I started this blog to vent/whine/bitch about the fact the everyone around me seemed to be pregnant or having babies when it looked like it was almost impossible for me. The past 18 months of my life have been the hardest, most trying times I’ve ever gone through. Will probably ever go through in fact. This blog served as an outlet for me to let go of all the negative energy I was carrying. I was able to unburden myself in a way that I had never experienced before. And for some reason, people read it. They commented. They accepted me into this community that I had not know existed. A community that in a lot of ways saved me.
So what do you do when you situation turns around? When you are no longer struggling but…dare I say it? Happy.
I’ve always considered this blog a sort of diary for me. I was never good at writing in journals. In fact when I look back at the ones I wrote in as a child it is mortifying. But I can read back on the posts here and feel proud of what I said. Because it has been so REAL. I’m good with masks. I put them on for people so they can not see how vulnerable and hurt I am. I do it with pretty much everyone. J is exception, as is my mom. I can’t think of anyone else who is. Not even my therapist. (Shame on me, I know, but I can’t help it.) This blog has been a window into my dark thoughts that I never let anyone else hear. But right now…my thoughts are becoming clearer. The windows are letting in sunshine and rainbows. And I sometimes don’t feel like I can post my sunshine and rainbows here for fear of hurting others feelings. Of making them feel how I felt whenever I read about someone else’s joys of pregnancy. Misery loves company I guess.
Now when I say that I hope no one takes it the wrong way. I have been SO touched by the people who continue to read and comment on my posts. I know it is not easy because I’ve done the same thing when people on my blogroll have gotten pregnant and happy. It sucks to be the one left behind. But you guys, what can I say? I wish I could real-life hug every single one of you because I feel that I know you all. And your support means more to me then I can ever put into words.
But I digress, the point of this was post was to kind of explain where my mind is at the moment. Honestly, I’m not ready to give up this blog. It is my infertility security blanket and I am certainly not ready to give it up. So I will post. I will post about things that drive people crazy like pregnancy and the possibility that I might actually be bringing home a baby in March. There will be a fair amount of freak-outs too. I’m infertile. Therefore I imagine anything that could possibly go wrong WILL go wrong. Every time I go for an ultrasound I will hold my breath and pray there is still a heart beat. I won’t look at the screen until my Dr. says those words. Because I’m scared of the other shoe.
If I am lucky enough to bring MB home…it doesn’t change much. I will still be infertile. I will still want another child and I will still have to fight for that dream. Eventually regularly scheduled programming will continue. But for now I’m on an extended commercial break. Filled with some actual positivity. Who wudda thunk it?
P.S. I have decided to make a “Maybe Baby” page where I will post ultrasound pictures and things of that nature. So those of you who DO want to see them you’ll find the link up top.
P.P.S. I know I haven’t done a Written Wednesday post in forever. I have not given it up! There has just been a lot going on but there are many books I’m dying to talk about so bear with me! I can’t guarantee it will happen this week because I will be driving most of the day Wednesday but I will try really hard to do one soon.
P.P.P.S. (wow I’m long winded today) A very special hug and thanks to Life is Good Today (I didn’t know if you wanted your first name published or not) who so sweetly send me her left over Preggie Pops to help me battle the All-Day Sickness monster that I’ve been dealing with! I haven’t tried them yet because I’m saving them for desperate times and our car trip but I am SO grateful to her. This is what I mean about this community, the support amazes me. Thank you again!