A Change of Tides

I have yet to get through 24 hours without bursting into tears at some point during the day. At times it seems like it is getting better. Saturday was 5 breakdowns, Sunday was 3, Monday and Tuesday were only 1, but then for whatever reason I was back up to 3 yesterday. Today has only been one so far…when I went back to work.

I won’t lie that I had a mild panic attack as I was driving there. By the time I got in the door my hands were shaking and I was trying to steady my breathing. See the thing is, I work with kids. For the past year and a half I have been with these kids every weekday. The ages range from kindergarten to 6th grade.

I started working there 2 months after we started TTC. I was thrilled because I’ve always loved being around kids. I figured I would learn a lot (which I have) about the kind of parent I want to be. I also figured I would never make it in this job a whole year because I was naive and thought we’d get pregnant easily. The kids that were in kindergarten when I started are now in the 2nd grade. Every day I see them grow rapidly. And I begin to resent them.

These kids are wonderful. They say and do things that make me laugh all the time. But now when they do those funny things I look at them and wonder if I will ever have a child that says things like that. Will I ever see my kid act goofy that way? And it hurts. It is the worst reminder of my situation and how I am still stuck where I was when I began this job. I wish I was a strong enough person to separate my personal life from my job but right now I am not. Before I got pregnant this last time I was already considering moving on. It has just been too painful this year to be around the kids. When I thought I’d be having a baby in March my outlook changed. My life was bright and happy for 5 glorious weeks so I was able to change my outlook on things. But now I am dark and gloomy again and I know I will not be able to keep my life as it currently is.

I told all this to my boss today (yes this was when I had my breakdown of the day) and explained where my mind was at. Truly it is not them, it is me. I am no longer the right person for the job and I can admit that. I told her this was not a 2 week notice, this was a “find the right person” notice. I respect them and all they have done for me enough to be honest with them. I don’t want to leave them high and dry, I want them to take a few weeks, find a good fit, and let me train them properly. I owe them that much.

Now I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Yes the thought of finding a new job is stressful, but I feel that I will be able to do it. My boss has offered to write me a letter of recommendation and help me find a new position any way that she can. This makes me feel better as I did not want to burn any bridges with them.

I feel as though I am taking the necessary steps to get my life back. It is not going to be easy or quick, I know this pain that I have inside me will be around for a long time. I’m not sure if it will ever go away, but I know I can’t stop living (not that I didn’t try this week. I did a pretty good impression of a hermit for the past 5 days). Sometimes I feel strong enough to get through this, other times I feel as though I am going to collapse from my grief. I’m just trying to hold on to those strong times and ride through the bad.

 

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21 Comments

Filed under Depression, Living Life, Miscarriage

21 responses to “A Change of Tides

  1. Trisha, you have been in my thoughts often lately. I am so sorry for your pain and your loss. Glad to hear you are taking active steps to begin healing.

  2. Wow, what a difficult decision. I’m glad you feel some peace about the job. Unfortunately, the breakdowns will probably continue for a while. Cry away girl.

  3. I’m glad that you decided to move and find another job. No one should be constantly reminded of what they don’t have. I’m proud of you for doing that.

    P.S. I think I have couch sores. I move from the bed to my desk to the couch. I haven’t dared to venture any further than that.

    • Maybe one of these days we should both get off our couches…together! We could go get some coffee and freak all the other customers out as we start sobbing. It would be a grand old time.

      • You know, that might not be a bad idea. I can throw death glares like you wouldn’t believe. And if you can break into hysterical sobs, we can make a lot of people feel *awfully* uncomfortable. So when are you free?

      • Hmm weekdays usually aren’t good cause of my work schedule (but not for long! *insert evil laugh*) but I’m usually free on weekends! Call me and we will plan something lovely and depressing!

  4. Trisha, after my miscarriage, it was one long month before I made it through the day without crying…and then the next day, I had three breakdowns or something like that. I think that’s just the nature of grief. It comes in waves, often when you least expect it. I think you made a great decision about finding a new place of employment, though — I admire your courage and strength in doing that, and in your honesty with your boss. Please know that I’m thinking of you. Always.

  5. You are very courageous and I hope you are proud of your decision. The waves are totally normal. They can be triggered by pretty much anything… Just go with it. I find I always feel better after I acknoledge how I’m really feeling. Take care… xo

  6. EmHart

    This is something I can relate to very deeply. I have spent the last six years studying and working in the world of 3 to 6 year olds. Just as we decided to start tcc I changed direction slightly and started studying to work with birth to 3. All alongside our journey through infertility I have been studying the best way to care for infants and the only other job I am trained for is to work with Kindergarteners. It is so sad, because this was my passion and my lifes work and now I hide from it. My assignments are left until the last moment and my bookcase full of wonderful child development books sits dusty and unused. I mourn not only for the children that don’t come, but the career I have on hold and the passion I can’t face anymore. This was a huge part of who I was and now I feel like I have no purpose. I need to find a new job, but all my training leads me towards children and that I just can’t cope with. I think you made a brave decision to walk away, and I understand it totally.

  7. Good for you. Leaving a job can be really hard, but it sounds like you’re making decisions to help get you to a stronger, happier place. I hope your search for a new job goes well. And, don’t feel bad about the crying. You’ve experienced an awful thing. Miscarriage is hard. Good luck and take care.

  8. I’m so glad that making the decision to find new employment has left you feeling a bit lighter. It was a very brave thing you did. Grief is cyclical and just when you think you are okay, suddenly you’re not. Be patient with yourself. I am sending you strength and light!

  9. I pray that you are able to find your way back to what makes you happy in your professional life. Taking time to heal is important. While I’ve never suffered a miscarriage (that I know of), I often find it difficult to walk the IVF road and continue with my normal professional life. I work for a financial institution; I even don’t have to see kids everyday and it’s still hard for me to maintain normalcy in the workplace. I often feel that I would be less stressed out, and therefore it would be easier for me to get pregnant, if I didn’t have to work. But then we couldn’t afford IVF on just one salary. So it’s a catch-22 for us.

  10. Wow! What an amazing thing you did for yourself. This is serious self preservation time and you did exactly what you needed to do to take care of yourself. I’m so proud of you. Any idea what you’ll do next?

    • I’m looking for something similar to what I’ve been doing (receptionist type work) and I’d really like to get into a medical office but I know those aren’t easy to come by. If worse comes to worse my hair license will be valid in California in December so I can go work in a salon.

  11. I totally get it. I work with children myself and while I have not found myself in your position yet, I could see it happening. Good for you for doing what you need to do and best of luck on the job search!

  12. Lyndsey

    I understand completely about working with kids while going through IF. This is my 12th year teaching kindergarten and Pre-k and some days I don’t want to be taking care of everyone else’s kids. I think you made the right choice.

  13. Still thinking so much about you. What you did with your job took guts and I think your decision is going to provide some healing for you.

    Everything you said validates what I’ve been feeling for a long time now. I hope one day I will have the courage and means to leave my position.

  14. I work with infants and toddlers, and it can be really difficult some days, especially when you get the inevitable questions about whether you have children of your own. Hang in there, and just take each day as it comes.

  15. unexplainedrantings

    Good for you for moving on from something that was making you unhappy! When my husband and I got married, I took a job as a daycare worker. I worked with the 5-6 year olds and I loved it for a while. Then the reality of infertility set in and then came my first and second miscarriages. After that, I quit and took the job that I’m now at. I feel like it was a good decision, even if somedays I miss the kids. The constant reminder of what I didn’t have was too much on a daily basis. Take time for yourself to heal. It’s okay to not move off of the couch for days on end. Life can wait while you get to a better place.

  16. Good for you!!! I think this is the step in the right direction. Especially the healing part, you are very very strong. I had my d&c 7 weeks ago, and still have break downs. It’s completely normal. You suffered something very traumatic. I’m so sorry for what you are going through.

  17. I am so glad you are doing what you need to do to heal. I know I don’t know exactly how you feel , but I did the same thing after nannying for over a year. I couldn’t be around the kids anymore, just reminding me of what I didn’t have, so I stopped. It was very difficult, but had to be done. Hugz hon!

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