Lost.

It’s late. I should really be in bed since I have to wake up at 5:30am tomorrow for work but I was lying in bed and all I could think about were things that I don’t want to think about. Things that have been haunting my thoughts pretty much non-stop for the past 2 weeks.

I’ve been a little more quiet lately because I have nothing new to say. I’m depressed, angry, hurt, and sad. Same old same old. This last Saturday I should have been 12 weeks. The magic number. Just to make the day a little bit harder my cousin decided to go and have her baby that day. Stab me in the heart. The birth of this baby would have been hard for me any day but why of all days did it have to be on my 12 week day? That was supposed to be my day, my day to relax a little, to celebrate, to really feel like there was going to be a baby in our lives. Instead I watched someone else’s happiness while trying not to drown in my own sorrow.

What is the worst to think about is how this miscarriage has changed me forever. After my first miscarriage I actually felt a great deal of hope. I mean I had actually gotten pregnant! One miscarriage isn’t a big deal, 50% of women have at least 1 miscarriage in their lives. But now everything is different. All my hope is gone, that ship has sailed. In fact that ship has sailed, gotten raided by pirates, blown up, and then sank. That is how gone it is. I will never be able to enjoy a future pregnancy like a “normal” person now. There will be no Facebook announcement, no bump-dates, no progression pictures. There will be nothing but fear and anxiety. And I resent it.

I absolutely loathe what kind of person this has turned me into. I used to be optimistic and happy. Now I am negative and sad all the time. J made some off-hand comment tonight saying “If we have a boy…” and it was said as if it was a sure thing. As if we were going to have kids no problem. I had to bite my tongue to keep from spitting out a bitchy and pessimistic comment. THAT is who I have become. The person who no longer believes.

And I can’t run away from it. No matter where I go there will always be babies in strollers, pregnant women, and happy families. There is no avoiding. Now I live my life in fear of seeing these things and always being passed up. I got married pretty young (22) so most of my friends did not start getting married till a few years after me. Yet I am the only one who has been married over a year without kids.

I’ve never felt so lost before. I burst into tears at random times for no reason. Last Friday it was 2 weeks since my D&C so J and I got the all clear to be intimate. It had been awhile so it was needed and nice (although I did have some pain that makes me nervous) but afterwards I felt so empty. I lay there trying to hold back tears so I would not ruin the moment. But I couldn’t. I started crying after sex and I don’t even know why. How romantic and sexy am I?

Most of the time I just feel empty and numb. I don’t know how to get past it. I just wish this pain would go away. I can’t even describe how alone I feel right now. Sometimes I just want to crawl into a corner and make the world disappear. I don’t know how to come out of this fog and be human again. Most the time I feel like I’m just acting. I’m so tired. Tired of it all.

Advertisements

22 Comments

Filed under Depression, Infertility, Miscarriage

22 responses to “Lost.

  1. M

    I went through all of those emotions too. M/c and IF are such bitches. Big hugs hon.

  2. Thinking of you, sending virtual hugs and just generally wishing I could do more right now to comfort you. I am so sorry you are hurting, I hate what this journey is stealing from us. I feel the same as you, I feel that a ‘normal’ pregnancy is something I can never have, however, when you do have your child (and you will, I am certain of this) you will have an experience of motherhood no fertile person will ever have. Your experience will be richer, and deeper and more beautiful because of the shadows you have walked through. It is so hard to keep the hope, and if you are struggling right now, let it go, we will hold on to it for you until you are ready to pick it up again. With much love x x x

  3. I wish there was some words I can offer you! I am thinking of you (hugs) xxx

  4. I’m so sorry you are in such pain. 😦 Unfortunately, I never found a way to make that better, other than acknowledging it, being kind to myself, and waiting for it to ease up over time. But, hugs certainly help. I’m sending you lots of them.

  5. Emily Erin

    Sending hugs. I hate that you’re in such a difficult place. If you haven’t checked out MeKate’s blog i-cant-whistle.blogspot.com it’s great and this month, she’s doing a wonderful series on forgiving yourself and being gentle. I’ve found it very useful as I reflect on my miscarriage– not un-painful, but it’s brought some clarity and some forgiveness of my stupid cystic ovaries. Hugs to you.

  6. Jen

    I’m so sorry you’re going through such a hard time right now. Sending hugs to you and hoping things get better real soon.

  7. I think a lot of us have been there. It’s completely normal although so painful. I found that only time helps which sucks a lot. I did feel a bit of a release trying to explain to DH the pain and sense of emptiness that you go through when you were the one that felt pregnant. I think it’s totally different than what they experience. After a couple blow out fights about that, he finally got it. Cry as much and whenever you need to. Get it out. It will get better with time. You will feel more like yourself. It’s a horrible position and it seems ot last forever, but there will be light! Big hugs!!!

  8. I wish I had the perfect thing to say, but I know there is nothing that can be said or done to make this much easier. The only thing I know is that, while this pain may never completely disappear, it will ease. Eventually. And while you have lost all hope, I have not. I DO believe you will get your miracle. And no, it will not be a carefree pregnancy, but it won’t matter in the end — and you will be a better mother for having gone through this. Please be kind and gentle with yourself, and know that so many people love and support you. ~ hugs ~

  9. I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I hate how miscarriages take away our hope. I was here a while ago too. It does get better, I promise. I know it seems like the pain is endless. Some days are better then others. There will come a time when you will feel better, I promise. I wish there was something I sound do to take your pain away. Big big hugs to you.

  10. Your words just make me well up with sorrow for you… I don’t have any answers and I haven’t been where you are, but I know you are not alone. I hope there is a support group, whether online or IRL, that you can maybe reach out to. Time dulls all things and I hope someday you won’t feel so heavy with sadness. Don’t rush yourself though, grief is a process that requires time. And while you heal, you know we are all here to love and support you! Big, big hug!

  11. I would have been 12 weeks now, too. I’m sorry you’re going through this!

  12. I’ve been there too many times… It’s hard and takes a long time, but as the other girls have said so wisely, it does get better. Hope will come back. Treat yourself to things that would normally make you happy as much as you can. I found that reading “Coming to term” by Jon Cohen really helped, too.

  13. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Try to take care of yourself, and I hope it gets easier soon. Sending hugs.

  14. With all my miscarriages the first time we are intimate I cry too. Every time. I assume it will be the same this time too when I get the green light. It’s so emotional…hang in there.

  15. I am so sorry for your sadness. I wish I could take it away for you and crumple it up and throw it away. Maybe it would help to talk to your friends and family about what you’re going through (if you haven’t already). That’s what your friends and family are for – to pull you out of the darkness when you need it most. Please don’t be afraid to lean on them even if you feel they don’t understand. They may not understand the specifics of a m/c but I’m sure you must have people in your life that understand grief and sadness. Sending BIG hugs and prayers to you. xx

  16. Tami

    Oh honey. I want to wrap you up in my arms and make this all go away. I can feel the anger and pain you are feeling- not only through your words but because I feel it too. There was a pregnant woman crossing the street in front of my car the other day, and before i could edit myself i said “5 points for the pregnant one”. Its funny, but it’s also not. Im hoping that your RPL results will bring some answers to alievate your fears. At least a little. xo

  17. I’m so sorry for your loss. Please know what you are feeling is totally normal. Our journeys have affected us all so much and the anxiety is just too much sometimes. I have said some nasty things at times (where people couldn’t hear it, never to someone’s face) about the ease of their journeys. I’ve thrown things at the tv because one more effing pregnancy commercial is just too much. ((hugs)) You are not alone.

  18. 35life

    I am so sorry. I haven’t experienced a loss but can clearly read your pain. I know that there may not be any right words right now, but just know that our thoughts are with you.

  19. I am struggling with all of this too right now, the sadness, the random crying, the envy/jealousy, the emptiness, the pain… so I just wanted to let you know that I guess after what we experienced these feelings are normal? It’s a crappy normal, and a load of bullshit, and completely unfair also. I don’t know how to survive this either and I’m tired of being sad too. I know there is nothing that can be said to make you feel better, but I am here for you. Big, big hugs.

  20. Hi from ICLW…I am so sorry for your loss…I really hate how infertility changes you as a person

  21. Your words make my heart ache. I wish I could be there for you to give you whatever you need. Sending you lots of love and Hugz!

  22. Hello from ICLW…when I read this post my heart broke for you. Sending lots of thoughts your way. I am so sorry for your loss.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s