Impatiently waiting

I’ve never had a lot of patience. I’m the person that if the doctor tells me they will call me by 3:00, I will be on the phone calling them at 3:05 if my phone hasn’t rung. I knew waiting for the results from the D&C would take some time, but I’m starting to grow anxious. The more time that passes, the more anxious I get.

Truth is, I need to know what happened to my baby. Because as it is right now, I keep playing the day MB’s heart stopped beating over and over in my mind. What did I do that day? Did I eat something bad? Did I over exert myself? Did I have any signs that my world had ended? But I’m coming up with nothing. We were in a condo with some friends up in the mountains. I got up that day and ate some pancakes that J had made. We went on a small walk that was not strenuous. I took a 2 hour nap. We watched the Olympics, played some cards, and had dinner with my family. During all this I had no idea what was going on in my body. I talked to my brother happily about my due date which was supposed to be the day after little brother #1’s birthday. We talked about how cool it would be if the baby was born that day.

The guilt is consuming me. And I know, I really don’t have anything to feel guilty about…for all we know there was something seriously wrong. But I can’t help it, I feel as though I’ve let J and my family down. I’ve lost a baby that so many hoped and prayed for. I need to know why. Of course once I get the results I will probably have yet another breakdown and wish I didn’t know. The grass is always greener. Friday will be 2 weeks since the D&C so I am hoping that we will have some answers by early next week. That is a lie…I’m hoping for answers now, but I know that is wishful thinking. When is it going to stop hurting so much?

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15 Comments

Filed under Depression, Infertility, Just my luck, Miscarriage

15 responses to “Impatiently waiting

  1. I’m so sorry you’re having to wait so long. Waiting is the worst thing ever for me. And especially for something like this. I’m glad they are doing the testing and hopefully it gives you some answers. Please remember you’re in my thoughts daily and am anxiously awaiting the results as well, so you are definitely not alone in ANY of this. xoxo

  2. M

    Please don’t blame yourself for this. I know from experience that is so much easier said than done, but you didn’t cause your m/c. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I hope you get answers soon. Big hugs hon.

  3. I always wonder why it seems in our nature as women to blame ourselves for things, even knowing logically that we aren’t to blame. It certainly doesn’t make the grieving process easier. Not that what I’m going to say will change how you feel, but your loss is not your fault. You did the best you could do, and that is all anyone could ask.

  4. You didn’t do anything, you couldn’t have done anything differently. This is not your fault. You didn’t harm your baby. Something was wrong, something very very very much out of your control. 😦

  5. (hugs) I wish there was words, please don’t blame yourself. Thinking of you xxx

  6. I don’t have any patience either, so I understand how hard waiting can be, especially when it’s for something like this. After my loss, I went through the same blame game. I went to my doctor with a list of possible things I had done to cause my miscarriage and he gave me a thumbs down on each one. I know it’s impossible to not feel guilty, but I hope you know in your heart that this wasn’t your fault. None of this was in your control. In fact, as far as I can see, you worked so hard to protect your baby — taking all that progesterone, and frequent visits to your RE, and not eating raw cookie dough, and you even stopped running, if I remember correctly. You did everything right! This is just a terrible thing that happened to a person who doesn’t deserve it. Try to be kind to yourself. ~ many hugs ~

  7. The waiting is horrible but the not knowing is even worse. I just hope these tests bring the best of the worst case scenarios and some amount of clarity. Because with clarity, comes peace. Not immediately, but with time- or so I am told. I don’t want this road to be any more difficult for you than it already has. I’m already counting down the days until that big hug T. I want to wrap you up in it.

  8. I’ve felt the same way. The only thing that helped was talking about it with my boyfriend and family. Their kind words made me feel a little better. Hang in there, you’ll have some answers soon xo

  9. Poor thing – the wait is killer! I hope you find out soon! Honestly for me, it took 2-3 months to feel a bit better. I think you are still sad and hurt and frustrated, but it doesn’t consume you as much. It also helps when you have a new game plan, are more on in treatments, or have made a decision about treatments or lack there of. Everyone is different though! I hope you feel better soon! *HUGS*

  10. I am so sorry to hear they haven’t given you any results yet. I know how agonizing any waiting is during IF, and I’m normally a very patient person. IF has turned that all around on me.

    Praying they call you with results sooner than expected and that it will ease your aching heart. *hugs*

  11. Please don’t feel guilty. There isn’t anything you could have done. I hope the answers come soon, and that they help you understand what happened. I hope that next time everything is different. I hope that your pain eases soon. Take care.

  12. I know the waiting is painful, because we just want to know what went wrong. My own therapist once told me that every gift comes with an un-gift. You are gifted with a wonderful sense of empathy and concern for others and a sense of longing to make other people’s lives happier and more satisfying. The flip side of that gift, the un-gift, is that you take on totally undeserved blame for their episodes of disappointment or unhappiness. You feel somehow responsible. I’m glad you have readers and support to help shed the un-gift, because it really doesn’t benefit anyone, and can make us miserable. I do hope once you get the results, you can begin healing soon. That’s when it happened for me. Big hugs.

  13. You did nothing wrong. There’s not a single thing you could have or should have done differently. I’m sorry you have to wait so long for an answer, and I hope you get one, but whatever it is, it was completely out of your control.

  14. I hope you find out soon and it gives you some peace. Hugz!

  15. I’ve been lurking on your blog for a few months now and finally added myself to ICLW. Just to echo what everyone else has said here, you did NOTHING wrong. There is no way someone can cause a miscarriage, unless they go skydiving into a pile of sticks or something along those lines. I hope you’ve gotten the results already and have that confirmation.

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