In times that I am particulalry upset or going through a hard time I tend to gravitate towards things that are familiar and comfortable for me. I’ve found myself once again engrossed in the Harry Potter series. I know I’ve posted about this before but it doesn’t matter how many times I read these books, I’m always enraptured. And I always get something different out of them. Today I was finishing up “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” and I came to the part where Harry and Dumbledore are having a conversation in his office (I’m being a little vague in case of spoiling anyone who plans to read the books in the future). There were so many parts of the conversation that I related to, something I’ve never experienced before during this book. I’ve always read the words and took in their meaning, but I never felt so connected to them.
“There is no shame in what you are feeling, Harry,” said Dumbledore’s voice. “On the contrary…the fact that you can feel pain like this is your greatest strength.”
“My greatest strength , is it?” said Harry. “You haven’t got a clue…You don’t know…”
“What don’t I know?” asked Dumbledore calmly.
“I don’t want to talk about how I feel, all right?”
“Harry, suffering like this proves you are still a man! This pain is part of being human-“
“THEN – I – DON’T – WANT -TO – BE – HUMAN!”
“I DON’T CARE!” Harry yelled. “I’VE HAD ENOUGH, I’VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE -“
“You do care,” said Dumbledore. “You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”
Right now my heart is Harry. I’m sick of the pain. I sick of of fighting, I just want it to end. But my brain is Dumbledore. Telling me that my pain is normal and the fact that I can feel it like this, that I love and hope this much, can be a strength. Because honestly, I wish I didn’t care. I wish that I could ignore this sorrow, but I can’t. I have to feel it because feeling it is the only way to heal.
Everyday I feel a little stronger. Like the tears in my heart are slowly being stitched back together. I am far from healed but I’m getting to the point that I can at least talk about the future with J. Before I didn’t want to talk about cycling or where we go from here. But surprisingly enough, I feel somewhat ready. I’m glad we still are taking this cycle off so that I have at least a few more weeks before we actively try again, but honestly I’m ready to be pregnant again. To give this another shot. Of course we wait for the test result before we make any positive plans but the fact that I feel this way gives me some strength.
Tomorrow I get to have a bloggy date with my love Tami. So excited to see her yet I know it will be an emotional day for us both. I’m so lucky to have met such a great friend who has given me so much support. I won’t be able to forget that this meeting should be taken place as we both were entering our 2nd trimester, but just having her here will be a spirit booster. Hopefully there will be many more of these meetings to come maybe with some babies thrown in the mix.