Monthly Archives: May 2012

Written Wednesday: Room

Book: Room

Author: Emma Donoghue

Something that is always interesting to me is how finding a really really good book is both wonderful and terrible. Wonderful obviously because it’s like finding a treasure, in my opinion. It’s a rare thing to find a story that completely captivates and moves you, for me very few books are like this. It is a terrible thing because like always, it eventually comes to an end. Then I find myself lost about what to read next. When you find a gem its hard to go back to plain old rocks.

Room was a book that I had had on my reading list for quite a while. I had heard about it, seen it on best sellers lists, but for some reason never felt the pull to read it. It is a story that is narrated by 5-year-old Jack and told about his life with his Ma in Room. Room is the place that he has lived his whole life, he has never left Room. It is clear from the beginning that Jack’s Ma has been held captive in Room and has struggled to raise Jack as normal as possible.

The story is heartbreaking, real and completely fascinating. It is so easy to get drawn into Jack’s world and experience all the emotions that he does throughout the book. I hesitate to say too much about the plot for fear of giving anything else away. I’ll I can say is that I found this book to be a breath of fresh air. I haven’t read anything in a long time that I have loved as much as I loved reading this novel. Emma Donoghue, my hat is tipped to you. I highly recommend this book to anyone.

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Starting Again

CD 1 was on Saturday so we are officially trying again. Not that last month we weren’t trying, we just weren’t sure what the hell was going on so we completely missed ovulation time. I’m not too upset about that though because as much as I wanted to get pregnant right away I was worried that if I did without having AF first then I would just have another miscarriage. I don’t know if that is a reasonable fear or not but I did have it.

Not that missing O time did anything to stop me from symptom spotting. But now I actually kind of know what I’m looking for which is both nice and depressing (at least when they don’t show up). My only real symptoms before my BFP were sore boobs and a massive breakout. Now, I breakout around AF time too, but nothing like that. I have never in my life been so broken out. And never would I have thought I’d now wish for it so bad.

J told MIL about the miscarriage last night. We weren’t hiding it from them by any means, we just don’t talk to them as much so it hadn’t come up. I was just standing at the door of room for the conversation so I couldn’t hear much but I did hear him repeat her words that “we just have to have patience.” Or something like that. Cue me rolling my eyes and leaving the room immediately.

In the meantime I’m trying to concentrate on other things (HA! Yeah right Trish). Surprisingly enough I’ve taken up running. Or should I say jogging/walking. I’ve never been a runner, I hate it with a passion. But I wish I did like it. I’ve heard so many people say how they love it and it clears their minds and I want that. So I’m starting slow. I’m doing Couch to 5K. It’s a program that has you jog / walk for 30 min. 3x a week. It starts you off easy and slowly increases your endurance for running more than walking. I’m pretty out of shape so I was surprised when I got through the first week with ease. I mean I’m not saying that it wasn’t difficult, I was still sweating buckets, but I was able to do the whole workout without stopping.  I started week 2 on Sunday and did find it more challenging, but again, I made it through the whole thing. So I’m setting a goal for myself, even if I have to repeat a week here and there, I am going to try to get myself in shape and eventually be able to run 3 miles without walking.

I figure if I write it on here then I HAVE to do it because I don’t want to lose face. Losing face is very serious in the culture of Trisha.

So now we wait. I’m still unsure of when exactly I should expect to ovulate. In the past the earliest has been CD 19, but I feel like I O’d really quickly after the miscarriage so now I have no idea. I guess that just means we will have to be on our toes. Poor J.

Hope all of you had a great weekend, if you are in the states I hope you enjoyed your Memorial Day!

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Filed under C25K, Infertility, Living Life, Miscarriage, PCOS

Woe is Loss

I couldn’t sleep last night. I had an exhausting day, but as I lay in bed I could not turn my thoughts off which is never a good thing when you are tired. So I started pitying myself. I thought about all I’ve gone through lately and how unfair everything was. Most days I accept my miscarriage with grace, last night was not graceful in the least. Instead I cried silent tears while my husband snored softly next to me feeling sorry for myself.

The road of infertility is a rough one. It is filled with pot holes, speed bumps, and wrong way signs. We’ve all experienced these things in one way or another but the thing I will never get over or accept is the losses. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the link between infertility and pregnancy loss. To me at least, it seems the odds are not in our favor when it comes to this.

Think about it, how many fellow inferiles do you know that have experienced at least one loss? For me, this is most of them. Very few get their happy ending without going through this particular cliff dive (if you are one of them, please don’t take offense, this observation is not meant to make anyone feel bad).  On the other hand, how many fertile people do you know that have never experienced a loss? I can think of dozens off the top of my head. Maybe this is me and my little world, but it seems to be vastly unfair.

The past week has brought more heartache for some incredible women on my blog roll. It makes me sick to my stomach every time I read about another crushed dream. I can’t help but feel like we can’t seem to catch a break. Truth is I would never wish this feeling on anybody. No woman should ever have cry herself to sleep thinking about babies that might never come to be or worry herself sick that one of her younger siblings will manage a child before her. No woman should have to hear that her pregnancy, one that she prayed, hoped, and worked for years, is not viable or over.

So why does it keep happening to us?

Maybe part of it lies in the fact that we are much more in tune with our bodies than most woman. We meticulously analyze every cycle and feeling till we are blue in the face and our google feels used and abused. In my case I started bleeding at 5 1/2 weeks, most woman would probably just have thought their period was late. I have a friend who was off birth control for a year. They weren’t trying, they tried to just avoid sex around ovulation, who conceived the first month they decided to try. When I told her of my miscarriage she actually confessed to me that she thinks she’s had a few…she just never got them confirmed. During the time they were not trying there were a couple of months that she was late, so she took a pregnancy test got a faint positive, then negatives within a few days. It seems to me that she might not have had miscarriages but chemicals. But there are still so many cases of blighted ovums and missed miscarriages that couldn’t be mistaken for a late period that continue to ravage our community that don’t seem as prominent in the “real world”.

Or maybe its just that people refuse to talk about it. It’s a dirty little secret that we sweep under our beds and hide away. I’m not accusing…I’m just as guilty. I refused to tell certain people about my miscarriage, but why? Maybe I feel like less of a woman because I was not able to do the one thing that my body was made to do. Maybe I’m ashamed because I feel like no one else I know has gone through the same thing. Maybe I’m just scared that it will draw attention to the fact I’m hurting.

This is not something I signed up for. I’ve had suspicions since I was a teenager that I would not achieve pregnancy easily. But I never imagined finally getting pregnant only to have it end a week and a half later. None of the women in my family have ever had a miscarriage. Seriously. All my grandmothers, aunts, my mom, none of them. I’m the first. This is not a road I am ready to pave. I have undying respect for those of you who are going through RPL. I honestly do not know how you do it, you amaze me.

Each day that passes I get more and more terrified. Terrified that this year will end the same as last year, with no baby and no pregnancy. This may seem like an overreaction because there are still 7 months and 7 chances. But considering how the last 17 months have gone it does not instill a lot of confidence in my head.

My heart is aching right now. Aching for me and for anyone who has ever had to say goodbye to a desperately wanted pregnancy. Whether it is recent or in the past…I’m sorry. Sorry if you have ever felt like you are the one being singled out for this incredibly hard journey, sorry that you have had to gone through all the emotional and physical pain, sorry that there is nothing I can really say to make it better.

I hope it gets easier for us all. I hope time heals all wounds and grants us clarity to accept what can not be change. I hope we all get what I desperately believe we all deserve.

 

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Filed under Depression, Infertility, It's not always about me, Miscarriage

Written Wednesday: Harry Potter

I picked up Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone for the first time when I was 13 years old. As I have mentioned at the time I was in to only one type of books: cheesy romances. I was stuck in a genre that now activates my gag reflex and would not entertain reading anything that did not fall into that genre.

My little brother had read all four books (all that was out at the time) and encouraged me to start them. All I knew about them is they were about wizards and magic. Definitely not up my alley at all. My memories are foggy as to how he convinced me to give it a try but somehow he did it. I finished the first with feeling iffy. I was not yet hooked but I did decide to go on. I FLEW through the second book. I had a bit of a harder time getting into the 3rd but once I did it quickly became my favorite in the series. I was officially hooked.

What started then was a great adventure for me and Harry Potter. 13 years old, going through the “gawky” stage, and very unsure of myself when I started the series to 22 years old, confident in my job and life, and a mere weeks away from being engaged when the last book came out.

I have such fond memories of those times. I went to the midnight releases for books 5, 6, and 7. I have no shame admitting I cried my way through the last book. Chapter 34 “The Forest Again” is my favorite chapter of the series. I think it is so beautifully written, it nailed all the emotions that had built up through out the book. It was amazing to me. I finished the book within 24 hours and when I shut the book I felt a sense of grief. It was over. I wished I taken my time to enjoy it a bit more, but I know I never would have been able to. I was too enraptured.

For me Harry Potter represents my childhood. I feel like the characters are friends that I shared my teenage years with. I went to the 5th book midnight release with my best friend, a boy whom I was convinced I was going to marry. I went to the 7th book release with the man who I did marry, the love of my life J. I actually don’t know if I can find the words to express how much these books mean to me. They are always a comfort when I feel a little down or am going through troubled times. I can pick them up and I am transported to another time and place. Even though I could probably repeat some of the lines if I cared to try, they pull me in every time. It doesn’t matter how many times I read them, they still capture me.

So I say thank you to J.K. Rowling. Thank you for all the adventures. Thank you for the memories. Thank you for creating a world that feels as real to me as  life. And even though I may be a little older than most of the students, I’ll still gladly accept my Hogwarts letter any time.

I leave you with this final note:  Snape, Snape, Severus Snape. DUMBLEDORE!

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Paranoia strikes again!

Today I went to the OB today to follow-up with the crazy and make sure that another cyst had not taken up residence on my only remaining ovary. Big sigh of relief inserted here. Everything looks great, no dominant cysts on good ole’ lefty and my doctor even said that based on the scan she does indeed believe that I have ovulated! My lining was nice and thick and had what she called a “triple strip” which is usually present after ovulation because of increased progesterone in the system.

She said the cause of discomfort is likely due to the fact that I ovulated. There was some free fluid in the area that she said was most likely from the follicle where the egg came out. She said that this happens sometimes and its nothing to be too concerned about unless the pain is really intense, which mine is not. In fact it has gone down the past few days. I mostly just feel a little bloated and oddly enough the free fluid decided to settle right in the space that my right ovary used to occupy. She said it was a bit odd because the fluid usually stays on the side you ovulated from but hey if there is an empty spot why not take it?

I did ask her to run a blood progesterone test just to be sure that I have ovulated but I feel like I have now. I’ll get the blood results back tomorrow. She also mentioned that in the future when I get pregnant again (when!) she would be happy to do the betas for me in her office since she knows I am not exactly keen on my current RE. I don’t know if she will do early ultrasounds though so I will have to find that out. WHEN!

So basically I learned that I am crazy. Its cool, I’d rather be the crazy paranoid patient that drives my doctor crazy rather than the one the didn’t express her concerns and ends up losing her other ovary and any hope of a baby. I accept the crazy.

*EDIT: I forgot to mention that I have decided to keep taking the Vitex. My doctor said there should be no harm in taking it and I feel like it made me ovulate sooner than I normally would have. So yay!

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Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Infertility, PCOS

May ICLW

First of all thank you to all those who reassured me in my last post. I am 99% sure that I was completely over-reacting, but I am still planning on seeing my OB on Tuesday just to be on the safe side. I’ve also decided I will ask her for a blood progesterone test to see if I ovulated because my body is still giving me mixed signals.

If you are new here from ICLW – welcome to my screwed up life.

We have been TTC since December 2010. I was diagnosed with PCOS and anovulation. We did 4 failed cycles of Clomid, the last one resulted in a large cyst on my right ovary that ruptured in December of 2011. Little did we know we had not heard the last of this cyst. We thought all was well but ended up back in the ER January 14th, 2012 with extreme stomach pain. My ovary was extremely enlarged and  had never healed properly and had suffered from ovarian torsion, by the time they got me into surgery there was nothing to be done and they had to remove the ovary.

I was heart-broken but it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. After the surgery I started ovulating on my own, something I hadn’t done in over a year. We were hopeful and were rewarded with a natural BFP in April. I was beyond thrilled, but started spotting at 5+4 weeks we were back in the ER where they told us we had a 50% chance of the pregnancy surviving as I was still bleeding and my HCG was no longer doubling (but it was going up). We finally got confirmation that the pregnancy was over at 6+3 weeks when my HCG dropped from 1212 to 314 in 3 days.

Now I’m just trying to put the pieces back together. I have my good days and bad, I’m hopeful yet unsure, pretty much a big mess. I can only hope that my body will cooperate and will still be ovulating on its own so that just maybe we can have another shot. The people in this community have been a bigger help to me than I can ever express, I am so grateful to them for sticking with me through this hard time.

I look forward to getting to know all of you this week. Happy ICLW!

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Filed under Betas, Clomid, Infertility, Miscarriage, PCOS

I’m not the world’s greatest thinker

After the miscarriage my biggest fear is that my body would revert back to how it was before the surgery – not ovulating. I’m still a little traumatized by the whole cyst/losing an ovary experience so I am not exactly keen on having to go back to the RE anytime soon.

So I decided to take matters into my own hands. I wrote about how I saw my new Endo and getting put on Metformin, that was step 1. But I also decided to take Vitex (Chaste Berry). I’ve heard a lot of good things about it, even during the Fertility Telesummit conference back in March. It is used to help regulate cycles and increase progesterone – both things that I need.

I started taking both of these before the miscarriage had officially finished, I figured why wait? But now I am concerned that I royally screwed up. It never occurred to me to look up the link between Vitex and cysts in PCOS patients. There isn’t a whole lot of information on the subject that I could find, but what I did find was not exactly comforting. It said that Vitex can act like Clomid – which caused George.

The reason that I started looking all this up is because I’ve been feeling a bit of pressure down near my left ovary regions. Also the past few times that J and I have done the deed there has definitely been some pressure that has never been present before, I won’t say pain because it doesn’t really hurt, but it is starting to concern me. What if I took this herb and caused another cyst? What is going to happen?

I called my OB today and explained what is going on, but I can’t get in to see her till next Tuesday. I think it should be fine, even if there is a cyst I doubt it has had enough time to grow to George status and cause issues, but I’m thinking till I know for sure maybe I should stop taking the Vitex. Who knows, maybe I’m just being paranoid which I’ve been known to do in the past.

Any of my fellow PCOSer’s have any experiences with Vitex? Am I being completely irrational with my fears?

The other thing that is odd is I think I may have ovulated… Bizarre no? I’m not positive but I started getting the sensitive nips which is always a sign of ovulation for me on Tuesday. So yesterday and this morning I took my temp. Wednesday was in a pre-O range, but I’m a slow riser which I’ve proved in the past and today was high. BUT I’ve also heard that Vitex can increase your progesterone so it might be that. I just don’t know. I’ll continue to check my temp until I’ve figured this whole mess out.

Why do I not think before I do?

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Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Miscarriage, PCOS, questions