Honesty is the best policy

Thank you for all the kind comments on my last post. I know I haven’t responded to any of them and it’s because I was having a hard time facing reality this weekend. I didn’t like thinking about what was going on. But know that I read every comment, many of them brought me to tears because I am so amazed at how many of you take the time to read and care about what is going on with me. All those comments got me through a really hard time this weekend.

I went in for a follow-up blood draw this morning at my infertility clinic. After the blood draw I requested to speak to my Doctor. In all honesty I haven’t personally spoken to him since November. I admit I place a little bit of blame on him for what happened with the cyst and the surgery. But this time I needed to speak to directly to him, because even though there is resentment there, I knew he would be 100% honest with me. I don’t need any sugar-coating right now.

I told him what had happened over the weekend and what my levels were at on Friday. When I said that they gave this pregnancy a 50% chance he looked right at me and said that they were being generous.

And I SMILED. Because I knew that. I knew that the chances were not that good. But I need to hear that from someone rather than the false hope everyone else seemed bent on giving me.

He said that if it was just that the levels, it could still be a normal pregnancy. They like to see levels double every 48 hours, but as long as they are going up at least 66% they are happy. My levels were indeed doing that, but it still can’t be considered a normal pregnancy because of the bleeding.

Today I passed 2 pea-sized clots. Still no pain, but the blood is now dark red. HCG came back at 1212 today. Going up, but barely at this point.

I am 6 weeks today and having a miscarriage.

And I’m doing okay. For now at least. Am I upset? Of course, I wanted this pregnancy more than anything. But I’ve also accepted what my body is telling me, which is that this is not going to happen. My boobs barely hurt anymore, when they do it is after I take my progesterone. I’m not hungry like I was, in fact I’ve hardly eaten at all lately.

All this is just made 10x better by the fact that I have been sick for a week. I went to the Urgent Care AGAIN today and my ear infection is back along with a minor case of bronchitis. I got a whole 3 hours of sleep last night.

At this point, I’m ready for it all to be over. The sickness, the pregnancy, everything. I go back to the RE on Thursday for another blood draw and to sit down and discuss everything with the Doctor. I’m hoping by then most everything will have passed by then. I’m ready to move on.