*****This is a long one. I just need to get it all out.******
On Wednesday we had made plans to go visit my best friend and her new husband. I’d been feeling nervous about my pregnancy for the past few days. My nausea had come to a halt and it made me feel very uneasy. We had already told a bunch of people about the baby and I had been planning on telling her, but for some reason I no longer felt good about it. About a half and hour before we left I decided to try to go to the bathroom since I had been feeling a little backed up. There was straining involved,which I shouldn’t have done, and when I wiped there was a small amount of watery-pink blood. It was gone after a few wipes but it sent me into a melt-down.
I calmed myself down enough to go visit with my friend, but of course I did not tell her I was pregnant. We were driving home the next day and I planned to call my doctor and move my appointment up from the next Tuesday to Friday morning. On our way home I began to feel more confident. There was no more spotting, even after a bowel movement, and I slept the entire ride because I was so tired. I blamed my loss of nausea on the fact that my placenta was probably starting to take over hormone production. I, of course, googled the hell out losing symptoms at 9 weeks and most of the results came back “I had that too and now I have a healthy 2-year-old!”. Of course there were some not great results but I ignored them. After all I had seen a heartbeat of 170 just a week and half before! All had to be fine.
Friday morning I felt sick with worry. When I got my RE office I played off the spotting as me being a drama queen and that I was sure everything was fine. They drew my blood first and then had me sit and wait since someone was in the ultrasound room. The room they had me was right next to the ultrasound room and I heard another woman’s healthy baby’s heartbeat. I sat in that room and thought over and over “please let that be me next”.
When they called me in I got myself situated and then crossed my fingers. I muttered under my breath “please be okay” over and over until the doctor came in. When he put in the wand and found the baby I couldn’t help it, I had a smile on my face as I saw my little one. But the smile faded after a second. My doctor was pointing out that the baby was head down, the feet, the umbilical cord…but I was barely paying attention. I was staring at the tiny chest which was not flickering. I wanted to interrupt my doctor and point this out…but I knew as soon as he said it there would be no taking it back. After a few seconds of silence he said what I already knew. “I don’t see a heartbeat”. He checked to see if there was any blood flow to the baby. None. He measured. 8 weeks 6 days. I was 9 weeks 6 days so the baby needed to be at 9 weeks 4 days to be on the same growing track it had been in the past. My baby died last Sunday. A week ago today.
Of course I was a mess, crying all over the place. He asked if I wanted to wait to talk about my options but I told him no. I needed to take care of it right then. We planned a D&C for that evening. I wanted it over. We never discussed natural miscarriage because I don’t know if it was really an option for me or not. During the ultrasound he tried to check for signs that my body was going to miscarry and there were none. No blood in the uterus, a nice healthy gestational sack. He said usually when the body is getting ready to pass the gestational sac, it looks squished or oblong, mine was perfect. In fact everything about my ultrasound was perfect, except the dead baby and all.
With my doctor apparently 2 miscarriages within 4 months qualifies you for RPL testing. In my case he said it was not low progesterone that caused this, if it had been I would have been bleeding. So there is something else going on. They are going to do chromosomal testing on the tissue from the D&C and in the meantime I will go in and start doing blood panels for auto-immune and clotting issues.
I managed to compose myself enough to walk out of the lobby without tears streaming down my face. My resolve almost broke when my favorite nurse who had been with me through the whole thing stopped me and said she was sorry with such a look of sadness on her face. I made it to my car to call J before I completely lost it. I called my mom and lost it. I sobbed harder than I’ve ever sobbed in my life. I came home and talked to Tami and sobbed. The rest of the day I laid on my couch with a mindless TV show on to try to numb my brain. It worked for about half the time, the other half I cried and cried.
We got to the hospital at 3 and got all checked in. I managed to stay pretty calm through the whole thing. I was grateful that it was my RE that would be doing the procedure. When I woke up after it was done the first thing I said to J was “My baby is gone”. We managed to get home and through the rest of the evening without any major meltdowns. I’ve had plenty of those yesterday and today. One minute I’m fine, the next I’m crying. Every time I think about going back to work I have a small panic attack. I just can’t.
I’m about 40 hours post-op and I’m not bleeding. At all. They all told me that I would have bleeding like a heavy period but I have nothing. This worries me that this nightmare isn’t over. What if I have to go back? I can’t do it again. They already took my baby from me once. I wish my physical pain was worse, then maybe it would mask my emotional pain more. I feel numb. Numb and empty. I never thought I would be in this position. My anger and rage now consumes me more than ever before. This is not fair. I wanted this baby SO much. Why did this have to happen again? Why do I have to have another unfulfilled due date?
I don’t know where to go from here. The thought of cycling again sends me into terror. Of course right now it is not an option since my RE told me I can’t get pregnant again until we run tests and try to figure out why my body keeps killing my babies. If this is me, if this is going to be how it is, I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can go through this again. I’m too hurt, too raw. I hate the person this is making me. I’m afraid to sleep at night, scared that I will have dead baby dreams with the image of the still ultrasound always at the front of my mind. I’ve had to drug myself the past 2 nights in order to sleep.
I’m empty. More empty than I’ve ever been. I want to go back, back to when I was happy and hopeful. Now all I feel is darkness and dispar.