In the dark of the night

I wish I could find some Zen. I am very much lacking at the moment. Most days I’m really good, I mean surprisingly good. I smile, I laugh, I joke around. And it is all sincere. But at night, when I crawl into bed there is a time before I fall asleep that I let my guards all down. I become vulnerable for those moments and I can’t stop my mind from leading there. The place that I don’t want to think about. I dredge up the pain and suffering I’ve felt the past 2 months…or more accurately the past year and a half.

I cry because I’m still childless and not pregnant a year later. I cry because I’ve had friends who have conceived and given birth in the time I’ve desperately struggled just to get pregnant. I cry because of the bitterness and jealously I harbor towards people who do not deserve it. And mostly I just cry because I’m frustrated and sad.

But I can’t help my mind from going there at night. Seriously I will be thinking of something that has NOTHING to do with babies or pregnancy but still my mind dredges up all these painful thoughts. It’s kind of messing with my psyche. Because in the light of day I feel hopeful, even confident that the things I dream of will come to pass. But every night the doubt and anxiety creep in. I don’t know how to escape it.

It doesn’t help that I have NO idea what is going on with my body. One might think that since I ovulated right after the miscarriage, rather quickly too, that I might have a little more confidence. But no. Here I am on CD 12 utterly confused as to what is happening. Yesterday I started having EWCM but my cervix seemed low. When I checked later the EWCM was gone. Today I had a little, but my cervix was hard. All OPK’s are a definite negative. Not that that means much, OPK’s have never worked for me. I just thought I’d give it a try. Temp’s are still low so I know O hasn’t come yet but I have no idea when to expect it. Before the miscarriage I was O’ing between CD 19-21. But who knows now, especially since I’m on Vitex which I’ve heard can move up ovulation. So yeah. At a loss.

I think the first step I need to take is to get rid of my old pregnancy tests. Yes, you read that correctly. I still have my positive pregnancy tests sitting in my bathroom closet. I haven’t been able to bring myself to throw them out. They represented so much hope to me and I’ve already lost so much that I think I’ve been afraid of losing that physical evidence that I can get pregnant. Last weekend I even cleaned out the closet because my brother and sister-in-law are coming to stay with us next week. I threw out a bunch of old random junk, organized the closet, then neatly stacked the pregnancy tests in the corner. This isn’t healthy. And it’s kinda gross.

So I’m going to take that step tonight. I’m going to go home and throw them out. I hope. Then maybe zen will follow, hopefully accompanied by a night without tears.

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10 Comments

Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Depression, Infertility, Miscarriage, PCOS

10 responses to “In the dark of the night

  1. wowiampregnant

    If I didn’t know any better…I could have have sworn that I typed up your post! I still have one of my positive HPT’s in the back of a drawer in my bathroom (I miscarried in March). I also have a folder of pictures I took of a couple of them on an external hard drive…not sure why I feel the need to hang onto it all.

    Nights are tough – I totally agree. I pride myself on being able to fall asleep really easily…at least I used to. The human mind is such a mystery – how on earth can one be positive and happy during the day, and feel broken at night?

    Best of luck and lots of happy baby thoughts for you!

  2. I still have my old pregnancy tests, too, as well as the first photos in what would have been a series of belly shots. (The control group, if you will.) I don’t know why I can’t throw the sticks away. I guess I just can’t lose this little reminder of what we had for a few short weeks.

    Those dark-of-the-night moments are brutal. There’s something about lying there in the dark that allows everything to bubble up. I’m sorry you’re going through this … it’s not easy, but it will get better.

  3. DandelionBreeze

    I only just threw mine away recently… it’s hard to let them go. Thinking of you at those difficult times at night… and hoping the months to come bring you closer to your dream xoxo

  4. Tami

    Ive been keeping my one and only positive pregnancy test in my desk drawer. I was thinking I could use it as a decorative accent on our bookshelves or maybe a plant stake. Or maybe I will take strength from my friend and let go of the past. Ill keep you posted. xo

  5. veetamia

    I have my pregnancy tests too…put them inside a ziplock bag and dated them, and then stashed them in a drawer. As much as I want to move fwd, I feel like if I give them up completely, that means that it didn’t happen. And I don’t want to lose that. But I can see how it can also make it difficult to move on. What a dilemma. Wouldn’t it be nice to get a glimpse of our futures to know for sure we will get there?? Then, we don’t have to worry about what to get rid of today. Sigh. Sending you hugs!

  6. Kathryn

    From these comments, you can see what you are not strange. I was only able to throw out my one positive test once my son was born. And it was still hard.

  7. I threw my away in a storm of rage and grief after I came home from the fatal ultrasound. A couple of weeks later I read about a woman’s experience of burying her tests as a way to say goodbye. I thought that was beautiful and I was sad that I callously tossed mine away. It would have been nice to end the journey with a bit more honor and love.

  8. I’m not sure I really have anything helpful to say, but I’m thinking of you and hoping you find some peace soon.

  9. Oh, I still have my old HPT tests, too…all 6 of them, all positive, and now all stuffed into a memory box of The Baby Who Almost Was. Gross, right? I hope, if you do throw them away, that it helps in some small way. And that those dark moments before you fall asleep will someday (soon) get easier. Thinking of you!

  10. Pingback: Back in the TWW |

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