The past month has been a rough one for my family. I’m beginning to think we are cursed. My dad has a bulging disc near his sciatic nerve so he is in a lot of pain that they are still trying to figure out how to treat, little brother #1 has a kidney stone that he has been unable to pass for 3 weeks so the doctors are recommending surgery but he has crappy insurance that won’t cover it and no money, and little brother #3 broke his ankle two weeks ago right before football season and the break is bad enough that he won’t be able to play at all this year. That one is a big deal because he transferred high schools to play football this year. He left all his friends and has had a difficult summer because of it. I know once school starts he’ll be fine because he is an outgoing kid and he makes friends easily but we were worried this break would make him decide to go back to his old school. The new school is a charter school and he will have a lot more learning opportunities available to him there. So far he hasn’t said anything about switching back so we are grateful for that.

I was talking to my mom on Saturday and she said he was having a hard time because they had their first scrimmage that day. He was forced to sit on the bench and watch as all his teammates and friends played without him. That struck me as a good description of what infertility is. Here we all are, desperately hoping to play the game. But time after time we are told that we have to stay on the bench and watch as our friends and families get up and go in. Some of these people get to go in before us even though they just barely joined the team. Yet we still wait and wait. Twice now I’ve gotten to warm up only to be put back on the bench and told I would not be playing. Who knows if I ever will get to play?

I went for my first run in 2 months on Saturday. It was a bittersweet moment because I had missed running, but it was also really emotional because I was planning on getting back into running once the baby was born in order to lose the pregnancy weight. Instead I ran to lose the pregnancy pain. J had talked about how he was going to get me a nice running stroller so that I could get back into it. This time I ran alone with empty hands and an empty heart. I was proud that I was able to get back into my stride pretty easily although I did of course shorten my running times so that I don’t push myself to hard. I just never thought I’d be back on the track so soon.

Thank you to everyone who responded on my last post. I have yet to really make a decision although I know which way I am leaning. I called my OB who is very familiar with my situation and am getting her opinion, I’m just waiting on a call back. As of right now I have not taken a birth control pill in 2 days. I do agree with those who said I need to trust my doctor…but the problem is there is a shred of doubt where my doctor is concerned. I really like him and he has been great to me lately, but I can’t forget that his decision to give me 10 days of clomid when I had a history of cysts ended up leading to me losing my ovary. So there is doubt.

Plus I look at it this way – I know there is a chance that the miscarriage will screw up ovulation for me. PCOS is unpredictable like that. However if I took the BC and wound up not ovulating after I would blame my doctor, the birth control, and myself for not trusting my instincts. If I didn’t take the BC and didn’t ovulate after I would blame the miscarriage. I know which one is easier to live with. I’d hate myself if I thought for even a moment that I took the medication that caused us to have to go back to fertility drugs. There are ways to avoid getting pregnant until my doctor clears us. We have discussed it and are in agreement. We know the options are not %100 (unless we don’t have sex which is off the table) but I feel confident that we can avoid a pregnancy until we are ready to try again. Hell, we have had a lot of practice with not getting pregnant, I’m sure we can continue this record.

I will make my final decision today after I talk to my OB so that if I do decide to take it I can catch up without causing a big issue. But you can obviously see which way I am leaning. I hate that I have to make this decision. I hate that it’s only been 11 days since my baby was taken from me and yet I feel as though it has been forever. It is like this sorrow has always been present. I miss my baby.



Filed under Depression, Infertility, Miscarriage, PCOS

10 responses to “Benched

  1. I’m so sorry for everything that is happening in your family. I liked your metaphor. It’s true we are benched right now. I remember the first hike I took 4 days after my d&c. I cried almost the whole time, but it felt so good to get to out. I think you are doing the right thing by going off the bc and following your gut, but if your ob says otherwise then follow her lead. You are so very strong and you will get through this.

  2. veetamia

    Sending you hugs. The one thing that I take away from this post is that you are truly a strong woman. I’m sorry you have to be hurting, I hate that you or any of us has to know pain like this. But I have no doubt that your heart will heal with time, and your hope will glimmer.

  3. I’m glad you called your ob. Like you said, you need to trust that what you are doing is the best thing. And though your RE may be good, you need to be 100% certain. Otherwise you’ll drive yourself insane second guessing.

    It’s so hard living far from your family. Especially when they are hurting. And when you are hurting. Virtual hugs only get you so far.

    Speaking of virtual hugs, I’m sick of ours- I want the real thing. I need to get me some Trisha action. And soon!

  4. Love the analogy. I am a sports girl and this was perfect!

  5. Very smart of you to persue this with your OB who you trust. I have learned you have to be your own advocate when it comes to your health care. You know your body far better than any of the doctors.

  6. First of all, I am SO sorry that you and your family have been dealing with so much sadness, heartbreak, and medical issues. Life is not fair sometimes. Just trust that you are strong enough to get through it together. Second, I LOVE your analogy of sitting the bench! It is probably the best analogy I have heard that describes infertility. We are stuck sitting the bench while watching everyone around us get to live their dreams without any struggle 😦 Hang in there! Sending you hugs and positive thoughts 🙂

  7. I am so sorry for all that you & your family are going through right now! I wish you & your family the best as you heal – and as you decide what to do with regards to BCP! I know it is not an easy decision. Hope your OB calls back soon and provides some helpful advice to you!

  8. Benched! Love true. I just wanted to let you know that if you do have any clotting disorders you can not be on bcp. 😦

  9. Being benched stinks for all involved! Imagine the feelings of the parents and families of the kids who are benched… These are the people supporting & rooting for you, too! I’m really sorry you (and your family) are going through such a rough patch. I’m glad you have an OB you trust to help you make the right decision. Sending positive thoughts your way!

  10. Your metaphor is so true and perfect. I hope everyone in your family recovers quickly.

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