The Harsh Truth from Dildo-Cam

Last I was taking the dog outside for a bathroom break before we turned in for the night. It had been a pretty gloomy day so I was unsurprised when I stepped out to a light rain fall. Normally when it is raining I find a little cove of shelter that I can stand under but also close enough to the grass so that Toady can do his thing, but last night I walked out into the rain. I stood with my head held towards the sky and I let the cold drops land on my face, mixing in with the warm tears running down my face. It felt, if only for a moment, that the world was mourning with me.

This morning I once again found myself in the RE’s office awaiting a beta test. A beta test that was so different from previous ones, because there was no anxiousness in the air. I knew I would not be checking my phone every 15 min. waiting for the results. These results would bring no excitement or joy.

I told the Dr. that the cramping had started yesterday along with heavier bleeding. But there was still concern because I was still not even really needing a pad. I expected this to feel like a heavy period, but so far it is completely different. He suggested we do an ultrasound to confirm that the pregnancy was not ectopic. I have to admit, part of me still had a little hope. Hope that all this was wrong, hope that I would see a tiny baby in there with a little flickering heartbeat. We would be the miracle case, it could happen.

What I saw on that ultrasound screen was nothing. An empty uterus. The Dr. pointed out a tiny shadow where he said the “remnants” of the pregnancy where. But all hope was gone. There was not anything there anymore to hope for. Maybe there never was.

My HCG level has dropped. I didn’t even bother to ask what the number was. It does not matter anymore. I’m stopping progesterone today with the hopes that this weekend will be horrendous the end of this roller coaster. I’m pretty sure I passed a good portion of it today. Now we just wait for my levels to bottom out.

Then we start all over again.

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25 Comments

Filed under Betas, Depression, Infertility, Miscarriage

25 responses to “The Harsh Truth from Dildo-Cam

  1. Holding you in my heart, Trisha. I’m very sorry for your loss.

  2. I’m so sorry Trisha 😦 Sending you love and hugs.

  3. So sorry. I had been hoping with you for a miracle. The sudden ups and downs of infertility are just so traumatic.

  4. I’m sorry. I’ll be thinking of you.

  5. So sorry for you Trisha.

  6. Shelley

    Someone needs to invent a virtual hug, that reaches out from the blue blur of your computer screen and envelops you in warmth and comfort. If I could give that to you right now, I would. Even though I don’t really know you and you don’t know me, I would, because my heart hurts so bad reading this.

    It’s just one of the cruelest truths about our bodies. That they have the capability to take on pregnancies and then shed them away. Even crueler that it can happen to us IFers after so much time, money and energy has been spent to achieve the pregnancy. Your strength and resolve, though, is evident. I’m so impressed by the way you’re already picking yourself up and looking toward the future.

    It seems awful to think of starting over and progress lost, I have struggled with that myself with my losses. But time moves faster than it seems. You will get through this, there will be a happy ending one day. Thinking of you, wishing you peace.

  7. Oh, I’m so, so sorry. I was hoping you’d be the miracle case too. 😦

  8. This part of the world is absolutely mourning with you. I’m so sorry. Hoping your physical pain I minimal and the other pain will be manageable.

  9. Tami

    Trying to catch my breath after reading your update. Im so sad for you. Sad for me. So overwhelmingly sad for all of us who have been touched by this kind of loss. xx

  10. Amy

    I am so so sorry. Thinking of you.

  11. Ugh. Again, I’m so sorry to hear this news. I was secretly hoping for you too since the bleeding was slowing down. ***HUGS and more hugs!***

  12. My lovely, I am so sorry. I am pretty pissed with the universe right now. I wanted this for you so much. I have been thinking about you today and I am sending huge hugs. If I could send one of Shelly’s kind I so would.

  13. I’m so sorry Trisha. I’m sending lots of love and light to you.

  14. So sad to hear this. Sending you love and hugs. Take good care of yourself

  15. Mourning with you. Sending hugs.
    I’m so sorry.

  16. Trisha, I’m so sorry this is has happened to you. You are in my thoughts and prayers, always. ::hug::

  17. veetamia

    I’m so sorry you are going through this Trisha, so not fair. I’m sending you lots of hugs!

  18. So sorry for what you are going through.

  19. I’m so sorry. Sending you Big Hugz and peace.

  20. M

    I’m so sorry. ((hugs))

  21. Lee

    Thinking of you often. You WILL get to where you want to be.

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