When I saw a second line on a pregnancy test 3 weeks ago it was the first time that in a long time that I felt completely whole. I am a jigsaw puzzle and during the last year and a half some of my pieces have become loose and disappeared. At first it wasn’t that noticeable, an edge here and there, but as the months dragged on and I sank further and further into infertility some of the middle pieces came loose too. Pretty soon I felt as though I was only being held together by small sections and if you tried to move me I’d fall apart.
But when I saw that line, and then another, and another, my pieces came back. The holes filled up and I was able to be me again. For one marvelous week I was complete.
Of course when everything began to unravel my pieces threatened to fall out again. A couple of times they did. But I don’t want to lose all my pieces again. I want to try to stay as put together as possible.
I have come to feel a great deal of peace about the miscarriage. Does that mean I am over it? Hardly. I’m still devastated that this happened, that come December 16th there will be no baby in my arms. But I accept it. I don’t really know how or why I feel this way, I just do.
I like to think that this baby will come back to me. Next time in a healthier body that will thrive and grow. I want it to be the same baby because although I had it for only a short amount of time I loved it. And I want it back.
Saturday evening J and I decided we needed to get out. So we picked up dinner and headed down to the beach. We ate, laughed, played in the water and relaxed in the sand. It was perfection. While we were sitting there I said to him “I want to enjoy my life again, I want to be like this always.” I want to remember that in the future, how I felt that night. Because the harsh reality is we are right back where we were 2 months ago. Cycling. And hoping that I am still ovulating.
But I don’t want to lose my pieces this time. I want to stay whole. So I will remember the fresh sea breeze, the sand between my toes, and the feel of J’s laughter against my body as we run into the waves. I have a good life, an incredible husband. I need to remember that always, no matter what challenges come out way in the coming months.
I also remember how much support I have. This community has given me a piece of my puzzle that I never knew I could have. I had the opportunity yesterday to meet someone who I have come to adore. Tami @ Submerged lives only a short distance from me and in the past few months she has become someone who I look forward to talking and joking around with. So J and I roped her into going out for a drink with us while we were in the area. It was so amazing to finally meet her in person and she is really just the sweetest thing. It is also so cool to be able to talk to someone who is also so involved in this process. We understand each other. I’m so grateful for the chance I had to spend time with her. I could go on and on about how much the experience meant to me.
So I’m trying. I’m trying to stay whole and remember who I am right now. I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I’m also a future mother. I will not forget that, but I will also try to not make it the only thing I am. I’m going to fight for the child that I want, but I am going to fight to remain me as well. I have so many important people and things in my life that I’ve neglected in the past. I’ve made my infertility who I am. It is also going to be a part of me and I will never be ashamed of it. But I cannot let the rest of my life fade into the background. So I’m standing today. A complete person with a dream of what the future can hold.