Honesty is the best policy

Thank you for all the kind comments on my last post. I know I haven’t responded to any of them and it’s because I was having a hard time facing reality this weekend. I didn’t like thinking about what was going on. But know that I read every comment, many of them brought me to tears because I am so amazed at how many of you take the time to read and care about what is going on with me. All those comments got me through a really hard time this weekend.

I went in for a follow-up blood draw this morning at my infertility clinic. After the blood draw I requested to speak to my Doctor. In all honesty I haven’t personally spoken to him since November. I admit I place a little bit of blame on him for what happened with the cyst and the surgery. But this time I needed to speak to directly to him, because even though there is resentment there, I knew he would be 100% honest with me. I don’t need any sugar-coating right now.

I told him what had happened over the weekend and what my levels were at on Friday. When I said that they gave this pregnancy a 50% chance he looked right at me and said that they were being generous.

And I SMILED. Because I knew that. I knew that the chances were not that good. But I need to hear that from someone rather than the false hope everyone else seemed bent on giving me.

He said that if it was just that the levels, it could still be a normal pregnancy. They like to see levels double every 48 hours, but as long as they are going up at least 66% they are happy. My levels were indeed doing that, but it still can’t be considered a normal pregnancy because of the bleeding.

Today I passed 2 pea-sized clots. Still no pain, but the blood is now dark red. HCG came back at 1212 today. Going up, but barely at this point.

I am 6 weeks today and having a miscarriage.

And I’m doing okay. For now at least. Am I upset? Of course, I wanted this pregnancy more than anything. But I’ve also accepted what my body is telling me, which is that this is not going to happen. My boobs barely hurt anymore, when they do it is after I take my progesterone. I’m not hungry like I was, in fact I’ve hardly eaten at all lately.

All this is just made 10x better by the fact that I have been sick for a week. I went to the Urgent Care AGAIN today and my ear infection is back along with a minor case of bronchitis. I got a whole 3 hours of sleep last night.

At this point, I’m ready for it all to be over. The sickness, the pregnancy, everything. I go back to the RE on Thursday for another blood draw and to sit down and discuss everything with the Doctor. I’m hoping by then most everything will have passed by then. I’m ready to move on.

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30 Comments

Filed under Betas, First Trimester, Infertility, Just my luck, Miscarriage, Sickness

30 responses to “Honesty is the best policy

  1. I’m so sorry. I wish there were words strong enough to provide comfort, but I know there aren’t. When I read your last post, it sounded so much like what happened when we lost our baby. I’ve been praying for you ever since that it would turn out differently. Sending you hugs. Please know that we’re all here for you!

  2. I’m so sorry Trisha. I know the feeling of both wishing something wasn’t happening, but also wishing that if it has to happen that it would happen quickly. I will still be thinking good thoughts for you and wishing you the best, whatever the outcome is.

  3. Oh Trisha. I’m so very sorry. I was really hoping that there was a chance everything would be okay. But I also completely understand where you’re coming from. If you need anything now or in the days to come, please don’t hesitate to ask. In the meantime, I’m holding you in my heart.

  4. babysocks2008

    Hi Lady, I am so, so, so sorry. I hope you get your answers soon, either way it goes. I wish there were words to help you through this awful situation but there are none. All I can think to say is that I am thinking of you and my heart bleeds for you and your DH. Also, I am proud of you for being so strong and not falling apart. All my love to you. *Hug*

  5. I’m so sorry!
    Blame the hormones, but I’m crying for you.
    I admire your strength! I really do!
    We are all here for you!!!

    HUGS!

  6. M

    I missed your last post. I am so, so sorry. Huge hugs. ❤

  7. This is so crappy, I’m sorry you’re not only going through all of this but all at the same time just makes it worse. Thinking of you, and sending you love as much as I can.

  8. Tami

    I’m so sorry T.

  9. Shelley

    Oh no, Trisha, I am so, so very sorry to hear this. I really was holding onto hope for you. Sending you so much love and healing thoughts.

  10. Oh my goodness, I am soooo sorry to hear this!!!! I have been reading your journey every step of the way…and it just breaks my heart that after all you have been through that you have to endure yet another heartbreak. We are here for you…reading your story and sharing your tears. Sending HUGE hugs.

  11. Wife

    I’m so sorry know you are not alone. Unfortunately way too many of us have been in your shoes. I’m holding you close to my heart. This sucks!!

  12. veetamia

    I am so sorry Trisha. Sending hugs and positive vibes..I hope your heart, body, and mind heal soon. There’s lots of us in the blogosphere cheering for you♥

  13. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I hope that you can get well soon and that the next appt with the doctor will be helpful. My thoughts are with you.

  14. I am so sorry Trisha. I wanted this for you so much. I am sending huge hugs and all my thoughts.

  15. I’m so so sorry Trisha! You were in my thoughts all weekend.
    Sending you love and hugs.

  16. I am so sorry Trisha. I’m glad you got some straight answers and I’m hugging you tight from here.

  17. KT

    I’m so sorry Trisha. I’m glad that you were able to get an honest opinion from your doctor- but the whole thing still sucks.

  18. This isn’t fair and I wish to God it wasn’t happening to you. You are being very strong and brave through this, it would be so much easier to hate the world and be bitter. I pray it ends quickly so you can move on to the next step ::hugs::

  19. No! This sucks. I am terribly sorry to hear this but am happy for you that you seem to be taking it well. ***Hugs!***

  20. I’m so sorry!! Breaks my heart to read this

  21. Hey there, I’m here from ICLW, but I’ve been following your blog for quite some time. I’m so very sorry. Sending light and peace.

  22. I’m so very sorry. 😦 There really are no words I can leave that will be of comfort, praying for you as you have to go through the loss of a precious little one.

    (ICLW #54)

  23. I am so sorry for what is going on. Thinking of you.

  24. I sympathize so much with your story–I lost my first pregnancy and I was given a 50/50 diagnosis like yours when I found myself pregnant a second time. Unfortunately, I lost that pregnancy as well. There truly are no words of comfort. Take care of yourself.

  25. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Really…I will keep you in my thoughts.

  26. First I’m so sorry that you’re having to go through this.

    Second, I agree with you that honesty is the best policy and I always prefer doctors who give it to me straight, even bad news, rather than those that try to sugar coat everything.

    Good luck over the next few weeks as you try to adjust to this new unfortunate development in your fertility journey.

    Again I’m so sorry for your loss.

  27. I’m sorry you are going through this. Sending you strength, peace and lots of hugz!

  28. katery

    i’m so sorry to hear about your loss. i wish there was something i could say to take the pain away but i know there’s not. i hope you can start tryiing again very soon. good luck.
    iclw

  29. babysocks2008

    Hey Trisha…Just wanted to comment to say I have been thinking about you for the last couple days and hoping that you are ok (both physically and mentally). Hugs.

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