Monthly Archives: August 2012

Making headway

In times that I am particulalry upset or going through a hard time I tend to gravitate towards things that are familiar and comfortable for me. I’ve found myself once again engrossed in the Harry Potter series. I know I’ve posted about this before but it doesn’t matter how many times I read these books, I’m always enraptured. And I always get something different out of them. Today I was finishing up “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” and I came to the part where Harry and Dumbledore are having a conversation in his office (I’m being a little vague in case of spoiling anyone who plans to read the books in the future). There were so many parts of the conversation that I related to, something I’ve never experienced before during this book. I’ve always read the words and took in their meaning, but I never felt so connected to them.

“There is no shame in what you are feeling, Harry,” said Dumbledore’s voice. “On the contrary…the fact that you can feel pain like this is your greatest strength.”

“My greatest strength , is it?” said Harry. “You haven’t got a clue…You don’t know…”

“What don’t I know?” asked Dumbledore calmly.

“I don’t want to talk about how I feel, all right?”

“Harry, suffering like this proves you are still a man! This pain is part of being human-“

“THEN – I – DON’T – WANT -TO – BE – HUMAN!”

“I DON’T CARE!” Harry yelled. “I’VE HAD ENOUGH, I’VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE -“

“You do care,” said Dumbledore. “You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”

Right now my heart is Harry. I’m sick of the pain. I sick of of fighting, I just want it to end. But my brain is Dumbledore. Telling me that my pain is normal and the fact that I can feel it like this, that I love and hope this much, can be a strength. Because honestly, I wish I didn’t care. I wish that I could ignore this sorrow, but I can’t. I have to feel it because feeling it is the only way to heal.

Everyday I feel a little stronger. Like the tears in my heart are slowly being stitched back together. I am far from healed but I’m getting to the point that I can at least talk about the future with J. Before I didn’t want to talk about cycling or where we go from here. But surprisingly enough, I feel somewhat ready. I’m glad we still are taking this cycle off so that I have at least a few more weeks before we actively try again, but honestly I’m ready to be pregnant again. To give this another shot. Of course we wait for the test result before we make any positive plans but the fact that I feel this way gives me some strength.

Tomorrow I get to have a bloggy date with my love Tami. So excited to see her yet I know it will be an emotional day for us both. I’m so lucky to have met such a great friend who has given me so much support. I won’t be able to forget that this meeting should be taken place as we both were entering our 2nd trimester, but just having her here will be a spirit booster. Hopefully there will be many more of these meetings to come maybe with some babies thrown in the mix.

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16 Comments

Filed under Depression, Healing, Infertility, Miscarriage

Explanation time

I feel like there are some things going on right now that I need to come clean or explain about. My mind is all over the place lately.

-J says I should clarify something. The things I write on here, I write during my darkest moments. I have plenty of moments when I am my smiling, happy, normal self. Yes, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about my situation and feel sad about it, but I am dealing. I just now hit dark places more often and those are the times that I really need this blog. I feel like it is the only place that I can really say all these really dark thoughts without my friends and family thinking I need to be committed.  So I hope you all don’t think I’m in some manic depressed state and that you need to put me on suicide watch. Am I depressed? Yes. More so then I have ever been. But it has only been 2 1/2 weeks since my world crumbled so I think I’m allowed to feel this way right now. I need time, plain and simple. I’ll never be able to forget and the pain will never completely go away, but in time it will fade and I will be able to move on.

-I’ve been a bad blog friend lately. I know I haven’t been commenting on many blogs lately and I apologize. I’m still reading everyday and following everyone’s journey, but the truth is about 60% of my blog roll is currently pregnant. Now let me say that every single one of you deserves this. I so glad for you guys that you are getting your happy ending, but I’m not. And as much as I love you all (and I do, every single one of you) it is hard for me to get excited about bump-dates and nursery plans. I hope that does not sound offensive, because that is not at all how it is meant. You all deserve to be happy and post about your journey, just right now I can’t take an active part in it. I’m hoping I can resolve this hiccup soon because I do want to see all of your growing bellies and bouncing babies, again I just need time.

-I’m officially on Ovulation Watch 2012. It has been 2 1/2 weeks since my D&C and as many of you probably know, my biggest fear is that I will no longer be ovulating on my own. I did ultimately decide on not taking the birth control pills this month. I spoke to my OB and she also said that she did not think the BC would have any affect on my ovulation, but she also said that she did not think it was necessary. Especially if it was going to cause me added anxiety, which it was. There are other ways to prevent a pregnancy this month…hell we have A LOT of experience with not getting pregnant. So I decided I was going to stick with my gut decision and not take them. So now I’m obsessed with whether or not I will ovulate. (Gonna get a bit TMI here) Last night I went to the bathroom and found quite a bit of CM on my panty liner. It was the same consistency as EWCM but slightly brown tinted. So I decided to check my cervix, it was high, soft, and open, but the CM around my cervix was more lotion like. I don’t know what to think. I know it is still early and that it may take another couple of weeks but I’m just praying that my body returns to how it was before this pregnancy.

-Still no test results. I actually called my doctor yesterday to get a status update and they said that some of my results were in (the ones from the D&C I’m assuming) but that the doctor likes to wait and give all the results at once. So we are most likely still waiting for my auto-immune panel, thyroid panel, and karyotyping. Yes, this annoys me a great deal that my D&C results are probably sitting on his desk but he won’t give them to me till the blood work comes in which will most likely not be for another week. I’m trying to not think about it and let it go.

-I’m going home again next week and for the first time since we moved I am hesitant about it. Hesitant because when I originally booked the plane tickets I was still pregnant. I also should have been 13 weeks during the trip so I was excited to all my friends and family in person about my pregnancy. Now what I have to look forward to is meeting my new niece who should be born any day now. It is going to be really hard. Yes she is my niece and I know I am going to love her to pieces, but it is just a harsh reminder of where I am at.

-Job search is going well. I’ve had several interviews and even am moving on to a 3rd interview at one place. I feel confident that within a few weeks I’ll have a new place to work.

Lastly I want to thank you all for your undying support and love. I know I’ve been a whinny bitch lately, and I can’t promise that will change but your comments mean the world to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

 

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Filed under Depression, Infertility, Living Life, Miscarriage, PCOS

Lost.

It’s late. I should really be in bed since I have to wake up at 5:30am tomorrow for work but I was lying in bed and all I could think about were things that I don’t want to think about. Things that have been haunting my thoughts pretty much non-stop for the past 2 weeks.

I’ve been a little more quiet lately because I have nothing new to say. I’m depressed, angry, hurt, and sad. Same old same old. This last Saturday I should have been 12 weeks. The magic number. Just to make the day a little bit harder my cousin decided to go and have her baby that day. Stab me in the heart. The birth of this baby would have been hard for me any day but why of all days did it have to be on my 12 week day? That was supposed to be my day, my day to relax a little, to celebrate, to really feel like there was going to be a baby in our lives. Instead I watched someone else’s happiness while trying not to drown in my own sorrow.

What is the worst to think about is how this miscarriage has changed me forever. After my first miscarriage I actually felt a great deal of hope. I mean I had actually gotten pregnant! One miscarriage isn’t a big deal, 50% of women have at least 1 miscarriage in their lives. But now everything is different. All my hope is gone, that ship has sailed. In fact that ship has sailed, gotten raided by pirates, blown up, and then sank. That is how gone it is. I will never be able to enjoy a future pregnancy like a “normal” person now. There will be no Facebook announcement, no bump-dates, no progression pictures. There will be nothing but fear and anxiety. And I resent it.

I absolutely loathe what kind of person this has turned me into. I used to be optimistic and happy. Now I am negative and sad all the time. J made some off-hand comment tonight saying “If we have a boy…” and it was said as if it was a sure thing. As if we were going to have kids no problem. I had to bite my tongue to keep from spitting out a bitchy and pessimistic comment. THAT is who I have become. The person who no longer believes.

And I can’t run away from it. No matter where I go there will always be babies in strollers, pregnant women, and happy families. There is no avoiding. Now I live my life in fear of seeing these things and always being passed up. I got married pretty young (22) so most of my friends did not start getting married till a few years after me. Yet I am the only one who has been married over a year without kids.

I’ve never felt so lost before. I burst into tears at random times for no reason. Last Friday it was 2 weeks since my D&C so J and I got the all clear to be intimate. It had been awhile so it was needed and nice (although I did have some pain that makes me nervous) but afterwards I felt so empty. I lay there trying to hold back tears so I would not ruin the moment. But I couldn’t. I started crying after sex and I don’t even know why. How romantic and sexy am I?

Most of the time I just feel empty and numb. I don’t know how to get past it. I just wish this pain would go away. I can’t even describe how alone I feel right now. Sometimes I just want to crawl into a corner and make the world disappear. I don’t know how to come out of this fog and be human again. Most the time I feel like I’m just acting. I’m so tired. Tired of it all.

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Filed under Depression, Infertility, Miscarriage

Impatiently waiting

I’ve never had a lot of patience. I’m the person that if the doctor tells me they will call me by 3:00, I will be on the phone calling them at 3:05 if my phone hasn’t rung. I knew waiting for the results from the D&C would take some time, but I’m starting to grow anxious. The more time that passes, the more anxious I get.

Truth is, I need to know what happened to my baby. Because as it is right now, I keep playing the day MB’s heart stopped beating over and over in my mind. What did I do that day? Did I eat something bad? Did I over exert myself? Did I have any signs that my world had ended? But I’m coming up with nothing. We were in a condo with some friends up in the mountains. I got up that day and ate some pancakes that J had made. We went on a small walk that was not strenuous. I took a 2 hour nap. We watched the Olympics, played some cards, and had dinner with my family. During all this I had no idea what was going on in my body. I talked to my brother happily about my due date which was supposed to be the day after little brother #1’s birthday. We talked about how cool it would be if the baby was born that day.

The guilt is consuming me. And I know, I really don’t have anything to feel guilty about…for all we know there was something seriously wrong. But I can’t help it, I feel as though I’ve let J and my family down. I’ve lost a baby that so many hoped and prayed for. I need to know why. Of course once I get the results I will probably have yet another breakdown and wish I didn’t know. The grass is always greener. Friday will be 2 weeks since the D&C so I am hoping that we will have some answers by early next week. That is a lie…I’m hoping for answers now, but I know that is wishful thinking. When is it going to stop hurting so much?

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Filed under Depression, Infertility, Just my luck, Miscarriage

Benched

The past month has been a rough one for my family. I’m beginning to think we are cursed. My dad has a bulging disc near his sciatic nerve so he is in a lot of pain that they are still trying to figure out how to treat, little brother #1 has a kidney stone that he has been unable to pass for 3 weeks so the doctors are recommending surgery but he has crappy insurance that won’t cover it and no money, and little brother #3 broke his ankle two weeks ago right before football season and the break is bad enough that he won’t be able to play at all this year. That one is a big deal because he transferred high schools to play football this year. He left all his friends and has had a difficult summer because of it. I know once school starts he’ll be fine because he is an outgoing kid and he makes friends easily but we were worried this break would make him decide to go back to his old school. The new school is a charter school and he will have a lot more learning opportunities available to him there. So far he hasn’t said anything about switching back so we are grateful for that.

I was talking to my mom on Saturday and she said he was having a hard time because they had their first scrimmage that day. He was forced to sit on the bench and watch as all his teammates and friends played without him. That struck me as a good description of what infertility is. Here we all are, desperately hoping to play the game. But time after time we are told that we have to stay on the bench and watch as our friends and families get up and go in. Some of these people get to go in before us even though they just barely joined the team. Yet we still wait and wait. Twice now I’ve gotten to warm up only to be put back on the bench and told I would not be playing. Who knows if I ever will get to play?

I went for my first run in 2 months on Saturday. It was a bittersweet moment because I had missed running, but it was also really emotional because I was planning on getting back into running once the baby was born in order to lose the pregnancy weight. Instead I ran to lose the pregnancy pain. J had talked about how he was going to get me a nice running stroller so that I could get back into it. This time I ran alone with empty hands and an empty heart. I was proud that I was able to get back into my stride pretty easily although I did of course shorten my running times so that I don’t push myself to hard. I just never thought I’d be back on the track so soon.

Thank you to everyone who responded on my last post. I have yet to really make a decision although I know which way I am leaning. I called my OB who is very familiar with my situation and am getting her opinion, I’m just waiting on a call back. As of right now I have not taken a birth control pill in 2 days. I do agree with those who said I need to trust my doctor…but the problem is there is a shred of doubt where my doctor is concerned. I really like him and he has been great to me lately, but I can’t forget that his decision to give me 10 days of clomid when I had a history of cysts ended up leading to me losing my ovary. So there is doubt.

Plus I look at it this way – I know there is a chance that the miscarriage will screw up ovulation for me. PCOS is unpredictable like that. However if I took the BC and wound up not ovulating after I would blame my doctor, the birth control, and myself for not trusting my instincts. If I didn’t take the BC and didn’t ovulate after I would blame the miscarriage. I know which one is easier to live with. I’d hate myself if I thought for even a moment that I took the medication that caused us to have to go back to fertility drugs. There are ways to avoid getting pregnant until my doctor clears us. We have discussed it and are in agreement. We know the options are not %100 (unless we don’t have sex which is off the table) but I feel confident that we can avoid a pregnancy until we are ready to try again. Hell, we have had a lot of practice with not getting pregnant, I’m sure we can continue this record.

I will make my final decision today after I talk to my OB so that if I do decide to take it I can catch up without causing a big issue. But you can obviously see which way I am leaning. I hate that I have to make this decision. I hate that it’s only been 11 days since my baby was taken from me and yet I feel as though it has been forever. It is like this sorrow has always been present. I miss my baby.

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Filed under Depression, Infertility, Miscarriage, PCOS

Need advice…I’m a mess.

Okay so I’m not sure why but I’m having a minor freak-out. All of the sudden I am really questioning the decision to get on birth control this month. I have taken 5 days worth so far. My fear is coming from the fact that I spent the whole first year of us trying to conceive not ovulating without medical intervention. Since my surgery in January I have ovulated every month. I’m scared that the birth control is going to interfere with that. I know my doctor said it wouldn’t, but I am seriously worried sick right now. He prescribed me Lo Loestrin Fe. I looked online and it is a birth control pill that contains both estrogen and progesterone so it does stop ovulation while you are on it.

What do I do? Do I trust the doctor and pray I ovulate next month? Will I be screwed up anyways because of the pills I’ve already taken? I just started bleeding from the D&C on Thursday so I’m wondering if I can still stop taking them and not have it screw me up too much. Help guys, I’m a wreck!

14 Comments

Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Infertility, PCOS, questions

A Change of Tides

I have yet to get through 24 hours without bursting into tears at some point during the day. At times it seems like it is getting better. Saturday was 5 breakdowns, Sunday was 3, Monday and Tuesday were only 1, but then for whatever reason I was back up to 3 yesterday. Today has only been one so far…when I went back to work.

I won’t lie that I had a mild panic attack as I was driving there. By the time I got in the door my hands were shaking and I was trying to steady my breathing. See the thing is, I work with kids. For the past year and a half I have been with these kids every weekday. The ages range from kindergarten to 6th grade.

I started working there 2 months after we started TTC. I was thrilled because I’ve always loved being around kids. I figured I would learn a lot (which I have) about the kind of parent I want to be. I also figured I would never make it in this job a whole year because I was naive and thought we’d get pregnant easily. The kids that were in kindergarten when I started are now in the 2nd grade. Every day I see them grow rapidly. And I begin to resent them.

These kids are wonderful. They say and do things that make me laugh all the time. But now when they do those funny things I look at them and wonder if I will ever have a child that says things like that. Will I ever see my kid act goofy that way? And it hurts. It is the worst reminder of my situation and how I am still stuck where I was when I began this job. I wish I was a strong enough person to separate my personal life from my job but right now I am not. Before I got pregnant this last time I was already considering moving on. It has just been too painful this year to be around the kids. When I thought I’d be having a baby in March my outlook changed. My life was bright and happy for 5 glorious weeks so I was able to change my outlook on things. But now I am dark and gloomy again and I know I will not be able to keep my life as it currently is.

I told all this to my boss today (yes this was when I had my breakdown of the day) and explained where my mind was at. Truly it is not them, it is me. I am no longer the right person for the job and I can admit that. I told her this was not a 2 week notice, this was a “find the right person” notice. I respect them and all they have done for me enough to be honest with them. I don’t want to leave them high and dry, I want them to take a few weeks, find a good fit, and let me train them properly. I owe them that much.

Now I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Yes the thought of finding a new job is stressful, but I feel that I will be able to do it. My boss has offered to write me a letter of recommendation and help me find a new position any way that she can. This makes me feel better as I did not want to burn any bridges with them.

I feel as though I am taking the necessary steps to get my life back. It is not going to be easy or quick, I know this pain that I have inside me will be around for a long time. I’m not sure if it will ever go away, but I know I can’t stop living (not that I didn’t try this week. I did a pretty good impression of a hermit for the past 5 days). Sometimes I feel strong enough to get through this, other times I feel as though I am going to collapse from my grief. I’m just trying to hold on to those strong times and ride through the bad.

 

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Filed under Depression, Living Life, Miscarriage