Empty

*****This is a long one. I just need to get it all out.******

On Wednesday we had made plans to go visit my best friend and her new husband. I’d been feeling nervous about my pregnancy for the past few days. My nausea had come to a halt and it made me feel very uneasy. We had already told a bunch of people about the baby and I had been planning on telling her, but for some reason I no longer felt good about it. About a half and hour before we left I decided to try to go to the bathroom since I had been feeling a little backed up. There was straining involved,which I shouldn’t have done, and when I wiped there was a small amount of watery-pink blood. It was gone after a few wipes but it sent me into a melt-down.

I calmed myself down enough to go visit with my friend, but of course I did not tell her I was pregnant. We were driving home the next day and I planned to call my doctor and move my appointment up from the next Tuesday to Friday morning. On our way home I began to feel more confident. There was no more spotting, even after a bowel movement, and I slept the entire ride because I was so tired. I blamed my loss of nausea on the fact that my placenta was probably starting to take over hormone production. I, of course, googled the hell out losing symptoms at 9 weeks and most of the results came back “I had that too and now I have a healthy 2-year-old!”. Of course there were some not great results but I ignored them. After all I had seen a heartbeat of 170 just a week and half before! All had to be fine.

Friday morning I felt sick with worry. When I got my RE office I played off the spotting as me being a drama queen and that I was sure everything was fine. They drew my blood first and then had me sit and wait since someone was in the ultrasound room. The room they had me was right next to the ultrasound room and I heard another woman’s healthy baby’s heartbeat. I sat in that room and thought over and over “please let that be me next”.

When they called me in I got myself situated and then crossed my fingers. I muttered under my breath “please be okay” over and over until the doctor came in. When he put in the wand and found the baby I couldn’t help it, I had a smile on my face as I saw my little one. But the smile faded after a second. My doctor was pointing out that the baby was head down, the feet, the umbilical cord…but I was barely paying attention. I was staring at the tiny chest which was not flickering. I wanted to interrupt my doctor and point this out…but I knew as soon as he said it there would be no taking it back. After a few seconds of silence he said what I already knew. “I don’t see a heartbeat”. He checked to see if there was any blood flow to the baby. None. He measured. 8 weeks 6 days. I was 9 weeks 6 days so the baby needed to be at 9 weeks 4 days to be on the same growing track it had been in the past. My baby died last Sunday. A week ago today.

Of course I was a mess, crying all over the place. He asked if I wanted to wait to talk about my options but I told him no. I needed to take care of it right then. We planned a D&C for that evening. I wanted it over. We never discussed natural miscarriage because I don’t know if it was really an option for me or not. During the ultrasound he tried to check for signs that my body was going to miscarry and there were none. No blood in the uterus, a nice healthy gestational sack. He said usually when the body is getting ready to pass the gestational sac, it looks squished or oblong, mine was perfect. In fact everything about my ultrasound was perfect, except the dead baby and all.

With my doctor apparently 2 miscarriages within 4 months qualifies you for RPL testing. In my case he said it was not low progesterone that caused this, if it had been I would have been bleeding. So there is something else going on. They are going to do chromosomal testing on the tissue from the D&C and in the meantime I will go in and start doing blood panels for auto-immune and clotting issues.

I managed to compose myself enough to walk out of the lobby without tears streaming down my face. My resolve almost broke when my favorite nurse who had been with me through the whole thing stopped me and said she was sorry with such a look of sadness on her face. I made it to my car to call J before I completely lost it. I called my mom and lost it. I sobbed harder than I’ve ever sobbed in my life. I came home and talked to Tami and sobbed. The rest of the day I laid on my couch with a mindless TV show on to try to numb my brain. It worked for about half the time, the other half I cried and cried.

We got to the hospital at 3 and got all checked in. I managed to stay pretty calm through the whole thing. I was grateful that it was my RE that would be doing the procedure. When I woke up after it was done the first thing I said to J was “My baby is gone”. We managed to get home and through the rest of the evening without any major meltdowns. I’ve had plenty of those yesterday and today. One minute I’m fine, the next I’m crying. Every time I think about going back to work I have a small panic attack. I just can’t.

I’m about 40 hours post-op and I’m not bleeding. At all. They all told me that I would have bleeding like a heavy period but I have nothing. This worries me that this nightmare isn’t over. What if I have to go back? I can’t do it again. They already took my baby from me once. I wish my physical pain was worse, then maybe it would mask my emotional pain more. I feel numb. Numb and empty. I never thought I would be in this position. My anger and rage now consumes me more than ever before. This is not fair. I wanted this baby SO much. Why did this have to happen again? Why do I have to have another unfulfilled due date?

I don’t know where to go from here. The thought of cycling again sends me into terror. Of course right now it is not an option since my RE told me I can’t get pregnant again until we run tests and try to figure out why my body keeps killing my babies. If this is me, if this is going to be how it is, I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can go through this again. I’m too hurt, too raw. I hate the person this is making me. I’m afraid to sleep at night, scared that I will have dead baby dreams with the image of the still ultrasound always at the front of my mind. I’ve had to drug myself the past 2 nights in order to sleep.

I’m empty. More empty than I’ve ever been. I want to go back, back to when I was happy and hopeful. Now all I feel is darkness and dispar.

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37 Comments

Filed under Depression, Infertility, Miscarriage, PCOS

37 responses to “Empty

  1. As I read this, the pain, rage and emptyness from my losses come back. Everything you describe… The numbness followed by meltdowns. I remember perfectly how much it hurts. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. No one should… I am terribly sorry for your losses.

  2. I am so sorry you are going through this. You will get through this, one foot in front of the other, as painful as it is. You are strong and you are a fighter, dont lose sight of that.

  3. M

    I am so sorry this happened. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

  4. I’m so sorry you have to go through this again. If you don’t feel like going to work, don’t do it. Call in sick. Take care of yourself. That’s the most important thing right now. Sending you hugs.

  5. I’m so sorry. I wish with my whole heart that this nightmare wasn’t happening; that you weren’t living with this pain. I wish I knew how to take it all away. All of this is incredibly heartbreaking and I’m crying with you.

    Regarding the bleeding after the D&C: it took my body a few days to start too. My D&C was on a Tuesday. I started cramping on a Friday and bleeding on a Sunday. Give your body time. I know how scary this is (I called my REs in a panic multiple times).

    Holding you in my heart.

  6. You are in my thoughts and prayers, though I wish there was more I could offer. Sending you love and strength!

  7. I am so sorry you are in so much pain. And the worst kind, emotional. I remember the darkness of those days do well.

    I will so, from a physical standpoint, I had zero bleeding and zero crampIng after my d&c. It freaked me out too, but was “fine”.

  8. Mo

    Oh hon, I am so sorry you’re going through this. Christy is right – it took me about 72 hours before the ute started contracting and the bleeding started. Get some painkillers and a heating pad ready, because it will hurt a lot.
    I’m glad your doc is sending you for an RPL panel.
    But please remember this: You did not do this. It is not your fault. I know it seems counter-intuitive right now, but love your body as much as you can.
    Sending you a huge hug.

  9. I’m so sorry that you are going through all this again. Praying that you get some helpful information from the testing.

  10. I’m so sorry, Trisha. I hear and recognize your pain, grief, and fear. Sending light and love. As for the bleeding, I had a D&C at about the same stage and I really didn’t bleed at all.

  11. God Trisha. This……just isn’t fair…..

  12. veetamia

    I am so sorry Trisha for your loss, and your pain… I wished we could do more to help you through this hard time. I hope that as hard as it might be, that you don’t lose hope that you will eventually be ok. And that you are not alone. Sending you love and hugs.

  13. Oh Trisha, this totally sucks. And you’re right, it’s not fair. It’s about as far away from “fair” as you can get. Reading your story brought me right back to where I was just a few months ago. I remember that pain so well. I thought I’d never be happy again, and that I couldn’t put myself through such agony anymore. I’m so sorry for this. So very sorry. ~ hugs ~

  14. You have so much support right here on these boards. We are all thinking about you so much. Please try to take care of yourself and remember that this unfairness is not your fault.

  15. Trisha you have been in my thoughts non stop. I am sending you all the love I have from Kentucky and have requested that the four Large Fries (the cats) do the same. After my D&C I had zero pain and zero bleeding which was more devastating then if I had bled heavily for weeks. I also needed closure and am still working on finding it. Take your time and find comfort in your husband. I’m here for you in anyway you need. xoxo

  16. B:

    I am sorry you are going through this and for all the pain that you feel. I wish I had more to offer.Hopefully the testing will give you some insight and guidance as to what you will do next. You are in my thoughts.

  17. This should never happen. Ever. Grieve your loss however you need to grieve. Sit with it when you can, take a break when you can’t. Lean on whomever you need to lean on. Keep breathing. Find comfort where you can, no matter how small.

  18. My heart breaks for you. You are not alone in this. As the previous commenter said, find peace and comfort where you can. A huge hug. Lots of love to you and your family.

  19. Lyndsey

    This is so terrible. I’m so sorry for your loss. 😦

  20. I’m so terribly sorry for this loss, Trisha. So, so terribly sorry. I know there are no words from anyone that can take this away, but for what it’s worth, you’ve got a whole world of people hurting this hurt with you.

  21. I am so sorry about your losses. I have been there and know all you are feeling…its so unfair. Hang in there.

  22. I am so sorry for your loss! I too have been there and can relate well to your feelings that you describe in your post. I wish there was something I could say or do to help. I have learned that there is no timeline on grieving and crying is very helpful. (((Hugs)))

  23. Words can’t ever really capture feelings in situations like this, but know that you have much sympathy and love coming to you. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  24. I am sorry, Trisha. I know this hell as well. The same thing happened to me at almost the same gestation age. Out of all of my mc’s that is the only one I will never forget. My heart is with you.

    As far as the D and C. I had hardly any bleeding at all,and I have had 3.. I think everyone is different on that.

    ❤ sending you hugs during this horrific time. email me if you want to chat direct jsmonops@gmail.com

  25. I am so sorry. I hate that anyone has to go through this. I know the exact feelings you describe. The pain, the anger, the numbness… take some time for yourself and your husband. Don’t think about the next cycle yet – you’ll get there and you will get your healthy baby in the end! It will happen! But now, grieve. cry it out. stay in bed. do whatever you need to do and don’t feel bad about it!! i think it’s a great idea to be tested – maybe there is something simple to fix that they haven’t tested you for yet! I pray for your baby and for you throught this process. I am so sorry for your loss.

  26. Oh no 😦 This is just awful. I hope you are able to do something nice and caring for yourself, despite what you may feel towards your body right now. (PS: when they do the RPL testing, make sure they also test you for mild hypothyroidism … I have heard this can cause miscarriages. My thyroid is just barely “within normal range” when not pregnant but I went on meds anyway while trying, and within days of getting pregnant I was full on hypothyroid and had to double my medication)

  27. Like others have said, you didn’t do this. It’s not your fault. My heart is breaking over and over for you hon. Sending you lots of love and Hugz!

  28. I’m so sorry Trisha. I know exactly how you feel about wanting to feel the physical pain in order to validate the emotial pain. No amount of words will make you feel better, but do know you are in my thoughts and I’m hoping you’ll soon find the strength you need to get you through this. xx

  29. My heart is with yours. Broken and in pieces on the floor.

  30. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. You have been in my thoughts the last several days. I hope that you can start to heal soon.

  31. Trisha my heart is breaking for you and your husband. I am so very sorry that this happened. I know there aren’t any words of comfort I can tell you right now. Please know I am thinking of you now and during your healing process. I hope they are able to find out what is going on and fix the problem.

  32. Jen

    I can’t believe this. I’m so sorry you’re going through this nightmare. It’s not fair. I’m thinking about you and your husband, and it looks like a whole bunch of other people are too. Sending hugs.

  33. I’m so sorry Trisha. I cried throughout the post and completely understand the terror a new cycle brings. I think that’s why I’ve welcomed this prolonged break from trying. I don’t know how you move past this second loss and how to embrace a new pregnancy. It’s beyond my comprehension and I’m sorry I’m not more help. I hope you’re able to take care of you and give yourself the chance to do whatever it is that comforts you. You’re in my thoughts daily sweetie.

  34. Karaleen

    I’m so very sorry to hear this. I can totally relate as your experience is eerily similar to my own with our first pregnancy. All the way down to the loss of symptoms, the overwhelming feeling something had gone wrong and the praying in the RE waiting room that I would get the same hugs and congrats as the gal who just came out of the US room. I just wish I would have been as smart as you to ge t the DNC immediately. I waited a week and it was torture. My heart hurts for you and I pray the testing will lead to some answers so your take home baby is in your arms soon.
    kd

  35. I wish I had your e-mail. All of this happened (is happening) to me now. I feel for you in so many ways.

  36. Trisha- I’ve been away from my Reader for a few days and just saw this. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you are doing as well as you can be right now and that you get some answers. 😦

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