Pretty over this

My body hates me. Seriously, it seems to formulate plans on how to bring out the highest amount of misery in my life. Maybe it is trying to get back at me for all the Twinkies and hoho’s from my youth.

This weeks torture: Nausea.

Like, serious nausea. Ever since I had sun poisioning last week I have been nauseous. There have been days that I have had to take some left over anti-nausea medication from my surgery even. It’s ridiculous. But worse…it’s messing with my mind. Because the truth is I should be feeling sick, but I should also be 9 weeks pregnant today which I most definitely am not.

If I didn’t know for a fact that my HCG last Tuesday was at a 3 and my progesterone at .10 then I really would think I’m pregnant. I’m sick, exhausted, and TMI but all of a sudden I have more CM then I’ve ever had. My body is so confused.

The other thought I had was that maybe I was about to ovulate, but my doctor said that after a miscarriage your body will not start the ovulation process till your HCG is less than 5. On Monday April 30th my HCG was 24. So even if it was completely gone by the next day at the most I am on CD 14 today (doubtful) which the earliest I’ve ever ovulated was CD 19. Plus this stuff has been going on for a week. I am somewhat tempted to break out my thermometer and chart just to see if I do ovulate this cycle, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to actually do it.

I’m in a bit of a dour mood lately. It’s been confusing because up until this week I was doing so well dealing with everything. But I have a theory about what is going on. About 2 years ago a good friend of mine got pregnant. She had been taking anxiety/depression medication but quit cold turkey as soon as she found out. I was a bit worried about it because I know how hard it is to stop taking meds like that suddenly. But she did great, she sailed through her pregnancy and only recently just got back on her medication (her daughter is almost 1).

During that time she had spoken to her doctor about everything and he seemed to think that sometimes pregnancy hormones cause an increase in serotonin, making you feel happier and less anxious. In some cases this makes the need for medication unnecessary during pregnancy and while breastfeeding.

I also got off my medication as soon as I found out I was pregnant and I felt great. I was happier than ever (obviously being pregnant was part of that) and felt no need for medication at all. Even after I knew it was over I still felt good about everything. The thing is up until last week I still had pregnancy hormones in me, now I don’t. Now I’m sad. Now I am back to the crazy infertile girl who hates anyone* who dares walk by me with a baby, or a big pregnant belly, or a toddler, or even worse…all three.

Baby on Board sticker on your car? Hate you.

See you carrying a shopping bag from the maternity store? Hate you.

Pregnant and complaining about how you miss drinking? HAHAHA pass me another beer while I hate you!

I’m getting back on my medication, because obviously, I need it. For right now at least. I thought maybe I could get away with not going back on it but I also know that feeling this way does not help anything. So I’m gonna bite the bullet and do what I can to help myself.

Now if my body will just do the same and let me move on to whatever is next for us.

On another note my heart is aching for Jen at the loss of her baby girl Ainsley. Ainsley’s twin Evelyn died at birth and Ainsley has been living at the NICU since she was born 17 months ago. It seems so unfair for her to lose Ainsley this way after she has already lost so much. If you feel so inclined, hop over and giver her some love and support.

*I have to remind you that I am a very sarcastic person and absolutely NONE of this applies to anyone in the IF community. There have been a ton of BFP’s lately and I am thrilled for every last one of you. I don’t hate any of you, I don’t know if I ever could because of all the love and mushy stuff that I feel for you. Seriously.



Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Depression, It's not always about me, Miscarriage, Sickness

6 responses to “Pretty over this

  1. They put response to pregnant women complaining about missing drinking = snorting on my end. Mainly because I’ve never heard a fellow IFer complain about this (that and they refuse to use the terms “parasite” or “tumor” when referring to their pregnancy).

    Look, you need to do what you need to do during this time. Medication is nothing to be embarassed about, considering it can really help. And I’m so sorry your body is sending mixed messages. I hope you feel better soon. In the meantime, sending you love and light.

  2. I think how you are feeling is totally normal and healthy. Sounds like all things considered, you are coping well. Praying for your miracle soon!

  3. Ugh, sun poisoning is so horrible. I hope you feel better soon. I have been off my meds for almost 3 years. I was weaned off before we started trying. Some days I feel like I should go back on them. You have to take care of you.
    Hehe. Pass me another beer while I hate you, really got me laughing.

  4. Tami

    I’ve sunk to a new low. Glaring and evil thoughts no longer suffice. I now resort to actually whispering “bitch” under my breath at each and every pregnant woman I see. One of these days I’m going to get busted, but you know what? Don’t care.

    I’m so going to hell.

  5. I really hope you feel better very soon and I am still praying for your little miracle xxx

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