Pretty much describes my life at the moment. I got my final HCG test back today. 3 – officially no longer pregnant. Such a bittersweet moment. When they called me to inform me of the results the nurse asked me what my plans where…basically asking if I would be coming back to them for more treatments. Um…NO. I have some issues with my current RE that I really need to explain in another post.

I basically just told them that we are holding on to the hope that my body is going to cooperate and continue to ovulate on its own. If that is the case then we want to try naturally…I mean that’s how we got here so why not give it another go?

I feel very disconnected about the whole thing. Not really sure why.

I am currently on my 4th medication to clear out an ear infection. That’s right. 4. I have pretty much been sick non stop for over a month now. 4 ear infections, bronchitis, a really bad sunburn over the weekend, which ended up leading to sun poisoning the past 2 days. I seriously can’t catch a break.

Not to mention that in the process of getting the fore mentioned sunburn I had to listen to some really ignorant people. We were at the beach with a bunch of people from J’s work. Those people also invited people from all around so the ones that I am talking about I don’t actually know. Anyways I’m lying on the beach trying to snooze and a group of 3 obnoxious girls can’t keep their traps shut. They started joking around that one of them was 3 months pregnant, which of course caught my attention because…you know…babies, so the girl starts denying it and they go into this whole “joke” about how she was hoping for a miscarriage. They even brought up how they hoped it was ectopic so it would have to be aborted or how if not they would use a hanger to take care of it.

Seriously…you can’t make this shit up.

I had to grab J and walk away because I was close to tears. Obviously they don’t know me or my situation but SERIOUSLY? How STUPID and IGNORANT can you get. That is NOT stuff to make light of, I don’t care if you are drunk or joking around or just plain dumb as hell. This is not a joke to all of us struggling every day. The real kicker is I bet any one of these girls could get pregnant the first month they tried. Life kind of sucks that way.

So yeah. Fun times. I woke up Monday morning severely nauseated and ended up spending all day in bed between running to the toilet to vomit every hour or so. I’m starting to get really worried about my job. I haven’t been the most reliable employee lately, they have been nice about it, very understanding, but I know things are not looking good. We are having our big once a year fundraiser this weekend and I’m supposed to work but after I called out today they pulled me from the schedule. They said it is because they want me to take the time to take care of myself but I know it is because they don’t feel like they can depend on my anymore. I can’t really blame them for that. I just hate being so unreliable at a job I used to excel at.

Anyways, this post ended up coming out a lot more depressing then I meant it to be. I do think part of my issue right now is that I got off my anxiety / depression medication when I got pregnant and I haven’t gotten back on it. I don’t feel depressed, on the contrary, I think I’m doing really damn good considering all that happened. But I can’t ignore the anxiety either. I’m gonna give it another week or so and revisit the idea again, but I really don’t want to use the medication if I don’t have to . Hopefully I’ll still have a job by then too. Sigh. I think I need to go to bed now.



Filed under Depression, Infertility, Just my luck, Living Life, Miscarriage, Sickness

15 responses to “Blah.

  1. Comments like those make me want to bang my head into a wall. WHY is it ok for women like that (girls?) to joke about things like miscarriage, etc, when all we want is the CHANCE? I’m so sorry you had to hear that on top of everyone else. 😦

  2. I can totally relate with the work aspect too but you know I think if other women we worked with were facing our individual situations, they’d be struggling too.

    I’ve had way too many sick days this year. Something I’m not proud of but like my mum says health comes first.

  3. EmHart

    I suffer with anxiety too. It sucks and I hope you find you don’t need to go back to the meds. Sending hugs babe x x x

  4. Ack! I’m so sorry. The world is full of crappy people. I’m sorry you were subjected to a gaggle of them in the midst of both grief and illness. That stinks. I hope you start feeling better soon. A month is too long.

  5. Wow, I’m not sure I could have kept my mouth shut around those girls. Might have pulled out my most adult voice and told them how *inappropriate* and insensitive their public conversation was. And I’ll bet you’re right and any one of them could get knocked up without thinking twice. Because the universe just sucks like that.

    Are you going to temp or use OPKs to track whether or not you are ovulating from now on? I am praying your body will stay with the program so you don’t have to go back to the RE. Wouldn’t it be incredible to have a baby the old-fashioned way??

    • I might start temping again now that my HCG is down just to see what is going on with my body, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to pull out the thermometer yet. It would be incredible, that is what we are hoping for but I have to go back I have to go back.

  6. Regarding those girls: I would have lost it. Completely lost it. What an ignorant, selfish, cruel thing to say. I would never wish infertility on anyone, so instead I hope they all spend the rest of their lives single and shunned. And may the birth control be highly effective.

    Regarding work: do any of your supervisors know that you’ve just lost your pregnancy? I’m pretty private, but sometimes letting the boss know why your performance is down can be helpful. But this is something you need to gauge. If there is someone you feel you can trust, I would consider leveling with them.

    I’m so sorry your sick and I really hope you begin to feel better soon. Sending many, MANY hugs.

    • My boss knows about the miscarriage but I haven’t gotten a chance to sit down and REALLY talk to her about what is going on. I’m pretty out of the closet infertility wise but I’ve never really been comfortable sharing it with my work but I think I need to so they understand a little bit more of why I am such a wreck.

  7. M

    Those girls need serious vag kicks. I hope you start to feel better soon. ((hugs))

  8. Tami

    Do you need me to bring you soup?! Because I’ll totally drive some soup down to you right now. And while I’m there, I will track down those little bitches and stick forks in their eyes. Then you’ll feel better and so will I and we’ll go out for ice cream. K?

    • Mmmm Tami and ice cream, sounds like a pretty good idea to me! Infertility must make us violent people because I was thinking about ways to cause them physical harm too, I’m just evil enough that your plan made me snicker with pleasure.

  9. veetamia

    How are you doing?? Sounds like you had to dealt with a completely insensitive and crappy situation in the best way possible, I probably would have called them off if I was there.
    This completely sucks, but I’m hoping that you have a better day tomorrow (although it’s already tomorrow on this side of the world!), and that your body continues with the good vibes and you get on your way to having a baby soon! You deserve it lovely.
    Let me know if you’d like me to send some German chocolates for comfort 😉 I’m way overdue with some packets I need to send, and would love to send you some too. Hugs

  10. I am so very sorry Trisha xxx

  11. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I probably would have given them a big piece of my mind! I hope you feel better soon.

  12. Pingback: Pretty over this |

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