.

I’m scared that this is going to be a much longer process than I had originally thought. I want this to be over. I want to try again. I want to be pregnant again, with a healthy baby this time. I want to forget this is happening.

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Filed under Depression, First Trimester, Miscarriage, Sickness

Honesty is the best policy

Thank you for all the kind comments on my last post. I know I haven’t responded to any of them and it’s because I was having a hard time facing reality this weekend. I didn’t like thinking about what was going on. But know that I read every comment, many of them brought me to tears because I am so amazed at how many of you take the time to read and care about what is going on with me. All those comments got me through a really hard time this weekend.

I went in for a follow-up blood draw this morning at my infertility clinic. After the blood draw I requested to speak to my Doctor. In all honesty I haven’t personally spoken to him since November. I admit I place a little bit of blame on him for what happened with the cyst and the surgery. But this time I needed to speak to directly to him, because even though there is resentment there, I knew he would be 100% honest with me. I don’t need any sugar-coating right now.

I told him what had happened over the weekend and what my levels were at on Friday. When I said that they gave this pregnancy a 50% chance he looked right at me and said that they were being generous.

And I SMILED. Because I knew that. I knew that the chances were not that good. But I need to hear that from someone rather than the false hope everyone else seemed bent on giving me.

He said that if it was just that the levels, it could still be a normal pregnancy. They like to see levels double every 48 hours, but as long as they are going up at least 66% they are happy. My levels were indeed doing that, but it still can’t be considered a normal pregnancy because of the bleeding.

Today I passed 2 pea-sized clots. Still no pain, but the blood is now dark red. HCG came back at 1212 today. Going up, but barely at this point.

I am 6 weeks today and having a miscarriage.

And I’m doing okay. For now at least. Am I upset? Of course, I wanted this pregnancy more than anything. But I’ve also accepted what my body is telling me, which is that this is not going to happen. My boobs barely hurt anymore, when they do it is after I take my progesterone. I’m not hungry like I was, in fact I’ve hardly eaten at all lately.

All this is just made 10x better by the fact that I have been sick for a week. I went to the Urgent Care AGAIN today and my ear infection is back along with a minor case of bronchitis. I got a whole 3 hours of sleep last night.

At this point, I’m ready for it all to be over. The sickness, the pregnancy, everything. I go back to the RE on Thursday for another blood draw and to sit down and discuss everything with the Doctor. I’m hoping by then most everything will have passed by then. I’m ready to move on.

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Filed under Betas, First Trimester, Infertility, Just my luck, Miscarriage, Sickness

The 50/50 Club

Today I had the same sort of spotting that I did yesterday. I hadn’t had this much bleeding that lasted this long in the short time I’ve been pregnant. It seemed like it was not getting any lighter, if anything it was getting a bit heavier. My OB’s office closes early on Fridays so I called the Urgent Care and explained my situation.

I went in and had a vaginal exam done by one of the Doctors. She didn’t need to say anything, the grave look on her face was enough for me to burst into tears (pregnancy hormones). She said that my cervix is closed, but that there is blood coming from it, more than what should be. She got my OB’s number and called her. They then advised me to go to the ER.

I called J in a panic and we headed to the ER. We waited for almost 2 hours to even get admitted. When we got in and finally saw the ER doctor he gave us the “really they should not of sent you here” kind of look. And he was right. At this point I am only 5+4 weeks. The chances of seeing anything on an ultrasound are small. Especially when my HCG levels have not exactly been through the roof. And even if they could tell me that I was going to miscarry what are they gonna do about it? Nothing. There is nothing they can do.

But he still had me go in for an ultrasound. The technician made me feel like I made the whole pregnancy up by repeatedly asking me if I was sure about the date of my last menstrual cycle and if I had gotten a blood test to confirm. Why yes I have! 3 of them! I’m not crazy, lady!

Obviously they didn’t see anything. Well in the doctors words there could be something there…but its just to early to tell. So they drew blood to test my HCG levels. And my levels are going up.

But not fast enough.

Beta #4 HCG=937

That is a doubling time of 78 hours. They do not test progesterone in the ER.

So I am now in the 50/50 Club, the doctor said. There is a 50% chance that I will miscarry. There is a 50% chance that everything will be fine. They have no way to tell…all we can do is wait.

I can tell you already I have a shrewd suspicion which way this will go. My HCG is not doubling, I am spotting pretty frequently, and my levels have always been on the low side.

Follow up blood draw on Monday but things aren’t looking good.

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Filed under Betas, Depression, First Trimester, Infertility, Just my luck

Low confidence

I’m really nervous about this pregnancy. Maybe that is just the infertile in me talking but I am still having trouble with the idea that I could have a baby in December. J says I just need to relax and I know that is true, but it is easier said then done.

I’ve had spotting pretty much since I got my positive. It is never a lot. I don’t even need to wear a panty liner, but my longest streak without it is around 72 hours. It is usually just some light pinkish/red or brownish/red spotting, present only when I wipe, and then it goes away for the rest of the day. Today I had it twice after going to the bathroom (#2). I called my OB and she said it could be a few things, it could be that it is an ectopic pregnancy, it could be a possible miscarriage, or it could be just fine and that my cervix is just a little more sensitive. I’m not cramping at all during this. I have a scan booked for later next week so hopefully by then we will know either way. She sounded hopeful and said the chances of an ectopic or a miscarriage are low…but they are still there.

It doesn’t help that I still don’t feel pregnant. The only thing that has kept me sure is how sore my boobs have been, but today they hardly hurt at all. Cue freak out.

I’ve been sick the past 2 days and was running a low-grade fever. I was working like a freaking maniac to keep my temp down so that the body heat would not cause any damage to the baby. The fever finally broke last night which was a huge relief but I am still feeling pretty blah. Sore throat, headache, and a little cough. By the way…Tylenol sucks. I miss ibuprofen.

Next beta isn’t until Monday. It is going to be a long weekend. I feel sad and scared.

14 Comments

Filed under Depression, First Trimester, Infertility, Just my luck

5 Weeks and Beta #3

Beta #3 results are in! HCG=360 Progesterone=49.4!

Doubling time of 44 hours which is a great improvement of the previous 50 hours. But because I am crazy pants and have to have SOMETHING to obsess about, I worry that my HCG levels are too low for where I am (today is 20 dpo and the average for that is 522) but that isn’t a big deal right? Someone reassure me that it only matters that numbers are doubling, hurry before I google the crap out of it and freak myself out. K thx bye.

In other news I completely stole this nifty little form from The Cornfed Feminist that you can fill out for each week of your pregnancy.

***

5 Weeks

Nausea:  Not a whole lot yet. Every once in a while I catch a whiff of something and it makes me gag though. Today it was some guys cologne at work. The other girl I work with could barely smell it but I felt like I was suffocating in it. No bueno. I think more than anything I am just hungry more often.

Puking:  Nope.

Poop:  I thought you were supposed to be constipated during pregnancy? Yeah, not my issue at all. In fact things have been a bit *ahem* looser. You so wanted to know that right?

Boobs:  SO SORE! I’m already terrified for these puppies. I’m pretty well endowed for a girl my size (36 D) and my bras are starting to feel a bit tighter. This could get interesting. J is rejoicing, which makes me hate him. Plus my boobs are SO VEINY! Like Frankenstein boobs! Where did they all come from?!?!

Acne: Surprisingly none. For a week before I got my BFP I was broken out EVERYWHERE. My forehead, back, chest, and boobs were all covered in tiny white zits that made me sick. Then the day after I got the positive…POOF! All gone. Still get the occasional visiter, but that is pretty standard for my skin anyways.

Discharge: Spotting is slowing down hooray! Now I only have been getting the tiniest amount of light pink maybe once a day. Huge relief.

Cravings: I don’t know if this has anything to do with the pregnancy but I have had a grilled peanut butter and banana sandwich every day for a week. SOOOO GOOD. But I tend to become obsessed with food like this even when not pregnant.

Aversions: None really. Except we where at Carl’s Jr. on Saturday and I ordered my favorite burger and 3/4 through the sandwich it suddenly tasted bad and I couldn’t eat anymore.

Libido: Pretty much the same. I was a little scared because when we…ummm…celebrated the pregnancy I had quite a bit of bleeding afterwards, but we have addressed the issue again and all is clear!

Other: I am still having a hard time believing this is real. Overall I don’t really feel pregnant. Except for my sore, sore boobies. I keep expecting to go to the bathroom and have my period show up like “HA! Got ya!”. I am so so grateful for this little bug. Hoping that it decides to stick around for the long haul. I may or may not coach the baby at night, telling it that it can do this, to hang on tight, and to produce more HCG. I’m already the crazy pregnant lady and loving it.

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Filed under BABIES!, Betas, Celebration, First Trimester