I wish I could find some Zen. I am very much lacking at the moment. Most days I’m really good, I mean surprisingly good. I smile, I laugh, I joke around. And it is all sincere. But at night, when I crawl into bed there is a time before I fall asleep that I let my guards all down. I become vulnerable for those moments and I can’t stop my mind from leading there. The place that I don’t want to think about. I dredge up the pain and suffering I’ve felt the past 2 months…or more accurately the past year and a half.
I cry because I’m still childless and not pregnant a year later. I cry because I’ve had friends who have conceived and given birth in the time I’ve desperately struggled just to get pregnant. I cry because of the bitterness and jealously I harbor towards people who do not deserve it. And mostly I just cry because I’m frustrated and sad.
But I can’t help my mind from going there at night. Seriously I will be thinking of something that has NOTHING to do with babies or pregnancy but still my mind dredges up all these painful thoughts. It’s kind of messing with my psyche. Because in the light of day I feel hopeful, even confident that the things I dream of will come to pass. But every night the doubt and anxiety creep in. I don’t know how to escape it.
It doesn’t help that I have NO idea what is going on with my body. One might think that since I ovulated right after the miscarriage, rather quickly too, that I might have a little more confidence. But no. Here I am on CD 12 utterly confused as to what is happening. Yesterday I started having EWCM but my cervix seemed low. When I checked later the EWCM was gone. Today I had a little, but my cervix was hard. All OPK’s are a definite negative. Not that that means much, OPK’s have never worked for me. I just thought I’d give it a try. Temp’s are still low so I know O hasn’t come yet but I have no idea when to expect it. Before the miscarriage I was O’ing between CD 19-21. But who knows now, especially since I’m on Vitex which I’ve heard can move up ovulation. So yeah. At a loss.
I think the first step I need to take is to get rid of my old pregnancy tests. Yes, you read that correctly. I still have my positive pregnancy tests sitting in my bathroom closet. I haven’t been able to bring myself to throw them out. They represented so much hope to me and I’ve already lost so much that I think I’ve been afraid of losing that physical evidence that I can get pregnant. Last weekend I even cleaned out the closet because my brother and sister-in-law are coming to stay with us next week. I threw out a bunch of old random junk, organized the closet, then neatly stacked the pregnancy tests in the corner. This isn’t healthy. And it’s kinda gross.
So I’m going to take that step tonight. I’m going to go home and throw them out. I hope. Then maybe zen will follow, hopefully accompanied by a night without tears.