The past month has been a rough one for my family. I’m beginning to think we are cursed. My dad has a bulging disc near his sciatic nerve so he is in a lot of pain that they are still trying to figure out how to treat, little brother #1 has a kidney stone that he has been unable to pass for 3 weeks so the doctors are recommending surgery but he has crappy insurance that won’t cover it and no money, and little brother #3 broke his ankle two weeks ago right before football season and the break is bad enough that he won’t be able to play at all this year. That one is a big deal because he transferred high schools to play football this year. He left all his friends and has had a difficult summer because of it. I know once school starts he’ll be fine because he is an outgoing kid and he makes friends easily but we were worried this break would make him decide to go back to his old school. The new school is a charter school and he will have a lot more learning opportunities available to him there. So far he hasn’t said anything about switching back so we are grateful for that.
I was talking to my mom on Saturday and she said he was having a hard time because they had their first scrimmage that day. He was forced to sit on the bench and watch as all his teammates and friends played without him. That struck me as a good description of what infertility is. Here we all are, desperately hoping to play the game. But time after time we are told that we have to stay on the bench and watch as our friends and families get up and go in. Some of these people get to go in before us even though they just barely joined the team. Yet we still wait and wait. Twice now I’ve gotten to warm up only to be put back on the bench and told I would not be playing. Who knows if I ever will get to play?
I went for my first run in 2 months on Saturday. It was a bittersweet moment because I had missed running, but it was also really emotional because I was planning on getting back into running once the baby was born in order to lose the pregnancy weight. Instead I ran to lose the pregnancy pain. J had talked about how he was going to get me a nice running stroller so that I could get back into it. This time I ran alone with empty hands and an empty heart. I was proud that I was able to get back into my stride pretty easily although I did of course shorten my running times so that I don’t push myself to hard. I just never thought I’d be back on the track so soon.
Thank you to everyone who responded on my last post. I have yet to really make a decision although I know which way I am leaning. I called my OB who is very familiar with my situation and am getting her opinion, I’m just waiting on a call back. As of right now I have not taken a birth control pill in 2 days. I do agree with those who said I need to trust my doctor…but the problem is there is a shred of doubt where my doctor is concerned. I really like him and he has been great to me lately, but I can’t forget that his decision to give me 10 days of clomid when I had a history of cysts ended up leading to me losing my ovary. So there is doubt.
Plus I look at it this way – I know there is a chance that the miscarriage will screw up ovulation for me. PCOS is unpredictable like that. However if I took the BC and wound up not ovulating after I would blame my doctor, the birth control, and myself for not trusting my instincts. If I didn’t take the BC and didn’t ovulate after I would blame the miscarriage. I know which one is easier to live with. I’d hate myself if I thought for even a moment that I took the medication that caused us to have to go back to fertility drugs. There are ways to avoid getting pregnant until my doctor clears us. We have discussed it and are in agreement. We know the options are not %100 (unless we don’t have sex which is off the table) but I feel confident that we can avoid a pregnancy until we are ready to try again. Hell, we have had a lot of practice with not getting pregnant, I’m sure we can continue this record.
I will make my final decision today after I talk to my OB so that if I do decide to take it I can catch up without causing a big issue. But you can obviously see which way I am leaning. I hate that I have to make this decision. I hate that it’s only been 11 days since my baby was taken from me and yet I feel as though it has been forever. It is like this sorrow has always been present. I miss my baby.