Confession #1: A few months after we started trying J and I were at Goodwill scouring for hidden treasures. Going to thrift stores is J’s guilty pleasure. I was browsing their book shelves when I cam across a great find, “What to Expect When You are Expecting”, “What to Expect the First Year”, and “What to Expect the Toddler Years” all in perfect condition and priced at $2 each. I immediately snatched them up and showed J with hope and excitement written all over my face. We eagerly purchased the books sure that we would be able to dive into them in no time.
When we got home I carefully selected a place on the bookshelf to store my new purchases. I didn’t want to flip through them yet, I wanted to be able to open the first one when I found out I was pregnant for the time and I would open the book and devour its information about what I would be experiencing over the next 9 months.
But time went on and on, the books have been sitting on the shelf collecting dust for the past year. I started to resent their presence in my home, they were a constant reminder of what my body was denying me. I avoided looking at them when grabbing a book of the shelf, pretending that they were not even there. Until Monday that is…when I picked up the first book and opened it up with shaking hands.
Confession #2: I’ve known about this for 4 days now and I’ve said nothing. Some may ask why and really there are a few reasons. One of them being…I’m scared to death. I mean what is your biggest fear once you finally get what you’ve desperately wanted? That it will go away. I’m afraid this is going to go away. I have had slight cramping and spotting since the positive. But based on everything I can find online (Google is EVIL and should be taken away from me) this seems very normal because neither the cramping or spotting is bad. The cramping will feel slightly like AF cramps, lasts for 10 seconds then goes away. The spotting is light/watery red and is only present when I wipe. I haven’t even needed a panty liner. But it still worries me, so I’ve said nothing. Until today when I got the results from my first beta draw.
Beta at 15 DPO: HCG=65 Progesterone=14.9
I will be going in tomorrow morning to re-test and make sure the numbers are doubling. The progesterone is a bit on the low side so I’ll now be taking 2 supplements a day rather than 1. My doctor thinks this should be enough since I only started taking the supplements on Monday anyways.
Confession #3: I’ve been scared to make this post. I’m scared not only because it makes the whole thing seem a lot more real, but also because you guys have become SO important to me. And there are so many of you out there that I consider friends that are deeply struggling and I don’t want to be the person that makes you feel sad. I’ve been there…and even when I feel incredibly excited and happy for a fellow IFer who has announced a pregnancy there is always that small feeling in the back of my mind that says “Why couldn’t it have been me?”.
But now it is me and I’m afraid that it will hurt others who are not there yet. I still need you guys because like I said…I’m scared. But thrilled. It’s almost a little surreal. When I saw that second line, that line that I was starting to believe was a myth and didn’t really exist, I broke down. I sobbed in my bathroom staring at that glorious line wondering if this could really be happening.
It is. I’m pregnant. Please settle in little bug, we already love you so much.
*I have to mention that the 16 DPO test was taken in the early afternoon with very diluted urine hopefully the line will be darker tomorrow.