It’s late. I should really be in bed since I have to wake up at 5:30am tomorrow for work but I was lying in bed and all I could think about were things that I don’t want to think about. Things that have been haunting my thoughts pretty much non-stop for the past 2 weeks.
I’ve been a little more quiet lately because I have nothing new to say. I’m depressed, angry, hurt, and sad. Same old same old. This last Saturday I should have been 12 weeks. The magic number. Just to make the day a little bit harder my cousin decided to go and have her baby that day. Stab me in the heart. The birth of this baby would have been hard for me any day but why of all days did it have to be on my 12 week day? That was supposed to be my day, my day to relax a little, to celebrate, to really feel like there was going to be a baby in our lives. Instead I watched someone else’s happiness while trying not to drown in my own sorrow.
What is the worst to think about is how this miscarriage has changed me forever. After my first miscarriage I actually felt a great deal of hope. I mean I had actually gotten pregnant! One miscarriage isn’t a big deal, 50% of women have at least 1 miscarriage in their lives. But now everything is different. All my hope is gone, that ship has sailed. In fact that ship has sailed, gotten raided by pirates, blown up, and then sank. That is how gone it is. I will never be able to enjoy a future pregnancy like a “normal” person now. There will be no Facebook announcement, no bump-dates, no progression pictures. There will be nothing but fear and anxiety. And I resent it.
I absolutely loathe what kind of person this has turned me into. I used to be optimistic and happy. Now I am negative and sad all the time. J made some off-hand comment tonight saying “If we have a boy…” and it was said as if it was a sure thing. As if we were going to have kids no problem. I had to bite my tongue to keep from spitting out a bitchy and pessimistic comment. THAT is who I have become. The person who no longer believes.
And I can’t run away from it. No matter where I go there will always be babies in strollers, pregnant women, and happy families. There is no avoiding. Now I live my life in fear of seeing these things and always being passed up. I got married pretty young (22) so most of my friends did not start getting married till a few years after me. Yet I am the only one who has been married over a year without kids.
I’ve never felt so lost before. I burst into tears at random times for no reason. Last Friday it was 2 weeks since my D&C so J and I got the all clear to be intimate. It had been awhile so it was needed and nice (although I did have some pain that makes me nervous) but afterwards I felt so empty. I lay there trying to hold back tears so I would not ruin the moment. But I couldn’t. I started crying after sex and I don’t even know why. How romantic and sexy am I?
Most of the time I just feel empty and numb. I don’t know how to get past it. I just wish this pain would go away. I can’t even describe how alone I feel right now. Sometimes I just want to crawl into a corner and make the world disappear. I don’t know how to come out of this fog and be human again. Most the time I feel like I’m just acting. I’m so tired. Tired of it all.