Monthly Archives: July 2012

9 Week Bumpdate

How Far Along: 9+2 Weeks

What is up with Maybe Baby: MB is now the size of a Green Olive. My uterus is the size of a grapefruit…and it feels like it.  MB’s heart is now dividing into 4 chambers and the embryonic tail is completely gone. The placenta is now formed enough to start taking over the job of producing hormones. In my case I hope it does it soon so I can get off the 3x a day Crinone mess.

What is up with my body: This week has been interesting to me. Some of my symptoms have definitely started to wane a bit which of course scares me to death. It did not help when I received Tami’s sad news. But I am trying to be positive and confident since I am getting closer to my second trimester. I am still very tired and my boobs still hurt but I often wonder if that is because of MB or the amount of progesterone I’m taking.

My nausea has been reduced dramatically. I still feel it a little bit here and there throughout the day but not to the same extent anymore. Sometimes I even wonder if I am making it all up in my head because I NEED to feel like it hasn’t disappeared completely.

This will be the longest I’ve gone since our 6 week scan without seeing MB and making sure all is well. I know how lucky I am to have gotten to see MB so frequently but it is honestly making me a nervous wreck. I just want to know that that little heart is still beating strong and that all my fears are unfounded. But I will have to try to be calm and patient since our next look will not be till a week from tomorrow.

Cravings: Still nothing major.

Aversions: I’m still struggling finding things that sound and taste good to eat. A lot of times I end up eating cereal when all else fails.

Gender: Please still have a beating heart…I don’t care about much else.

Best moment of the week: Seeing MB right before we left of vacation. It is amazing how much bigger MB looked in just a week. It was also so great to be able to tell my little brothers that if all goes well they will all be Uncles in March.

Looking forward to: My 10 week ultrasound. It can’t come soon enough, although I’m sure once it is here I’ll be so scared that I won’t want to go.

Other: A little rant about insurance here. So when I had my blood drawn this week to check my progesterone it never entered my mind that they would have to raise the dose AGAIN. I mean I was one Prometrium 2 times a day and Crinone 2 times a day. Seems like plenty, no? Well my body says NAY! And they decided to add another dose of Crinone a day. Problem was, I only packed enough for 2 times a day. Yes, I have been very lucky that my office has supplied me with all my Crinone for free. But now we had no choice to call it in to the pharmacy. I was expecting to get screwed financially by this. I know some of my friends told me how much theirs was costing and I expected around the same numbers.

But then I get to the pharmacy and they tell me for 15 doses of Crinone it would cost me $419…and insurance would pay nothing. NOTHING. SERIOUSLY?!?! I about puked. For me 15 doses is a mere 5 days worth. If my office was not supplying me there is NO way we’d be able to afford this! It is unbelievable! Luckily I had a prescription discount card that you can use in case of insurance denial. The girl was convinced that it would only save me a few dollars but I had her run it and it took our total down to $269. Still unreal. But better. So yes…my placenta needs to take over the progesterone production ASAP. I can’t handle anymore of this.

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Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, First Trimester, Infertility, Just my luck, PCOS, Pregnancy, Weekly Update

Grief.

I am so terribly saddened today by the news that my dear friend Tami found out her little one no longer has a heartbeat. Tami and I got our BFP’s a week apart and were actually dated to be due on the same day. She is the one blogger I have met in real life and I consider a true and good friend. I am absolutely devastated for her right now. Makes my whining about progesterone seem so petty. Please keep her in your thoughts right now as she is going through an extremely difficult time.

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Filed under Depression, It's not always about me, Miscarriage

My body fails at life.

Sorry I’m posting this a bit late, we’ve been on the road so I didn’t get a chance to update you all on our scan on Tuesday. MB is doing great and is getting so big! Heart rate was up to 170 bpm which Dr. said is fantastic. You could also see the arms, legs, umbilical cord, and the amniotic sac surrounding the baby. It is really amazing to me what a difference a week can make.

My body is however fighting the power with this whole progesterone thing. Had another blood draw and even with taking Crinone 2 times a day in addition to Prometirum twice a day, my progesterone level was only 20.67. Yes this is in the normal first trimester range, and there is also going to be a higher dosage near my uterus that does not register on a blood test but they still would like to see my blood work at least at 30. So now I get to do Crinone 3 times a day! Lucky me! But of course I only packed enough for twice a day so it is off to the pharmacy I go. I’ve been really lucky because my RE office has a ton of Crinone samples and they have basically supplied it all for me for free. So I shouldn’t be mad that I have to pay for a few doses. Well 12 really. But yeah.

I’m mostly just frustrated that my body is being so damn stubborn. I’m really grateful that I have a doctor that is watching this so closely and is doing whatever needs to be done to keep MB growing, it’s just aggravating that my body is not helping at all.

Stupid pregnant girl problems…I know.

Sorry about the whinny woe-is-me post. Just had to vent for a bit. In the mean time I am out-of-town but I’ll still try to post bumpdates and what not since really our only plans for this vacation is to sit around and be lazy.

I’ve gotta thank Kelly again for sending my some preggy pops. They seriously helped me on our car ride SO much. Thanks love!

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Filed under First Trimester, Just my luck, PCOS, Pregnancy, Scans

8 Week Bumpdate

How Far Along: Based on my LMP I am 8+2 weeks. Based on the last 2 ultrasounds I am exactly 8 weeks today. I’m pretty sure they will end up pushing my due date back 2 days because MB is consistently 2 days behind my LMP which makes sense because I ovulated on CD 16 not 14 when I conceived.

What is up with Maybe Baby: MB is now the size of a Raspberry! J considers this huge which makes me giggle. This week MB will have webbed fingers and toes poking out from their hands and feet. MB can now move its arms and legs around freely and the little tail is now almost gone!

What is up with my body: Week 7 was a rough one for me. The nausea was horrible. So imagine my surprise (and panic) when I wake up today and I feel pretty darn good! Usually weekday mornings are the worst because I don’t get enough sleep because I work so early. I spend usually a good 4 hours at work in misery but I am here and feeling okay. I know I should not panic because symptoms come and go but it is a good thing that I have an ultrasound tomorrow because the lack of nausea makes me a little nervous. Because I’ve written this I will probably start throwing up tonight.

Boobs still hurt which I take as a good sign. I’ve officially been moved up to progesterone supplements two times a day because my progesterone only went up to 23 (from 20) last week. This is still a very acceptable number they are just very cautious with me because they know if I don’t take the progesterone my body will not make enough on its own. I’m fine with it. I’m lucky in that my office supplies me with the progesterone through samples so I have not had to pay any extra for them.

I think I may be starting to get a little bump. Till this point I’ve considered it all bloat but last night J gave me a hug and immediately looked down and said “where did that come from?” He said my belly feels slightly bigger and harder which took him by surprise. I actually even broke down and bought a belly band this weekend. I really didn’t want to have to do that so early but the waist of my jeans all cut into my stomach now. Plus I’m going on vacation for a week and a half and I know I’m probably going to need it to feel comfortable in my clothes.

Cravings: Nothing major. It varies day-to-day.

Aversions: When I’m feeling nauseous, nothing sounds good. It’s so frustrating because I know eating will make me feel better yet I can’t bring myself to do it.

Gender: Seems like so far away till we get to know! But as of right now MB does not even have fully formed genitles.

Best moment of the week: Seeing how much MB had grown from the last scan and how much faster the heart beat was! A huge relief!

Looking forward to: My ultrasound tomorrow and then VACATION! We’ve decided that if all looks good after the scan tomorrow we will tell my brothers about the pregnancy when we are home. My parents already know and I’m still very hesitant to tell many people but I feel like my brothers deserve to know. MB will (hopefully) be the first grandchild/niece/nephew in my family.

Other: I think I covered it all this week. Only 4 more weeks in the first trimester! I can’t wait to move on!

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Filed under First Trimester, Pregnancy, Weekly Update

Not your regularly scheduled programing

I started this blog to vent/whine/bitch about the fact the everyone around me seemed to be pregnant or having babies when it looked like it was almost impossible for me. The past 18 months of my life have been the hardest, most trying times I’ve ever gone through. Will probably ever go through in fact. This blog served as an outlet for me to let go of all the negative energy I was carrying. I was able to unburden myself in a way that I had never experienced before. And for some reason, people read it. They commented. They accepted me into this community that I had not know existed. A community that in a lot of ways saved me.

So what do you do when you situation turns around? When you are no longer struggling but…dare I say it? Happy.

I’ve always considered this blog a sort of diary for me. I was never good at writing in journals. In fact when I look back at the ones I wrote in as a child it is mortifying. But I can read back on the posts here and feel proud of what I said. Because it has been so REAL. I’m good with masks. I put them on for people so they can not see how vulnerable and hurt I am. I do it with pretty much everyone. J is exception, as is my mom. I can’t think of anyone else who is. Not even my therapist. (Shame on me, I know, but I can’t help it.) This blog has been a window into my dark thoughts that I never let anyone else hear. But right now…my thoughts are becoming clearer. The windows are letting in sunshine and rainbows. And I sometimes don’t feel like I can post my sunshine and rainbows here for fear of hurting others feelings. Of making them feel how I felt whenever I read about someone else’s joys of pregnancy. Misery loves company I guess.

Now when I say that I hope no one takes it the wrong way. I have been SO touched by the people who continue to read and comment on my posts. I know it is not easy because I’ve done the same thing when people on my blogroll have gotten pregnant and happy. It sucks to be the one left behind. But you guys, what can I say? I wish I could real-life hug every single one of you because I feel that I know you all. And your support means more to me then I can ever put into words.

But I digress, the point of this was post was to kind of explain where my mind is at the moment. Honestly, I’m not ready to give up this blog. It is my infertility security blanket and I am certainly not ready to give it up. So I will post. I will post about things that drive people crazy like pregnancy and the possibility that I might actually be bringing home a baby in March. There will be a fair amount of freak-outs too. I’m infertile. Therefore I imagine anything that could possibly go wrong WILL go wrong. Every time I go for an ultrasound I will hold my breath and pray there is still a heart beat. I won’t look at the screen until my Dr. says those words. Because I’m scared of the other shoe.

If I am lucky enough to bring MB home…it doesn’t change much. I will still be infertile. I will still want another child and I will still have to fight for that dream. Eventually regularly scheduled programming will continue. But for now I’m on an extended commercial break. Filled with some actual positivity. Who wudda thunk it?

 

P.S. I have decided to make a “Maybe Baby” page where I will post ultrasound pictures and things of that nature. So those of you who DO want to see them you’ll find the link up top.

P.P.S. I know I haven’t done a Written Wednesday post in forever. I have not given it up! There has just been a lot going on but there are many books I’m dying to talk about so bear with me! I can’t guarantee it will happen this week because I will be driving most of the day Wednesday but I will try really hard to do one soon.

P.P.P.S. (wow I’m long winded today) A very special hug and thanks to Life is Good Today (I didn’t know if you wanted your first name published or not) who so sweetly send me her left over Preggie Pops to help me battle the All-Day Sickness monster that I’ve been dealing with! I haven’t tried them yet because I’m saving them for desperate times and our car trip but I am SO grateful to her. This is what I mean about this community, the support amazes me. Thank you again!

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Filed under First Trimester, If you're happy and you know it..., Infertility, Living Life, Pregnancy

The Beat Goes On

Ultrasound #2 was a success! MB is measuring right on at 7 weeks 1 day and has a heart rate of 145 bpm! I’m so happy I could dance!

There was a scary moment where the Dr. had a bad angle and MB only measured 6 weeks 4 days and let me tell you, my heart dropped to my stomach. But he re-adjusted the angle and measured 3 times to make sure and we are right on track. He was even able to point out the beginnings of arms and legs which was amazing.

The Dr. said we could skip a week before the next scan but I am actually going to be out of town my whole 9th week so I asked he if would do one next week for me before we left for my own peace of mind. He was great about this so I am scheduled again for next Tuesday. After I get back I will have my first OB appointment and then 1 more final RE appointment before I am officially no longer an infertility patient. At least for now.

So good news for today, I feel like I am walking on air. So grateful for this little bug.

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Filed under First Trimester, If you're happy and you know it..., Pregnancy, Scans

7 Week Bumpdate

How far along: 7 Weeks today

What is up with Maybe Baby: MB is now the size of a Blueberry! Yum…blueberries… MB’s arm and leg buds are now starting to grow! The umbilical cord is now visible and MB’s brain is growing at a rate of 100 cells per minute!

What is up with my body: The sickness got me this week. Although I prefer to call it All-day sickness rather than morning sickness. Pretty much if I am not eating or sleeping, I’m nauseous. No throwing up, just feeling like I want to. The only thing that I’ve found has helped is sucking on hard candies (peppermints and Werther’s) pretty much non-stop. The peppermints leave a weird aftertaste in my mouth that I am not fond of and J says the Werther’s make me smell like a grandma. But if it keeps the nausea away I don’t care. Yesterday I actually even had a can of Coke at work because I was feeling so sick and nothing was helping. That helped a lot, but it is not something I want to have to turn to very often. Only in desperate times.

J came home the other day and gave me a big hug. The first thing he said was “Your boobs are definitely bigger”. Then he cracked an evil smile. So apparently my boobs are growing. They still hurt pretty regularly as well. Also the big blue veins have made their appearance. So sexy.

I have a pretty awesome bloat bump going on. It’s almost depressing because in the right clothes…I LOOK pregnant. And no, I am not crazy. I know that is not MB. MB is currently nice and snug under my pelvic bone and wont start to rise for another 3-5 weeks. I know this. Yet I am so bloated that I could totally show it off and call it a baby bump and people would probably think I’m further along then I am. I’m really hoping the bloat goes away soon because I’d rather have my body get bigger because of MB, not gas.

Cravings: Nothing that is really jumping out to me. It depends on the day.

Aversions: Still having a hard time finding things that sound good to eat.

Gender: I have my suspicions, but we’ll save that for another day.

Best moment of the week: Without a doubt seeing MB’s little heartbeat. One of those moments I will cherish in my life. Such an amazing thing to experience.

Looking forward to: Another peek at MB on Tuesday! Hoping to see lots of growth and a faster heartbeat.

Other: So…this whole Progesterone suppository thing is interesting. I’m glad you all warned me about the clumps and stuff because otherwise I may have flipped out. I’m still taking it at night because I don’t know if I could handle it during the day. Even when laying down I feel like I am…*ahem*…leaking and it freaks me out. Because leaking in my mind=bleeding. So I jump up and run to check. Of course there has been no blood spotted in this pregnancy…but still. Part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. So I don’t think taking it during the day is a good option for me. I will speak to my RE about it on Tuesday to make sure it is okay that I take it at night, if not I guess I will have to just suck it up and get over it.

I have some hair clients coming over today for some cuts so I have to go through my house and hid any MB memorabilia that may be lingering (U/S pics, appointments on the calendar, ect.) around. Feels weird to hide all this when part of me is dying to scream it from the top of a building. Of course the other part of me wants to wait to announce till MB is actually born. But I digress. For a few hours MB will not exist in this house, but as soon as they leave everything is coming back out of the box.


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Filed under First Trimester, Pregnancy, Weekly Update