Pretty much describes my life at the moment. I got my final HCG test back today. 3 – officially no longer pregnant. Such a bittersweet moment. When they called me to inform me of the results the nurse asked me what my plans where…basically asking if I would be coming back to them for more treatments. Um…NO. I have some issues with my current RE that I really need to explain in another post.
I basically just told them that we are holding on to the hope that my body is going to cooperate and continue to ovulate on its own. If that is the case then we want to try naturally…I mean that’s how we got here so why not give it another go?
I feel very disconnected about the whole thing. Not really sure why.
I am currently on my 4th medication to clear out an ear infection. That’s right. 4. I have pretty much been sick non stop for over a month now. 4 ear infections, bronchitis, a really bad sunburn over the weekend, which ended up leading to sun poisoning the past 2 days. I seriously can’t catch a break.
Not to mention that in the process of getting the fore mentioned sunburn I had to listen to some really ignorant people. We were at the beach with a bunch of people from J’s work. Those people also invited people from all around so the ones that I am talking about I don’t actually know. Anyways I’m lying on the beach trying to snooze and a group of 3 obnoxious girls can’t keep their traps shut. They started joking around that one of them was 3 months pregnant, which of course caught my attention because…you know…babies, so the girl starts denying it and they go into this whole “joke” about how she was hoping for a miscarriage. They even brought up how they hoped it was ectopic so it would have to be aborted or how if not they would use a hanger to take care of it.
Seriously…you can’t make this shit up.
I had to grab J and walk away because I was close to tears. Obviously they don’t know me or my situation but SERIOUSLY? How STUPID and IGNORANT can you get. That is NOT stuff to make light of, I don’t care if you are drunk or joking around or just plain dumb as hell. This is not a joke to all of us struggling every day. The real kicker is I bet any one of these girls could get pregnant the first month they tried. Life kind of sucks that way.
So yeah. Fun times. I woke up Monday morning severely nauseated and ended up spending all day in bed between running to the toilet to vomit every hour or so. I’m starting to get really worried about my job. I haven’t been the most reliable employee lately, they have been nice about it, very understanding, but I know things are not looking good. We are having our big once a year fundraiser this weekend and I’m supposed to work but after I called out today they pulled me from the schedule. They said it is because they want me to take the time to take care of myself but I know it is because they don’t feel like they can depend on my anymore. I can’t really blame them for that. I just hate being so unreliable at a job I used to excel at.
Anyways, this post ended up coming out a lot more depressing then I meant it to be. I do think part of my issue right now is that I got off my anxiety / depression medication when I got pregnant and I haven’t gotten back on it. I don’t feel depressed, on the contrary, I think I’m doing really damn good considering all that happened. But I can’t ignore the anxiety either. I’m gonna give it another week or so and revisit the idea again, but I really don’t want to use the medication if I don’t have to . Hopefully I’ll still have a job by then too. Sigh. I think I need to go to bed now.