I’ve never had a lot of patience. I’m the person that if the doctor tells me they will call me by 3:00, I will be on the phone calling them at 3:05 if my phone hasn’t rung. I knew waiting for the results from the D&C would take some time, but I’m starting to grow anxious. The more time that passes, the more anxious I get.
Truth is, I need to know what happened to my baby. Because as it is right now, I keep playing the day MB’s heart stopped beating over and over in my mind. What did I do that day? Did I eat something bad? Did I over exert myself? Did I have any signs that my world had ended? But I’m coming up with nothing. We were in a condo with some friends up in the mountains. I got up that day and ate some pancakes that J had made. We went on a small walk that was not strenuous. I took a 2 hour nap. We watched the Olympics, played some cards, and had dinner with my family. During all this I had no idea what was going on in my body. I talked to my brother happily about my due date which was supposed to be the day after little brother #1’s birthday. We talked about how cool it would be if the baby was born that day.
The guilt is consuming me. And I know, I really don’t have anything to feel guilty about…for all we know there was something seriously wrong. But I can’t help it, I feel as though I’ve let J and my family down. I’ve lost a baby that so many hoped and prayed for. I need to know why. Of course once I get the results I will probably have yet another breakdown and wish I didn’t know. The grass is always greener. Friday will be 2 weeks since the D&C so I am hoping that we will have some answers by early next week. That is a lie…I’m hoping for answers now, but I know that is wishful thinking. When is it going to stop hurting so much?