Not as easy today

I knew going into this that some days would be harder than others. Overall I think I am handling the situation pretty well. I’ve only cried once since coming home from the hospital with the knowledge that I would most likely lose the pregnancy. I haven’t cried at all since I talked to my doctor yesterday morning.

Today I went back to work. I’ve been off for 4 days because of how sick I’ve been with the bronchitis and ear infection. Then the whole miscarriage thing came up. Not a good week on my pay check. Today we had to go do a run through for a big event we are having in a couple of weeks. We went to this gorgeous hotel on the beach to see how everything was going to be set up and the entire time I couldn’t stop thinking about how last week I had been trying to think of excuses to not go out drinking with my co-workers after the event was over. I should have been 9 weeks at that point.

It does not help that as of right now I am still pregnant. And I still have to act pregnant. No caffeine, progesterone supplements, no hot tubing to relax, and only Tylenol to ease the pain in my throat. I still have had no pain or cramping, in fact the bleeding has even lightened up a bit. It’s still there, but I have not passed any more clots and still have not needed to wear more than a panty liner. Even that is not really that necessary.

I’m scared that this is going to be a much longer process than I had originally thought. I want this to be over. I want to try again. I want to be pregnant again, with a healthy baby this time. I want to forget this is happening.

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15 Comments

Filed under Depression, First Trimester, Miscarriage, Sickness

15 responses to “Not as easy today

  1. Lady, this just sucks. I’m so sorry that you’re living with this. I really wish that things were a lot more clear instead of having limbo be drawn out. It’s torture.

    Sending you love and hugs. May there be an answer soon.

  2. One thing I don’t get (among a million others) is why we have to not only deal with infertility, but are often the ones stuck in this limbo as well? It’s totally unfair. HUGS.

  3. Unfortunately you may be right, miscarriage is rarely quick, mine took a week from the first signs of spotting to finish but I was a bit further along. I hope things finish quickly for you!

  4. babysocks2008

    This is just awful…I’m so sorry. Hugs to you.

  5. St. Elsewhere

    Very very sorry for your loss.

    It is heartbreaking.

    #24

  6. Tami

    All you can do is handle one day at a time. I think it’s only normal to have your head change so quickly from one line of thinking to another. It is a process and the process sucks. Know that you are close in my thoughts T.

  7. Wife

    I’m thinking of you. What a crappy crappy time.

  8. So sorry you’re still waiting to have a clear picture. I hope it gets clearer soon. *Hugs*

  9. I hate to do it – I know you don’t want any Pollyanna responses, and I know that you know that most likely you are having a miscarriage. However – I have to say that if you don’t even really need the panty liner – it’s more spotting than bleeding – and if you aren’t cramping – THOSE ARE GOOD SIGNS. There is still some hope. Yes, you could have a miscarriage, but your levels are still going up and you aren’t bleeding heavy, you aren’t cramping. To me – that says there is still hope. Might not be a lot of hope, but it’s there. So – I’m sorry – but I’m big on hope.

    With that said…. I’m sorry that you are going through this and I’m sorry you feel that a miscarriage is inevitable 😦 I do know how you are feeling – I had 14 miscarriages … everytime I get pregnant I feel the same way – I just don’t believe it’ll stick until I pass 12 weeks and even then…. I am slightly detached until I’m holding a baby…

  10. Oops… I forgot … Perusing your blog via ICLW 🙂 (#86)

  11. Here from ICLW. I’m so, so sorry. I’m going to be thinking about you and keeping up with your story.

  12. I’m so sorry Trisha. I’ve been thinking about you a lot in the past few days. I hope your symptoms have taken a positive turn, but if not, please remember that you are not alone with your pain. There are just no words to take any of it away. Only time can do that, and time spent in this kind of pain sucks. I’m here if you need anything.

  13. Mo

    Hi Trisha, sorry for being so late in commenting on this whole thing, but I’ve been following along and thinking of you.
    I don’t know how much of a comfort this will be, but I know it has helped me in the past:
    Thank your body for this. Weird to say, I know. But thank it. Thank if for recognizing an embryo that wasn’t healthy and getting rid of it without medical intervention. This is a miracle. This will save you more and more weeks of limbo, medical intervention, and possible complications (for which I’m the poster child, so trust me on that one).
    Love your body now, more than ever.
    Thinking of you, here if you need me.

  14. I have been thinking about you a great deal over the last few days. I just wanted you to know that. And I know you may not feel like joining in, but I have given you an award anyway, just coz I think your blog rocks.

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