I have yet to get through 24 hours without bursting into tears at some point during the day. At times it seems like it is getting better. Saturday was 5 breakdowns, Sunday was 3, Monday and Tuesday were only 1, but then for whatever reason I was back up to 3 yesterday. Today has only been one so far…when I went back to work.
I won’t lie that I had a mild panic attack as I was driving there. By the time I got in the door my hands were shaking and I was trying to steady my breathing. See the thing is, I work with kids. For the past year and a half I have been with these kids every weekday. The ages range from kindergarten to 6th grade.
I started working there 2 months after we started TTC. I was thrilled because I’ve always loved being around kids. I figured I would learn a lot (which I have) about the kind of parent I want to be. I also figured I would never make it in this job a whole year because I was naive and thought we’d get pregnant easily. The kids that were in kindergarten when I started are now in the 2nd grade. Every day I see them grow rapidly. And I begin to resent them.
These kids are wonderful. They say and do things that make me laugh all the time. But now when they do those funny things I look at them and wonder if I will ever have a child that says things like that. Will I ever see my kid act goofy that way? And it hurts. It is the worst reminder of my situation and how I am still stuck where I was when I began this job. I wish I was a strong enough person to separate my personal life from my job but right now I am not. Before I got pregnant this last time I was already considering moving on. It has just been too painful this year to be around the kids. When I thought I’d be having a baby in March my outlook changed. My life was bright and happy for 5 glorious weeks so I was able to change my outlook on things. But now I am dark and gloomy again and I know I will not be able to keep my life as it currently is.
I told all this to my boss today (yes this was when I had my breakdown of the day) and explained where my mind was at. Truly it is not them, it is me. I am no longer the right person for the job and I can admit that. I told her this was not a 2 week notice, this was a “find the right person” notice. I respect them and all they have done for me enough to be honest with them. I don’t want to leave them high and dry, I want them to take a few weeks, find a good fit, and let me train them properly. I owe them that much.
Now I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Yes the thought of finding a new job is stressful, but I feel that I will be able to do it. My boss has offered to write me a letter of recommendation and help me find a new position any way that she can. This makes me feel better as I did not want to burn any bridges with them.
I feel as though I am taking the necessary steps to get my life back. It is not going to be easy or quick, I know this pain that I have inside me will be around for a long time. I’m not sure if it will ever go away, but I know I can’t stop living (not that I didn’t try this week. I did a pretty good impression of a hermit for the past 5 days). Sometimes I feel strong enough to get through this, other times I feel as though I am going to collapse from my grief. I’m just trying to hold on to those strong times and ride through the bad.